Partners best friend

[19claire88]

Hello

I’ve been with my partner for just over 6 months known him for around 5 years, everything is going great he’s moved in during lockdown. Everything is great until he’s best friends girlfriend comes up in conversation. We are neighbours, and since we became an official couple she hates me, she gone from trying to setting us up to this.

We all used to get on great bbqs, parties and shopping trips all normal things that 2 neighbours and friends would do.

Over the past few months I’ve been named called, over heard several quite nasty conversations about myself, been accused of taking his money, she’s spoken to my partner about me in a disrespectful manner he did call her out on it.

I’ve tried over the past few months up until lock down to resolve this and it just seems so unrepairable even during lock down I’ve messaged her and the replies I get are you won’t take him away from us, I have never implied I would I don’t want to destroy a friendship, but with her behaviour she’s gonna lose a friendship because we can’t even be in the same room together.

I guess I’m just looking for someone to tell me to stop trying with this women it’s getting me no where, our wider friendship circle have now seen what she’s been doing so it’s not going unnoticed.

What do I do, do I stop flogging a dead horse or do I keep trying it just feels so embarrassing to keep trying.

Btw I’m aware now childish this all is I’m 30 they are 40.

Thank you for reading.

@Aerial2020 I think this is gonna have to be my approach from now on she doesn’t exist anymore. It’s a very strange friendship there’s a lot of take and not much give. It’s very one sided.
I think for the friends that know the situation I’m gonna have to tell them why I’m behaving in such a way and that it’s so she cannot create a drama from it.
I needed to vent as I thought I was in the wrong but clearly am I not. I thought I was going crazy and over reacting with the behaviours I have received from her. It’s nice to read that it’s not just me seeing it if that makes sense.

Sounds like you would be best off moving no matter what given you have neighbour from hell.

@billy1966 thank you he seems to be more willing to accept that this is not how a normal friendship group works. I’m so surprised he’s behaving like this when it comes to her though.
He’s literally been my rock over the past few months then to not have a pair when it comes to a women that he owes nothing to.
He’s well aware now that I’ll be walking away if things don’t change

Your reaction to her is an under reaction. You have lain down and taken too much.

Your reaction to him is an under reaction. She has form yet he is letting her do it again without any action.

I think you are displacing anger onto her that should be directed at him. I think that disjoint in your mind is what's making this affect your MH so badly. You tell yourself she's the problem but deep down you know that he's the problem and that's horrible because he seemed like a good one until this.

Whatabout this bit "In the past she has ruined his relationships so he’s been single for years cause of her behaviour."
How has she ruined his relationships, did he tell you this himself or was it another person that told you this?
Is there another person in your circle of friends that you confide in about this neighbour woman?

@TorkTorkBam we were friends up until the point of us getting together, so until we break up or something it’s not gonna change and I’ll have to accept I’ve tried and nothing will change. It’s all on her now. I think she will end up losing his friendship when she should have just gritted her teeth and kept quiet

Exactly, it's making you feel like you're crazy.
That's not good and you don't need that shit in your life. How dare she treat you like that.
Don't let her. Don't give her the power.
Simply ignore. Ignore as she's not important enough to put your energy into.
YOUR feelings are much more important. Whatever issues she has going in has nothing to do with you. They would have been there a long time. Don't play the game.

@Concerned7777 when the accusations have happened he’s never believed them as he knows that’s not something I would do so whatever reaction she’s looking for it isn’t happening. I think it’s hard when people repeat what beings said as I don’t get my chance to defend myself if that makes sense. I’ve only recently told one of her close friends what’s she’s been doing as I didn’t want to bad mouth her

He sounds more and more like a wet flannel, I don't think he'll have your back in life unfortunately.

Also, are you thinking about 'us all' moving into his caravan rather than staying in your own home and just ignoring her? Do you have kids?

@Aerial2020 I’ve tried to play the game as I thought it could be resolved but clearly that won’t happen, from now on shes not going to exist and hopefully she’ll move on to the next thing. Hopefully my silence will say a lot more then constantly trying all the time. But if people ask I can say I’ve tried and I’m no longer prepared to put my self or him through this anymore

Sorry but hes chosing her over you...

Hes chosing not to tell her to back the fk off of lose him even though shes hurting you.

A good man would tell her that either she stops or she can forget ever seeing him again.

My husband had the same issue when we first met, he emailed her and said that should she ever contact him again then he will take matters further and that he didnt want anything to do with her because of her behaviour.

Been together 5 years now and have 2 kids. At the end of the day he either loves you and agrees that she is toxic or he doesnt love you and would prefer to keep his friendship and be forever single. Maybe he needs to tell her how wierd it is that she feels the need to drive away every girlfriend he ever has.. Definite feelings.

Ok. I’ve been through something similar in our friendship circle. It ended badly with the circle being split up. She wanted the guy at her beck and call. Surrogate husband. She effectively has two husbands. You’re getting in the way. She’s behaving this way because this is what she does and it works. He stays single because no woman can be bothered to put up with this crap. Move. Regardless of the relationship surviving you really don’t want to have anything to do with this woman again. She’s controlling, jealous and awful. Do not speak to her again. Don’t reply to messages or engage. She will use and twist anything you say. The relationship is dead. It’s time to cut her off. Move and then start inviting over mutual friends and building up friendships outside of her. You need to now make a concerted effort to widen your social circle not to include her. Stop talking to your BF about her. Stop immediately. No ultimatums. Act like she’s dead and somebody you don’t know. You need to be clever. The only way to win this game is not to play her rules. You will not win against a bloke best mate of 15 years and that’s what she’s relying on, so you say “it’s a shame it’s worked out like this but actually it’s maybe for the best because I’ve fancied a fresh start anyway so I’m going to move to give me and us a good chance to make this work. Let’s draw a line under her. You are their friend and that’s fab but our relationship is more than that so you see them without me and let’s just not talk about her anymore” then try and have fun with him. She can’t win against a fun relationship full of sex and love so that’s what you should be having. If it’s stress stress stress neither of you will carry on and she’s banking on that. She’s trying to ruin it and you’re letting her. Be smart and keep your thoughts/feeling about her quiet. Act like a surprised, wonderful person who is shocked to hear anything negative she says. Big wide eyes and “ah that’s a shame. I always really liked her. I’m the kind of person who loves getting on with everybody. Shall we go to the pub and grab some drinks darling (change subject)” if you build up your friendship circle without her in it then hopefully eventually he’ll get bored of her and her nastiness

@JudyGemstone I have 3 children what’s so confusing is I’ve been going through court with there dad for custody and he’s had my back the whole way I don’t think I would have gone through with it at all if he hadn’t been hear but when it comes to the neighbours he loses his bottle it’s so strange.

I wondered if he’s scared of losing them and rocking the boat so has just accepted it. I know he doesn’t like having the conversation and neither does his best friend. I think there both scared of what will be said and realise it’s got to come to a natural end

@searchaway this is why I’ve tried to make such an effort as I don’t want to split the group up, and be blamed and I’m playing right into her hands. I’ve needed outside eyes to see this. I’m gonna play it your suggested way and hopefully it will past. The thing is her partner will also attend social things and she’s gonna look silly when she doesn’t turn up and the game she’s playing had twisted back on to her, I have never had anything like this happen to me before I’m the quite girl that will join in what ever but to have to fight a battle like this is so draining. I’ve wasted too much time on this already when really we should be in the exciting stages of a relationship I’m asking him why someone doesn’t like me. God I feel silly now it’s on paper

@TheGirlWithAPrince he’s accepted that a friendship with her will not be able to continue this is what I agree too. And that she is not welcome with in my home or anything we do. But he will continue he’s friendship with his best friend which I feel is fair he doesn’t expect me to participate in this quite frankly weird set up they have.
He gets that it’s weird she’s so far ruined every chance he’s had of having a girlfriend but has put that down to her saying things without thinking. I don’t think that is the case she knows exactly what she is doing and she’s being very clever at playing the stupid part

The reason that he's different with them is that he feels part of their 'family'. I'm not sure why you are so angry with her instead of your DH. The real issue her is that your neighbour lady gets a fair bit of attention from your DH. Her kids get the 'best' presents from him, isn't that right. You have unwittingly moved next door to your DPs 'family' without realising it. Your neighbour is your DP's 'Mummy' because somewhere along the line he lost his other Mummy.
You are jealous of the attention she gets. If you want to keep your DP you will have to open your eyes to the dynamics at play here.
And it's not that he doesn't love you or that she has a campaign of evil towards you. It's something else.
Thing is she has always gotten this attention from him, it's just when it's right in front of your eyes it gets your goat.
What is the story with your DP parents? Why does he need to depend on this couple to be his family. He is a sort of drifter type who has cut contact or lost his own family?

OP,

He's more afraid of loosing her than you.

He's a wuss

You deserve more.

Weak men are so unattractive.

Don't think you can count on him.

You can't.

@TorkTorkBam ..good post.

Your MH is precious.

Your children need you well.

This man is 7 months with you, he's moved in, and your mental health is being challenged😳🙄.....

Your children need you strong and well.

Move on.

I would honestly move away. It's not healthy for anyone. Your boyfriend needs to defend you to her, always.

Don't waste time on psychology. Whether she's doing it deliberately or not, she's been doing it for years and he hasn't stopped her. It's his motivation for allowing it that is worth worrying about.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me

She's made a fool of him quite often. I'd be on high alert.

Does he pay his way with you? A lot of cocklodgers seem to be Laid Back Larrys.

I’m not so much jealous of her I’m annoyed everyone has her on this pedestal and she can behave in such a way and no one challenges her I’m the only one to do it so far. I’m bloody annoyed he’s not had my back over this but I’m other areas he’s there. Maybe I do need to write it off and walk away. He’s only moved in for the lock down, my mental health from this was already challenged long before he came to stay. Normally I would go to his just so I’m not at home dealing with her. I think as well on her head he’s always in mine but we are following the guide lines and keeping within our home I think that has played a part in the behaviour from her over the past few weeks as she feels he should be next door

Yeah he more then pays his way we are both equal on that respect house work, DIY cooking that’s all shared out. Food bills, and utilities are all shared out.
Now you’ve said about cocklodgers I think she has been his version is a cocklodger, the way she describes him and how he’s paid for thee lifestyle.
1 of the 1st things she said when we got together was a comment about money and how he will pay for what I want but I’m not like that I don’t need a mans money I’m very independent in that respect, where as she doesn’t work and solely relies on her partners income

She sounds bat shit crazy
I think she's got something over your dp. Either that or he's gutless

@ballsdeep I think he’s so worried about losing the friendship that anything will go. Now I’ve started pointing out things he’s like oh yeah that does happen, but I’ll take the advice of others and pretend she’s not there and never speak of it again, me and him as a couple are matched really well and others are happy for us but I’ve got it on my head I need her approval

@19claire88 well thats good, yeah soelme woman are clever with the games! Well shes only going to burn her own bridges :)

I would just stay well away and be brutally honest if anyone mentions anything that the fact is you really liked her but unfortunately she has decided that now you are dating you are no longer liked.
You have done nothing wrong and shouldnt feel ashamed and she is obviously just a bit crazy

His friend is a bad friend to allow his supposed best friend to be damaged like this (and to take money from him!)

He needs new friends. Actual friends. Not leeches disguised as friends.