How tactful/accepting do I need to be here? Scruffy DP

[GinWeasley]

When I met my DP of five years, he would often dress quite smart. Infact, there were things I really loved about his style.

Since then, he's changed careers, worked from home, got poorer, then richer, then a bit poorer again. He's gained weight, lost weight and then put some back on again. He now couldn't care less about what he looks like.

I generally just let him get on with it. My pet hate, which he knows about, is his habit of wearing these big black work boots everywhere, laces untied, jeans tucked half in, half out. And not in a sexy rugged way. Just scruffy and naff.

He's always known I think they are horrible and scruffy but he will not countenance the idea of me telling him what to wear so wears them anyway. The more I complain, the more he wears them so I don't usually bother. I try and ignore them.

His body shape is long flat bum and unless he wears a belt, his trousers fall down really easily and you can see his bum crack.

Lately, he's put on a little weight so his tops and jeans aren't covering his bum and he seems to have given up on belts. If he bends even slightly his arse is on show. Often, he doesn't even need to bend down you can see it just when he's walking.

He's spent the whole of lockdown wearing these fucking boots with his arse hanging out and I've left him to get on with it.

The thing is, I'm due to give birth in a few weeks. I know it sounds like the least of my worries, but I dont him clod hopping about while I'm in labour at a hospital with big disgusting work boots and a protruding arse. I just want him to wear some normal shoes or trainers and a t-shirt that is long enough. If the truth be told, I just don't want to be embarrassed by him. After the baby is born I want to go on nice long walks together and not feel like cringing.

Today, I suggested we order him some new things and he's taken massive offence. He doesn't care I hate his boots. He insists you can't see his bum. But you can!!

I just said, I'm not trying to be shallow or bossy. And if he told me he hated something of mine so, so much, and there was valid reasons, I wouldn't want to be so stubborn. Id want him to think I looked nice sometimes.

Question is....

AIBU?
How much would you push the issue? Would you be that bothered? Should I just leave him to it?

Tell him his builder's bum repulses you.

Take secret pictures of his arse every time you see it. Confront him with a catalogue of evidence.

^^ I like @DarylDixonsHair's advice, he can't deny photographic evidence!

He does need to make more of an effort, bum cracks aren't acceptable. I'd work on getting that covered up (by taking photos) and perhaps not bother about the boots. Personally, I find a degree of scruffiness (aside from bum cracks) preferable to vanity.

It sounds as if he found the switch from a strict dress code to casual liberating and tbh, spending money on house and business isn't really a bad thing. Aside from being scruffy, is he otherwise the partner you want (kind, loving, etc.)

My DH tends to be scruffy on his days off, but there's an amazing brain and heart behind the frayed jeans and faded T-shirt.

God a man arse crack is the most repulsive thing. Yukk. It puts me off someone immediately so I don’t blame you for wanting him to cover himself up. Would he be ok if you went to Tesco with your nipples hanging out?

I’m not fussy about general scruffiness (I think my DP is scruffy in a sexy way tho) but I draw the line at butt cracks. I agree with pp, take photos for evidence!

What size feet? I am size 11 and any kind of boot is just massive and clod hopping. Trainers also.

Always manage to have trousers that fit though.

Does he wear the boots inside? Just I've hardly had shoes on in lockdown.

I think the bum thing is a kind of male stubbornness and arrogance. Like he thinks his comfort and preferences are more important than others. Most people don't want to see a man's arse crack when in puic. And I'm very much not on the body shaming crew. Just feels like men think they can expose their arses to the world when women are shamed for having upper arm fat on show! I know this is a particularly feminist take on it but I would not view a man positively who felt he was entitled to show his arse crack to the world. Just feels like these guys are often arrogant.

This take on it aside, I understand why you are embarrassed as it feels like a lack of respect for himself and others. I think asking for a certain standard outside of the home is acceptable. If he can't agree then you need to think about how important it it to you.

I think you're being completely reasonable! It's called self respect and pride. Same as it's not attractive for a woman to be slobbing round in trackers with her arse hanging out. It shows a lack of self-care and respect for you if he knows it bothers you. You should want to look nice for your other half surely?! I can't understand when people let themselves go completely and still expect their other halves to fancy them😯

I simply cannot understand how men can’t be aware of the fact that they are showing their hairy arses! Surely they can feel the cold air, or that their trousers aren’t sitting where they should be. It’s vile.

OP I would focus on that one thing. Don’t be sneaky.Just tell him the next time you see his arse out you will take a photo so he can see what you are having to see. He’s not a bloody baboon!

OP, he doesn't give a shit what you think?

Wow!

Not a great start to family life.

The boots are one thing.

The bum being exposed is so vulgar and tacky that I couldn't be with someone who was so disgusting.

Jesus.

I would be mortified at him turning up at the hospital in that condition.

Definitely take photos, but honestly a bum on show like that would, how on earth did you get pregnant!

Best of luck.

It is a tough problem to tackle tactfully.
You mention his personal hygiene is gradually sliding.

That is an area you could tackle easily. A very normal, "I would love a snog but your bristles are giving me a rash."
If he leans in for a kiss, jerk your head back and say, "Ew, I think you forgot to brush your teeth this morning babe."

Change his anti-perspirant to a Sure Maximum and if he moans, say, "Well darling, I noticed you have been a bit whiffy since the sun has been out, and I didn't want to say anything. So I just got something a bit stronger for the summer."
Is he trying to test you? A sort of, do you still love him no matter what job he does? Is he pushing you to say you don't care about him as much now he has gained a little weight?

'The boots' seem to have evolved into some sort of symbolic meaning for him. They have a 'hill he would die on' significance for him. You know him better than anyone. Can you work out what they mean? Are they now a 'badge' of his identity in life? His wearing them proves something to him. We have all done it. I wore short skirts and dyed my hair as a teen. The opposite of my prudish(decent) disapproving(respectable) parents. I know I sound all armchair analyst! But this is something he has become stubborn, unreasonable and unyielding about.
Can you say to him, "Darling, you can wear those boots 364 days a year, it really does not matter, I really don't care. But I am begging you, when we go to hospital, can you wear a pair of trousers with a belt, a nice shirt and shoes. I don't want to show pictures to our child and have them say, who is that grubby man Mummy?"

There seems to be some consensus here and I agree with it: The boots are not worth losing sleep over, but the arse crack is really out of order.

It's just a basic question of social standards of modesty. You wouldn't want to go out with someone wearing nothing below the waist and their naughty bits in full sight. So why the Hell does he think you should be OK about everyone having to look at your husband's bare arse?

Honestly, if it were me, I'd refuse to leave the house with him dressed like that. I'd say he can go and put on something that covers his arse, or he's not appropriately dressed and you don't see why you should have to embarass yourself.

It doesn't need to be expressed in an aggressive or attacking way. It's not so much that you're telling him what to do; more that you're standing up for what you shouldn't have to do (be embarrassed in public). You can do that quietly and fact-of-factly, and then he can make his own choices.

matter-of-factly

I wouldn't want to be seen in public with him tbh, and I would be really disappointed if he went to the hospital looking like that on such a special occasion.

Such a shame as you say he's good looking.

Smart casual doesn't take much effort.

I knew someone like this and was brutally honest with them in the end (also unshaven which made him look very rough/unclean). Naturally it went down like a ton of bricks, but things did improve.

Perhaps go down the route of ordering some smart/casual clothes and trainers that you know he will love (and hide the big heavy boots -anyone wearing boots in hot weather looks wrong).

Drop some cold baked beans down his arse crack. Honestly some men think that being really gross is masculine and cool whereas a lot of us find it sickening.

This would be unacceptable for me and I’d have to tell him. I’d start by saying it’s not attractive, then follow up with the fact you find it embarrassing. Who wants their husband arse on show?
And if he cares about the relationship he should care what you think

Drop some cold baked beans down his arse crack.

No words.

cold baked beans

The arse crack thing is totally not on, but I don't see the problem with the boots, unless they are really filthy?

Whoops I missed out the for the beans!

He sounds repulsive - 'increasingly unhygienic' arse crack on show, wearing a pair of horrible boots constantly, 'couldn't give a shit what you think'.

I couldn't put up with him- whatever his good points are. He'll only get worse as he gets older.

His bum hanging out is unacceptable. So vile.

Fashion sense is important to me. I dress very well, but I don’t care what he wears as long as it fits well and is clean. An ex of mine on the other hand was short and used to wear jeans that would bunch up several inches at his ankles, it just made me cringe. He generally had poor fashion sense - think £400 mismatched garish items that he would wear daily. It’s shallow but how he dressed definitely made me find him less attractive.

Show him this thread - and leave a threatening tin of Heinz Baked Beans by the front door......

😂 Loving some of the suggestions! I'm well up for baked beans and may add in a couple of teeny pork sausages!

He's very tall and he used to be very skinny - I think he finds it difficult to understand that as he grows older and his weight fluctuates, he needs to wear a large or an XL sometimes to get the length that he needs. It feels like if I tell him too much, I'm making a comment about his weight. And I don't want to do that, because his weight doesn't bother me, but I know it bothers him.

I'm going to make a point of doing what I've been doing a lot of lately and telling him to cover himself up. And then in a little while tell him again, he just needs to get some new t-shirts or he's not coming.

I'll leave the boot issue. But I'm not promising they won't get carried off by a murder hornet

The arse crack- ewwwww! I quite like big boots on a man, but to have the laces undone is weird.

I'm going to make a point of doing what I've been doing a lot of lately and telling him to cover himself up. And then in a little while tell him again, he just needs to get some new t-shirts or he's not coming.

I think that's a really good way of putting it.

Maybe I will have to take pictures

If he's in denial that it's happening at all, then I think you need to. Obviously, show him immediately when you get a good pic, then delete it.

Your relationship is in very serious trouble.

Is it like a rapper thing?