How tactful/accepting do I need to be here? Scruffy DP

[GinWeasley]

When I met my DP of five years, he would often dress quite smart. Infact, there were things I really loved about his style.

Since then, he's changed careers, worked from home, got poorer, then richer, then a bit poorer again. He's gained weight, lost weight and then put some back on again. He now couldn't care less about what he looks like.

I generally just let him get on with it. My pet hate, which he knows about, is his habit of wearing these big black work boots everywhere, laces untied, jeans tucked half in, half out. And not in a sexy rugged way. Just scruffy and naff.

He's always known I think they are horrible and scruffy but he will not countenance the idea of me telling him what to wear so wears them anyway. The more I complain, the more he wears them so I don't usually bother. I try and ignore them.

His body shape is long flat bum and unless he wears a belt, his trousers fall down really easily and you can see his bum crack.

Lately, he's put on a little weight so his tops and jeans aren't covering his bum and he seems to have given up on belts. If he bends even slightly his arse is on show. Often, he doesn't even need to bend down you can see it just when he's walking.

He's spent the whole of lockdown wearing these fucking boots with his arse hanging out and I've left him to get on with it.

The thing is, I'm due to give birth in a few weeks. I know it sounds like the least of my worries, but I dont him clod hopping about while I'm in labour at a hospital with big disgusting work boots and a protruding arse. I just want him to wear some normal shoes or trainers and a t-shirt that is long enough. If the truth be told, I just don't want to be embarrassed by him. After the baby is born I want to go on nice long walks together and not feel like cringing.

Today, I suggested we order him some new things and he's taken massive offence. He doesn't care I hate his boots. He insists you can't see his bum. But you can!!

I just said, I'm not trying to be shallow or bossy. And if he told me he hated something of mine so, so much, and there was valid reasons, I wouldn't want to be so stubborn. Id want him to think I looked nice sometimes.

Question is....

AIBU?
How much would you push the issue? Would you be that bothered? Should I just leave him to it?

Why did you decide to have a child with him?

It's a hard one because most people in a long term relationship would assume they can let initial grooming standards drop a bit at home, I certainly wouldn't want to be dressed up, wearing make up etc every day. I would also resent it quite a lot if my DH tried telling me I couldn't wear something I really liked - i.e. the boots.

You could try buying him gifts of different boots, similar style but a but smarter maybe. Same with the t shirts being too small, buy him some bigger ones. Or "accidentally" shrink them in the wash and then he'll have to buy new ones

You could have a heart to heart but you'd have to be prepared for him telling you there are things he doesn't like about the way you look too.

The boots I could live with but the arse baring not so much.
If his arse is genuinely visible then I think he needs to fucking grow up. It's not funny and the people having to see it will be repulsed. It's not a hardship to put a fucking belt on or wear a longer top if he finds belts uncomfortable.

do you think he reacted like that out of embarrassment?

Take secret pictures of his arse every time you see it. Confront him with a catalogue of evidence.

but I dont him clod hopping about while I'm in labour at a hospital with big disgusting work boots and a protruding arse.

Sorry but this phraseology / imagery made me spit out my tea laughing.....

Pick your battles. It’s the arse. It’s not up for discussion. Take a photo.

@itsnotcakeitsbaby I don't tell him he can't wear his boots. He's worn them lots for two years (they just won't die), when we are going somewhere pretty respectable I ask him sometimes if he can wear something else. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesnt.

And that's what I was offering to do - buy him some new ones. I just wanted him to choose some as I can't really go out and get him similar ones unless I find a local Builders Are Us. They are literally builders standard issue boots. That he wears a lot - to meals and parties if he can.

I think if I ordered boots and t-shirts now he wouldn't wear them on principal. The bum thing TBH is the one that upsets me most. I stand behind him sometimes in certain circumstances to provide additional modesty. He thinks because he can't feel a gust of air its not on show. But it is. Maybe I will have to take pictures

I meant to say, although I don't tell him he cant wear them, I have made my feelings about them clear obviously. And I have asked him to give them up. I would never presume that I could TELL him though. He wears them plenty of times without remark

Sounds repulsive.

Tell him you can’t concentrate on birth while his bum is visible and embarrassing the mid wives. Say if he can’t dress tidily just once for something so important, then you’ll cope on your own thanks.

You sound odd.

@Mintjulia I almost said that in frustration. Maybe it would do the trick though

I won't go out if DH wears is trackie bottoms, he got very overweight and they are too short from him and they just reek of not having and self pride!

You are not unreasonable at all re the crack out! Gross.

I would also sadly resort to taking a picture and saying darling it's not personal but no one likes to see anyone's crack out!

I am amused by the bait and switch idea of going from someone who made an effort to the absolute opposite. I wonder why.

@BillieEilish probably am

@friendsofmine he went from a long employment in a job with a strict dress code to self employment - and he loved the change in wardrobe. Then we started prioritising spending money on house and business etc. He just doesn't see clothes or things as important anymore. Which is great. I just really want a basic standard to remain though.

I think it shows a lack of respect for a partner if someone doesn't care what they look like and makes no effort.

Surely we want our partners to find us attractive?
Or we don't care?

@RandomMess self pride yes

Ah I see. More of a change having to make an effort and now not really bothering.

I agree it is about self respect as well as a desire to be what Esther Perel calls an erotic companion for life.

@babyitsawildworld - I agree, although I do see how people shouldn't try and dictate to or change partners etc.

When he said he didn't give a shit what I thought, I said, I get that and if I was always nagging him I'd see his point but if he disliked something so much but had still put up with it for a couple of years, I'd give it up because Id want him to think I looked nice

I don't think you sound odd.

I do think that he sounds like a slob. If I saw a bloke stumbling around with his arse crack hanging out, I'd find that quite repulsive actually. I would also pity his wife.

I can tell you that although this is riling you up now, just wait until you have the baby. You won't be able to hold in the rage then.

When he said he didn't give a shit what I thought,

Do you get the impression he doesn’t give a shit what you think in general?

That’s quite a contemptuous and disrespectful stance to take with your heavily pregnant partner.

You could start showing your butt crack round the house and find some hideous slob clothes and see if he notices or says anything.
Or you can do what I do and point blank refuse to attend an event if he is dressed like that.
My DP can be smart but he is a bit clueless so he will not think about wearing your nicer smarter t shirts and jumpers for socialising and keeping the older ones for gardening and dog walking - unless it is a posh do.
He used to go out in joggers and to me the limit for those is an early morning dash to the local shop for milk, whereas he would do a big shop in them or maybe see a friend. I would reserve them for sick days and shit the postman is knocking type wear.

he said he didn't give a shit what I thought

This is the nub of the problem isn’t it? If he gave a shit what you thought he wouldn’t dress like a knuckle-dragging slob.

@gutterton no, he is just extremely defensive sometimes. And stubborn. I'd say they are his faults.

But he's actually very considerate and caring towards me and trying to look out for me as best he can. He's also generally lovely and he's handsome too. Just getting scruffier and if I'm entirely honest, slightly more unhygienic as time goes on.