Too sensitive for his banter?

[AmISensitive]

Hi all,

I feel a little ridiculous asking this but I’m wondering if I’m too sensitive or too serious for my partner’s jokes/banter/sense of humour.

He works in the trades so in a very male dominated environment and that sometimes ends up coming home. He often calls me dickhead, tells me to fuck off, or just puts me down as a joke. I can’t stress this enough when I say he is just joking, he doesn’t shout and it’s never said in anger, but still I find it a bit hard to stomach sometimes. His reaction is “how can you get upset when you know I’m just joking or playing with you?”

The odd comment is fine and if I have done something funny and a bit stupid then he can laugh at/with me and call me a knob but it’s when it’s every day or if a situation hasn’t called for it that I don’t really like.

For example, the house had become a bit of a mess (we’re doing lots of DIY at the minute) so I had a massive clean up whilst he chilled out in the other room then took him a cup of tea. His response was “where’s my tea?” I know he was joking but why couldn’t he have just said thank you?

Am I being too sensitive? Sometimes I feel like I am and sometimes I feel like I’m not. Lockdown isn’t helping with the feeling of going stir crazy either! If I am being too sensitive, any tips on how to just let things go?

Thanks in advance

[JamieLeeCurtains]

I'm very sorry he's hurt you so badly, OP, but I'm not sorry you're ending nor should you be. Learn from it and you'll be stronger than ever

[ChristmasFluff]

this is typical abuser behaviour, and his 'loving' side is an act to confuse you into thinking he loves you, when he only wants to control you.

Love is not control.

Few would stay with an abuser if they were always abusive. They know that, and they are only as abusive as they think they can get away with.

Even his 'not apologising if he didn't mean to upset you' doesn't hold water, because you've told him it upsets you and he's still done it. So he has deliberately chosen to upset you. That is not love.

Please stay away from him now, OP. He really is abusive. The more you wrote, the more obvious it became - and that will be what you have experienced. It's not your fault. We all thought we'd spot an abuser until we ended up with one :-( xx

[TorkTorkBam]

These types tend to drop the act when you are more tied down. Did he escalate when you became leashed by the house?

Don't beat yourself up too much over not spotting the red flags earlier. You have now. Get rid. Stop talking to him. Move on.

[dottiedodah]

He is showing his true colours now isnt he! You are allowed to feel however you want to .He is in the wrong not you .Chances are he ramped up on the abuse to "keep" you ,and now you have told him enough is enough and he doesnt like it! Tough shit!

[dottiedodah]

Well he knows it is upsetting you and still does it! I think thats all you need to know really isnt it. Does he speak to his DM DS or friends like this? Unless he is like 16 or something ,or terribly thick(neither of these sound like a good bet for the future TBH)! What would happen if you had children and he spoke to you like that in front of them! I would think about your future together seriously if I were you (ie you dont have a very good one with this guy!)

[whatayearitis]

I always believe it something bothers you then it is not right for you
Tell him to keep it for works hours and don't speak to me that way.
Mocking you for not partaking into his humour or language isn't healthy.
Next time he says what's wrong with you.. tell him exactly what.
Sensitive is not a fault it means you feel! Your real
Your partners a inconsiderate moron.
Tell him to leave his macho shot at work and put his boots out in the rain☺️

[namesnames]

His behaviour is aggressive and abusive, spot on.

You're not sensitive at all for not wanting to be shouted at, sworn at, called names etc. He is choosing to act this way, and he's escalating it. He's already showing you as time goes on, there is less of the nice man act and more of the nasty man act. When you challenge this, you'll be shouted at, called names, sworn at, told you're lying and the rest.

You are the opposite of a fool, you have realised how his treatment of you is abusive and you're getting out of the relationship.

That takes strength, good for you.

[Baseline2815]

Hope you are well today, OP. I think you're amazing - you knew that your boundaries were being crossed and then noticed when it got worse.

He doesn't need to 'get' why you are leaving him. You don't need his permission. You don't owe him an explanation.

[iwilltaketwoplease]

"Here's ya tea ya lazy fucker" should knock him down a peg.

[Rangoon]

My father was a tradesman. He would never have dared treat my mother that way. I don't think any of his work colleagues would have treated their partners that way either. There was no way that behaviour would have been seen as acceptable.

[FilledSoda]

I'm so glad you're getting out of this relationship.
He was never going change and he would have ruined your life.

[LillianBland]

You’re not a fool, OP. You’ve just been manipulated by an abusive man, like many many women before you. No man starts of in a relationship being abusive. They manipulate, cajole and twist you, until you end up questioning yourself, then the abuse ramps up. You should be proud of yourself. You got out before it was too late.

[AmISensitive]

You’re right, I do need to end it. I just feel like such a fool for getting sucked in and so disappointed that this is the man he has become.

His outbursts have become more frequent, he raises his voice to me in anger over nothing, and he doesn’t understand why I don’t think being told to fuck off is acceptable.

Looking back at my first post in this thread and even more so the title, it all feels so distant.

This definitely isn’t banter anymore, it’s aggressive and abusive.

[Squince]

I think you do know, OP. You need to end this for your own sanity and possibly safety. The man is an aggressive knuckledragger.

[AmISensitive]

Thank you everyone for your support.

He’s just called me again, raising his voice and saying that he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand why him saying my thoughts and feelings aren’t true is hurtful.

I said on the phone “I’m devastated” and his response was “no you’re not”.
Case in point.

He’s blaming me for everything and saying I’m twisting it and I’m overreacting and I’m sensitive.

I don’t know what to do.

[ItWentDownMyHeartHole]

Glad you’ve decided to stay with a friend. From what you’ve written his behaviour is very much getting worse and it wasn’t nice to start with. Why doesn’t he believe you when you tell him you’ve been at your mum’s? What’s that about? If the bad is horror show type stuff then no matter how loving he can be, when he chooses, I don’t think I’d go back. Please take care of yourself.

[LillianBland]

He’s the most wonderful person when he wants to be and an absolute horror show when he doesn’t.

No pet, he’s not a wonderful person when he wants to be, he’s ‘acting’ as if he’s a wonderful person when you’re ‘in your place’ and doing exactly what he wants. It’s a mask. It slips when you try to stand up for yourself. You know that.

[Dery]

“He’s the most wonderful person when he wants to be and an absolute horror show when he doesn’t.”

What you’re describing is an abuser, I think. Sorry it’s turned out this way for you.

[NooneElseIsSingingMySong]

I suspect this is a combination of things. He’s pushed your tolerance for his crappy behaviour before. Your posting about it has meant you’ve become more aware of it and also confident that you’re right, as other posters confirmed, it’s crappy behaviour. Also I suspect his thinks you’re firmly committed now you have the house together. His mask is slipping. The nice guy is fake. He’s showing you who he really is. Run.

[PickAChew]

Didn't see this, the first time around. You're not too sensitive. He's too much of a dickhead.He's rude and demeaning and doesn't see a problem with behaving like that.

[AmISensitive]

I’ve left for tonight and am at a friend’s house.
We just tried speaking on the phone and he became really argumentative again for no real reason, he just doesn’t seem to understand and says I’m making him out to be a horrible person when I bring him up on his actions.
You’re right though, he won’t get any nicer, kinder, or less controlling but it’s just so sad.
He’s the most wonderful person when he wants to be and an absolute horror show when he doesn’t.

[cantarina]

Things may have escalated because you now see his behaviour a bit more for what it is - it's not banter when it is hurtful. You know you're not 'too sensitive'. Sounds as though he has a few more personality quirks here if he is questioning your actions and over examining what you say.

Sorry OP it feels as though you would find it very difficult to build a relationship with him that can make you happy.

It shouldn't be this hard, if you behave in a way that upsets someone and they tell you that why would you continue with the behaviour?, even worse why would you effectively tell them to suck it up by saying they were 'too sensitive'. You wouldn't do that to someone you love, why is he doing it to you?

[ItWentDownMyHeartHole]

I’m really sorry to hear that. Surely it’s over? Because he’s not going to get nicer or kinder or less controlling. Can you leave?

[AmISensitive]

Thank you everyone for your replies and I’m sorry for going quiet, it’s been a hard few weeks.

Things have escalated.

He doesn’t believe anything I say and questions everything.

Me: “I’m going downstairs for a bit I’m not tired enough for bed yet”
Him: “what do you mean by that”
Me: “just exactly that, I’m not particularly tired”
Him: “right, but what are you trying to say”

I was taking some things to a friends and to my mum’s and he accused me of lying about why I was taking a box back.

He’s sworn at me “in the heat of the moment” but it’s me that’s taken it the wrong way.

I’m absolutely devastated. We were doing up a house to live together, lots of my things are there, and we had a future mapped out.
He’s incredibly loving when he wants to be and nobody has ever shown me love like that but then he has this whole other side to him and says that I’m “too sensitive”.

I’m really struggling.

[ProudMarys]

It's not you being sensitive it him being disrespectful. If he knows it upsets you and he says it in the guise of a 'joke' no.