Do I take him back for HIS mental health?

[lockedi]

Hey so back in January me and my partner of 12 years separated.
Partly because his low moods where draining me, he was very impatient and snappy and although he was a good guy he did cheat on me in the beginning so that niggled me a bit too, also I couldn't see anything we had in common anymore so I called it quits.

I know all those reasons seemed justified but under all that I loved him and I still do.
I have always felt like he needed me to help with his mental heath problems, I've stopped him taking his own life several times. He has no one else in his life through his choice.

So basically with this lockdown going on I've been seeing him when the kids are being dropped off etc. And he calls me a lot asking if we can make it work and admittedly I say I don't know because I've told him straight before that I would only be saying yes out of guilt and that's not the right reason.

He wants me back so bad and has now taken time off work and had to call the crisis team because I won't tell him straight and it's making him suicidal. How can I tell him straight though? How can I when I feel like I have someone's life in my hands.

I love him so so much, but the relationship wasn't right but I can't have him take his own life because I won't take him back, he of course says that won't happen but if he's wanting to die now just because I won't be firm with him, what will it do if I say.. well no I don't want to get back together.

I am so scared and feel like I should just bring him home for his own mental health and plod along for the next 50 years until we die.
I also don't want to lose him as a person either because I do love him.. I just don't think I want to be in a relationship.
I feel like a terrible person writing this x

Of COURSE not. That's insane. You're dropping your kids to him when you believe he's suicidal? Is that wise?

No, that’s ridiculous.

Gosh he really knows how to get what he wants from you!

You don't want to be a 1:1 MH nurse... That is your right. If he wants to start paying you 30k a year maybe then you can talk.

You dont have his life in your hands - you never have and never will. His life resides permanently in his hands only. He knows that, which is why he uses his suicide threats as a weapon to bring you to heel.

You know you cant expose the kids to this. You know you're not helping him by hanging around giving him hope that you will crack in the end.

What steps can you take to get away from this person so that he can stop threatening you like this?

His life isn't in your hands. He's a grown man capable of making his own decisions. There is help available out there for him.

I suggest you do as he says and be firm with him and say you just want to co-parent but nothing more will ever happen.

Absolutely not. He is manipulating you with threats of suicide to wriggle his way back in, trying to make you feel responsible for his issues. Don't you see that? Taking him back would be the biggest mistake of your life. You need to stop all communication with him.

He's manipulating you. And I agree with CodenameVillanelle I'd be concerned about leaving the children with him.

Well no, you don't take him back. He needs professional help, not you. I don't know why you imagine that being nice to him, or giving him what he wants will improve his medical condition? He needs professional help.

If you want to be a nurse then go and train and work in a hospital. Your home is where you would go afterwards to relax and live with a partner who is your equal and who is your soul mate, not another patient.

Incidentally, if he EVER threatens suicide, then your only role is to immediately call an ambulance to his house. That is what any normal, concerned person would do. Stop being sucked into this co-dependant weirdness where you imagine that loving someone equals being their saviour. You need to find your self respect and your sense of self worth.

No no no.

His life is NOT in your hands. It is in his hands.

He does not love you. If he did he would not ask you to live an unhappy life.

If you genuinely believe him to be suicidal why are you letting him be in sole charge of your children?

He is a terrible person: for cheating on you, for using you, for pestering you like this. How fucking dare he.

Tell him straight in a simple message. Again. You said you already told him but tell him again. If he threatens suicide call the police who will send someone out to check on him.

If he attempted suicide while with you in the past then that is a massive signal that you are not good for his mental health (not that that should be a deciding factor anyway).

For what it's worth I do not leave the kids with him when he is talking about suicide.
He says he doesn't tell me half of what he actually thinks and feels because I would say he is manipulating me.
He is being very pressuring, I have told him I'm nicer ways, no I just want to be friends, no because if I had you back it would be for you, not me.

I'm obviously not making myself very clear, to avoid hurting his feelings even more. I just don't want anything to happen to him because of course I still love him.

You have a very unhealthy relationship dynamic whereby he knows what buttons to press and he keeps pressing them until he gets what he wants.

If you do not want to be the role model for being emotionally manipulated by your H, then don’t.

His mental health should not be at the expense of your own.

The rest of your life is a long time to regret your decision and for him to emotionally blackmail you.

What he does with the rest of his life and what he does to find happiness is up to him.

Love should be easy. This doesn’t sound easy

OP, don't take him back. His MH issues are not your responsibility, they are his.

My ex had depression when I left (due to abuse) and he made several attempst to manipulate me by claiming to be suicidal. I refused to be drawn in, and called 101 requesting a welfare check. The attempts stopped, but only after a final one that was aimed at our DD. I was beyond disgusted with him.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to let the DC be around him if he's not well and making threats of suicide. I suggest you tell him this, and if you do let the DC see him, get a third party to drop off/collect to reduce the guilt tripping he's giving you.

You will have to be firm in saying you can't resume the relationship. Make it clear you won't be going back. Don't ignore your own MH and wellbeing, you are important too.

And if he has something happen to him at his own hand, then that is on him. It isn’t on you. X

He doesn't care what you want, if you take him back for him and you spend the next 50 years miserable he will be fine with that.
Any choice he makes is his, he's said he wants a clear answer so say ,'no, this relationship is fully over now and forever'. Don't give him any bargaining power, it just prolongs the agony for everyone.

He is highly manipulative. And,through your unassertive responses, you continue to enable him.

You must be firm with him and make it absolutely clear that there is no chance whatsoever that you would ever get back with him.

Talk to your GP about his threats of suicide and your concern about the safety of your children. I would not leave them with him.

Next time he threatens suicide, call 999.

I just don't want anything to happen to him because of course I still love him.

I think you've convinced yourself that you're supposed to still love him due to massively misplaced guilt. What's to love about him? He's emotionally abusive, he's a cheater, he has made a career out of manipulating you to serve his own needs. He has no respect for you, no consideration for your needs and feelings. That's a man you love "so so much?" It's time to raise your standards.

Has he been given medication by the doctor and isnt taking it?

You need to understand that his health and well-being is not your responsibility and then you need to be crystal clear with him that it is over and that your mind is fully made up. No more “if it were to happen...”

I think you need to take a massive step back and detach.

No. It is not your job to fix him.

Thanks guys, you have made me feel a bit stronger, I live in his area my family are miles away and during this lockdown I feel so lonely and I think my emotions are getting the best of me as he is the only person I have actually seen in weeks.
He's been on several meds over the years, but nothing appears to work.
He has changed himself apparently since we split for me i.e not smoking weed anymore. He wanted to prove that we could make it work but it feels more like a massive guilt trip, in which I am apparently keeping him hanging. I will be more firm.

How old are the children?

Oh of course he was a weed smoker
Don't fall for it. It's all bollocks. You couldn't fix his mental health when you were together could you??

For what it's worth I do not leave the kids with him when he is talking about suicide.
He says he doesn't tell me half of what he actually thinks and feels because I would say he is manipulating me.

He has admitted he has many more suicidal feelings than he tells you about.

Even when not suicidal he's a recovering addict with severe emotional problems. Like fuck I'd drop my kids off at his place. Why do you think that is a risk worth taking? It is a surprising choice. It's one of those "How would I feel explaining this choice in court?"

He has changed himself apparently since we split for me i.e not smoking weed anymore.

"Apparently." Right. Please, op, stop believing this utter bullshit. He hasn't changed one bit.

@torktorkbam that's actually a good question and I think the only reason for it, is that it's always been the same, he's always had mental health problems, and I suppose it's almost as though it's part of his personality now. Don't get me wrong he is happy too, which usually follows by a period of depression, but I have never looked at it like that before.