Found bf on Tinder... please help

[SadSausage44]

Hi, I'm freaking out and could do with some tinder help. After a horrendous split with my ex husband that involved cheating, gaslighting etc and after some time alone I
met bf a few months ago on tinder, it has been amazing but recently I've just had a 'feeling' .... this morning I set up a tinder account just to see if he was still on there... I know, but I just had this gut feeling and wanted to reassure myself that not all men are cheating lying arseholes!!!
My bf was the first person to pop up....
He had also changed his bio on it...
He swears blind he deleted his account months ago and was last on it before xmas (we met late oct) but I thought if you'd been inactive on it you'd be at the bottom of the pile... not first up!
Can anyone advise? I know I thought I'd deleted my account but I was still getting messages and matches even though I'd taken the app off my phone which is what he claims he did, he offered to show me his phone but I was too distraught to look at it.

[NoMoreDickheads]

You can appear on tinder when you're not active

I think on all this dating apps, the more recently you've been on the more you show up to other viewers. At least on PoF, this can be seen because when you're frequently active you get a lot more msgs etc.

I don't know if this bloke is willing or capable to cope with someone as wounded as I am

Don't blame yourself for him trying to cheat, or for your gut feeling. I don't think there's anything wrong with you that you feel a probable cheater has been cheating. At the very least, as you've said, he was trying to chat to/meet other women months after you thought you'd both stopped that.

I've just shown a huge vulnerable side of myself and if that's too much for him to discuss and understand then I'm better off without him,no disrespect to him, he's perfectly entitled to say it's too much of a responsibility

You haven't done anything a lot of us wouldn't OP, or responded any way that a lot of us wouldn't.

As far as I know, I haven't been cheated on much in relationships, but I would still mistrust someone whose Tinder turned up so readily, or was trying to meet someone after I thought we were exclusive.

[luckiestgirl]

I don’t understand why you’re not just getting him to show you his account before you start catastrophising. It’s very simple to say “ok I jumped to conclusions, could you just log in and show me your recent messages/ most used apps” and he’ll show you. Or he won’t and he’s lying and then you can’t start saying all this stuff. But if I were you, I’d have just asked for proof first.

[ivykaty44]

OLD best thing to do when you decide to get exclusive is to edit your profile - now dating seriously but cuz company make it difficult to inactivate profile!

[NoMoreDickheads]

OLD best thing to do when you decide to get exclusive is to edit your profile - now dating seriously but cuz company make it difficult to inactivate profile!

Ivy- that's not what he did though. He admits to still being active on it when he altered it, and using it to try and attract women 2 months after he first dated OP.

[ivykaty44]

NoMoreDickheads

I know that’s not what happened here, it’s just others on the thread have been back onto accounts & had innocent issues, as it’s very hard to stop an account being active.

[MsDogLady]

OP, look at what you do know. He told me we were exclusively dating. And yet he was still on Tinder with an new, updated bio. He intentionally misled you. I wouldn’t minimize his lying. Honesty is not a priority for him.

[Chocolate123]

The fact you had a feeling something was up made you set up a profile. He turns up confirming what you thought. He changed his bio. How much more evidence do you need?

[FirstTimer861]

I definitely think you need to take a step back. Easier said than done, I know.

I met my boyfriend on Tinder, and he was actively using it whilst we were dating, pre the exclusive chat. As was I. I knew this as I could see his distance used to change.

Did he update his bio before or after you had the exclusivity convo? Because it's fair game up until this point imo.

Just please try and chill. Don't make any rash decisions. Sleep on it.

[FirstTimer861]

Also to add. Just because he wasn't on there a few months ago. Doesn't mean his bio wouldn't have been there. He just may not have been in your stack. I have a male friend on tinder and I never once came across him! Not even when I narrowed down all of my criteria.

[SadSausage44]

Thanks everyone. Think the worst thing about all of this is that he now knows I checked up on him. Fucking nightmare. Ffs. I've shown my hand. I'm fucked up. So not attractive. Aaargh.

[leolion81]

OP I really think you need to get a grip and I mean that in the nicest possible way. This is not your exes fault. He didn't cause this man to behave like this. Whatever shitty things he did and the damage he caused, he didn't cause this. You met a man on online dating, he is continuing to use online dating. As I said in my PP I've had this happen before and won't tolerate it. It happens a lot with OLD in my experience and as such I don't use OLD anymore.
You are still recovering from your past relationship and need to work on that and yourself before you consider dating again. I've been in an abusive relationship, it took time to get over. I don't blame him for current men's behaviour. It's entirely on them.
You can either brush this under the carpet or stand up for yourself and your morals and get rid. Either way if you're blaming your ex for this happening then you're not ready to date.
I mean this kindly. This is not your exes fault or more importantly your fault. It's a man you don't know well enough doing a shitty thing. Place the blame where it's due.

[MsDogLady]

To me, the worst thing is this man’s behavior. You have discovered vital information. If he had already established exclusivity with you, but then updated and changed his Tinder profile, this shows that he lied to and manipulated you. Is that not a dealbreaker for you?

[famousforwrongreason]

@leolion81 agreed.
Just because one bloke is a cunt doesn’t mean that all the arseholes who come afterwards can’t all be cunts too.
Don’t let your bad experience make all this your fault. It looks dodgy. Too many women give men the benefit of the doubt over stuff like this. Repeatedly.

[illclapwheniminpressed]

Op you made need more support but don't beat yourself up about it the truth is there are so good men out there but most are not.

And we should be aware of that. I have so far only met one decent man. I'm not even only talking about men I've dated, but men I've worked with and friends.

There's a huge about of this sort of ' harmless' cheating and being aware of it doesn't mean you have issues it means you are not going to accept it.

[theneighbourswindchime]

Don't make any decisions till you've seen the battery usage for tinder x