Torturing myself

[confusedoften]

Last year I met a guy. He is amazing. I'm deeply in love with him.
He likes me, a lot. He's clear on that. But it's not love. And he doesn't want to commit, mostly cos I have kids and that scares him.
We text every day. See each other often and that usually results in sex. (Not lately obvs, not in lockdown)
But I'm torturing myself holding on when he's clearly never gonna make that commitment.
But I can't let go.
I have tried and I can't.
I think of him constantly, and he's pretty my best friend.
I can't imagine my life without him in it. I don't want to.

Some days it's fine. I'm fine. I accept it'll never go anywhere but then some days (like today) I'm hurting so much. From loving someone who won't love me.
I can't tell him cos then I'll lose him. But I know I can't carry on this way.

I just need a handhold. This sucks

Oh I'm sorry , it sounds hard . I struggle to let anything go let alone something like this relationship , that you have built up feelings for this man.

Just honestly , lie down , close your eyes . Remember things he's said to you like that comment about "laugh about it in two years" and imagine how you'd feel about the person that you said that too.... You like them fine but you don't love them. You don't have any strong feelings for them...

Then imagine that you are friends with another man , you love having sex with this man , spending time with this man ... But it's casual , going nowhere ..... This man loves you though , but you choose to ignore that because it doesn't suit you . Wouldn't you feel like a bit of a bitch at least? wouldn't it make you feel uncomfortable? Would you continue with the relationship on your terms?

I'm not saying this man is really bad , but he is not good and he's not for you .

This man isn't your friend and shouldn't be anything more than a superficial acquaintance. I'm sorry .

Well , actually , he should be blocked ( he never should have been more than a superficial acquaintance but you fell for him )

As for the leaving the door open for you to contact him . It's a mind game, you made it clear it wasn't working for you . He left the door open , you need to shut it behind him I'm afraid .

Sorry to hear you're going through that OP. I think you need to write down what you want from a relationship and go from there. If he's not meeting those requirements then you know what to do. Maybe in the future, once those love feeling have gone, you can be friends but I think you need to go NC with him. If he cares about you, he will let you move on and want you to be happy, to be loved.

Thank you.

He said all of that. And I am no contact now. It's really hard tho. And I'm kicking myself in one way that I did it now when lockdown is easing but in the other I know that spurred me to do it. Because I knew seeing him again would hurt like hell.

Maybe, one day in the future. And that does bring some comfort. But for now I have to get through this stage and this stage SUCKS.

I'm a mess.

I know it's a phase. I just feel so cut up.

I mean, if he is ok about losing me then what can I do. Only read that for what it is and move on.

I just wish it hadn't been that way. I miss the contact. I miss his interest and how he shared his life with me.
Especially right now, when life is so lonely

I know it may not be relevant to your situation but I watched a video this afternoon by teal swan about boundaries ... It's on YouTube and just I think it might help you know that you did the right thing for you . Give it a few minutes anyway . I don't think I can put up a link , but just search for it .

Teal swan , personal boundaries vs oneness

He's not 'the one.'

But I can't let go. I have tried and I can't.

You can, just block (as in actually block) on everything. Time will heal and it's not like being in touch with him is totally painless.

He is literally my best friend with a side of sex.

They pretend that, but their 'friendship' is to keep the supply/option of sex open.

a part can't let go.

Yes you can. Click click click= done. xx

he left it with it won't contact you unless you invite it' Which makes it worse! Because he left it open

So you close it completely. Blocking on all fronts, not just what you've done at the moment.

The 'one day we will look back and laugh' is dismissive of the intensity of your feelings.

If you're really, struggling, you could see your GP and/or a therapist. xx

I miss his interest and how he shared his life with me.

It may help if you view it as insincere, and actually unpleasant as he only really bothered when he felt like it.

Heart break is not an easy ride but you will heal in time. Nothing more can come of that FWB situation and you will find someone else that wants a relationship you.

I should have blocked.
I just deleted. So now I can't block unless he makes contact.

Today is easier then yesterday. I've cried a lot less. And I know I'll be fine in the long term.
Thank you for the support.
I just need to talk about this. And I'm annoying everyone around me by going on about it. Feel I'm using up good will.

You think he knows you feel strongly for him. For him to go on about you meeting someone in such a lighthearted way makes me think he's knowingly fucking with you. He's not too good for you, hope you know that.

He knows because I outright honestly told him.

He said he hopes I meet someone, I deserve someone who loves me and he's sad that we can't be friends. He cried on the phone when we talked.
I think that was the point of his 2 year comment. He wants me to find someone and still remain friends.
That's what is so confusing.

But I do know. I've done it.

This thread is really helping. (Please keep talking with me. Just put the kids to bed and I'm all alone)

You've done it OP, you've done the hardest bit and now it will get a bit easier every day. Well done

Do you have a journal you could plan ahead in? I find planning helps me stay on track mental health wise when I'm low - I will have a page for each day, with a little goal / activity (literally like watch 2 episodes of The Office / finish a chapter or a book) on each and also just jot down thoughts so they are out of my head.

Have a look at some bullet journaling images on google and see if any of it appeals to you

@confusedoften

You have done really well. Unrequited love really hurts and I don't know a single person who hasn't been in the situation of having feelings for someone that weren't reciprocated. But we've all recovered. By ending it, you've taken the first step to recovering and you're already beginning to feel better. It is a bumpy road but you'll get there.

You mention how he was your best friend and he does seem to have left a void on the friendship front. You've only known him a year, though, so can you cast your mind back to the people who were your best friends before he came on the scene? Are you still in touch with them? Can you reach out to them? Now that lockdown is easing, perhaps you could make some plans with them. And get really busy with your DCs, too. Are there any interests you can throw yourself into? It really helps.

I had a situation (about 25 years ago) where a guy whom I had really liked for many years and had had an on again/off again situation with for a few years made clear that he was moving on. I was really disappointed and spent about a month very upset and then suddenly one day just found myself thinking "I'm just too busy for this" (I had a lot going on at the time) and that was the first day of really starting to feel better. So I'm a big advocate of getting busy!

Onwards and upwards, OP.

You have done so well. Just keep turning your thoughts away from him, consciously think of something else every time your mind turns to him. I really admire how you have handled it and I bet you do meet someone else, and you could end up seeing this guy differently and being friends with him, further down the line. Say to yourself over and over "I will meet the right man, I will meet the right man" maybe.

Sad to admit but I have a tiny circle of friends. I always have had but about 10 years ago I got into a deeply abusive marriage and I left him 4 years ago. In those 3 years I had one friend. As everyone else had gone. Family sure but not friends.
I now have 2/3 friends I can COUNT on, but even my closest friend was nearing her limit with this guy. She's struggling to support me because she thinks I'll find an excuse to reconnect.

So, in terms of him becoming a very close friend, he was. I could cry on him and he would be supportive, he always checked in to see if I was ok. Asked about my day, my life. Sent support/flowers when my dad was unwell. Asked about the kids, even sent a load of information and stuff for a school project (FYI - he never met them. It just never happened) we would do trips away and gigs and museums and dinner and walks and mutual sporting things. He would message me almost everyday if I didn't message him. He would call and FaceTime. He never did the sexting or asking for any pictures or anything. He was always respectful like that.
Yes we slept together often, but we would also often just meet up with no hope of sex.

So, to me, it feels like losing a friend, as well as a lover!

But I do have to let go, cos it was unhealthy. And he knew how I felt, and didn't reciprocate. I can't blame him I guess.

Hey op! I feel compelled to comment because I’m pretty much going through the same thing. Even down to the fact that I can’t block him because I deleted him so unless he makes contact I can’t do it. That’s frustrating the living daylights out of me. I know he will contact me but as we argued last time we talked it will be when he’s deemed I’ve suffered enough of the silent treatment. I feel like I’m going crazy and it hurts so bloody much, particularly as I know he isn’t a nice person but I’ve fallen so hard for him.
Anyway, just wanted to offer sympathy and virtual 🍰. It’s shit and I want to scream.

I'm sorry you're going through it too.
I know mine won't contact. He won't. I told him not to and he is disciplined enough to not do it.

Which hurts even more if I'm honest, cos it just reinforces that I don't mean enough.

The mornings are the hardest for me. Used to getting that message and knowing he's thought of me.

I'm trying to get my shot together and be with the kids but I'm struggling.
Day 3, feels long already

OP,

I feel very sorry for you.

Unfortunately you have to wade through the heartbreak to feel better.

No avoiding it.

He was honest with you.

He sounds like he really liked you.

You sound really lovely, why wouldn't he.

But he's not interested in a ready made family.
He has been honest with how he feels.

You deserve someone who will meet you where you are at, and you will.

Just give yourself time to grieve your broken heart and you will feel better.

Oh you poor thing. I know exactly how it feels. Being head over heels is absolute torture. I don't doubt that he has deep feelings for you, but they aren't enough and possibly never will be - you have absolutely done the right thing. As somebody above said - give it a couple of months and you WILL wonder why you were so devastated. There is always the possibility that he will have a long think and change his mind, but I guess he was quite clear to begin with. It's OK to torture yourself a bit

You are doing so well, OP.

I think that the only time I have felt like this, over time I did realise that we would not have been suited, I would have been unhappy with him. He had a lot of amazing qualities and was really good company nearly all the time, but I realised things further down the line which wouldn't have been what I wanted. Chances are that applies here for you too and you will be able to learn from this what you do want, maybe. One thing I regret was that I chased after him to the point of harassing him (I was very young is my only excuse) and I destroyed any chance of being friends and I also really hurt him as I found out from a mutual acquantaince a while after, as me continually contacting him made him feel terrible, it was a really hard lesson, and is why I think you are doing so well, you are handling it right and it matters.

So now I can't block unless he makes contact.

@confusedoften Yes you can, can't you? If you mean on FB, go on to his profile and click block. It asks you if you want it to be including Messenger or not I think, so then you can. You don't have to wait for him to do anything.

No, on WhatsApp I was thinking. Cos I deleted him I can't block his number. He doesn't use SM anyway.

I think you are all completely right. Over time we wouldn't have been suited, but the idea of watching him fall in love with someone else and ultimately become more interested in them then me would have been painful.

I feel better today.

I sent him a really honest message after I told him and we talked. I haven't mentioned it to anyone and I feel guilty.

I laid out all the reasons I felt led on, and the things he did. And pointed out that he either did them cos he's interested but wouldn't commit or did them without caring and I didn't actually know which is worse.
Said some other stuff too. And I feel bad. It was all true. And I know I did it so that I'd stuck the knife in properly but I kind of wish I hadn't.
On the plus side, hopefully he'll take what I've said and apply it to future relationships