Mum took overdose

[Lauren850]

My mum is a fiercely independent 91 yr old, living alone and isolated during lockdown. She had a bout of illness last weekend and decided to end her life by taking sleeping pills....only she woke up 12 hours later. She fell getting up but was able to call an ambulance a few hours later and is now recovering. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel - her attitude is that at her age and in not great health this was a completely rational and fair decision and her absolute right. The note she left for me and my brothers - which i retrieved yesterday while collecting stuff she needs - said this and to lie to everyone else especially grandchildren about the cause of death.
My teenagers both have mental health problems so she is absolutely right on this, right now I'm finding it hard to support them as normal with all this in my head.

It's actually more common to have mental illness as we grow older. So not unusual and not any more rational than at any other age.

Just to express sympathy and some degree of understanding what it's like. It's so hard when parents have mental troubles. After a lifetime of depression and anxiety my mum had expressed a wish to die for about the last 9 years and badgered me so relentlessly to get her painkillers when she was in the care home that in the end I did because I was fairly sure she wouldn't actually use them, because of being Catholic. But I would have felt so horrible if she had actually used anything even though I tend to agree that it's a rational choice in certain circumstances. The virus got her in the end and I hope she is at peace now.

Terralee thank you so much for what you said there - you summed up the thing that's been bothering me the most. Its the idea that suicide is a normal and rational option just because a person is old! This in itself seems incredibly ageist - just as you say, older people should have the same access to mental health care as everyone else and if they want to take their own life there's a high chance they're unwell.
Returning to my mum, she's having an absolute whale of a time at present, in the nursing home, and refers to herself as 'famous' because a bunch of different people are conferring about her care. I've literally not seen her this well, mentally, in 25 years. If she'd died - after making that 'rational' decision last week she'd have missed all this. It's a lot to think about.

Hi @Lauren850 my Nan lived on her own before she got sectioned & I believe that being lonely & bored despite our best efforts played a big part in her psychosis & paranoia.
She actually said she wanted to move to a Nursing Home but we never took her seriously.
Anyway she was put in an EMI Unit which on the whole she liked once the meds kicked in. She liked the attention of the carers, & although the other patients were confused she liked to watch what was going on.

She enjoyed the food too, which I believe was her downfall as sadly she developed aspiration pneumonia (common in dementia patients) & later died in hospital.

I've worked in a Residential Home for the elderly which had some residents with various MH problems such as Bipolar, Schizophrenia, Depression, Alcoholism & Dementia as well as the usual Strokes & general frailties. The residents with MH problems were otherwise healthy but had chosen to live there in their old age for the safety & enjoyed the company.

I've also cared for people of all ages in hospital who've attempted suicide with overdose, the vast majority regretted it as I think your mother has.

It may be worth considering various social activities & gentle hobbies to suggest to your mum, if not a residential home.
It depends on what your mum is like as a person... even before she developed dementia my nan could be a difficult person but some older ladies are nice & easy going!

Hope your mum continues to recover well.

So sorry to hear this OP. For what it's worth my Mum tried to kill herself in her mid 80s when she know that her health was deteriorating and she only had months left to live. She failed but it was so difficult to discuss with her because in many ways it was logical for her. She prized her independence - and facing loss of mobility and health, being cared for instead of independence was an awful prospect. If she couldn't be independent, then she didn't want to be here.
After the failed attempt, once she knew that only palliative care was available she simply stopped eating. She was already weakened and died about 7 days later rather than the months that the doctors anticipated. For her it was about taking control. Although it was hard at the time, she was determined that if she couldn't live her life as she chose, then she wouldn't carry on. I learnt to respect that decision even though it was hard to watch.

My dm attempted suicide when I was a teenager. She wasn't elderly, she was mentally unwell and deeply unhappy. I was angry with her for years though I tried not to show it. It isn't easy to talk to other people about either. Not because I find suicide a massive taboo subject, but I understand what you mean. I did tell a few people at the time, nobody knows what to say. It's awkward and uncomfortable and shocking. I can't imagine telling my dd about it, she wasn't born when it happened. Maybe I will one day. I can think about what happened now without getting angry but some of these replies are making me bristle a bit. It's just not that easy when somebody very close to you does this, unless you're a robot.

I didn't read the deleted posts but I don't think it's to hide suicide away, evidence has shown it is best to not mention methods directly, so I imagine it's something to do with that. It's to keep others safe.

And I do think there is something wrong with this attitude to be saying it's fine and rational for elderly people to do it.

Wow these last three posts are so moving, thank you all so much.

Terralee my mum and your nan have stuff in common i think! She was always difficult and now more so.

Same is true with your mum, truthis...
The fierce independence and unwillingness to bend on this. It must have been really hard on you in that last week.

Bluebobby I'm so sorry for what you went through - as a mum of teenage girls this brought tears to my eyes, thinking of how that would look through their eyes. I'm not surprised you felt angry and it's amazing you've managed to get away from that, must have taken a lot of work. What you said about the difficulty of telling people really helped me - I think anyone who says it's easy probably hasn't been in our situation.

Thank youLauren850
She had a great life and although her last months were hard, it was a great comfort to know that she lived as she chose and with the dignity that she wanted.
I have no wise words - this is very difficult territory. I do hope that you're able to have some helpful discussions with your Mum.