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Relationships

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Original poster

Small wedding help!!!

23 replies

NewMumma1819 · 10/05/2020 16:03

DP and I have been together 6 years, have a 5 month old DS and have been engaged for 2 years. As soon as we got engaged I went into semi bridezilla mode planning a big family wedding. Prior to being engaged I had always said (to the horror of DP's mum) I wanted to run away and get married. After a few months of planning, I started to doubt that I wanted a big wedding and then life happened and it kind of got put on the back burner. Que then getting pregnant with DS.

I have now, 2 years later, come to the conclusion I would like to have a ceremony of just parents, siblings, their children and grandparents. But here's the thing - I don't want any form of 'do' after, no drinks, no meals, no reception. Nothing. Literally get married and if people want to watch that they can but then we all part ways. There is some family friction between mine and DP's families which play into this idea but I just don't like the idea anyway. So I guess my question is - what would you think if you went to your childs/brothers /sisters wedding and you weren't being fed after? Oh, we will also make this very clear when people are asked. All opinions welcome

OP posts:

edwinbear · 10/05/2020 16:21

Honestly, I’d find it a bit of an anti climax to what should be a lovely day. However if there is tension between your families they will probably understand why and respect your wishes.

TheTigerQueen · 10/05/2020 16:26

Hmm, I would probably feel a bit disappointed but it's your day and you should do what makes you happy, I imagine you will get lots of pressure from parents to have a more traditional day as they will probably feel put out or take it personally . Suppose it depends if they have other adult DC who have given them a more traditional wedding, it probably softens the blow.
Could you leave the DC with a family member and head straight to a nice hotel for a meal and some alone time, that would make it special for the both of you.

merryhouse · 10/05/2020 16:43

I think I'd try to understand. But it's very likely that at least some of us would go for a drink and a pub meal afterwards, so - given that you say there is friction - you would have to ensure that nobody got any kind of impression that any of these gatherings were in any way an official Part Of Your Wedding.

To be frank, it might be easier if you said "and we'll all pop into the Royal Oak for a quick drink on us afterwards" (pick the right time of a weekday and there's bound to be a pub which is generally half-empty).

BacklashStarts · 10/05/2020 16:53

I’d at least want to do something v v low key - a drink in a pub, all go for a ‘pay for ourselves’ meal, cake and champagne in the garden. But if you were clear it was what you actually wanted id be totally fine with it.

HollowTalk · 10/05/2020 16:57

So are you planning to just go home and have egg on toast for dinner? Wouldn't you want to celebrate that afternoon and into the evening?

Couldn't you have a house party when you get home?

Original poster

NewMumma1819 · 10/05/2020 17:11

The Tiger Queen - my parents are fine and actually said they would completely understand if we eloped (my dad offered to pay !), DP's dad wouldn't honestly care he'd see it as our day our choice, would purely be his mum. And no, I'm the oldest in my family and there's only my brother (10 years younger) so no one really expects anything there and DP's siblings all have partners, children and are all engaged but none yet married. DP's mum has made it very clear that she doesn't understand eloping though. We would elop but we can't find the witnesses and don't much fancy chancing it on the day to ask someone random in the hope they will help out.

@merryhouse I understand just going for a quick drink but there would only be 22 of us all together and with the friction would literally be a clear divide in the room so would be very awkward for both me and partner.
@HollowTalk - a house party would again be pointless as no more people would be invited. And it's mainly me having the same name as partner and son that we want to get married, so myself, DP and DS would probably go from ceremony straight away for a few days somewhere nice as our own celebration.

OP posts:

CMOTDibbler · 10/05/2020 17:18

Just ask on MN for witnesses (it's been done many times before), and then you and your new DH go for a lovely lunch.

Original poster

NewMumma1819 · 10/05/2020 18:54

@TheTigerQueen - sorry it didn't tag you correctly.
@CMOTDibbler - we did speak about this before, I think it just puts us off incase they then didn't turn up and left us in a sticky situation. And not knowing them.

Obviously this is very unlikely to happen in the next year due to the current situation but just want it all planned and dates in mind so we can literally book it when they allow it.

Thanks everyone!

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BadgersAreReal · 10/05/2020 20:29

We eloped and also didn't have a "do" afterwards - not a meal or a house party or anything. It was our day and I am so pleased we did it the way we did. We got married because we wanted to be married, I'm not sure how buying other people dinner has become an expected part of the occasion.

Original poster

NewMumma1819 · 10/05/2020 20:42

@BadgersAreReal - this is what we have thought about most. It's probably the route we will go down. We know it's all about what we want etc and I think if we had a wedding with family/friends there we would both spend all day worrying about everyone else and not enjoying ourselves, even it was what said in my original post. Thank you. Did you go to a special venue? Or a registry office? Just out of curiosity.

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bowchicawowwow · 10/05/2020 21:25

I just wanted to sign the paperwork and get it over and done with too. Could you get away with a very late in the day wedding and then just invite everyone to the pub after for an optional quick drink? Make it sound very informal so that that those who don't want to hang around your DPs family can escape with no pressure?

bigchris · 10/05/2020 21:28

You don't need to elope

Just get married in your local register office with 2 witnesses , just choose 1 each , a friend or a relative

It doesn't have to be this hard!

Original poster

NewMumma1819 · 10/05/2020 22:02

@bowchicawowwow - that may be an option, would just be a case again of ensuring no snidey comments where made from either party but yes I just want to sign the papers and have the ring essentially.
@bigchris - we don't have reliable friends and asking 2 select relatives would cause SOOO much agro it wouldn't be worth getting married!

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firstimemamma · 10/05/2020 22:08

Our wedding is set to be like yours but we are feeding people afterwards - probably a restaurant.

venusandmars · 11/05/2020 07:41

Why don't you arrange your wedding as soon as permitted after lock down? I doubt that they'll be permitting the 'reception' part anyway. That way, you'll get what you want and your MIL can blame coronavirus for the lack of a big wedding.

Original poster

NewMumma1819 · 11/05/2020 09:29

@venusandmars - this is what we said, hopefully they say you are able to get married with only 2 witnesses present. We're just concerned about DS as he's breastfed at the moment and due to everything going on he doesn't really know/recognise anyone other than us so hopefully they will allow him in there too!

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Pasithea · 11/05/2020 09:35

We had thirteen people at our wedding and yes it was very stressful as my parents are divorced and fathers wife of one week was there. We had a meal in a small hotel Do it your way sod the rest. I have so many regrets.

Hoggleludo · 11/05/2020 09:43

I had a very small wedding. We had 12 guests. However we did have a very small reception after. With a sit down meal.

I wouldn't care if I went to a wedding with nothing after. Though I'd like to have a bit of a party with them at some point.

Hoggleludo · 11/05/2020 09:49

Can I just say

It took dh 10 years to convince me to get married. I really didn't want too

I was happy when he first proposed to have a wedding. I wanted it to me in the church I go too. But other than that. I had a dress for eBay. Which was lovely.

It was actually me. I went and tried on brides drssses and ended up with the most beautiful dress.

We really struggled to find somewhere that would sit us for a meal. Because we weren't getting married there. Not joking. We almost went to the beach after for fish and chips!!!!but finally we found the most majestic hotel. Oh. It was stunning.

It was me who changed my mind. My dh wound of been happy doing anything other than a huge wedding. He's been married before and he had 250 guests and a huge church wedding. He was only 20

Original poster

NewMumma1819 · 11/05/2020 10:22

@Pasithea - my parents are also divorced but get on amazingly thankfully. I'm thinking I might try to book it ASAP after the corona restrictions are lifted a bit.

@Hoggleludo - that's the answer I was hoping for! a sit down meal isn't really us. We don't like being the main attraction in family gatherings (especially me!).

I will still get my hair done hopefully, DP's friends sister is training to be a hairdresser so she would use me as practice. I have the dress and had it all altered prior to getting pregnant but there is no way i will ever fit again so a small wedding would mean not having to splurge on a second fancy dress/get this one altered again! And I can wear some sparkly trainers instead of heels as that's what everyone would expect me to wear. DP isn't really a suit wearer either, more of a smart jumper and jeans kinda guy so this would be less stress for him too.
Thanks everyone!
Any elopement stories are more than welcome!

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NoMorePoliticsPlease · 11/05/2020 10:24

I think its a lovely idea, well done for swerving the circus

BigMetalPebbles · 11/05/2020 10:40

I did wonder if having a big wedding cake made and presliced and bagged up would help - registry office then hand out the cake bags, five mins for group photos then flee?
With friction the last thing you want is alcohol (anyone who's seen a drunk relative going off on one at a wedding ...yeah).
Carbs and lots of space.
Picnic in a park or on a beach if you want a bit more...?

You could swear a couple of friends or colleagues to secrecy, nip down the registry office, not tell anyone* and then take your time pondering what to do about the family-official wedding (which could be some 'on a beach' thing to explain an earlier, unattended reg office visit).

Original poster

NewMumma1819 · 11/05/2020 10:49

@NoMorePoliticsPlease - thank you. A friend got married last year and said both her and her partner were jealous of what we had said we might do due to the family issues and stress it was causing! I think due to the issues she had she regretted spending so much too.

@BigMetalPebbles - that is a good idea!! that could be another option. I would like a cake (don't want to have to share too much though ) and I could possibly make it myself/commission my SIL to be to make it. I quite like those 'naked cakes' (I think they're called, with no icing on the outside) which would be easy enough to do with a few flowers attached. Hmmm all very promising ideas from everyone.

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