Do I take him back for HIS mental health?

[lockedi]

Hey so back in January me and my partner of 12 years separated.
Partly because his low moods where draining me, he was very impatient and snappy and although he was a good guy he did cheat on me in the beginning so that niggled me a bit too, also I couldn't see anything we had in common anymore so I called it quits.

I know all those reasons seemed justified but under all that I loved him and I still do.
I have always felt like he needed me to help with his mental heath problems, I've stopped him taking his own life several times. He has no one else in his life through his choice.

So basically with this lockdown going on I've been seeing him when the kids are being dropped off etc. And he calls me a lot asking if we can make it work and admittedly I say I don't know because I've told him straight before that I would only be saying yes out of guilt and that's not the right reason.

He wants me back so bad and has now taken time off work and had to call the crisis team because I won't tell him straight and it's making him suicidal. How can I tell him straight though? How can I when I feel like I have someone's life in my hands.

I love him so so much, but the relationship wasn't right but I can't have him take his own life because I won't take him back, he of course says that won't happen but if he's wanting to die now just because I won't be firm with him, what will it do if I say.. well no I don't want to get back together.

I am so scared and feel like I should just bring him home for his own mental health and plod along for the next 50 years until we die.
I also don't want to lose him as a person either because I do love him.. I just don't think I want to be in a relationship.
I feel like a terrible person writing this x

Maybe a useful read. breakthesilencedv.org/suicide-as-emotional-abuse-threats-suicide-control/

Also if you google; Facebook suicide threats domestic violence - you'll find lots of other women who have sadly experienced the same as you. Might be a way to connect to people, getting less isolated will give you the strength to make clearer decisions.

I would step back and look at him as having a severe contagious chronic illness which needs a professional multidisciplinary team in place to manage and requires his full engagement and commitment to the whole process.

The contagious element is critical to the well being of you and your DC. Currently in their childhood they have been exposed to the toxic behaviours of an addict parent and his accompanying erratic and dysfunctional MH episodes.

They will have experienced significant emotional injury already even if you are unable to see this yet.

They have sensed, seen, heard and then absorbed and internalised the fear and chaos - and this stress will come through in behaviours of anxiety and aggression when they are younger and could develop into their own full blown MH issues as they are older.

To date their mother has been distracted and preoccupied with their father’s addiction/MH antics - so isn't emotionally available for them either.

You have given your DC the biggest gift by getting him out of your home. You need to prioritise the repair of their emotional deprivation over and above any misplaced loyalties with their Dad.

Emotionally disconnect from him so that your can reconnect more deeply with your DC. Detach, sign post to professionals and family/friends ONCE and then turn your back to protect and nurture your DCs. Because they need it right now and will need building up emotionally as no doubt his MH will continue to decline and they will have to witness that.

Get some help for yourself to understand how to address your co-dependency because this is not serving your DCs well.

I have close personal experience of your situation - the whole MH / weed / suicidal mess. One had a total breakdown and was sectioned for 2 years, another took his own life. Both destroyed their DCs along the way.

Your kids need so much active emotional support, repair and development. Put your energy there.

No, no, no, no and no again.

He says he doesn't tell me half of what he actually thinks and feels because I would say he is manipulating me.

And by saying that, he's manipulating you! He's deliberately trying to make you feel guilty.

He is being very pressuring, I have told him I'm nicer ways, no I just want to be friends, no because if I had you back it would be for you, not me.

He's accusing you of not 'telling him straight' but it sounds like you've been pretty straightforward to me. He's choosing to ignore this and is trying to guilt-trip you into taking him back.

His mental health is his responsibility, not yours. The next time he starts up with this shit, tell him:

I'm glad you are getting help and that you've made progress by not smoking weed, but I don't want a relationship with you any more. That won't change. The only reason we are still in contact is because we need to co-parent our children. From now on I will only be responding to communication which is about the children and their best interests.

Rinse and repeat. Stop engaging with him, stop responding to his threats and sob storied, stop allowing him to bully you. He has to take responsibility for his own mental health, and if he's engaged with the crisis team then he needs to work with them.

You need some backing. I suggest you contact his mental health team, and contact MIND to ask for a recommendation for a helpline for people in your position. Explain the situation, and that you are going to have to give him the news that he doesn't want to hear.

His mental health team won't be able to discuss him with you, but you'll have given them a heads up and they can check in on him.
Someone on the end of a helpline will be able to help you deal with doing what you have to do.

You need to maybe rethink your stance on being friends. He is not your friend. He is not capable of friendship. Normal rules don’t apply with addicts - he is manipulative and abusive.

Your involvement is inadvertently stopping him taking sole responsibility for his MH and engaging fully in recovery.

I would put in a very clear new boundary - tell him that you need space and distance - and the only communication you will have with him is around access arrangements which are set in stone for months ahead and this will only be on email which you will look at once a week at a set time/date.

You need mental breathing space so that he doesn’t drain your finite emotional energy as you need to conserve and reserve this for your DCs.

Agree with santaclara to contact his GP / professionals to give them the heads up and support you in disconnecting.

@lockedi
Currently in a similar situation but 2 years down the line.

My ex husband has suffered with his mental health all his life and it was usually well managed unless he needed to manipulate me.
We had an emotionally abusive marriage peppered with numerous emotional affairs 'because he needed an ego boost from these women but I was never going to leave for you any of them' aka 'I wish you would just put up and shut up'

I kicked my ex out 2 years ago and he thought it was not real and I was just punishing him and would have him back eventually (because he knew how easy I was to manipulate), well 2 years on we are divorced and now are not even friends or co-parents.

My ex kept threatening suicide and a few times attempted it but it was also me he told so I would go running like the dutiful wife and ring 999 and then he would be discharged.
This went on a few times until I realised he was manipulating me and every time I went running it cemented in his kind I cared and would get back with him.
He never took enough tablets to kill himself or hung himself with the right equipment, he knew what he was doing because behind his house is a railway line, one train and he could have been dead.

I got wise to this eventually and stopped responding, if he told me he was suicidal my stock response was 'ring the samaritans', if he told me he had overdosed I told him to ring 999.

The manipulation only ended when I blocked him on everything but email as any conversations went round in circles about why our marriage ended, how good he thought our marriage was etc and it didnt do my mental health any good.

When he found out I'd met someone else he stalked and harassed me, took stuff from my house, put a tracker in my car and slashed the new blokes van tyre.

I cannot be friends with someone who behaves like that and so we are very low contact and he hasnt seen DD (17) properly for months as I dont feel she is safe with him and cant risk it plus he is not really bothering with her anyway.

Please do not go back, just because you feel sorry for him.
I feel sorry for my ex, his initial mental health problems were linked to the death of his father at a young age but his ongoing mental health issues were not helped by the fact he didnt help himself- he didnt eat properly, he didnt take his meds unless reminded, he took no exercise and spent his whole time asleep plus he loved the 'woe is me' for sympathy.

Dont waste any more years with him

Thanks for all your messages, I have listened and taken them in.
Do not know why I was questioning myself yesterday, but I know I'm doing the right thing.
Thanks for confirming that.

I live in his area my family are miles away and during this lockdown I feel so lonely and I think my emotions are getting the best of me as he is the only person I have actually seen in weeks.

This is really important to address. You need to fill the void and vacuum of him proactively, with positive people, activities, experiences, distraction and self care. You need to nourish yourself emotionally so that you can have a stable full filling life with your DCs with hope and joy. He does not contribute to this lifestyle - he is destructive and manipulative. You and your DCs deserve better - they need protecting from him and he needs to be sidelined in their lives of you don’t want him and his behaviour to wound and define them.

No stay away. X

Nope!
My ex tried the suicide option. I couldn't get hold of him so went over to his house with my boys. We got there and my oldest was the only one to get into the house. He saw more than he should have.
To this day I regret ever going there.
Just call the police for a wellness check.

I spent a good few years running around after someone similar. Equally manipulative. Equally fond of using threats of suicide. I had a long discussion with their therapist. Who told me to disengage and protect myself.
So now I’m two years clear. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to call the police for a welfare check and direct them to the address on my chalkboard. Now I’ve stopped running, they’ve amazingly managed to stop threatening suicide.
I’ve got my life back.
Watch those kids though. You and your family don’t want to become yet another statistic when a manipulative male decides to exact his revenge on an ex and his kids.

I have recently left my husband. After many years of living with his depression and riding that rollercoaster I couldn’t do it anymore. Never knowing how long the good days would last, never knowing how long the down periods would be, being his entire support had taken its toll. It is bloody hard work because he took it very badly, threatened and attempted suicide, and blames me 100% for this. But you know what, I am not responsible for his mental health, I am not responsible for his actions, and I will not take his blame. He is an adult who needs to realise that he is his own responsibility. And while it seems strange to say having ended my marriage I feel lighter, happier and stronger than I ever have. I knew I had let myself get pushed down by trying to be there for him and hoping that one day it would all work out. I'm not willing to take that risk any more. Support your kids, look after yourself, and do what you need to do to make your life happy.