Too sensitive for his banter?

[AmISensitive]

Hi all,

I feel a little ridiculous asking this but I’m wondering if I’m too sensitive or too serious for my partner’s jokes/banter/sense of humour.

He works in the trades so in a very male dominated environment and that sometimes ends up coming home. He often calls me dickhead, tells me to fuck off, or just puts me down as a joke. I can’t stress this enough when I say he is just joking, he doesn’t shout and it’s never said in anger, but still I find it a bit hard to stomach sometimes. His reaction is “how can you get upset when you know I’m just joking or playing with you?”

The odd comment is fine and if I have done something funny and a bit stupid then he can laugh at/with me and call me a knob but it’s when it’s every day or if a situation hasn’t called for it that I don’t really like.

For example, the house had become a bit of a mess (we’re doing lots of DIY at the minute) so I had a massive clean up whilst he chilled out in the other room then took him a cup of tea. His response was “where’s my tea?” I know he was joking but why couldn’t he have just said thank you?

Am I being too sensitive? Sometimes I feel like I am and sometimes I feel like I’m not. Lockdown isn’t helping with the feeling of going stir crazy either! If I am being too sensitive, any tips on how to just let things go?

Thanks in advance

[AmISensitive]

Thank you @acatcalledjohn I do tell him explicitly in the moment that I don’t like it and why and he just doesn’t get it. I then find it hard to explain exactly why, even though I know he’s joking, I still don’t like it.

[caramelbun]

“I’m not one of the boys, don’t talk to me like that” why? “I don’t like it”

He has to be either thick or just nasty not to understand that you shouldn’t talk to your girlfriend like that.

Not all men talk like this, I think some men would find it too much even if it’s joking.

[ellenpartridge]

You don't sound compatible. I wouldn't like this either and couldn't be in a relationship with someone who bantered like this.

[acatcalledjohn]

@AmISensitive You aren't sensitive, and you shouldn't need to explain why it makes you feel upset; it simply does. If he doesn't care that this makes you feel upset then you really ought to question how much he truly cares about you.

Because in his mind his right to banter trumps your right to feel happy and loved. That's not an equal relationship.

Banter is only banter when the recipient perceives it as banter.

[GilbertMarkham]

I personally dont like men like this, makes me uncomfortable.

I could respond in kind/give as good as I got but I just couldn't be bothered .. it's not the manner in which I would want to conduct communication in a relationship.

It's quite aggressive and deratory, joking or not.

These men also tend to be all round dickheads in my experience.

Me sister dated one who'd speak like this (he once famously said ".. cause I like you, ye cunt" in response to something) .... He turned out to be generally undateable (and very disrespectful to women).. I think it's a bit if a personality flaw not to be able to turn it off/adapt to who you're with.

Why sre you clearing up and bringing him drinks while he sits in his arse??!!

[GilbertMarkham]

(on)

[GilbertMarkham]

Also I do tend to find that if you respond in kind and give them a good bit of jip back; they can't take it and get annoyed. So they're hypocrites.

[0DETTE]

I do tell him explicitly in the moment that I don’t like it and why and he just doesn’t get it. I then find it hard to explain exactly why, even though I know he’s joking, I still don’t like it

So you tell him that you don’t like it and why. But he doesn’t think your reason is good enough and therefore your feelings don’t count.

You are only allowed to have feelings when he agrees with them.

[AmISensitive]

I feel the same, I could respond in kind and play along but it’s just not my style when it’s so unnecessary.

And the point about only being allowed to have feelings if he agrees with them rings true too. He doesn’t understand why he should apologise for something if he didn’t mean to upset me. He thinks you should only apologise if it was with the intent to upset someone.

Oh God, I feel like I’ve been blinkered. He is really wonderful in other respects but this has been niggling away and part of me honestly hoped you’d say I was being a delicate flower and to get over it...

[fuckoffImcounting]

Call him a cunt every time he does it and then shout 'Joking'.

[RantyAnty]

He's a mean twat.
It's not up to him to decide whether you're offended or not.
Same with an apology. Has nothing to do with intent.
It has to do with the person who was hurt or wrong.
If you tell someone making fun of your hair hurt your feelings, they need to apologise for what they said.
It's not up to him to decide.

Let me guess, this banter is mostly one sided towards you.

[Raidblunner]

The best way to get him to stop his laddie behaviour is to shame him in front of his mates. Men hate this....when your about to leave the pub or club if they ever reopen say to him "c'mon pencil dick time to go'

[incognitomum]

Tempting as it would be to do the same to him I couldn't be with someone who disrespected me.

Good luck.

[RandomWordsandaNumber5]

It’s the fact that you’ve told him and told him that you don’t like it but he still does it that I would find hard to stomach.
Why do your feelings and wishes not matter to him?

[0DETTE]

How can he be wonderful in other respects if you are not allowed to have opinions or feelings unless he agrees?

What happens if he wants you both to do something eg watch a film on Tv, go to a restaurant, do something particular in bed and you say “ no thanks, I don’t fancy that”?

Do you have to do it unless you have good enough reasons for saying no?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship?.

Why are you and he together at all?.

He does this because he can and this works for him. He is not joking with you at all and is using you to big himself further up at your expense. This behaviour is also a part of what emotionally abusive men do. I would think he does not treat other people like you are treated either. What you may well be in too is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse.

No you are not being sensitive and this man needs to be given his marching orders out of your life. This is not a relationship you should be at all in. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

[PilatesPeach]

He is not going to change OP. This is who he is.

[FilledSoda]

I would find this unbearable.
Has he always spoken to you like this ?
How did the relationship even get off the ground ?
You need to think about your boundaries, what are YOU prepared to accept ?

[GilbertMarkham]

Also I've known lots of trades men and plenty don't speak like this.

To their partners or at all, so it's a him thing rather than a tradesman thing.

[Wanderlust21]

Nope nope nope.

I scrolled down to ask if his 'banter' is ever put downs - and saw you mentioned 'degrading comments'. Run for the fucking hills!

Does he display any other traits of a narcissist btw? Might be worth googling.

I wonder if he ever compares you with others? (His exs maybe?) or always has something to say about your choice of clothes?

Either way, put downs in a relationship are not ok. They are not banter and it sounds like he is training you to tolerate abuse. Its common for abusive ppl to tell you you are too sensitive or over reacting. Or just look at you as if they just dont get it, when you call them out on hurtful behaviour. They DO get it. They know they are being hurtful. They just want you to feel like you are the one with the problem.

[conduitoffortune]

Take every single opportunity to do this back to him.
Morning cunty chops, your breath fucking stinks.
Where's my tea, divvy cunt
Tidy up your mess soft lad
When's your baby due, fat shit
Hurry up prawn dick

Seeing as he loves 'banter' so much

[Wanderlust21]

Ooh just read this page too now and you have mentioned the 'he doesnt get it's look. Yup. Thought so.

You should never have to explain to someone why obviously hurtful behaviour, is hurtful.

If you find yourself doing this, get the feck away from this person asap. They arent normal. And you better believe it - they dont want good things for you.

[FreeKitties]

caramelbun sums it up perfectly

“I’m not one of the boys, don’t talk to me like that” why? “I don’t like it”

That conversation should be enough , if it isn't then maybe time to have a rethink.

My DH is in the forces and can be quite sweary in certain company but very early on in our relationship I told him I don't like being sworn at so he doesn't do sweary banter with me. If your partner values and respects you then asking him to stop because you don't like it should be enough.

[Powerplant]

But he’s not at work when he’s with you. In the past my OH would on occasion pass some comment which I didn’t like and told him ‘you're not on the building site now’ he would apologise and has learnt not to do it a home. So just remind him he’s at home with you at not at work. Good luck

[monkeymonkey2010]

He doesn’t understand why he should apologise for something if he didn’t mean to upset me
Classic narcissist's response!

Here's the poem that completes his attitude.

He's telling you blatantly that he will do and say exactly as HE pleases -and your feelings don't matter.
In fact, you're not allowed to have - or state - your own feelings.
You have to learn to view any attack on your self respect and dignity as normal and 'nothing serious'....respond with a smile and feel secretly grateful that sometimes he does throw a few crumbs your way with 'nice' words.
Once you've been conditioned and stop standing up for yourself - those few 'nice' crumbs he throws will stop as well.

Then you're just left with the abuse - but cos you've been 'letting it go' and going along with it, it's your 'normal' now.
you'll end up feeling/thinking that it's your own fault if you don't like it, or that you have let him think it's ok so it's not 'fair/right' to ask him to change.

I don't know how long you've been with him - but whatever you sunk into this relationship is worth losing.
He's abusive - and probably a narcissist too.