Intimidated by my boyfriends intelligence :/

[jasminepeony]

So I haven't been able to see my boyfriend for many weeks (due to the current situation) but we have been keeping in touch over facetime. But because all we have is conversation (no hugs etc), sometimes I'm left feeling a little drained.

Basically, he's super intelligent and he speaks in this very intellectual way. I'll be saying stuff like "yeah I watched this movie earlier and I really liked it". He will ask me about it and then he will give me this really comprehensive analysis on what it was really about and my mind is just blown.

Like, I do really value his mind and he always helps me to see things in a more in-depth way, but sometimes I feel so out of my element. Recently it has dawned on me that he's like my teacher, and I'm his student and sometimes I feel intimidated and just wish we could be on the same level. He's always so measured and thoughtful in his speech and I feel like I have nothing to contribute.

I have expressed my worries to him before and he tells me I'm much more intelligent than I give myself credit for and that he likes the way I speak and finds it endearing etc.

I guess maybe I just need more girlfriends to have those silly, emotional conversations with and should stop trying to get this from my partner? I don't know, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Not picking =Nit picking

Absinthe important thing here is whether he is interested in your"humble" point of view or not?

Omg "absinthe"?

The most important thing here...

(Bows out)

Oh god I cant believe the usual manhaters are out again.
I cant believe that he is being called boring, rude patronising etc.
There are strengths she will have that he doesn't, should we slate her for those. If she was more tactile and fun , would it be ok to call her needy and cheap? I don't understand why some peoples first response is to split couples up and blame the DH.
It seems obvious to me that this is a self esteem issue, she feels he is stronger intellectually, and this maybe the case, although is does say that he thinks what you have to say has value. In the current situation her strengths may not shine through but he obviously loves you for you.

The most intelligent guys I've met never showed off with their IQ and elaborated opinion about every little thing
I've met some show-offs at various levels of intelligence :) but wouldn't want to date one. The guy I am with now knows a lot about geopolitics, but apologises for boring me if he finds himself going on about something for too long. The guy before him had a memory like an encyclopaedia - retained every fact, it was really impressive - but didn't lecture at all; he was excellent at lively discussions.

I cant believe that he is being called boring, rude patronising etc.
He's lecturing someone about a film they have seen. That's boring, rude and patronising whether you're a man or a woman.

OP, always be wary of someone who intimidates you with what they think they know, especially if they say things like ‘I like you because you’re endearing/have a good heart/are such a lovely person.’

At the very least it’s the foundation for an unequal relationship, but much worse, and it’s something I’ve experienced more than once, it’s a subtle way of telling you they like you because they think they can bend you to their will.

Clever people don’t need to flaunt their superior intellect all the time, especially in chilled out comfy chats with their partner. People who do that are people who have an interest in convincing a partner that they know best, and people who do that are not good partners.

OP, you probably aren’t thinking about dumping him at the moment, which I understand, but can I make a suggestion. Disagree with him about something. Robustly disagree and don’t let him talk you into submission. His reaction will tell you exactly what kind of person he is.

It didn't sound like he's lecturing the OP at all, she said he listened to her then gave his own views, presumably based on what she'd told him. She didn't say that he put her views down or invalidated them in any way. In fact, it sounds like he's making an effort to make their conversations interesting.

The only question is whether they're both able to enjoy the conversation. If not then perhaps they aren't well matched. On the other hand, it may be that in ordinary times they are better able to compliment each other's differences and satisfy their needs for different types of conversation with different people.

@Whatsthisfuckery I think most people would have an angry reaction to someone who was vehemently disagreeing with them just for the sake of disagreeing.

OH is borderline anti-monarchy. I, on the other hand, enjoy some frivolous light royal-watching, devour pictures of the fashion, am 100% committed to watching all royal weddings.

I know that Dh thinks royals are a bit ridiculous. But... he has never once put me down or suggested I'm fool because I like it. And even with two fairly small children when I announced I'd be off to watch Meghan and Harry's wedding at the office where it would be quiet and I'd be gone all day, he didn't blink.

Ditto, DH is much more creative than me. He loves to watch hardcore heavy movies and tv shows. He loves a documentary. But he doesn't tell me what to think about the movies and tv shows I watch.

He likes talking to you becuase its 'humbling' and 'brings him down to earth' how much more patronising can you get? What a way to put you in your place 🙄

Hes clearly got a very high opinion of himself. There nothing worse than when you just want to enjoy something and some twat (normally male) trys to educate you on it.

Just because he can shout the loudest (or most articulate) doesnt mean hes more intelligent than you, and it doesnt mean hes right. Dont let him make yourself feel intimidated by him. Just because you dropped out of college doesnt mean you arent intelligent, hes not better than you because he can give you a lecture on a film you watched

@Baboomtsk he said he finds OPs conversation endearing, humbling and brings him down to earth

Thats incredibly, patronising. It screams 'Im better than you'

My DH is like this. Super duper intelligent. Genius levels of raw intelligence refined by doing a very intellectual PhD. I can’t say I ever feel intimidated. Sometimes I do fail to keep up and have to ask him to clarify something he’s said but that could happen with everyone. I don’t think it’s inevitable that you should feel intimidated just because you’ve had less education than him, I think the sense of intimidation is actually quite worrying. Either it’s a reflection on your own self esteem or he’s actually being unkind.

OP, had he ever watched the film in question?

He sounds like a pompous knob

The endearing/humbling or whatever thing wasn't actually very nice/was back handed.or patronizing.

I don't think he's very good at 'reading the room.' He doesn't have much social intelligence, or maybe he's doing all this because he thinks it will impress you.

A truly intelligent person who doesn't have ASD learns to pace conversations to the intellectual and academic level of the person they're talking to, so they keep people relaxed and maintain friendships.

I was seeing a bloke once who was very bright, and I felt like such an inferior person. You might find it helpful to think of all the qualities and abilities you have that he doesn't (there will be some.)

You are warm, enthusiastic, put people at their ease etc, if you made a list perhaps it'd help you feel better.

OP read up on negging. It’s basically a way of giving back handed compliments while subtly putting them down. Even if he’s not doing this it’s useful to know what to look out for.

OP - if your worry is that he’ll get bored with you due to the differences you have in Intelligence/general knowledge - you shouldn’t.
I don't know how long you have been together - but he clearly knows you don’t have a PhD. Men don’t necessarily seek a match on educational level from their partners, in general and in my personal experience.
I’d stereotype a bit and say that it’s more common for women, if a situation were reversed.
What can damage a relationship is if you feel insecure and let it affect you. No need whatsoever! PhDs are smart in many ways but often quite clueless in lots of real life situations. So you two can have a quite complementary relationship where you both would bring something to the table.

As to the emotional banter conversations you want you have - in general girlfriends are best for that - as men (PhD or not) don’t seem to enjoy them anyway.

My dh is very bright & we’re incompatible in so many ways. He knows everything & is like a walking encyclopaedia but has absolutely no common sense at all. It drives me mad!

PP's are also right that the way you feel could be a red flag. The bloke I was seeing turned out to be a real wrong'un, very manipulative etc.

Your boyfriend could be acting like this to begin to enhance a power imbalance in the relationship to enable him to get you to do what he wants, or things you don't want to do, more easily.

He likes talking to you and the different aspect you bring to a conversation so carry on. Don't feel intimidated. I personally find intelligence massively attractive but intelligence doesn't necessarily mean you're articulate.

If he's talking to you then he's interested in what you have to say, so don't worry about it and be yourself.

Oh yawn, I have a science masters but I can still have a normal conversation with other people without wanting to hyper analyse everything because I am not a massive bore.
I've been with others who just turn everything into an intellectual debate and if I am not at work I don't want to know.
I like gardening, cats and building dollshouses and furniture and at work I enjoy science.
None of my friends are interested in science per se and don't want to debate everything.
You really do need to read the room - it's not all about him, it's about the people you are with too and your joint interests.

I think men tend to be more like this than women though, they just have to flaunt their imagined superiority, I work mostly with men in my speciality and there is constant rivalry.

Is he intelligent or is he just wordsy? Is he clever or is he just adept at memorizing facts? Is he engaged with a subject, or is he obsessed? Is he talking with you or is he monologuing? Does he want to bring you with him and become an active discussion participant or does he need you in thrall to him? His muse - silent and admiring?

The way you say he speaks to you makes me wonder, does he have any of the traits of male aspergers?

He sounds like a boorish know it all who loves the sound of his own voice while trying to knock you down a notch.

When he goes on and on, change the topic. Say nothing and zone out then when he finally realises you might not be there say, oh what was that? I wasn't really listening.

@DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon

You could interpret it as being patronising but it isn't necessarily.

There are differences between the OP and her boyfriend in terms of their education and the way they communicate.

My interpretation is that the OP brought these differences up and her boyfriend was trying to give her reassurance. I may be wrong but OP can clarify if so.

I think it would have been more patronising in that situation to pretend the differences between them don't exist. Saying that the OP 'brings him down to Earth' could be interpreted as him actually poking fun at himself as he is aware that he has a tendency to be overly intellectualising or a bit pompous at times.

Saying that he finds the way she speaks endearing could just mean that he finds the way she speaks... endearing?

I think that OP is in a better position to judge how she should feel about these comments than any one on here.