Too sensitive for his banter?

[AmISensitive]

Hi all,

I feel a little ridiculous asking this but I’m wondering if I’m too sensitive or too serious for my partner’s jokes/banter/sense of humour.

He works in the trades so in a very male dominated environment and that sometimes ends up coming home. He often calls me dickhead, tells me to fuck off, or just puts me down as a joke. I can’t stress this enough when I say he is just joking, he doesn’t shout and it’s never said in anger, but still I find it a bit hard to stomach sometimes. His reaction is “how can you get upset when you know I’m just joking or playing with you?”

The odd comment is fine and if I have done something funny and a bit stupid then he can laugh at/with me and call me a knob but it’s when it’s every day or if a situation hasn’t called for it that I don’t really like.

For example, the house had become a bit of a mess (we’re doing lots of DIY at the minute) so I had a massive clean up whilst he chilled out in the other room then took him a cup of tea. His response was “where’s my tea?” I know he was joking but why couldn’t he have just said thank you?

Am I being too sensitive? Sometimes I feel like I am and sometimes I feel like I’m not. Lockdown isn’t helping with the feeling of going stir crazy either! If I am being too sensitive, any tips on how to just let things go?

Thanks in advance

oops!

Abusers often describe abusive comments as a joke.

Either way, I don't think he's the man for you.

To be fair a lot of tradesman can't finish a sentence without swearing

This isn't banter. Banter is two way. This is harassment.

Yes swearing is a verbal tic with some people, but that's not the same as putting someone down.

Yanbu. He sounds like a dick.
Just tell him you dont care if he thinks its banter. (Its not because banter is funny) You dont like it and therefore he needs to stop it.

It's not banter it's bullying especially when he knows you hate it.
You need to nip that in the bud hard.

How long have you been together op? Do you have kids?

You have to nip this in the bud, OP. Stand up for yourself. Every. Single. Time.

Please do read up about BOUNDARIES. What he is doing is not acceptable. If he continues to put you down in this way, you must leave.

You do not want to spend your one and only precious life with someone who doesn't respect you.

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden is a very worthwhile read.

Banter! What a load of bollocks. He's a twat.

I love listening to my husband telling me about the conversations he has at work. Quick or filthy wit is very funny. Sometimes it’s fascinatingly horrible. He never talks to me like that though. He’s capable of switching his style to fit. Yours sounds like he’s stuck in dick-head mode.
And when someone tells you that you’re too sensitive it just means shut up. Take it. But you aren’t the apprentice are you? You can do better than this I’d say.

I feel the same, I could respond in kind and play along but it’s just not my style when it’s so unnecessary.

You're right not to do this.

I cringe on here when women say their partners are perving on their friends social media pics and the advice is to do it to the partners friends... don't lower yourself to their level.

Listen, this is hard to hear I know but you aren't compatible. He sounds like a nob, childish and with a selfish mean streak.

I've disowned the word banter because while my partner and I do actually have what I would call banter (which is good natured piss taking that doesn't hurt our feelings) the word has been claimed by people who mean "I am being a cunt but I find it funny so you can't tell me it's not a joke"

You are incompatible.

He likes doing something despite knowing you dislike it so much you've asked him to stop.

Not only that, he tells you that you're ridiculous not to like it and that you aren't fun because you don't like it.

The real question is why are you with someone you are so incompatible with?

Too often on here ask "was it ok he said that?" Or "was I wrong to be hurt by it?" There isn't a rule book of what's ok / right / wrong.

What matters is that it upsets you, you have told him that and his response is to tell you your worries are stupid and to continue to do it.

Does that sound healthy to you?

I've been there. It doesn't end well. These men are often the stalker type as well, at least until they find another victim (which can take years). Get rid, and be very careful about it.

This is one of those red flags people talk about. It's nasty disrespectful behaviour.

Fundamentally you have to ask why he is choosing to repeatedly upset you. Simply put, a nice, kind, empathetic partner would do their best to make you happy. They'd understand why mean-spirited jokes are not funny and would modify their 'banter' to make you laugh.

At the very least it's tiresome and boring dealing with people like this. Some people are just utterly tone deaf, but who wants to be the person dating the guy making fart jokes at a funeral?

At the worst you're dealing with someone who will escalate from verbal abuse to dv as he actually doesnt give a shit about you or your feelings. You are merely an object to serve his wants and if you get hurt in the process, well it's your fault for not reacting in the correct way.

His banter might get laughs from his mates at work but:

A) he’s not at work
B) you’re not one of his mates
C) you’ve told him you don’t like it

It’s only a joke if everyone is laughing.

I would hate to be talked to like that. He's not going to change as he doesn't see why he should. It's up to you whether you want to stay with someone like this.

Omg op, no you are not too sensitive. Maybe you have different senses of humour, but tbh he is not acknowledging your feelings. if you tell him you don't like something he should stop.

I had one like this before. did exactly what you say about, say mean things or even just conversational stuff that would rub me the wrong way - and then would say 'but I didn't mean it, it was a joke'. this soon bled into every area of our lives, and I'd feel really stupid for not knowing that it was a 'joke' when in fact it was a get out of jail free card for literally anything he said.

what is he like with keeping promises op? I only ask because my ex (so thankful to type ex) would make promises about random things or say he would do certain things, serious or non serious - and then didn't. When called out on it he'd be all "yeah I know I said that, but I didn't really mean it"

it took me many years of pain and feeling crazy to realise that he was just kind of horrible and willing to gaslight me about my feelings. whether he meant to or not doesn't actually matter, all that matters is how it makes you feel. don't minimise that.

OP that’s really not nice behaviour from him - why doesn’t it bother him that he keeps upsetting you?!

The first time he made one of these comments after you’d asked him not to and told him it upset you was a red flag.

You can do so much better than this.

He wouldn't speak like that to his grandmother, his dentist, the bank manager, or any number of other people like that would he? No. Because he knows it is offensive.

So he's perfectly capable of refraining from talking to people like that if he wants to. If he can mind his language when talking to a stranger, how come he can't do the same when he talks to you?

Banter is a two way thing. Calling his mates ‘dickhead’ is different because presumably that’s how they all speak to each other. Would he call his mum a ‘dickhead’ if she didn’t like it and say it’s just banter? I doubt it. He knows exactly it’s not your kind of humour and he’s using it as a way to gaslight and belittle you. You’re not being sensitive.

How are you doing OP?

Banter is fine if you find it funny.

You've told him you don't like it so he should respect that and stop it. If you liked kicking him in the balls because you 'found his reaction funny' would you stop if he said it hurt? Of course you would. He's being disrespectful to your feelings by continuing to do it.

When he does it again look at him, dead pan and say 'that's not funny, I find it extremely insulting' if he tells you not to be so sensitive repeat 'I still don't find it funny, I find it extremely insulting' if he continues to do it he's made it obvious he's going to continue wether you like it or not. You've then got to decide if you stay with him and out you with it or leave him

I could be friends with somebody like this but I couldn’t live with them in a romantic relationship. With friend banter you can have a break from it and it’s not constant. If it’s in your face all the time I can imagine it’s just draining and off putting.

It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible really. I’ve got a female friend who loves this type of banter and would be bored by any guy who didn’t give it 24/7. I’ve always thought it a bit much to be honest. We’re all different. You’re allowed to like what you like. If you don’t like the way he talks to you then it’s your choice. You can dump him and find somebody who talks to you properly.

It's not you being sensitive it him being disrespectful. If he knows it upsets you and he says it in the guise of a 'joke' no.