Intimidated by my boyfriends intelligence :/

[jasminepeony]

So I haven't been able to see my boyfriend for many weeks (due to the current situation) but we have been keeping in touch over facetime. But because all we have is conversation (no hugs etc), sometimes I'm left feeling a little drained.

Basically, he's super intelligent and he speaks in this very intellectual way. I'll be saying stuff like "yeah I watched this movie earlier and I really liked it". He will ask me about it and then he will give me this really comprehensive analysis on what it was really about and my mind is just blown.

Like, I do really value his mind and he always helps me to see things in a more in-depth way, but sometimes I feel so out of my element. Recently it has dawned on me that he's like my teacher, and I'm his student and sometimes I feel intimidated and just wish we could be on the same level. He's always so measured and thoughtful in his speech and I feel like I have nothing to contribute.

I have expressed my worries to him before and he tells me I'm much more intelligent than I give myself credit for and that he likes the way I speak and finds it endearing etc.

I guess maybe I just need more girlfriends to have those silly, emotional conversations with and should stop trying to get this from my partner? I don't know, I just needed to get this off my chest.

OP has explained how she feels pretty well: he's like my teacher, and I'm his student and sometimes I feel intimidated

Be very wary of admiring someone's intellect and being intimidated......it can very easily morph into having the arse bored off you.

Nothing as tedious as man who knows everything and insists on showing you what an authority they are on any given subject.

I'd also be very wary of him reassuring you that you are not thick....that you feel like that is NOT good.

Some people carry their intelligence lightly....beware of those who don't

Be careful with this one - it could go either way, it's hard to tell from your descriptions. I will give my experience in the hope that it will help.

My DH knows a lot of things. Literally anything that even remotely interests him will stay in his brain forever, perfectly preseverd. For example, if he met someone at a party who mentioned that they really liked boats, he would cast his mind back to a maritime museum display he saw 20 years earlier, and perfectly recall everything that he learned that afternoon, and use that information to make interesting conversation with the person who likes boats. He does this kind of thing all the time. It's just how his mind works. He doesn't really get that other people don't necessarily do this.

I am not like this at all. I can barely remember what I had for breakfast this morning. I am by no means stupid, but I am quite moody/away with the fairies, and very much a big picture person, which means that I can competently understand something but still have plenty of gaps where small details would go (such as names, dates, places etc)

My DH and I get on fantastically well. Neither of us believes that one is more intelligent than the other, and nor do we ever act like it. We enjoy each other's differences. On our first date I remember feeling a bit intimidated by his obvious intelligence, but his humble nature and genuine lack of awareness of his intelligence was quite charming and put me at ease. Once I relaxed into it we had some very interesting conversations, and we both spoke in our own, very different, ways, and drew from our own very different experiences. I repeatedly made vague references to dates and places, because my mind doesn't easily cling on to those things, but I still made intelligent and interesting points. He would respond with very accurate information about places and dates, but would essentially end up in the same place as me. We had some great chats about all sorts of things, and found lots of common ground, as well as having some highly charged debates when we found a difference in opinion. We also talked about shit we'd seen on telly, and what our favourite memes are, because life isn't one big debate. You shouldn't need to feel like you're constantly trying to prove something to your partner, or that they are constantly trying to prove to you that they are smarter than you. Sometimes you just want to say that you watched a film, and you enjoyed it because it was funny and there was a hot scene where they shagged. End of story.

The point I'm trying to make is that you mustn't feel that he is more intelligent than you. If you feel that way then it's game over. If he feels that way then it's game over. People are intelligent in all sorts of ways. It's quite common for people with different strengths and weaknesses to find that they compliment each other well. If one person thinks they are more intelligent, and that they have to keep reminding their partner of this, then there is a power imbalance. Don't be in a relationship with a power imbalance. Life is too short for that.

@MMmomDD speaks sense, as does this post Some people carry their intelligence lightly....beware of those who don't hmm
My DH is much cleverer than I am and he does carry it lightly. I love living with him because he has a curiosity about how the world works that I find energising and interesting. I've considered things that I never would have because of our conversations. But that's the key, they are conversations rather than him pontificating to me. And I know I have strengths in areas he finds difficult, we are a partnership that balances. Don't be intimidated by intelligence OP but do consider if your boyfriend truly sees you as an equal.

Is he interested in your opinion? Does he listen when you speak and engage with what you say?

I have a new test, if people are happy to give their opinion or pass judgement on something with no interest or reference to your opinion, then they get ditched.

@Imstillskanking are you secretly married to my DH? This pretty much described him too.

OP do you have any other examples? From just this one story, I think it could go either way. Maybe he's an insufferable bore, or maybe he was just trying to find a way to relate to your interests and got it wrong.

But I wouldn't recommend staying in a relationship where you feel inadequate, whether he is doing it intentionally or not. It can really mess you up long-term.

Sometimes traditionally clever guys deliberately choose someone of lesser conventional 'smarts'. Because it makes them feel superior and they get a lot of admiration kinda like when they were little and a fuss is made over how clever they are and what a bright future they will have by grown ups.
Op this shows you what your relation is like.. without the physical aspect. Compatibility is important because even if you could touch once the fever of passion dies down and your relationship is more long term ita conversation that will see you through. If you don't feel comfortable now you will never be with him because people dont change.

When I said 'endearing', I probably should have said 'humbling'. He has often told me he likes that I bring him down-to-earth- and appreciate the smaller things and I have an inquisitive mind.

That is staggeringly patronising! I’m furious for you!

Ah Jesus - ‘endearing and humbling’?

Even off these words he doesn’t see you as his equal, maybe a little pet project.

I’d find him going off on a tangent incredibly irritating. Some times a ‘yeah I enjoyed that film too’ I’d all that’s required. Sounds like he likes the sound of his own voice.

He absolutely does feel more intellectually superior that you and that down there line will lead in to lack of respect and contempt for you.

Maybe your super cute though and he likes having you on his arm? 🤷‍♀️

Yes re the maritime museum display, that was my old bf. How??

The poor guy has done nothing wrong and is getting torn to shreds on here for daring to enjoy talking about films!

I love talking about films, books, theories etc, but I can’t do any handiwork/DIY to save my life. Everyone’s different. Who cares

He sounds delicious but then that's the sort of thing I like in a man.

I love a clever and intellectual man. DH and I have been together 21 years chatting nonsense about films and politics.

But if it doesn't make you happy then......

@ravenmum @Sewingbea

I hope there isn't a horrible twist here where my DH has secret other families, after I've just gone about what a nice bloke he is

He isn't being judged for talking about films, he's being judged for doing it in a way that makes the OP feel stupid and like she's a pupil instead of his equal.

This is the dynamic OP, he's the 'clever one' and you position yourself/are positioned by him as looking up to him and his great intelligence.

I spend a lot of time with men (and women) with PhDs and only some of them are good conversationalists. I would not enjoy feeling like I was being lectured, or someone who responded at a very intellectualized level to absolutely everything.

The biggest issue, though, is that you see yourself as not clever. Me and my husband are well matched intellectually, sometimes we have the deeper conversations about a film, sometimes we like to chat about who the actor is dating (ok, that's me) and sometimes we just enjoy stuff for fun. But neither of us feel belittled or negative about this. He may not mean to do it, but something about this dynamic is not working for you. I think you are right, lockdown has taken away your other methods of communication (like touch, enjoying food together, whatever) and you are left with a bit of a mismatch. Only you know how much that's a problem for you.

I don't think he's lecturing you. Maybe he realises he has things to learn from you too?

DP is very logical, knows a car engine inside out and loves maths and science and geography and all the things I hate. He is very clever.

I like literature, films, words, languages, and I'm not as clever. But we're constantly learning from each other and it's great.

Had he actually watched the film you mentioned? What was the film?

I'm curious because you said he asked about it, which sounds like he hadn't. If he hadn't, how could he possibly give a comprehensive analysis about it?

Films are often not very technical, complicated or even have a new story compared to other films. Like for example, if you've seen pocahontas, you've seen avatar, dancing with wolves, romeo and Julie etc. It's the same story, just different characters. Although a different ending in romeo and juliet of course.

I can't call him intelligent for guessing a film plot and managing to sound intelligent because he hadn't seen it.

Maybe he is smart in certain areas, but he doesn't sound like he has high emotional intelligence. Someone who does would know how to speak to other people in a nicer manner. I don't think he sounds like he knows how to speak to people.

@Jasminepeony
Seems people are really taking it wrong, implying he's a show off boring woman hater or something.

If I'm reading it right you'd just like a better way to engage the conversation? If that's so what I always like is when someone actually asks me questions that are genuine, nothing is worse than fake interest, I'm sure he'd appreciate genuine questions and I guarantee he doesn't think you're stupid!

@ByzantinePrincess
Thank god you said it, some of these comments really reveal how insecure and pathetic some of the posters are, OP has made it clear he means nothing bad and she simply wants to engage in a similar conversation, they seem to have mutual respect for each other.

Some of you posters need to grow up a bit and realise humans have different forms of communicating, not everything you dislike in a person is intentional and you need to get over your own biases.

I think your boyfriend is getting a really hard time OP.

Did you notice this before the lockdown, as it only seems to be an issue since? If it is only since, then I shouldn't worry.

Let's face it, we're all locked at home... what else has he got to talk about? He can't suddenly change the way he talks, but if there are no everyday conversations then what else is there to discuss?

I'm in no way highly intellectual, but I do struggle with small talk. At the moment I'm studying for my doctorate part time and working. That is my life in lockdown. It has changed the conversations I've had at home with my DH. He's bored by my doctorate research, so I try not to talk about it too much, but with nothing happening in the world, we literally have nothing else to talk about. So we have ended up having in-depth analyses of films / tv shows / music / books and other such crap. Just for something to say / talk about. Otherwise we'd live in silence.

Things will get back to normal. If this has only been a lockdown issue, I wouldn't worry.

Where are people coming up with this "man hater" and "woman hater" stuff? OP is apparently female, her bf is a man. We're talking about them. Not generalising.

OP if you like the guy and presumably you aren't about to move in with him/marry him then why not just see how it goes? People talk about patronising but I'm quite sure that you are able to judge for yourself whether there is a future in the relationship.

@Imstillskanking well DH has been in this house pretty much constantly or with DC for exercise for the last weeks since lockdown other than a weekly trip to the supermarket. So if you see your DC only for two hours on a Wednesday morning then maybe.... Otherwise you are safe. Though I can't speak for @ravenmum...

Ultimately OP the relationship hinges on how you feel with him.

From what you write he doesn't seem to be malicious or on his high horse about his own 'comparatively higher intelligence'. Your posts suggest he sees you as an equal and enjoys showing you things from a different perspective. How is he with you when you have a difference of opinions? Does he pull out his higher education card and say you couldn't possibly understand? Does he ever say that you teach him things? Those are very important things to look out for, especially before having children (if that's your choice for your future).

If you could go to a pub quiz and he proudly asserted that you could handle all the pop culture questions whilst he tackled, say, history, I don't think that's a bad thing personally. That sounds like a lovely relationship. But as I said ultimately, if you feel intimidated, then it isn't a good relationship to stay in