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Original poster

Annoyed about this - am I unreasonable?

104 replies

Gatorgator · 12/05/2020 22:54

Dh has worked from home (as usual) since the start of this and I’ve had the two dc all the time. I’ve not actually had any time away from them in 8 weeks. After work dh goes for a run or a walk on his own.
Now the golf course has reopened. He’s playing twice over the weekend. I’ve asked if I can meet a friend for a socially distant walk and leave the children here and apparently I can’t because I have ‘all the time’ in the week. I’ve pointed out the children are not supposed to come with me and I just want some adult conversation without being asked for something every two minutes but apparently the weekend is ‘family time’ unless it’s for golf. It’s really annoyed me. Basically if he can now golf at the weekend his life is back to normal as that’s a normal week for him. Working from home, golf all day on a Saturday.
Whereas I’ve not seen anyone for weeks and weeks apart from my children and him and not even him all that much.
I only wanted an hour. He’s gone off on one about it.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 12/05/2020 23:36

He’s told you, you have time in the week.

Meet your friends, leave the kids with him.

timeisnotaline · 12/05/2020 23:46

You have all the time in the world to eat. Monday 9-11 id be out,& he can look after the kids. Then at 5pm I’d be off and he can do dinner and bath. Tuesday repeat. I’d tell him this is the new life we have until he thinks about how to make it fair.

timeisnotaline · 12/05/2020 23:48

World to eat?? In the week to go out! (I’m being sarcastic obviously)

Basically he’s a selfish arse and thinks you are the housekeeper nanny not a real person. If there’s any chance he can change it will only be if you say I’m a person too, if you make stupid statements expect consequences like wfh with your dc while I get some time on my own. And leave. Honestly that all sounds like a lot of hard work with a grumpy sulking man child if you do it. There’s a good chance you end up leaving anyway.

indemMUND · 12/05/2020 23:53

You don't ask, you tell. "I am going out at x time". They are his kids too and also his responsibility. If he's arsey, time it for when you know he is home. He can't reasonably object. Never mind man up, he needs to Dad up. He can move freely at will, so can you.

Stella8686 · 13/05/2020 00:28

God this annoys me to hell!

Don't ask, tell him and go.

What an arse!

What does he bring to your life?

You must be so convenient for him.

You are instrumental in him enjoying his leisure time. That should be reciprocated.

Sorry OP I know you've got a status quo going and he will use all his tricks to assure you that you have no free will.

This is one of the worst kinds of parents! (Him)

Family for the sake of it with none of the graft to deserve you all.

Original poster
Gatorgator · 13/05/2020 03:20

He’s said no, it won’t be open for discussion now. He was angry I’d even asked.

I am pissed off though. Especially as his ‘family time’ will involve not getting up until noon and then watching tv on the sofa.

OP posts:
CuppaZa · 13/05/2020 03:28

OP why are you continuing to let him be God? What do you mean ‘it won’t be up for discussion now’ ? Who says? Him? You’re not one of his kids. Meet your friend. Fuck him.

CuppaZa · 13/05/2020 03:28

Not many women would put up with him

PrimeraVez · 13/05/2020 03:48

A) Unless his job is single handedly developing the vaccine for COVID-18, your job is as important and hard as his. You are keeping his children fed, washed, healthy and entertained. And I’m guessing you do all the cooking and cleaning as well? (Including his sweaty golf stuff?)

B) As much as he sounds like an absolute dick, he’s only behaving like this because you allow him to do and this is the dynamic that has been allowed to develop. Don’t ask, just tell him. I’m not going to shout ‘leave him!’ because only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate but this isn’t a healthy dynamic and some people will never change.

PrimeraVez · 13/05/2020 03:48

Covid-19, obviously

hellywelly3 · 13/05/2020 03:54

Just get ready and shout bye as you head out the door. You are not there just to make his life easier.

fedupwithitallnow · 13/05/2020 06:55

Omg why are you accepting this, if Saturday is golf day for him, I’d be telling him Sunday is time for me, and telling not asking, as he’s not showing you that respect is he Angry for you

TwilightPeace · 13/05/2020 06:59

Wow, doesn’t sound like there is much love in the relationship. Has he always been like this? Ignorant of your feelings? And just wanting you there to make his life easier?

I couldn’t be with someone like that. What a complete selfish arsehole.

suggestionsplease1 · 13/05/2020 07:02

Leaving the weekend issue aside for the time being, is he saying he will look after the kids during the week? In which case arrange a couple of hours every weekday to do your own thing without them.

BiddyPop · 13/05/2020 07:03

Why not arrange to meet your friend early on Saturday when he's still in bed, like 10am, then he's on duty for family time with DCs.

SummerWhisper · 13/05/2020 07:04

The Freedom Programme is a common recommendation on here for a reason, as is speaking to Women's Aid or your local equivalent. He is enslaving you, to put it bluntly.

Ginger1982 · 13/05/2020 07:06

Why are you asking him? Why is he allowed to say no and that be the end to it? If you can go during the week does that mean he is willing to stop working for an hour to let you do that or is he expecting the kids to entertain themselves?

You need to put your foot down here.

Mothermusings11 · 13/05/2020 07:11

OP, my DP is one of these types. It's pretty awful. I posted here about it some months ago and the general advice was you do NOT need to ask to do anything. You are an adult. I started to just carry out my responsibilities with the kids during the day and then I would head off for my walk while they napped or after they went to bed for the night. Stopped asking, started doing. It works extremely well, I just pop my head round the door and say "off out now, I have my keys!". Watch him squirm because he knows he cannot chain somebody to the house to keep them there. It's bliss.

Oh but I'm also leaving him, of course. That's the icing on the cake.

LadyGAgain · 13/05/2020 07:14

I'd be re-evaluating my position in this "relationship". He is a total bastard.

LadyGAgain · 13/05/2020 07:18

Also, about half an hour before Sunday golf i would pop my head around the corner, shout bye and get out of there ALONE. No golf for him, just time with the kids on his own. When does he spend quality time with them without you?

surlycurly · 13/05/2020 07:27

I can assure you that this man will only ever suit himself and will never willingly give you your place as an equal. It's all a power dynamic. You're at home with the kids whilst he's the big important man making the money. In his head that gives him permission to be in charge. This is not a partnership- he's like your dad. I also suspect he'll control you in other ways... is he fair financially? Does he withdraw sex and affection to punish you? I was married to a man like this and by the time I started standing up to him he was furious too. He accused me of all sorts because the simple answer (that I'd had enough) couldn't be the real reason. He controlled me with money for years after I left him, and his done the same thing with his children. They now have no contact with him because everything has to be on his terms and frankly his terms are shit. You are being controlled. I suspect you're being controlled in more than one way. This man doesn't care about you. He's an owner, not a partner. You know this deep down. I don't think he's capable of loving anyone but himself. That could make for a rather shit future.

naturallydelicious · 13/05/2020 07:29

He sounds like a selfish pig . As everyone else has said , don't ask ! Just tell him you're going out to meet a friend . My situation is similar to yours . I've a 3 & 5 year old and husband working from home . As soon as he finishes work in the evenings he encourages me to get out for a walk and some alone time . Working from home and seeing what I do with the kids all day has gave him much more appreciation for all I do . He knows the mental workload is hard for me .

JudyCoolibar · 13/05/2020 07:44

Wake him early at the weekend and say brightly "Family time! The children are waiting for you play with them". And sabotage the TV so he can't slump in front of it.

And since he says you have the entire week to meet your friends, take him at his word and go out for at least a couple of hours leaving him in full charge of the children.

LittleCabbage · 13/05/2020 07:51

He’s said no, it won’t be open for discussion now. He was angry I’d even asked.

This is extremely controlling. Why does he get to decide what is and isn't discussed?

And being angry at you for asking things is another form of control. He is trying to stop you asking for things you need in the future.

What do you get out of this relationship? In your position, I would gradually start to become more independent (i.e. start working part time, or training - once coronavirus has eased of course), so that you can objectively consider whether you should stay with him in the long term.

JamieLeeCurtains · 13/05/2020 07:54

Are you scared of him, @Gatorgator? This is seriously not right.

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