Mum took overdose

[Lauren850]

My mum is a fiercely independent 91 yr old, living alone and isolated during lockdown. She had a bout of illness last weekend and decided to end her life by taking sleeping pills....only she woke up 12 hours later. She fell getting up but was able to call an ambulance a few hours later and is now recovering. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel - her attitude is that at her age and in not great health this was a completely rational and fair decision and her absolute right. The note she left for me and my brothers - which i retrieved yesterday while collecting stuff she needs - said this and to lie to everyone else especially grandchildren about the cause of death.
My teenagers both have mental health problems so she is absolutely right on this, right now I'm finding it hard to support them as normal with all this in my head.

Aw your poor mother. It must be an awful fearful time for her age group. The isolation, loneliness and fear of the unknown must be so stressful.

Best not to tell the grandchildren for sure. Just tell them she had a fall.

Im so sorry op All you can do is support her and try not to lecture or judge.

I def wouldn't lecture her but i do feel hurt that she did this. Suicide is a huge taboo and it's hard to even tell friends this has happened. She's making it sound so reasonable but it's not as of most people exit the world this way

I am so sorry to read this...

Although I haven't personally been in your position, I believe I will be within the next 10 years.

Both my grandparents are of the opinion they never want to go into a care home, and if they got to that point that they would choose to take their own lives.
I know my grandad is starting to stockpile medications due to a mix of health problems with both of them..

And...working in healthcare...I have to say I am of the same opinion for when I am older. I only hope that there are better routes when I get to that point in life, such as there are in Switzerland.

OP I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this, and that your mum felt that suicide was her best/most rational option.

I have no practical advice but I think you might need to allow yourself to be upset & angry (a close friend you can confide in?) in order to function properly for everyone else. for you.

Thank you holrosea, this has been much more upsetting than i would have imagined. I just looked up the figures and its only 1 in 20,000 women of her age who commit suicide so it seems like an absolutely massive statement. The social worker who rang earlier asked me if i had a happy childhood - i didn't but a bit like this situation, it's not that easy to explain the difficulties. I do feel there's a link though, between the past and now.

I respect her choice. She sounds in sound mind tbh.

Does she express regret in not succeeding or plans to try again ?

I am very pro this kind of choice though in the right circumstances though accept what those circumstances are are very subjective and individual

I’m sorry for you OP

I do respect her choice though

She’s in hospital now is she? Are you allowed to see her?

Will it help if you visit her at home now? I am terrified of the police but surely in these circumstances she should be entitled to regular family visits as part of essential care.

Just thought of some practical advice, and it could help with what to say (or not say to your kids). I realise that your mum didn't succeed in her attempt so I apologise if this seems insensitive, but Cruze bereavement care have a site with useful links to help the people left behind by suicide: www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/traumatic-bereavement/suicide

I only mention it because although she is (thankfully) still with you, a suicide attempt can trigger many of the same emotions (anger, shock, guilt, concern over who/how to tell).

The Helping Hands link looks rater useful as it is a PDF with sections on how different family members might be affected & how you might talk to them about it.

Wow - sorry to hear that theoldtrout01876, how do you feel about your mum choosing to do this, if you dont mind me asking? And has it changed over time, since the initial shock?

Thanks for the info holrosea, that does lool v helpful. I think one of the main reasons I'm so upset is that both my daughters have been talking about suicide the past year and my mum knows this.
She's in a nursing home now and will hopefully stay a couple of weeks before going home...she's saying she wont try suicide again but im not sure that's true.

I think one of the main reasons I'm so upset is that both my daughters have been talking about suicide the past year and my mum knows this.

Which is why she told you to lie to them about her cause of deaths. Suicide due to teenaged depression is very, very different to suicide as informed choice for a nonagenarian in poor health. She knew that, but she also was concerned to protect her DGC from the knowledge. She sounds fabulous TBF.

It’s immensely difficult but she sounds very rational about it all. I appreciate it is hard for you, though. Maybe she felt that lockdown had removed her chance to talk to you about it?

I can't help feeling it's selfish. I can't help feeling that when i get to 91 i'll feel the same responsibility to keep going as i do now - mindful of the impact on others. I don't want to have to lie to my daughters about what's happened to granny and even now, sitting here with them this evening i feel extremely weird and uncomfortable with all this on my mind

I respect her choice too. She has a right to die that way if she chooses. Everyone does. We need to get over seeing death and suicide as taboo. It's a perfectly valid way to go. I understand you must be devastated. But its upto her.

And if your mum did this, yellowsubmarinedreans? This whole 'valid choice' / respect thing is absolute bollocks until you experience this yourself and see if you can still talk like that

You asked for opinions. If you don't like it don't make a thread.

And I think I'd be able to respect her, that she is an individual who isn't me and has her own thoughts about her own life.

Sorry I know it's hard but I think that she should have the right to make that decision at that age. What I can't rationalise is what age that right should kick in at but at 91 and in sound mind, I feel she she should have a choice about when she leaves this world

I think I would feel angry. I would have wanted my DM to have discussed it with me and told me how she was feeling. I know that sounds selfish but I honestly would have felt let down.
It must have been such a shock for you.

What's she going to do now? Surely she is at risk going back home again.

Nobody would be happy about that, but that wasn't what it seemed you were asking.

I only hope that there are better routes when I get to that point in life, such as there are in Switzerland

Thank god we don't. I don't know how you can even dream of calling this a "better route". Any waste of life is a terrible shame and I'm so glad your mum is still with you OP. If I were you I'd put seeing her above lockdown measures in this situation, she needs help.

My father has said that he will sort things out himself if he gets to a stage where he thinks it is appropriate. My sister and I agree that we support that decision.

Respect to your DM!
My DMIL has been praying for delivery these last three years. She's 95 and even if she were not a devout RC she is no longer in a position to decide for herself, as she moved into a care home last month.
I found a list of her collegues, fellow choir members, relatives, friends etc. most of them crossed out with the date of death written next to their names.
There is noone left for her, noone to share memories with - and to want her to stay alive (without hearing, little sight, impaired mobility) just because I (or DH) think she has to go on, because it would be painful for us if she didn't - seems cowardly and selfish on our part and I'll make sure to avoid this fate for me.

Thanks Pinkyy, i do feel like I've been given a big chance to do more for my mum, will def be ignoring lockdown from now on and visiting regularly.