Found bf on Tinder... please help

[SadSausage44]

Hi, I'm freaking out and could do with some tinder help. After a horrendous split with my ex husband that involved cheating, gaslighting etc and after some time alone I
met bf a few months ago on tinder, it has been amazing but recently I've just had a 'feeling' .... this morning I set up a tinder account just to see if he was still on there... I know, but I just had this gut feeling and wanted to reassure myself that not all men are cheating lying arseholes!!!
My bf was the first person to pop up....
He had also changed his bio on it...
He swears blind he deleted his account months ago and was last on it before xmas (we met late oct) but I thought if you'd been inactive on it you'd be at the bottom of the pile... not first up!
Can anyone advise? I know I thought I'd deleted my account but I was still getting messages and matches even though I'd taken the app off my phone which is what he claims he did, he offered to show me his phone but I was too distraught to look at it.

[Lampan]

@wonderrotunda Bumble and Tinder seem busier than ever during the lockdown! Which seems strange but I guess people are bored and have no other options for meeting people right now

[Ilovebanoffeepie]

The algorithm still wouldn’t explain the updated bio though!

[PrimeroseHillAnnie]

Sounds like you’re not gonna believe him irrespective. If you find the info your looking for he’s a lying bastard but if you don’t it’s only coz he’s deleted it.

[SadSausage44]

I so want to believe him, I really do.
I need to calm down before I broach this properly.

[LemonTT]

Well he probably is lying. You only met him a few months ago and don’t really know anything about him.

[SadSausage44]

7 months is long enough to start to really know someone surely?
I'm such an idiot... I'm so fucked up from my ex I'm terrified I've been taken for a total mug.

[leolion81]

The more recently active ones do show up first. That's neither here nor there anyway, he updated his bio after a couple of months and admits this.
I don't go for all that nonsense of not being serious etc, the fact is he was seeing you and presumably sleeping with you and decided to market himself on a dating app to attract other women.
I've had the same happen to me and you try to convince yourself it's fine and there's a legitimate reason but really there is none.
I'm sorry I know the gut punch feeling but you can't let him get away with this.

[managedmis]

He's lying

[LemonTT]

It’s not really. Given that 2 months have been in lockdown. At best you will have dated for a period and for him it wasn’t exclusive. You are now finding out that and that he is a liar. He is also taking risks with your health.

I’m not sure why he is with you at the moment. Unless you rushed to live together. That sounds a lot like mutual love bombing.

[Ilovebanoffeepie]

What leolion81 said!

[SadSausage44]

He told me we were exclusively dating.
It was an absolute instant click. It happens rarely for me but I guess I'm a romantic fool.

[Osirus]

Poor bloke! It could be perfectly innocent. Maybe give him a chance? Check the usage on the phone before chucking it all away.

Why are you so insecure in this relationship? You have previously been checking up on him. It’s no way to conduct a relationship. You should be able to trust each other. It’s very frustrating when your partner is insecure and untrusting.

If you can’t live with the doubts then end it, for his sake as well as yours.

[SadSausage44]

It may be innocent, however I trusted my ex husband and found out he was having an affair whilst I was doing donor egg ivf for a baby he claimed to be desperate for.
This is not my new bf fault but there have been a few red flags that led me to checking, not his phone, I'll never do that, but to see if he's active on tinder. I need to calm down and decide if I want to continue with a relationship.
I will never blindly trust someone again, I'm afraid that's what many years of abusive fucked up relationships will do to a girl.

[SortingItOut]

My sister.met her boyfriend on a dating app, after a month they both came off.

I used the same app and he never appeared even though he met my criteria and lived 10miles away.

2 months later he appeared, I screenshot and told my sister, she confronted him, he said he didnt know how to delete his profile so just left it.

He disappeared from the app and then 2 months after that he appeared again, slightly different photos though, I screenshot and sent to my sister who confronted him and he again played the ignorance card and she believed him.

He had definitely come off the app when she confronted him and then went back on - they are still together but I dont trust him one bit but I dont interfere.

[SortingItOut]

I think gut instinct is always right, if there have been red flags already after just 7 months, never mind the tinder profile then I think you know what you need to do.

He will gaslight you and deny it because now his profile has gone or he's blocked you, you dont have hard evidence, just your say so.

I'm 2 years out of a 17 yr marriage where my husband had emotional affairs, I have huge trust issues and will never trust again.

I'm seeing someone but we're not boyfriend/girlfriend because then that means I have to trust him and I dont think I ever will which is really sad as he is a great guy.

[ivykaty44]

the fact that this match was the first up, means that he is active on this app. if he hadn't used the app for 3/4 weeks his photographs would be at the bottom of the pile. This is how the app works

Someone up thread said logically why would he use the same app for dating and he'd use another one. Logic doesn't come into lying and cheating

sorry

but ditch

[WhotheWhat]

7 months is long enough to start to really know someone surely?
I'm such an idiot... I'm so fucked up from my ex I'm terrified I've been taken for a total mug

Dunno about that, but I'd say that 8 months (generous estimate) isn't long enough to know yourself after such a headfuck of a marriage. And if he's in the next room, you must living together already (lockdown or no). Sounds like you are still at the emotional mercy of other people..... xx

[famousforwrongreason]

I never checked on my ex the whole time we were together, even though I had plenty of opportunity. There were several signs early on but I blamed my anxiety and paranoia every time and he's a good talker.
I really wish I'd given in to my early on urges to snoop and then I wouldn't have ended up so hurt when I finally realised what a wanker he is.

[yesterdaystotalsteps123]

As people have said before on other threads if your ex was a 10/10 abuser, 5/10 is still not ok. I would stay single and learn to love yourself. It sounds cheesy but this guy is just another cheat and you'd be better off on your own and making yourself happy

[illclapwheniminpressed]

He would of pop up first because his phone number is linked to your phone which is linked to the app.
Were there new pictures?
Also if you delete an app you will still be on tinder, so you have to deactivate it then delete.
You can ask him to show you the app, App Store will also show if he recently download tinder again.

What numbers does he have on his blocked list?... this is also a big thing people don't check.

There's lots of was you can try and work it all out but to be honest he will find excuses for it all. And it's your gut that got you feeling something was wrong in the first place.

I wished i listened to mine at the beginning instead of being drove crazy with doubts.

[BluebellForest836]

You know he’s active on it.
He’s changed his bio and he wasn’t on it a few months ago.
He popped up straight away as he was active recently.
Honestly... just dump him. It’s been 7 months

[XDownwiththissortofthingX]

Similar thing happened with me, except I was your boyfriend in my scenario.

I met my now partner on OLD. We'd met a few times, and after a couple of weeks I edited my profile. We met a few times more, decided we were exclusive, and I honestly gave no more thought to my OLD profile until a few months later when I realised I should probably delete and/or hibernate it.

I logged on to deactivate the account, only to find that the option to do so wasn't particularly easy to find. I gave up, meaning to come back to it later, but forgot.

Sure enough, a few days later my partner gets a message from a friend saying 'I saw Down active on OLD'.

Not Tinder, but it shows how someone can appear to be still active on OLD when in fact they are not and it's completely innocent. Still fishy that his profile has changed completely though. I only edited mine to clear up a few details etc, not completely change it.

[SadSausage44]

Thanks everyone. This has made me realise that I'm perhaps not ready for another serious relationship yet (thanks ex husband for really fucking me up and then when I'm not even with you you're still fucking me up).
I don't know if this bloke is willing or capable to cope with someone as wounded as I am. Even though I have been the most secure, non needy, giving him as much space as he needs, fun, chilled no drama gf for the past 7 months, reality is kicking in. I am all of the above but also deeply scarred. I've just shown a huge vulnerable side of myself and if that's too much for him to discuss and understand then I'm better off without him,no disrespect to him, he's perfectly entitled to say it's too much of a responsibility.

[toucancancan]

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions as lots of possibilities have been mentioned in the discussion. Do make sure you are rational and ask him what you need to.

[toucancancan]

What is the truth? Not what do other people think based on algorithms, what happened to them in their dating past, what he might or might not have done. You need to base you decisions on what the truth is.