Do I take him back for HIS mental health?

[lockedi]

Hey so back in January me and my partner of 12 years separated.
Partly because his low moods where draining me, he was very impatient and snappy and although he was a good guy he did cheat on me in the beginning so that niggled me a bit too, also I couldn't see anything we had in common anymore so I called it quits.

I know all those reasons seemed justified but under all that I loved him and I still do.
I have always felt like he needed me to help with his mental heath problems, I've stopped him taking his own life several times. He has no one else in his life through his choice.

So basically with this lockdown going on I've been seeing him when the kids are being dropped off etc. And he calls me a lot asking if we can make it work and admittedly I say I don't know because I've told him straight before that I would only be saying yes out of guilt and that's not the right reason.

He wants me back so bad and has now taken time off work and had to call the crisis team because I won't tell him straight and it's making him suicidal. How can I tell him straight though? How can I when I feel like I have someone's life in my hands.

I love him so so much, but the relationship wasn't right but I can't have him take his own life because I won't take him back, he of course says that won't happen but if he's wanting to die now just because I won't be firm with him, what will it do if I say.. well no I don't want to get back together.

I am so scared and feel like I should just bring him home for his own mental health and plod along for the next 50 years until we die.
I also don't want to lose him as a person either because I do love him.. I just don't think I want to be in a relationship.
I feel like a terrible person writing this x

You are right it is part of his personality. Quite clearly given how long it has gone on.

That does not mean it is OK.

That does not mean it is OK for the children to have to be exposed to it.

It actually means the opposite.

I think you should reduce contact and just signpost him to mental health services any time he tries to guilt you with his MH issues. If you think he might hurt himself at any time, call an ambulance for him. But don't go rushing round yourself.

You're not responsible for his problems, you're not a therapist and a relationship is not a cure - ultimately his mental health is for him to work on and look after.

He's emotionally blackmailing you, which is not love, it's control.

Stop indulging him in this, don't try to be a friend when he wants something else, it's obviously not something he can deal with. You're not doing him any favours by entertaining him so much and letting him think he'll wear you down into taking him back.

Make sure you see other people now. Meet a mate for a walk or to go to the park with the children. As often as feasible.

Hell no! No-one should be someone's unpaid psychiatric nurse, at least long term. You also can't help him- professionals are trained to help him and they have that relationship with him. Being dealt with by services will help him get the help he needs long term to be as independent as possible.

My friend is in a manipulative relationship and when she finally left he pulled the suicide attempt on her. He has mental health issues and she went back for HIS mental health. Wrong move. He is now back to full manipulation and coercive control again. Firstly, leaving your children with anyone who takes drugs is wrong and add in suicidal tendencies you must stop all contact, get in touch with any authority to report this so you can have social services back up. Your children are at risk with someone with drug and mental health issues as severe as this. Do not take him back but be brave and be firm with your answer. You must state clearly that the relationship is over for good. Keep repeating this if he questions it again. It’s hard but you need to protect your children immediately and yourself.

I'm obviously not making myself very clear, to avoid hurting his feelings even more

OP, start thinking about YOUR feelings. In the relationship he cheated on you and brought you down with his moods, snapped at you, smoked weed, now he is pestering you, guilt tripping you, making you feel terrible - and here you are trying to avoid hurting his feelings.

You've put your time in with him, it didn't work out, don't let him guilt trip you into sacrificing a happy future.

because I would say he is manipulating me

Because he is. And knows he is.

He's not your problem to fix.

Probably worth giving input as a man with mental health for many years.

Is he medically verified as a danger to your children and refusing treatment?

I appreciate previous posters comments, however it is surprising how many amazing parents have mental health issues. It is not a reason to withdraw contact, and a court would cite the Equality Act 2010 at you. It is the equivalent nowadays to denying access because someone is in a wheelchair. You have to justify that you aren't discriminating or being spiteful (tough, laws a bitch).

On your relationship, if he isn't seeking treatment, then he isn't taking responsibility. He should seek treatment for his mental health as it's the responsible thing to do, and as part of that, he can opt in to sharing that with you.

If you wish to stay with him, you need to set some boundaries and follow through if those are broken, and the best way to do that is in coordination with his therapist. It acts as an incentive for him to get better and a therapist will support this.

If he is not genuine, you cannot do anything for him. I would suggest he makes the move as a responsible adult to get treatment first, and commits to it for a period of 6 months, before you consider any reconciliation. It must be his decision, or he won't make the changes and there are more success stories than negative, people just speak more about the negative ones

No, fuck him.

No!!!
What about your MH!

No No and thrice No.

Weed is a depressant and makes us paranoid.
You feel really responsible for him - but don’t put his needs above your own.
Have a look at CODA it maybe helpful.
You tell him it’s not working for you. Rinse and repeat.
He’s trying to draw you back.
Many of us have been there. They rarely change.

No way! Do not have him back! No no no!

Don’t get stuck in the victim/rescuer dynamic. Being the victim (him) and getting you to rescue him is a way of controlling you. He won’t have changed. Like PP said, if he’s not seeking treatment then he’s not taking responsibility. He wants all the responsibility to be yours. That’s unhealthy. And also means he can blame you if it goes wrong

He is manipulating you. You are not responsible for his mental health. He sounds awful.

One of two things is happening here:

1. He really is suicidal, he is having a really bad episode of what it sounds like is an ongoing mental health issue. If this is the case, nothing you do will change this. He needs serious support from professionals, maybe medicinal, maybe counselling, maybe a mixture of both. You are not qualified to provide this. This will not change if you go back.

1. He is using threats of suicide to guilt trip into you going back into a relationship with him. During which he cheated on you and smoked weed. You definitely shouldn't go back. It is abusive and manipulative and threatening suicide is a hugely controlling way of getting you to return to a relationship which you know is not good for you, or by the sounds of it your children.

I highly suspect that it is number 2, however, you can see that whichever it is, your going back will not change anything for the better.

What about your mental health?

It isn’t your job to make him happy. If he chooses to take his own life, that is on him. Not you. If he tells you that’s what he’s going to do, absolutely contact his family, gp or police but he is not your responsibility

I think you do need to be firmer and start saying no. You don't have to keep explaining your no. He's heard all your reasons and he's ignoring you because what you want doesn't matter to him. You've done really well to resist so far. If you give in now you'll be back at square one.

No, do not take him back under any circumstances, this highly manipulative man has indeed and will continue to play you like a fiddle here.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.
Read also about codependency and enabling behaviours; it looks like you've done both here to date. I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Dr Robin Norwood.

If his alleged problems are all around the fact you won't tell him straight that you cannot ever get together again, then you would be doing him a kindness by telling him straight. You can simply say you have thought it through very carefully and it is never going to work, so now he can move forward with his life on that basis.

The fact that he has never followed through remotely effectively on his threats of suicide speaks volumes. As people say, if he does it again, simply call the ambulance for him and leave him alone.

1. Weed CAUSES mental health issues e.g. paranoia, hearing voices.

1. Coming off weed CAUSES MH CRISIS e.g. psychosis, rage outbursts, erratic irrational behaviour.

He probably thinks he takes weed to help his MH. The opposite is happening. The weed is causing his MH problems.

Unfortunately you have not been living with a man for 12 years. You've been living with a drug.

You can turn your back on a man but never turn your back on a drug.

Your DC are not safe in the care of a drug.

Oh he's a weed smoker. Ime thats a synonym for selfish prick. Do yourself a big favour and stay away.

No, you don't take him back out of guilt. He is responsible for his own mental health. you are not. You do not subsume your needs and wants into his.

This is such an unhealthy dynamic OP. Google codependent relationships.

@AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff
"His mental health should not be at the expense of your own." Absolutely this.

No is a full sentence. Stop explaining and stop enabling him. I can almost guarantee that if you stop giving him the reaction he's after and send the police round a couple of times to do a "welfare check", the whole charade will stop.

In my opinion, if Crisis thought he was a true danger to himself, he would be brought in to be stabilised or at the very least have more professional input than you're suggesting he does. The fact that he and his history is known to them and he doesn't have more input is a bit telling if I'm honest.