Intimidated by my boyfriends intelligence :/

[jasminepeony]

So I haven't been able to see my boyfriend for many weeks (due to the current situation) but we have been keeping in touch over facetime. But because all we have is conversation (no hugs etc), sometimes I'm left feeling a little drained.

Basically, he's super intelligent and he speaks in this very intellectual way. I'll be saying stuff like "yeah I watched this movie earlier and I really liked it". He will ask me about it and then he will give me this really comprehensive analysis on what it was really about and my mind is just blown.

Like, I do really value his mind and he always helps me to see things in a more in-depth way, but sometimes I feel so out of my element. Recently it has dawned on me that he's like my teacher, and I'm his student and sometimes I feel intimidated and just wish we could be on the same level. He's always so measured and thoughtful in his speech and I feel like I have nothing to contribute.

I have expressed my worries to him before and he tells me I'm much more intelligent than I give myself credit for and that he likes the way I speak and finds it endearing etc.

I guess maybe I just need more girlfriends to have those silly, emotional conversations with and should stop trying to get this from my partner? I don't know, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Sounds like he’s book smart and you are more emotionally intelligent. Should work out well. Remember intelligence comes in different forms.

How are you being manipulated. Do you end the conversation thinking you need to immediately catch up on some Bergman?

I don’t think she said manipulation at all. She said intimidated. Two very different things.

He finds the way you speak endearing? Sounds a bit patronising & belittling to me.

It seems to me you find your interactions unequal and a bit stressful, but perhaps he enjoys having the upper hand intellectually so to speak? Is that sustainable?
Would annoy the hell out of me. IMO your partner is exactly the person to be having emotional conversations with.

He might not be right about the film, you know. Just because he argues his case articulately, doesn’t mean his is the only valid opinion.

I agree with @LouiseTrees
It’s possible you aren’t feeling the balance that your emotional intelligence gives as you aren’t in direct contact so you are relying more on verbal communications.
As long as your values are aligned it’s healthy to have different personalities and skills in a partnership.

As an aside. My DH is very intelligent but my god he lacks common sense sometimes.

God, I'd kill him for being a patronising twat! Does he always treat you like he's lecturing you? Sounds like he doesn't want your contributions, he just wants you being wowed by his superior intellect. Does he ask your opinion or just TELL you his? Endearing ffs.

My XH was like this OP, and I was very young when I met him. I thought he was dazzlingly clever and knew so much about everything. He doesn’t, he just thinks he does, but it took me years of feeling intimidated by him, being lectured and corrected by him and feeling utterly worthless and stupid before I finally realised the truth.

Don’t confuse intelligence with being a know it all. There is no correlation between intellect and how many words a person can type about any given subject, and tbh a person who launches into long diatribes at the drop of a hat sounds rather insufferable.

And, films can be interpreted in as many ways as there are people watching them. They’re supposed to be art, and the point of art is that it’s supposed to evoke a reaction, not the right reaction.

Honestly don’t spend your time with someone who makes you feel inadequate. The fact that they even continue to do the thing that makes you feel inadequate says nothing about them that’s worth sticking around to hear.

It's hard from your post to figure out how these conversations are going - is he like telling you you didn't get it and then telling you what things like a movie means?

Or is he just getting excited and sharing what he thought of it but in a bit of a wordy way?

I'm a lecturer in film and I usually find that young men who give detailed analyses of film talk a lot of waffle and don't know what they're talking about . He isn't necessarily right. He has learned to give a lot of his opinion and you have learned to listen. In an equal relationship this should be more even. (Why not surprise him by reading reviews/ articles about some of the films you enjoy and practice articulating your opinion, if you'd like to? Bear in mind that most films seek to elicit an emotional response, which you are already good at seeing, not a lot of nonsense about what the director meant. I've been on lots of film sets and a lot of what critics see as symbolism is there because it happened to be around at the time!). Don't be intimidated. You are a lot smarter than you think.

@Ihaventgottimeforthis, @Whatisthisfuckery and @Thingsdogetbetter have it right I think. Sorry.

Honestly I would find somebody who over analyses everything to that extent really boring. I don't want an in depth analysis of what a film/book/whatever was about. I just want to enjoy it and have the other person listen to me.

I wouldn't be able to put up with that for long.

I also think that “endearing” is rather infantilising. Next time you discuss a film listen to his thoughts and then suggest “let’s agree to disagree” If he then goes on (and on!) to insist his opinion is the correct way to feel then I think this could be a problem in how he views the relationship.

I had a friend like this. He would go into an extended monologue about a film we just watched and it really took the fun out of it. It's unclear though whether he's making you feel intimidated with his tone and being patronising or if it's your own self esteem. When my friend did it it didn't intimidate me, I was able to roll my eyes and rib him a little for not being able to just sit and enjoy a movie sometimes

PPs are right though. These are his opinions and interpretations. In English on school we had to analyse Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet. We must have watch the opening scene in class 1000 times and pick it apart. We all wrote different essays with different interpretations as to why something was done a certain way, even tiny things. There were no wrong answers. Marks were given based on how you articulated your argument, not the argument itself.

You may find you're incompatible after this I'm sorry to say.

So you are the one who's seen the film, but he's the one giving you a lecture on it. Do you not find that rude and boring? He may know lots of long words, but he's not big on how to hold a conversation, is he?
Stop telling him that you're worried you're not as clever as him, as it sounds like it's just encouraging him to patronise you.

Is he older than you? Or as he been to uni and you havent? Or different backgrounds or life experiences? Is it just this one thing over the cinema or is it more of a trend? If you are young and attractive do you worry he is using you physically? It's difficult to tell from this one example.

One thing is for sure, you are an intelligent person. If you want to improve your vocab, it's up to you with numerous books and kindles and YouTube vid's ... but that's up to you.

A very clever (but sciency) friend of mine had a DP in the media and she felt she could never win or put an argument/differing view, even when she was factually right, because his use and command of language was such that he could always "put" his view better ... he was an amazingly witty, caustic funny person for a dinner party or evening out ... but everyone said they wouldnt really like to live with him!

I thought that about my dh too as he had two degrees, he thought he was soo clever. until he went into the kitchen and was cackhanded in using a whisk and couldn't whip the cream if his life depended on it.

Jokes aside, if you're resenting him now, I'd leave because it doesn't get any easier. You can walk or learn to tune out and watch the film's you want in your own time.

Basically, he's super intelligent and he speaks in this very intellectual way. I'll be saying stuff like "yeah I watched this movie earlier and I really liked it". He will ask me about it and then he will give me this really comprehensive analysis on what it was really about and my mind is just blown

My stepFIL is like this and it's so fucking boring.

In fact he'll drone on and on about any subject that gets brought up like he's a world renowned expert and we're all minions who should be extremely grateful to have his supreme intelligence and opinion bestowed upon us.

I've come to realise that he's a bullshitter. Talks a good game but he's mostly winging it.

@ravenmum
I have a colleague like this and my god it's annoying as hell.
We were talking once about books and I told him what I read and how much I like a specific writer and he googled reviews for that writer's books and "confronted" my opinion of those book with w/e he found online and told me that I might as well stop reading them because I don't seem to understand what they are really about! This was coming from someone who didn't read anything from that author!

Run away from smart asses! The most intelligent guys I've met never showed off with their IQ and elaborated opinion about every little thing.

Mmm, the wording here is a bit concerning - you feel intimidated, he finds you "endearing". But I'm also willing to give benefit of the doubt, especially as it's hard to build and maintain relationships via FaceTime.

Having said that, if you saw a movie and enjoyed it, you shouldn't feel you have to sit through a lecture on why you enjoyed it for the wrong reasons or shouldn't have enjoyed it. There's a big difference between him saying, "did you like how they did [insert plot device or whatever] - I thought that was a really interesting way of showing evil and menace" and him saying, "the problem with that movie is that it completely ignores the reality of how poor white men are treated and the director missed 50 opportunities to really highlight this."

The point is that him sharing his opinion and asking for yours is different to him telling you what you should have thought about the movie.

That's true of everything.

I consider myself intelligent but I couldn’t be bothered with this. Not everything needs to be an intellectual discussion. It’s nice to just enjoy things for what they are.
I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong but perhaps you are not compatible. Not to say that you should have loads in common, but if you feel inferior that can’t be good.

Is he much older than you? Does he see you as a pupil? Does he like to 'teach' you, give you the benefit of his 'wisdom'? (If so, there could be a Professor Higgins thing going on.) Does he listen properly to you when you speak, or does he tend to lecture you? Does he do turn-taking in conversation or does he monologue?

Okay so I just want to add:

I genuinely don't believe he is trying to patronise me with his analysis'. He just has a very analytical mind and likes to share it with me. He does have a lot of empathy so I don't see him as being belitting or anything like that.

When I said 'endearing', I probably should have said 'humbling'. He has often told me he likes that I bring him down-to-earth- and appreciate the smaller things and I have an inquisitive mind.

We do have very different backgrounds (he has a PHD. I dropped out of college) so that probably contributes to the different conversational styles.

I can have emotional conversations with him, but its just on an everyday basis I feel like he is drawn to more high brow topics and theories and I'm drawn to things like pop culture etc. It's not always an issue but it has become more noticeable since lockdown.

Sounds like he’s being both patronising and showing off.

I’m a member of Mensa. I’m perfectly capable of having a daft silly conversation and I don’t spend my days speaking in an intellectual way to my friends, nor do I tell them they are endearing because of the way they talk. Which is in itself a put down.

And arguably I very likely have a higher IQ than your boyfriend.

As such, sorry I suspect he’s just a patronising twat who is trying to big himself up. This has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence levels and everything to do with who he is as a person.

I agree with @Whatisthisfuckery

I was initially attracted to my ex's intelligence.

It turned into belligerence, not picking and a refusal to accept anyone else might have a different point of view or opinion on something.

If you see hints of that, please be very cautious. (Or just run for the hills!!!).