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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my husband being selfish?

75 replies

Shepherd9 · 14/05/2020 18:26

been with my husband for 3.5years we married last July and now have a beautiful son born January 2020. We have both always been on the same page that we want at least 2 children close together in age as we both grew up close to our similar aged siblings. I moved into his house after being together for a few months & have contributed to it ever since however I’ve made it no secret that I really dont like the house it is a bachelor pad and nothing more, far far from a family home and nothing I would have picked for myself, I moved from my parents home purely to be with him. Whilst talking the other day it came up about our life ambitions mine was always to be a mother with a family of at least 2 children which he has known for years. He claimed that we wouldn’t be able to have another baby in this house as there’s no room. However he refuses to move as he has only 7years left to pay on the mortgage. If he’s saying we can’t have another baby in this house and he would only want another baby with a close age to our son now he’s basically saying no more children which has devastated me and time isn’t on his side as he’s a lot older than me. We haven’t spoken for days I feel like he’s picked his house and money over his family and I’m heartbroken. I 100% if I didn’t have any more children it would be the regret of my life & I can’t live it with a regret on such a big issue. I’m contemplating moving back in with my parents so I can save more and get a house on my own it’s my last resort as Id have to take my son with me and he wouldn’t get to see him as much but I dont know what else to do. Am I the one being unreasonable here or is he being selfish? It’s not that he doesn’t want another baby but we can’t have one in our current house and he won’t give it up for 7years until the mortgage is paid! This is one of the only things I’ve wanted my whole life and I can’t bear to give that up because of a house that I hate.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 14/05/2020 19:30

He still sees it as his home, not yours. He wants to keep the spare room for himself. He doesn't want you to make any changes.

He really doesn't understand mortgages, that's for sure. When he's talking about letting out your home in 7 years' time, is he thinking he'll take on a new 25 year mortgage then?

icansmellburningleaves · 14/05/2020 19:34

@sweetmaryjane10 wow that’s a disgusting thing to do.

TorkTorkBam · 14/05/2020 19:34

No, the root of the problems are not the house.

The root of the problem is that he is a selfish bully. If the house changed he would still be a selfish bully. There would be other things to bully you about and make you cry. You'll have no friends for a start.

Get your own place.

Raella50 · 14/05/2020 19:42

Go home to your parents, save up and get your own house. Divorce this loser and focus on your baby.

pog100 · 14/05/2020 19:44

It's more really all about the house though is it, or even the second baby? It's about how he is treating you. You should NOT be crying in the first years of your marriage. You KNOW there's no way this is ever going to get better. You need to plan separation and divorce. I'm sorry.

pog100 · 14/05/2020 19:45

Edit; it's not really...

SandyY2K · 14/05/2020 19:46

I'd leave because of his abusive behaviour. He tells you not to come home to his house....he's not nice and you're young enough to start over.

LouHotel · 14/05/2020 19:50

Well firstly let's break down his lies...when you pay off a mortgage you are increasing your equity as you do it, you don't lose the money you've paid off by moving to a bigger house, the equity moves with you. If he's in the middle of a fix rate then potentially he may have to pay off the interest to move up and i guess if he only has 7 years left to pay he could technically be in his last fix rate.

Let's say the above is true and he then plans to rent that and get a new mortgage, that is feasible at his age but you would still need a sizeable deposit to get a new family size house, do you both have others savings to do this? What are your prospects can you not get a mortgage yourself?

I honestly thought you were going to say you were 21/22 and him 40 so actually I think there's a bit of nuance here - not letting you change his house and the second bedroom is man child behaviour but you've moved straight from your parents to your husbands house and if you split now it will legally be seen as his house.

spartansisters · 14/05/2020 19:51

The root of the problem is that he is a selfish bully. If the house changed he would still be a selfish bully. There would be other things to bully you about and make you cry

This. Sorry OP - but don't be me. I hung onto a relationship because we had a really good laugh. It really isn't enough. Read 7 principles of a successful relationship. It really opened my eyes to what a bad relationship I had, but also why I hung onto it - the having a laugh thing. In the end, my relationship was like a flat mate you don't really like but get on with superficially as they can be are a laugh.

People are right. It won't get better. He won't change.

Original poster

Shepherd9 · 14/05/2020 20:18

He has around 13 grand in savings I only have about 2 and a half he’s told me that if I can match I’m him then we could move which just isn’t going to happen he’s had 10 years of saving on me and my pay will be getting low towards end of my Mat leave and then on part time hours, I imagine I’d need a good deposit to get a house on my with part time hours. I feel such a waste that we got married not even a year ago and things have come to this, he proposed to me after a miscarriage but then didn’t actually want to get married we compromised by going away and not telling anyone with only close family present. my parents paid for it all And he still says now he didn’t want to get married, feel like I made a bad decision now and feel bad that my parents money will have gone to nothing. I really don’t want to separate I want to try an make things work and I wonder wether it would be feasible just to stay together but I live at my parents house for the mean time.

OP posts:

Bringmewineandcake · 14/05/2020 20:26

Your parents wouldn't want you to stay in an unhappy marriage just because they paid for your wedding
If you don't think it can be resolved then leave him. You've only been together 3.5 years and a lot has happened. If you're not right for each other than move on sooner rather than later.

TorkTorkBam · 14/05/2020 20:28

Don't throw good money after bad
nor
good years after bad.

HollowTalk · 14/05/2020 20:43

Oh this is getting worse. Pack your bags and your baby and go back to your parents. I bet you'll find they thought you shouldn't have got married in the first place and will be glad to see you.

MargeSimpsonswig · 14/05/2020 20:46

He buys you flowers after stonewalling you as this is part of the abuse cycle. Idealise, devalue, discard. They idealise by love bombing you- where they sweep you off your feet in the beginning making huge declarations of love and commitment (moving in together etc.), future faking and constant flattery very quickly into the relationship. The next stage is devalue - this is the put downs (can be disguised as jokes), cyclical pointless arguments that never get resolved, criticisms, silent treatment, gaslighting (I never said that, I never did that, you're imagining things), demanding, sulking etc. The final stage is discard (e.g. telling you not to come home etc.). After a while comes the hoover (where they make fake apologies, promise to change, buy flowers etc.) to suck you back into the cycle and round and round you will go forever.

Please don't waste your life putting up with this shit OP. They never change and things always get worse. Please do your research on emotional abuse because it is very clear you are being abused here.

myangelalex · 14/05/2020 20:56

all the root of our arguments come from this house

No they don't. They come from his attitude to you and your wishes. Basically he doesn't give a shit about fairness and equality

Gobbycop · 14/05/2020 20:59

I know this might sound bad but if it were me I would just get pregnant say it was an accident and u can't face an abortion and in the end he will have no choice but to come round

You're right it does sound bad, it's fucking outrageous.

Tonkerbea · 14/05/2020 21:14

He sounds like a selfish twerp who has gotten to his 30s without having any idea how mortgages work.

I couldn't stay married to him, let alone want more children with him.

VerticalHorizon · 14/05/2020 21:18

I know this might sound bad but if it were me I would just get pregnant say it was an accident and u can't face an abortion and in the end he will have no choice but to come round

What a lovely idea.
Or fucking despicable if you're a half decent person.

jbee1979 · 14/05/2020 21:23

@Shepherd9 - go home to your parents and call it a day with this man. You sound so sad. The only thing worse than being lonely is being lonely in a relationship. You've given it your all, he's not on the same page as you, he's in a different book in a different country. I think he's led you up the garden path a bit, which isn't fair. Lift the baby and an overnight bag, and anything personal, and go back for the rest with your dad tomorrow xx

Backtothenewme · 14/05/2020 21:27

Op your h is a selfish man child at best. At worst he is emotionally and financially abusive and does not value you or your wishes. Either one is good grounds to take a break and go stay at your parents. Read and talk to sensible humans maybe a therapist and get sure about who you ate and what you want. It sounds like you are losing yourself in this relationship.

Backtothenewme · 14/05/2020 21:28

Are not ate

Yallreadyforthis · 14/05/2020 21:29

feel like I made a bad decision now

Nothing that can't be undone.
Darlin' you are worth si much more than the little he offers you.
He is making you sit up and beg for your place in his life. In any relationship worth having, this would be offered, freely, and with love.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2020 21:38

You’re only 26. Cut your losses op, he’s selfish and it’s not going to get better. The house is an excuse, he does not wish another child.

You do, move on with your life, it can never work, because whatever the outcome one of you will always resent the other,

Holothane · 14/05/2020 21:44

You’ve got a beautiful child, leave he’s not worth it, hugs💐💐

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/05/2020 21:46

Please cut your losses now. The house is not the root of your arguments; HE HIS.

It sounds like he didn't want you to move in. Didn't want to make any changes to accommodate baby (what did he think you were going to do with it? Stick in a cupboard?) and now his argument that he will 'lose all the money' he's paid into the mortgage is beyond ridiculous.

I'm going to take a wild guess here that he leaves all the childcare to you and also expects you to do all the housework too.

Please, talk to your parents and move home when you can. This idiot will only keep on dragging you down. You're young enough to give your baby some lovely step-siblings in time. Don't waste your time with this joke of a man.

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