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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my husband being selfish?

75 replies

Shepherd9 · 14/05/2020 18:26

been with my husband for 3.5years we married last July and now have a beautiful son born January 2020. We have both always been on the same page that we want at least 2 children close together in age as we both grew up close to our similar aged siblings. I moved into his house after being together for a few months & have contributed to it ever since however I’ve made it no secret that I really dont like the house it is a bachelor pad and nothing more, far far from a family home and nothing I would have picked for myself, I moved from my parents home purely to be with him. Whilst talking the other day it came up about our life ambitions mine was always to be a mother with a family of at least 2 children which he has known for years. He claimed that we wouldn’t be able to have another baby in this house as there’s no room. However he refuses to move as he has only 7years left to pay on the mortgage. If he’s saying we can’t have another baby in this house and he would only want another baby with a close age to our son now he’s basically saying no more children which has devastated me and time isn’t on his side as he’s a lot older than me. We haven’t spoken for days I feel like he’s picked his house and money over his family and I’m heartbroken. I 100% if I didn’t have any more children it would be the regret of my life & I can’t live it with a regret on such a big issue. I’m contemplating moving back in with my parents so I can save more and get a house on my own it’s my last resort as Id have to take my son with me and he wouldn’t get to see him as much but I dont know what else to do. Am I the one being unreasonable here or is he being selfish? It’s not that he doesn’t want another baby but we can’t have one in our current house and he won’t give it up for 7years until the mortgage is paid! This is one of the only things I’ve wanted my whole life and I can’t bear to give that up because of a house that I hate.

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 14/05/2020 18:29

I don't get it. He wants to stay in the bachelor pad forever?

sweetmaryjane10 · 14/05/2020 18:30

I know this might sound bad but if it were me I would just get pregnant say it was an accident and u can't face an abortion and in the end he will have no choice but to come round

Reallynowdear · 14/05/2020 18:30

Has he only just mentioned not moving until the current mortgage has been paid off?

AnotherElle · 14/05/2020 18:31

He is being unreasonable that he didn't discuss this with you when you planned having a family but.. can you plan another in your house I'm assuming to have one child you have at least 2 bedrooms so can they not share until the mortgage is paid and then you move, you may not fall straight away.

hannah1992 · 14/05/2020 18:32

Could you not make the house your home rather than selling and buying new? How many bedrooms are there?

You say a lot older than you. How olds is he? Do you think that the baby you have has put him off having anymore?

Lucked · 14/05/2020 18:34

I don’t really get the mortgage thing, unless he thinks he won’t get another mortgage. Is it possible to get a more suitable property of equal value or less so he can still pay it off although there would also be costs with a move.

Lucked · 14/05/2020 18:36

sweetmaryjane that doesn’t just sound awful it truly is an awful thing to do.

pictish · 14/05/2020 18:37

He is being v unreasonable. Since when did you agree to staying in a bachelor pad till the mortgage was paid off? You didn’t!

This is bullshit. He has fucked your future right off.

Sparklfairy · 14/05/2020 18:37

I know this might sound bad but if it were me I would just get pregnant say it was an accident and u can't face an abortion and in the end he will have no choice but to come round

Hands down some of the worst advice I've ever read on here. Do NOT do this.

Original poster

Shepherd9 · 14/05/2020 18:39

His plan is to pay off the mortgage and keep it as a rental for income as a pension later in life. He’s said he’d love to move but absolutely will not until the mortgage is pod off as he will have lost all the money he’s paid for it, we have 2 bedrooms but the house is really small and all open plan really not good things are falling apart and he won’t let me change anything, any time I try to talk to him he either storms off or doesn’t speak to me for days (like he’s doing now). He made me miserable in the last few months of my pregnancy when I tried to get the 2nd bedroom ready as a nursery, it’s always been like his bachelor room where all his clothes gym things etc have been. He did t want to get rid of anything and even now his things are still in there.

OP posts:

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 14/05/2020 18:39

@sweetmaryjane10 holy fuck i hope someone on here knows you in real life and lets your DP know he shouldn't touch you with a bargepole unless he's happy with more kids!

If a man did that to a woman, we'd call it rape.

SeriouslySoDoneIn · 14/05/2020 18:40

@sweetmaryjane10 congratulations on announcing to the world what sort of person you are. Hopefully any man will run for his life.

RedskyAtnight · 14/05/2020 18:41

I suspect the house is just a diversion. He doesn't want another baby. You have to respect that. So you have the choice to stay with him and hope he changes his mind, or accept that you only have one child. or leave him and have another child with someone else.

myangelalex · 14/05/2020 18:46

Well you are clearly not on the same page and the future hasn't really been discussed at all.

He sounds quite intransigent and set on doing what he wants and doesn't care what's important to you.

I couldn't personally live with someone who puts himself first, last and always.

MargeSimpsonswig · 14/05/2020 18:57

OP you do realise him storming off and not speaking to you for days is emotional abuse. It's called stonewalling and it's designed to make you give in to whatever he wants. I would seriously consider whether you would want to have another child or even stay in this relationship.

He also sounds incredibly selfish and it's a huge red flag that you moved in together after a few months of meeting. It sounds like he may have live bombed you and future faked his way into convincing you he also wants two children. He's treating the house as HIS home, not a family home even though you are married and contribute to the household. He sounds quite controlling. Look up narcissistic abuse and see if any of it rings true.

FourDecades · 14/05/2020 18:59

@shepherd9 - he doesn't sound like he is a family man at all. Not sure I'd want another child with someone who priorities his gym kit over his child's room.

Fairycake2 · 14/05/2020 19:02

Sorry OP but he clearly doesn't want another baby but isn't brave enough to tell you. Only you can decide whether you can live with that or not. However, the storming off, sulking, selfishness and not being able to discuss things like an adult would be more of an issue for me.

RandomMess · 14/05/2020 19:05

Honestly I would back to your parents and divorce him...

Original poster

Shepherd9 · 14/05/2020 19:16

It’s such a difficult situation the storming off selfishness and not being able to talk has bugged me for a long time and then a few days later he feels like a bunch of flowers will make up for it all, I don’t want to break our family apart but I don’t know if I can be like this for the rest of my life, I’m miserable at times and have probably cried more in the last 2 years than I have in my life, he’s repeatedly text me not to bother coming home after we’ve had arguments and I’ve gone out, once on my birthday and when I was 8 months pregnant they’re not things that I’ll ever forget and I feel they’re just piling up and up. I do love him and we have such a laugh when things are good but after this last conversation I do t know if I can get over that

OP posts:

Bringmewineandcake · 14/05/2020 19:16

Your baby is only 4 months old so presumably still in your room at the moment. Your DH will have to adapt to sharing "his" space with a growing child at some point.
He doesn't sound great right now, but you have barely gotten used to one child in your lives, I don't think you need to be stressing so much about a 2nd child or how the 2nd bedroom is being used.

HollowTalk · 14/05/2020 19:21

He sounds bloody horrible. I wouldn't have gone home to someone who told me not to come home.

2bazookas · 14/05/2020 19:22

he’d love to move but absolutely will not until the mortgage is pod off as he will have lost all the money he’s paid for it

????????????????? Makes no sense. If he sells it, he'll get the market value and repay what he owes on the mortgage.

LouHotel · 14/05/2020 19:22

How old are you op and how old is he?

Original poster

Shepherd9 · 14/05/2020 19:26

I’m 26 and he’s 37 I ideally would have wanted another baby by the time I’m 30 but doesn’t look like that’s going to happen now, all the root of our arguments come from this house otherwise we wouldn’t argue hardly ever but I can’t stand the thought of being stuck here in somewhere that will never be my home.

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtains · 14/05/2020 19:29

He sounds unhinged.

If you want to leave, you can. I don't blame you for wanting to.

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