If you had no friends at all for a long time

[7654321j]

How/where did you eventually find them?

I know most people don't particularly like me and that's entirely my problem but I don't believe that there's nobody in the world who'd like to be my friend. It's just finding them, which feels a bit of a mammoth task when I think of how many different people I've met and not become friends with over the years.

Bit down about it at the moment and I'd love to hear any success stories of going from absolutely no friends to finding somebody.

I'm similar except people generally seem to like me on a superficial level. I generally get told I'm funny and the teenagers I work with called me a legend the other day so I can't be too bad. However I have no true, real friends.

My best friend was 50 last year, I contacted her other friends (also I thought mine), to arrange a big present, as is common with these things it didn't work out. Then 2 months later see that 2 of them bought her the present I suggested, a spa trip, and went with her, full of FB images toasting each other. Then find out last night they zoom each other every week in lockdown, and there was a party planned I wasn't invited too. I really don't think it's bitchyness, or I'm unliked, I'm just someone who only gets noticed when I'm in front of people. Sometimes it hurts but you have to be happy with yourself and your own skin.

I have interests. I have a job. I've been on Meetup. I've been playing the same online game for half of my life... I think it's difficult for anybody who hasn't had any friends for a long period of time to understand it's not always a case of 'just try harder' and so many people interpret 'no friends' as 'no close friends'. I have nobody. Nothing to build on, a lot of people think I'm a bit weird and immature, and I've got a 20 year gap in my social skills when I never set the world alight socially in the first place but I'm not the only person in the world like me. Can't be. Somewhere, there will be somebody who would like to be my friend.

Thanks for the replies. I truly hope everybody else who's struggling a bit finds their friend.

Same here OP, if I died, outside of my family or job it could be 6 months before anyone noticed.

I don't have anyone in work I'm friends with outside of work and have just resigned myself that this is how it is.

It used to make me sad, but I realise that its just a waste of energy worrying about it.

My friend from work would tell you she has no friends and is unlikeable. She's great
We chat, go out sometimes, have online get togethers at the moment with other friends (colleagues) have group chat etc.

She thinks we tolerate her, we don't. We all like her. She's my friend but she wouldn't say she's mine.

Just wondered if you were similar op?

I think the best times in life to gain friends are when one is still a student and when one becomes a pensioner. Really! These are the times when we are not burdened with workloads, children and hectic family life and all our free time is spent with peers. Of course you can gain and squeeze in friends in between these times but it is more difficult to give them your full attention and without making them feel they are sidelined.

Sorry as I know you don’t want to hear this, but if nobody has really liked you for decades then there must be something which dozens of separate people haven’t clicked with.

That makes me think it’s all of them,or more likely it’s you.

If you dont change how do you think this situation will improve.

I’m not trying to be cheeky just honest. If you are shy then perhaps people think you are not interested in them. If you are a know it all perhaps people don’t like you being a smart arse. If you lord it around bragging about how rich or witty or clever you are people might not you thinking you are better than them. If you bitch about people perhaps they don’t like that.

Who knows. But if you want to be more likeable you need to tweak something so people get to know the nice real you inside and not whatever it is that they are mistakenly thinking about you that puts them off?

Do you remember there was a programme a couple of decades ago which took people who were a bit 'weird' and taught them how to not be weird, basically. Just trained out of them the bits that came across strangely and they were able to form better friendships. Maybe that could work for you OP? Maybe you need some sort of coach. I think my ex-Bil needed that. He's a nice guy but just can't get a girlfriend. I can see why. He just needs bits of how he projects himself ironed out so that people don't get stuck on that and can see the person he is.

I know a bit how you feel OP. Unlike you, I do have loose connections, but it's hard to build on these to real friendships. I think people are wrong - it is partly a numbers game. Most people's lives are already full. You need to find someone who both likes you and has time for new friends - that is a numbers game. My loneliness is masked by the superficial stuff in daily life, but it brought to the fore now we are in lockdown.

@7654321j interesting that you say your social skills are behind and that you are immature . I'm definitely not immature but I have the same awkwardness and anxieties I had when i was in my teens. If i saw someone my age act how i do i would think they were weird. I'm not a bitch so I would not be nasty, but I can see why people might not think I'm suitable friend material.

You obviously want friends. It might be worth, as a pp mentioned, looking at other people and how they interact, versus how you interact with others. Only you can change, if it looks like the problem is you. But it could just be that you dont fit in and I think that that is actually a 2 way street.

And remember, so many friendships are superficial. Having lots of friends to go to the pub with does not mean you wont be lonely. It's just a different kind of loneliness.

In the nicest possible way, OP, you say you are ‘weird’ and ‘immature’ and have a two-decade gap in your social skills, and you still think that rather than doing anything to rectify the way you come across, you’ll just do what you’re doing and wait another two decades in case you come across someone who’s fine with all that?

And also, OP, over-intensity or desperation crosses the footlights — I’d be very wary of a new acquaintance with absolutely no friends coming on very strongly wanting to be mine, probably with unrealistic expectations of contact levels, exclusivity etc. I’d work on some low-key acquaintances first, rather than identifying one person and putting all your eggs in one friendship basket.

I've been through stages of life where I had few friends for example moving cities or moving jobs, friends having DC etc. But I have always made new friends through hobbies, social events and work etc and also am still in touch with older friends although see them less often. Have you stayed in touch with any of your older friends?

I think @vellum is right. I had a friend who always complained about not being able to make friends. She seemed lovely at the beginning but used to complain a lot about her life, her situation, blaming everything on other people and making everyone aware of her problems. She felt very sorry for herself and I could see it made people stay away from her. Not saying you are like this but just giving an example.

I think rather than trying to find life long friends try to meet people with similar interests and friendships should develop. Don't put so much pressure on it though. Go out (when lockdown is over) and enjoy. You could also try online, I've made a few friends that way.

I go to two clubs. Both are with people in the retired bracket. I enjoy their company while in that moment but I’m not looking for coffee pals. That fills a bit gap in my socail life.

My mates that have been the ten years plus sort I’m afraid to say are from teens or work. Mums via the kids never last past that phase of what stage the kids are at.

If you have younger kids then NM meet ups have been good, but again don’t expect those friendships to last the distance. One has been friends for around six years. One three.

In fact I might pop on there to find a reception age friend locally.

I’m not great at making friends. I have around three close friends then it’s just people I share company with. I would like more friends but looking actively isn’t how my best mates happened

Of course one day there will be someone who comes along. Don't try too hard to look for them and it will happen. It's a bit like if someone is looking for a new man in their lives. People would say the same, that the right one will come along when you're least expecting it, but if you don't want to wait, you've got to make it happen which is difficult at the moment with the current crisis. If it weren't for that I would be saying join different clubs and socialise.

I think it's particularly hard for those of us who are a weird mix of introverted and opinionated. Like me. Some people think Myers Briggs is a load of cobblers, but personally it shed quite a lot of light on why i am the way i am - finding out that I'm INFP.

@Rufflecrow - what is INFP? I am introverted and opinionated too!

Regarding your original questions - I have got friends which I have had for a long time, but I rarely actually see them, even before lockdown. Mostly in the past it has been down to them. Partly because they don't live nearby or too busy, sometimes for other reasons. However, since my life has changed (not for the better) I now don't really want to meet up with them even lockdown aside. I could have done when their situations changed, I could have altered things, but I didn't want to, but then they got busier again! I have though become a bit unsociable, but even if I were to change I would choose to meet new people. So, the point I am trying to make is, things are always evolving, not just for me but my friends. My friends are good people, but although one day I would like a new friend I also think I'd rather have no friends than a bad one. Applies to men too! Hope that made sense!

I met two very good friends at separate gyms I was a member of at different times in my life. I probably spoke to about 20 people at each gym before finding one I clicked with.

If you find the secret let me know ASAP.
Tried making friends at work but it caused so much drama and gossip, backstabbing and nastiness it wasn't worth it!

Making friends is a slow process. It requires time and proximity because you want it to grow naturally and not force it. It also helps to be a good listener and to laugh a lot.

And in the interim, make your life interesting to you.

I'm quite lucky in that I have always found it quite easy to make and maintain friendships however my sister who is actually a nice person if you know her has always struggled with making friends. People just don't like her. I can see why, for some reason she comes off really loud and arrogant when in reality the opposite is true. She can be very needy and comes across as desperate sometimes as she is always saying how noone likes her. She won't find anyone to be friends with while she behaves like this so the only solution is to change her behaviours or accept not having friends. I don't understand why you wouldn't consider changing some of your unlikable behaviours

"Do you remember there was a programme a couple of decades ago which took people who were a bit 'weird' and taught them how to not be weird, basically."

Anyone know the name of this programme? Sounds interesting.

I disagree with all the people saying it's not a numbers game. I think that if you're not particularly popular, it really is. For example, I usually have people I chat to and get along with at work, but I rarely actually become friends with regular contact outside work. Lots of the people who tolerate me just don't like me enough to have me as a proper friend. I need to be in contact with more people to find some who will be willing to spend time with me. I also need to find other people who are looking for friends e.g. people who are new somewhere or who are going through a change in their lives. I'm not popular enough for people who already have a full life to fit me in.
Most of my friendships have developed from social groups where people are specifically looking for friends rather than interest/activity groups where people may be interested in the activity but will then go straight home.

"I don't understand why you wouldn't consider changing some of your unlikable behaviours"

I'd say it's impossible to hide your personality for any length of time.

I think when you have been out of the loop socially for a length of time it's really hard to appreciate what your strenghs and weaknesses are socially.

I don’t have any 😂 I’m fortunate that I have a big family. I have found friends too much hard work over the years and I really prefer my own company - I know where I stand. I probably come off quite hard faced but am really quite shy .

I went to kayaking/canoeing club and met a girl who also wanted friends/social buddies.

We've had a couple of hiccups but gotten past them and are genuine friends, she's a very good hearted person. I don't get to see her much nowadays because we're in different areas and because the sister who gave her breaks from caring for her mum is unavailable now.

Another good, genuine woman (though we don't see each other often for various reasons) I met through a sailing club.

(Recently I met a new friend through toddler mum activities, though that ring apply obviously if you haven't got a toddler to take places in some capacity).