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Original poster

If you had no friends at all for a long time

53 replies

7654321j · 14/05/2020 22:11

How/where did you eventually find them?

I know most people don't particularly like me and that's entirely my problem but I don't believe that there's nobody in the world who'd like to be my friend. It's just finding them, which feels a bit of a mammoth task when I think of how many different people I've met and not become friends with over the years.

Bit down about it at the moment and I'd love to hear any success stories of going from absolutely no friends to finding somebody.

OP posts:
Mintlegs · 14/05/2020 22:18

Work on self esteem, try to inderstand why you think people don’t like you and work on it. Get hobbies (out of lockdown?) and interests, possibly a sociable job role (if that is possible in the current world). Learn to love yourself. You are not going to be liked by all people

SirGawain · 14/05/2020 22:25

You don't make friends by looking for them. You make them by taking an interest in people you meet and finding out what you have in common and whether you share similar values. The friendships flourish when you bring something to the relationship rather than just taking from it.

Really123456 · 14/05/2020 22:28

Church, full of friendly people xx

Original poster
7654321j · 14/05/2020 23:47

I know how to make friends in theory. It's just a numbers game. Finding the one in a million who does want to be my friend when most people don't. Statistically unlikely but it must happen to some people who aren't most people's cup of tea and I'd love to hear a positive story because sometimes I think that continuing to meet people isn't worth the effort and upset.

OP posts:
Vellum · 14/05/2020 23:49

What is it about you that you think people don’t like?

ToLiveInPeace · 14/05/2020 23:56

I feel just the same, OP. I don't have any answers but wish you luck x

PotteryLottery · 14/05/2020 23:57

Yes, I feel that way sometimes too. Just can't seem to make that connection.

Or maybe I just think that everyone has a better life than me.

Feels like school mums don't like me enough to invite my child over.

PumpkinP · 15/05/2020 00:05

Everyone said I would make them when my kids went to school but not made a single “mum friend” I have no other friends and I’m shy so not the type to just approach people.

Original poster
7654321j · 15/05/2020 08:41

It was always the next stage of education for me. 'You'll find your tribe at high school/college/university/work'... Didn't happen.

I hope those of you in the same position find somebody.

I didn't really want this thread to be about what people don't like about me. I'm not going to change. Just hoped to hear that somebody had met a great friend after having none for a long time.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/05/2020 08:44

I didn't really want this thread to be about what people don't like about me

But people are going to ask. I mean if you're the type of person to punch people in the face at random then yeah it might be tricky to keep a friend.

Self esteem and being interested in others is a good start.

walkingchuckydoll · 15/05/2020 09:04

I think you're missing something. It's not a huge numbers game, there's probably something that you are doing or not doing that keeps people at a distance. You need to find out what that something is.

walkingchuckydoll · 15/05/2020 09:06

I'm not going to change.

You don't have to change who you are, but you might have to change something in your behaviour.

Lonoxo · 15/05/2020 09:08

I moved around a lot for college/uni/first job so it took a while to find good friends. In my 20s, I hung out with lots of different people in different jobs which was good for socialising and doing things but not so great at forging a real connection. I think for me it was feeling more content in my own skin and knowing more about myself. The advice about working on your self development is good as people will be attracted to people with (quiet) confidence with their own personalities.

suggestionsplease1 · 15/05/2020 09:09

Yeah I agree, it's not really a numbers game, and as long as you think it is you put your difficulties in the hands of circumstance and chance, when actually a lot of this is within your control.

ZingyLime · 15/05/2020 09:29

I think once you are past a certain stage (maybe uni ?), you have to accept that new friends are not goi g to be the all encompassing everything matches friendships we experience when we're in the discovery phase of life. It becomes rather horses for courses, different friends for different parts of life.
If you are really lucky, then one or two of those early friendships will follow through life, for many of us that doesn't work out.
They didn't work out for me and I've struggled from the age of about 27. Some stuff happened that made me feel isolated and very different from other women my age, and I had to face up to and deal with some other things from my childhood which separated me too. There have been times when I've felt part of 'a crew' through work but those friendships didn't sustain through job changes. I had a few Mum friends and we had the children in common and a few fun outings but they didn't sustain through school changes etc. Age 40 to 50 were incredibly lonely.
I have been in my new job nearly 18 months and I am just now moving on from superficial 'water cooler' chat. It's scary. I want the friendships to develop organically, not to be forced along so I have to have an eye to the balance - interested without being nosey, caring without being gushy, not oversharing but empathising, having a laugh but not becoming the court jester. There are two women where these things seem to be very natural, and they seem interested in my life - commenting on my FB posts, remembering stuff and asking how it went (and I remember their stuff too) so I am hopeful that I might have someone to rant to soon, and someone to tell me my bum looks big in that.

OhioOhioOhio · 15/05/2020 09:31

I've realised that I don't want to he in a tribe.

planningaheadtoday · 15/05/2020 12:08

Very often meeting like minded groups, joining online groups to chat and support others.

My sisters and I all had very different ways of meeting friends over the years. None is the right way, but all work.

My youngest sister has quite niche tastes in art and creative expression. She found a forum with a group of people she could really relate to. She's good at conversing face to face and via social media. As a result she has close friends in Poland, Canada, USA, and London. They all visit for long durations and have become really close. They travel together too. The air fare is steep mind!

My middle sister met her group of friends at university, that worked for her.

I met my friends at various stages in my life. I have a friend from first school who I am close to.
Another good friend from when my first baby was born and she was a huge support and still is.
A friend from college 35 years ago that moved closer to be near us and (before lockdown) I saw her each week.
And a friend from my first job after uni that I see every few years, but strangely no friends from uni. I commuted and I think not living in made a difference.

My wise mother always says that when you meet real friends through adversity you bond for life.

1981m · 15/05/2020 12:34

I didn't really have friends for a long time,or very few. I met DH so made friends with his friends, then the rest of my friends are through dcs. That can be hard as they all have long term childhood friends so we aren't as close but it's my fault.

I also changed my personality. In some ways I didn't come across as very nice and was unapproachable and a bit self absorbed probably. Friendships don't come naturally to me so I ve had to work on these faults and try and evolve as a person.

coronahope · 15/05/2020 14:07

I stopped being desperate to find close friends. I changed my approach and aimed to have a laugh with people who I was working with, going for coffees now and again. That's how my friendships started. I also joined a social club. I've realised that because I am shy I often come across as uninterested and abrupt and I've changed that.

If you are easy to be with and take an interest in other people why wouldn't they like you?

Original poster
7654321j · 15/05/2020 20:49

I think it is a numbers game when most people aren't that keen on you. It's either find the odd person who you click with or try to convince people they want to be friends with somebody they're not that keen on.

It's good to hear some people have managed to make some friends after struggling with it though.

OP posts:
walkingchuckydoll · 16/05/2020 07:30

I think it is a numbers game when most people aren't that keen on you

I think you need to stop thinking like this. You have some kind of fixed idea how to make a friend and since you haven't, it's clearly not working. We want to help you but it sounds like you don't want to keep an open mind on ways to find a friend.

Vellum · 16/05/2020 07:35

I agree with @walkingchuckydoll. Your current approach isn’t working, and from what you say has never worked at any stage of your life, yet you seem bent on continuing with it. I don’t think anyone is suggesting a personality makeover, but you might want to think More analytically about whatever it is you’re projecting in social situations that is preventing you from having what you so desperately want.

SnuggyBuggy · 16/05/2020 07:39

I can't comment on whether meeting people is worth the effort and upset for you because I don't know you. However if I could go back in time and talk to my recent graduate self I'd tell her not to bother because it yielded nothing and made me miserable.

Sometimes it's your personality and behaviour but I think other times you just aren't a good fit for where you are. It's no ones fault it's just not everyone mixes well or are a good fit for each other.

When I was in that situation I should have just focused on things I can enjoy doing on my own. I only made friends when I was able to move somewhere completely different and started meeting people I felt more comfortable around.

EngagedAgain · 16/05/2020 08:01

When possible take up an interest, so you'll have that common interest at least. Don't try too hard, let things happen naturally.

PJsEveryday · 16/05/2020 08:03

I think I'm a bit like you OP and I'm struggling at the moment with the realization that I'm not very likeable. I'm just a bit weird. My husband loves me, but I've no close friends and no friends left from uni (not a single uni friend kept in touch, so i stopped phoning them eventually, showing my age as it was landline phones 😁).

I made no mum friends at the school gates. Not one. Occasionally chatted with one or two but just passing the time of day really.
I am someone people talk to when there is noone else on the room.

Many years ago, my psychologist gave me the the "how to win friends and Influence people" book to read (this has been a life long issue for me). The essence was be a doormat, be a people pleaser. But it doesn't work. People dismiss you or walk all over you.

Youhave the desire to have friends so I'm am sure you will make them. If you have hobbies, or interests, try online forums or online groups and see how that goes and make like minded connections. There is the meet up app (which will be virtual meet ups just now but it's still something).

You can't convince someone to be your friend. There needs to be a connection or ot wont happen. Common interests, so walking the dog has allowed my mum to make lots of friends. Shes got a wonderfully rich life because of this.

I hope you do make a great friend (you really only do need the one).