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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Annoyed about this - am I unreasonable?

104 replies

Gatorgator · 12/05/2020 22:54

Dh has worked from home (as usual) since the start of this and I’ve had the two dc all the time. I’ve not actually had any time away from them in 8 weeks. After work dh goes for a run or a walk on his own.
Now the golf course has reopened. He’s playing twice over the weekend. I’ve asked if I can meet a friend for a socially distant walk and leave the children here and apparently I can’t because I have ‘all the time’ in the week. I’ve pointed out the children are not supposed to come with me and I just want some adult conversation without being asked for something every two minutes but apparently the weekend is ‘family time’ unless it’s for golf. It’s really annoyed me. Basically if he can now golf at the weekend his life is back to normal as that’s a normal week for him. Working from home, golf all day on a Saturday.
Whereas I’ve not seen anyone for weeks and weeks apart from my children and him and not even him all that much.
I only wanted an hour. He’s gone off on one about it.

OP posts:
Dozer · 13/05/2020 07:54

If you’re a SAHM suggest changing this asap as (sadly) it’s v unwise to SAH with a partner with behaviours and attitudes like yours.

Dozer · 13/05/2020 07:55

His attitudes and behaviours will still be a massive problem if you WoH but you will be less financially vulnerable.

pippapegga · 13/05/2020 07:56

'I'm meeting my friend Saturday at 10am ☺'

If the above sentence causes an argument, LTB

tillytown · 13/05/2020 08:00

Why are you asking him if you can go? You are a adult, you can just leave when you want. Stop asking, tell him you are going out, if he tries to argue then you should really consider divorcing. Having to beg your partner for a break is ridiculous.
Do you want your kids thinking its normal for a woman to be controlled like this? What would you say to a friend if they came to you and said their partner wouldn't let them them leave the house by themself? Because by insisting you take the kids this is exactly what he is doing.
You deserve better than this.

locksmithg · 13/05/2020 08:02

This is not ok!

Tell him he can't go to golf on the weekend as it's 'family time' Hmm

When he comes back from golf arrange to meet your friend and just go ! You don't need to ask permission to get some exercise without your children.

Enjoy your distance walk Smile

HappyintheHills · 13/05/2020 08:02

Yes get out on Saturday morning
Meet friend
And try to stop asking

SallyWD · 13/05/2020 08:05

He is being very unreasonable and selfish. My DH would encourage me to go for my mental health.

annagale · 13/05/2020 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Gatorgator · 13/05/2020 08:09

The trouble is lockdown has suited him. He likes it. He knows where I am all the time.
I think he’s happy for me to go with the children because then he knows for sure I’m not meeting another man - which I’m not and he has no reason to think I am - but I suspect that’s his thought process. He’s been used to me being at home 24/7 for the last two months or if out for a walk then always with the children.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtains · 13/05/2020 08:11

He's abusive. It's called coercive control. He probably controls the money too in some way.

Original poster
Gatorgator · 13/05/2020 08:12

Basically lockdown has played into his hands.

OP posts:
Dozer · 13/05/2020 08:12

So he’s controlling/abusive. Sad

Sleepingboy · 13/05/2020 08:15

You haven't answered why you dont just go yourself. Surely you see that as an adult you dont have to ask another adults permission? What would happen if you just went? If the answer is detrimental to you then you need to have a big discussion about change in your relationship or it's over.

Doingitaloneandproud · 13/05/2020 08:15

He sounds incredibly controlling and abusive Sad I can see why lockdown has played into his hands, has he always been so controlling over you going out without him?

JamieLeeCurtains · 13/05/2020 08:16

You need help and support, OP. Are you safe to research a few resources online? To tell your friend what's going on?

PippaPegg · 13/05/2020 08:17

Shocking.

He lies in til noon - send the kids in at 9am and go out for a walk. I wouldn't even ask.

But it sounds like you have much bigger problems. Are you afraid he'll hit you?

Mylittlepony374 · 13/05/2020 08:22

If you have to ask to be "allowed" to go for a walk, you are in an abusive relationship. If he gets to say "no" to you going for a walk, and is angry you even asked, you are in an abusive relationship.
Please start really paying attention to all the ways he controls you. Really think about your kids living in such a relationship when they grow up. Think about your options.

LeopardPrintKnickers · 13/05/2020 08:23

Oh OP, just sending you love and strength right now. His behaviour is shocking: controlling, cruel, uncaring and that's just this particular example, I'm sure this isn't a one-off. He has his own set of rules, all of which work to his advantage and leave you doing all the work and being captive at home. You absolutely deserve better.

The question is what can you do about this long term? Do you have anywhere you can go? Family or friends that can support you when you decide enough is enough?

copycopypaste · 13/05/2020 08:24

He’s said no, it won’t be open for discussion now. He was angry I’d even asked

Come on OP, you are not the hired help, you're not an employee of his, he's not the boss of you! You are a human being ffs! You are his equal and have equal rights to him. He has no right to treat you so badly! I'm fuming on your behalf.

tinytemper66 · 13/05/2020 08:25

Just leave the house. Are you afraid of him? If not leave when you want.

Opaljewel · 13/05/2020 08:29

So what are you going to do about it op? Did you just post to vent or is this an actual turning point for you? Has he conditioned you to the point you daren't even stand up to him? Think about what you are teaching your children about relationships. You are one of their prime role models. Is this what you would imagine for them this life? If not then why is it okay for you?

If he isn't physically violent then you can feel safe to stand up to him. I know it's easier said than done but if you don't this will get harder and harder to challenge. I would also be making plans to leave. No way in hell would I let a man tell me what I can and can't do. You can do this you know you can!

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2020 08:34

Op I don’t understand, how did you get yourself into a situation where you need to ask permission to do things and then you comply with his decision?

This is a sign of an abusive relationship. Relationships are supposed to be equal having to ask permission then doing as you’re told is deeply disturbing as a dynamic.

I think you need to take a step back and look at where you are. You can’t live like this. You can’t teach your children this is normal relationships, it’s deeply damaging to have them witness this, where there mother has to ask permission to do basic things and does what their father says.

Bananalanacake · 13/05/2020 08:41

What time does he finish WFH, if it's 6pm say ' I'm going for a walk with Sarah at 6, the kids will be watching TV so just listen if they want anything' he can't say that's too much for him. Though sadly it sounds like you feel you need permission.

Cambionome · 13/05/2020 08:45

I agree with a pp that you can't live like this. This is not a normal relationship between equals. I know it's difficult but you are going to have to start thinking about leaving.

candycane222 · 13/05/2020 08:46

Ugh. This is very wrong. But you know that. Wishing you the very best on the journey to reclaim your own life.

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