Is my husband being selfish?

[Shepherd9]

been with my husband for 3.5years we married last July and now have a beautiful son born January 2020. We have both always been on the same page that we want at least 2 children close together in age as we both grew up close to our similar aged siblings. I moved into his house after being together for a few months & have contributed to it ever since however I’ve made it no secret that I really dont like the house it is a bachelor pad and nothing more, far far from a family home and nothing I would have picked for myself, I moved from my parents home purely to be with him. Whilst talking the other day it came up about our life ambitions mine was always to be a mother with a family of at least 2 children which he has known for years. He claimed that we wouldn’t be able to have another baby in this house as there’s no room. However he refuses to move as he has only 7years left to pay on the mortgage. If he’s saying we can’t have another baby in this house and he would only want another baby with a close age to our son now he’s basically saying no more children which has devastated me and time isn’t on his side as he’s a lot older than me. We haven’t spoken for days I feel like he’s picked his house and money over his family and I’m heartbroken. I 100% if I didn’t have any more children it would be the regret of my life & I can’t live it with a regret on such a big issue. I’m contemplating moving back in with my parents so I can save more and get a house on my own it’s my last resort as Id have to take my son with me and he wouldn’t get to see him as much but I dont know what else to do. Am I the one being unreasonable here or is he being selfish? It’s not that he doesn’t want another baby but we can’t have one in our current house and he won’t give it up for 7years until the mortgage is paid! This is one of the only things I’ve wanted my whole life and I can’t bear to give that up because of a house that I hate.

Sorry, my ranty capitals should have said HE IS.

I think the bigger issue is how he treats you. Seems like you are an extra thing in his life not a partner. Marriage is about equality and making decisions together.

Your baby is still so small but some space at your parents sounds like a good plan.

have probably cried more in the last 2 years than I have in my life,

You didnt know him when you moved in together. Now you do. Do you want to spend your life with a man who stonewalls you, makes you Miserable, refuses to listen, begrudges his child having a bedroom.

So you pay towards the mortgage too? Or does he view this as solely his house?

What’s he like with your son?

It just sounds like he is saying the house is his and it’s his mortgage to pay off..whereas surely if you’re married and have a child together it is not is house bit the family house?

"I don’t want to break our family apart but I don’t know if I can be like this for the rest of my life, I’m miserable at times and have probably cried more in the last 2 years than I have in my life, he’s repeatedly text me not to bother coming home after we’ve had arguments and I’ve gone out, once on my birthday and when I was 8 months pregnant they’re not things that I’ll ever forget and I feel they’re just piling up and up."

OP - you're not breaking your family apart - you're married to a man who is incapable of making a proper family life or indeed treating you kindly within your couple: you say you've been together 3.5 years and you've never cried more in your life than in the last 2 years. What caused you to stay with him if he was making you miserable? What did you learn about relationships growing up that made you think this was good enough for you and that you didn't deserve better? What you describe is most definitely not how a relationship should be. He sounds like a bully and I'm guessing he went for you as a younger woman (23/34 is quite an age gap) in part because he wanted someone he could push around.

As others have said - please cut your losses and leave him behind. You still have plenty of time to meet a lovely man who treats you well and makes you happy and who will give your DC a lovely half-sibling or two. Your H is not a man to have any more children with. He's making you miserable and he will make your family life miserable and your DC will suffer as well as you. Your parents would far rather you came home than stayed in a borderline abusive marriage.

I’m amazed he was ok about having one child. He sounds a completely selfish man who only ever thinks about himself. Life is never going to be easy with him! I’d seriously think about moving on. It might kick some sense into him, but if it doesn’t you’re better off alone.

Go home to your parents, claim for maintenance and see if your entitled to a small lump sum in a divorce to start saving for your own house.

Let me guess your expected to still pay your half even when your on maternity?

How will he pay for the next house if he doesn't see this one? 🤔

If he sells it now the mortgage will be paid off and the rest of the capital can go towards your new house and you could get a joint mortgage for the rest.

*sell

Reading what you posted I'd leave now. He got angry when you tried to prepare the nursery? He sounds totally selfish is a liar and I don't think he wants a home with you.
Can you move back in with your parents?

This ridiculous. You’ve been blinkered by the idea of having two kids close in age and a family home, that you really haven’t examined the quality of the man/ relationship.

Cut your losses, you’re not the same page and he isn’t up for compromise.

Sounds to me like he didn’t want the first child, let alone a second. His comments about not wanting to be married says it all along with his attitude during arguments.

I’d be considering this relationship if I were you.

This is awful, and you don't have to live like this. You are still so young and have the chance to meet someone else and go on to have a happy life. Don't stay with this selfish man child.

People make mistakes when they're young and marry the wrong person, your parents won't mind about the wedding money. How would they feel if they knew you had cried more for the last two years than you ever had?

You're not meant to cry like that in relationships, and when you are in a happy one you will be shocked at what you put up with. Try and be strong and leave him.

I’m really sorry you’re being faced with this OP. It definitely sounds like he was not ready to adapt his life to that of a family one, and others are right - just because you’re married and have a child, it doesn’t mean you have to be trapped in this situation forever. He probably didn’t want to get married because it sounds like he’s only looking out for number one, and in hindsight the thought of you having a part in his finances is something he’s not considered. As people have said, you’re only 26, your child deserves a happy mum and a comfortable home life without upset and tension and narcissism ruling the roost.

I too have been married for 3.5 years and recently ended my marriage at 24 with two children. This is not the way I ever wanted a long term relationship to go let alone my life (or that of my childrens).
But I couldn’t sit back and let my son believe that it’s okay for his dad to be consumed in his own mind and never give consideration to anybody else in the household after so many chances to change. I came to terms with the fact that it’s the kind of person that he is and that will never be different, and I couldn’t live the rest of my life in a relationship with such imbalance and unhappiness. Do the right thing for yourself and your son OP - you deserve more

The fact you have cried more in the last 2 years than in your whole life speaks volumes. If a friend was telling you what you have told us what would your advice be ? Regarding him saying you need to match his savings he is purposely setting you an impossible goal which is just cruel and seems unnecessarily nasty. I take it he doesn't share his wages with you and you are currently living off your maternity money ?

He sounds like an awful man who doesn't want to be married, doesn't want his child and certainly doesn't want another.

Why are you so focussed on having a child with a man that isn't very nice.

Focus on the child you have.

Move home.
Claim maintenance.

Move on.

@sweetmaryjane10

I know this might sound bad but if it were me I would just get pregnant say it was an accident and u can't face an abortion and in the end he will have no choice but to come round

Wow. That would be a truly disgusting thing to do. Unbelievably selfish and callous. Shameful.

He didn't want to marry you in the first place, you say? You're flogging a dead horse OP.
Leave now and start saving for a new place. You'll prob be entitled to some of the house anyway.
Do not bring another child into this mess

Op I'm sorry. He proposed after a miscarriage and married you under duress
Did he want the baby? Does he parent him?

@sweetmaryjane10 or he’ll leave/chuck her out?

Leave. You can get on with enjoying your son and meeting someone else to have that second child with. Better a bigger age gap than living with a miserable git.

If you decide that leaving and divorcing is the right thing for you and your child, move home to your parents, save for your own place, and make sure you get back what you paid into the family home in the settlement because that will probably go quite some way towards your own deposit.

How are you doing OP? It might feel overwhelming right now. You take care and remember you have a tiny baby it's ok not to be ok.

Does he realise that the house is no longer his ? It’s yours as in both of you
Does he also realise that if you divorce you’ll receive a share and he may not be able to keep it anyway
Point this out to him
Either way I don’t really understand how you both could not have discussed this prior to getting married? Has he changed at all ?
Don’t have more children with him- he dues not see you as an equal at all