Torturing myself

[confusedoften]

Last year I met a guy. He is amazing. I'm deeply in love with him.
He likes me, a lot. He's clear on that. But it's not love. And he doesn't want to commit, mostly cos I have kids and that scares him.
We text every day. See each other often and that usually results in sex. (Not lately obvs, not in lockdown)
But I'm torturing myself holding on when he's clearly never gonna make that commitment.
But I can't let go.
I have tried and I can't.
I think of him constantly, and he's pretty my best friend.
I can't imagine my life without him in it. I don't want to.

Some days it's fine. I'm fine. I accept it'll never go anywhere but then some days (like today) I'm hurting so much. From loving someone who won't love me.
I can't tell him cos then I'll lose him. But I know I can't carry on this way.

I just need a handhold. This sucks

I'm so sorry you're hurting OP but I think you did the right thing. Sadly he was never going to commit and you'd have got hurt even more if you'd have been together longer. Try and find something positive to focus on for now, makes some plans with your DC or so something fun with them, watch something funny, listen to upbeat music. Do something which makes you smile every day and as time goes by you'll smile more and more. Sending hugs

Sending you much love & healing OP... Boy, do I feel your anguish. If lived long enough, havent most of us felt the sting of what feels like soul-deep love for us, but is not returned from the other. When that happened to me, I found the more time I spent with him or read his social media pages, the more in love I felt. It reiterated what an amazing man he was in my eyes. I knew Id never get past it that way, so had to go cold turkey with no contact, no reading his pages, etc. It took a good while and it was so painful & tempting to reach out, but I eventually got used to the new norm. What I told myself was there is pain on either side of this - in leaving AND staying where unrequited. Which pain scenario to go through would serve me best in the end? That was the question. The one that would eventually end if I cut ties, or the pain where I did not which would go on & on & then HE finds another & Id be faced with the same pain of loss anyway. I had to let go of the idea that his feelings would change & he would feel the same as I did. And hope indeed dies very hard. Given all you have said, I think you did the best thing for yourself. Peace, love & light....

I hope you’re feeling better, because reading through this you sound unhinged. Please stop disrupting your children’s bedtime routine because you crave a cuddle all night. That is confusing for child & selfish to disrupt their sleeping routine so you can feel soothed.

Also you describe him as being your best friend, then go on to say it’s upsetting your female best friend is exasperated with you & thinks you need to get over your level of grief over this. Kind of unfair to downgrade your “best friend” for a bloke who becomes your new best friend, only to expect her to continue to listen to your rambling & provide a constant sympathetic ear to listen to your problems.

You’re a parent & you need to be stronger for your kids than to collapse because your friend with benefits who was clear about what he wanted/where you stood has not fallen in love with you.

Life isn’t this fairytale.

It looks like I spoke too soon - just my personal opinion but your last message was about the worst thing you can do because:

• when you think you are telling someone the "truth" about themselves, it isn't "truth",, in fact, it is just your opinion, and it is easy to go too far and veer into the arena of hurling abuse at them
• it isn't something you do to someone who you care about, and so the message he will take is that you did not genuinely care for him and that he has dodged a bullet
• the message he will also get is that if you don't get what you want, you throw the toys out of the pram.

In relation to issues with commitment, this is usually to do with how people are brought up, how they experience intimacy. In relation to leading you down the garden path, this is possible - there are people out there who do that, and it is the risk we take when we start to get to know someone.

I agree with vikingwife that you need to deal with this alone and not involved your dc however alone you feel.

Good luck,

It's not love, it's just hormonal. In order to really love somebody you need to have a history together and for him to have done things that show he loves you and you back. There has to be mutual respect and a desire to be together for a long time.
There is none of that. He's not keen on your children.
If we learnt to distinguish between love and first lust our lives would be easier.