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Relationships

Found bf on Tinder... please help

65 replies

SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 09:32

Hi, I'm freaking out and could do with some tinder help. After a horrendous split with my ex husband that involved cheating, gaslighting etc and after some time alone I
met bf a few months ago on tinder, it has been amazing but recently I've just had a 'feeling' .... this morning I set up a tinder account just to see if he was still on there... I know, but I just had this gut feeling and wanted to reassure myself that not all men are cheating lying arseholes!!!
My bf was the first person to pop up....
He had also changed his bio on it...
He swears blind he deleted his account months ago and was last on it before xmas (we met late oct) but I thought if you'd been inactive on it you'd be at the bottom of the pile... not first up!
Can anyone advise? I know I thought I'd deleted my account but I was still getting messages and matches even though I'd taken the app off my phone which is what he claims he did, he offered to show me his phone but I was too distraught to look at it.

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theneighbourswindchime · 13/05/2020 23:25

Don't make any decisions till you've seen the battery usage for tinder x

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illclapwheniminpressed · 13/05/2020 23:12

Op you made need more support but don't beat yourself up about it the truth is there are so good men out there but most are not.

And we should be aware of that. I have so far only met one decent man. I'm not even only talking about men I've dated, but men I've worked with and friends.

There's a huge about of this sort of ' harmless' cheating and being aware of it doesn't mean you have issues it means you are not going to accept it.

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famousforwrongreason · 13/05/2020 20:23

@leolion81 agreed.
Just because one bloke is a cunt doesn’t mean that all the arseholes who come afterwards can’t all be cunts too.
Don’t let your bad experience make all this your fault. It looks dodgy. Too many women give men the benefit of the doubt over stuff like this. Repeatedly.

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MsDogLady · 13/05/2020 20:11

To me, the worst thing is this man’s behavior. You have discovered vital information. If he had already established exclusivity with you, but then updated and changed his Tinder profile, this shows that he lied to and manipulated you. Is that not a dealbreaker for you?

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leolion81 · 13/05/2020 19:29

OP I really think you need to get a grip and I mean that in the nicest possible way. This is not your exes fault. He didn't cause this man to behave like this. Whatever shitty things he did and the damage he caused, he didn't cause this. You met a man on online dating, he is continuing to use online dating. As I said in my PP I've had this happen before and won't tolerate it. It happens a lot with OLD in my experience and as such I don't use OLD anymore.
You are still recovering from your past relationship and need to work on that and yourself before you consider dating again. I've been in an abusive relationship, it took time to get over. I don't blame him for current men's behaviour. It's entirely on them.
You can either brush this under the carpet or stand up for yourself and your morals and get rid. Either way if you're blaming your ex for this happening then you're not ready to date.
I mean this kindly. This is not your exes fault or more importantly your fault. It's a man you don't know well enough doing a shitty thing. Place the blame where it's due.

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SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 19:24

Thanks everyone. Think the worst thing about all of this is that he now knows I checked up on him. Fucking nightmare. Ffs. I've shown my hand. I'm fucked up. So not attractive. Aaargh.

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FirstTimer861 · 13/05/2020 18:28

Also to add. Just because he wasn't on there a few months ago. Doesn't mean his bio wouldn't have been there. He just may not have been in your stack. I have a male friend on tinder and I never once came across him! Not even when I narrowed down all of my criteria.

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FirstTimer861 · 13/05/2020 18:25

I definitely think you need to take a step back. Easier said than done, I know.

I met my boyfriend on Tinder, and he was actively using it whilst we were dating, pre the exclusive chat. As was I. I knew this as I could see his distance used to change.

Did he update his bio before or after you had the exclusivity convo? Because it's fair game up until this point imo.

Just please try and chill. Don't make any rash decisions. Sleep on it.

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Chocolate123 · 13/05/2020 18:02

The fact you had a feeling something was up made you set up a profile. He turns up confirming what you thought. He changed his bio. How much more evidence do you need?

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MsDogLady · 13/05/2020 17:10

OP, look at what you do know. He told me we were exclusively dating. And yet he was still on Tinder with an new, updated bio. He intentionally misled you. I wouldn’t minimize his lying. Honesty is not a priority for him.

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ivykaty44 · 13/05/2020 15:58

NoMoreDickheads

I know that’s not what happened here, it’s just others on the thread have been back onto accounts & had innocent issues, as it’s very hard to stop an account being active.

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NoMoreDickheads · 13/05/2020 15:52

OLD best thing to do when you decide to get exclusive is to edit your profile - now dating seriously but cuz company make it difficult to inactivate profile!

Ivy- that's not what he did though. He admits to still being active on it when he altered it, and using it to try and attract women 2 months after he first dated OP.

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ivykaty44 · 13/05/2020 15:40

OLD best thing to do when you decide to get exclusive is to edit your profile - now dating seriously but cuz company make it difficult to inactivate profile!

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luckiestgirl · 13/05/2020 15:39

I don’t understand why you’re not just getting him to show you his account before you start catastrophising. It’s very simple to say “ok I jumped to conclusions, could you just log in and show me your recent messages/ most used apps” and he’ll show you. Or he won’t and he’s lying and then you can’t start saying all this stuff. But if I were you, I’d have just asked for proof first.

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NoMoreDickheads · 13/05/2020 15:29

You can appear on tinder when you're not active

I think on all this dating apps, the more recently you've been on the more you show up to other viewers. At least on PoF, this can be seen because when you're frequently active you get a lot more msgs etc.

I don't know if this bloke is willing or capable to cope with someone as wounded as I am

Don't blame yourself for him trying to cheat, or for your gut feeling. I don't think there's anything wrong with you that you feel a probable cheater has been cheating. At the very least, as you've said, he was trying to chat to/meet other women months after you thought you'd both stopped that.

I've just shown a huge vulnerable side of myself and if that's too much for him to discuss and understand then I'm better off without him,no disrespect to him, he's perfectly entitled to say it's too much of a responsibility

You haven't done anything a lot of us wouldn't OP, or responded any way that a lot of us wouldn't.

As far as I know, I haven't been cheated on much in relationships, but I would still mistrust someone whose Tinder turned up so readily, or was trying to meet someone after I thought we were exclusive.

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toucancancan · 13/05/2020 15:28

What is the truth? Not what do other people think based on algorithms, what happened to them in their dating past, what he might or might not have done. You need to base you decisions on what the truth is.

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toucancancan · 13/05/2020 15:26

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions as lots of possibilities have been mentioned in the discussion. Do make sure you are rational and ask him what you need to.

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SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 14:45

Thanks everyone. This has made me realise that I'm perhaps not ready for another serious relationship yet (thanks ex husband for really fucking me up and then when I'm not even with you you're still fucking me up).
I don't know if this bloke is willing or capable to cope with someone as wounded as I am. Even though I have been the most secure, non needy, giving him as much space as he needs, fun, chilled no drama gf for the past 7 months, reality is kicking in. I am all of the above but also deeply scarred. I've just shown a huge vulnerable side of myself and if that's too much for him to discuss and understand then I'm better off without him,no disrespect to him, he's perfectly entitled to say it's too much of a responsibility.

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XDownwiththissortofthingX · 13/05/2020 14:37

Similar thing happened with me, except I was your boyfriend in my scenario.

I met my now partner on OLD. We'd met a few times, and after a couple of weeks I edited my profile. We met a few times more, decided we were exclusive, and I honestly gave no more thought to my OLD profile until a few months later when I realised I should probably delete and/or hibernate it.

I logged on to deactivate the account, only to find that the option to do so wasn't particularly easy to find. I gave up, meaning to come back to it later, but forgot.

Sure enough, a few days later my partner gets a message from a friend saying 'I saw Down active on OLD'.

Not Tinder, but it shows how someone can appear to be still active on OLD when in fact they are not and it's completely innocent. Still fishy that his profile has changed completely though. I only edited mine to clear up a few details etc, not completely change it.

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BluebellForest836 · 13/05/2020 14:04

You know he’s active on it.
He’s changed his bio and he wasn’t on it a few months ago.
He popped up straight away as he was active recently.
Honestly... just dump him. It’s been 7 months

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illclapwheniminpressed · 13/05/2020 13:59

He would of pop up first because his phone number is linked to your phone which is linked to the app.
Were there new pictures?
Also if you delete an app you will still be on tinder, so you have to deactivate it then delete.
You can ask him to show you the app, App Store will also show if he recently download tinder again.

What numbers does he have on his blocked list?... this is also a big thing people don't check.

There's lots of was you can try and work it all out but to be honest he will find excuses for it all. And it's your gut that got you feeling something was wrong in the first place.

I wished i listened to mine at the beginning instead of being drove crazy with doubts.

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yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 13/05/2020 13:47

As people have said before on other threads if your ex was a 10/10 abuser, 5/10 is still not ok. I would stay single and learn to love yourself. It sounds cheesy but this guy is just another cheat and you'd be better off on your own and making yourself happy

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famousforwrongreason · 13/05/2020 13:24

I never checked on my ex the whole time we were together, even though I had plenty of opportunity. There were several signs early on but I blamed my anxiety and paranoia every time and he's a good talker.
I really wish I'd given in to my early on urges to snoop and then I wouldn't have ended up so hurt when I finally realised what a wanker he is.

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WhotheWhat · 13/05/2020 12:11

7 months is long enough to start to really know someone surely?
I'm such an idiot... I'm so fucked up from my ex I'm terrified I've been taken for a total mug


Dunno about that, but I'd say that 8 months (generous estimate) isn't long enough to know yourself after such a headfuck of a marriage. And if he's in the next room, you must living together already (lockdown or no). Sounds like you are still at the emotional mercy of other people..... xx

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ivykaty44 · 13/05/2020 11:58

the fact that this match was the first up, means that he is active on this app. if he hadn't used the app for 3/4 weeks his photographs would be at the bottom of the pile. This is how the app works

Someone up thread said logically why would he use the same app for dating and he'd use another one. Logic doesn't come into lying and cheating

sorry

but ditch

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