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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband still going to supermarket every day in lockdown

96 replies

PLaurel19 · 09/05/2020 10:17

My husband isn't stupid... he knows and talks about the virus and how we all need to be on lockdown. He agrees with the idea that we should just do one big shop a week. But he still goes out every day/every other day with an excuse to buy something.
I can't do the food shop because we have a baby. I've tried writing lists for him with enough ingredients for food etc for a week. He still finds a reason to go out.
I never thought that he would act this way in a time like this ... I'm shocked.
Any ideas on how I can talk to him about how serious I find this- without him shutting down?

OP posts:
Tigertrees · 09/05/2020 12:12

If it's just for some peace why can't he do exercise instead?

redbigbananafeet · 09/05/2020 13:55

PicsInRed Such paranoia, and quite a mean thing to put in the OPs head. The mans going to the shop every other day for his mental health! How often are you leaving the house? It must be very claustrophobic and intense with a newborn. Congratulations btw

TheSnootiestFox · 09/05/2020 14:27

I've not read the full thread, apologies, and I don't wish to alarm you, but my ex husband did this for about a year and I could never understand why....to cut a long story short things weren't going well, I ended it, and within 4 weeks of our 15 year marriage ending he'd moved in with a checkout girl called Karen. Both me and her ex husband are expected to believe that there was nothing going on before HmmGrin

tiptoptimmie · 09/05/2020 15:01

Did he have a very active, always out and about doing stuff, life before lockdown? Is he one of those people who needs external stimulation to be happy? I have a friend who goes to Wilko or similar pretty much every day to pick up the odd thing. She is one of those people who has several sociable hobbies and before lockdown she would have been going to work every day and going out most evenings to do something. She is not the kind of person to sit at home and read a book or binge on a boxset. Whilst I don't think her daily trips out are a good thing, it's her way of dealing with the current situation. Is your DH similar?

PicsInRed · 09/05/2020 15:08

Yeah, TheSnootiestFox mine did it too. Awful isn't it? They're "helping" by going to the supermarket, then they're doing it every day, leaving you home with the kids - and it eventually turns out they weren't "helping" at all. I felt so fooled.

To others - that's why I raised it. It's one established way men cheat. And it's even more horrid because you're supposed to be grateful the entire time, that they're doing the supermarket shopping, right?

Quite unusual to absolutely insist on going to the supermarket every single day in normal times, let alone during an international pandemic and lockdown. It's suspicious behaviour.

Sorry, I'm not trying to unnecessarily upset the OP, I really do think she needs to be conscious of the possibility. Being blindsided by this sort of thing when they're way ahead of you on the details can be both emotionally and financially devastating.

OP I do hope it turns out he's just a bored twat just getting out of the house so he can eat crisps and scrolling facebook in the carpark. 💐

TheSnootiestFox · 09/05/2020 18:41

Exactly PicsInRed we're not being mean just realists...... I even used to joke with my youngest that 'daddy must have a lady at Tesco.' Little did I know! I too hope it's just a lockdown need for space but I can only speak from my own experience.

Cherryblossomsnow · 09/05/2020 18:46

I would say it's boredom to be honest.

Brownyblonde · 09/05/2020 18:47

.. And??

Cherryblossomsnow · 09/05/2020 18:47

Oh and the tracking is not weird. I have the same and it's super handy.

Idontwantthis · 09/05/2020 20:01

I too thought he’s doing something he doesn’t want you to know about.

Not paranoid, just realistic.

Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar · 09/05/2020 20:10

Hi. It sounds as if he may be having an affair. To say one time he will do a weekly shop then to still go every day doesn't add up. I think you should ask a friend to follow him one day. How long is he when he is out?

GreyishDays · 09/05/2020 21:06

He doesn’t play Pokemon Go or similar does he?

Thehiddenway · 10/05/2020 15:56

My partner does too. He is definitely at the supermarket as well. I know he does it as he finds being at home boring and he struggles being around the children all the time. He would rather go to the supermarket so he can then appear to be doing something for us and being helpful rather than going out for a walk or something else that’s ‘time to himself’ as I would then expect it to be reciprocated and he wouldn’t be willing to have the children on his own.

It really irritates me as his day basically revolves around going. I will mention going out for a walk with the children or doing some activity at 10/11am and he will be all ‘but I need to go to...’ He picks different ones all the time to go to and will come up with some reason why he’s picked to go there.

I think it’s really irresponsible when it’s making it more likely to bring the virus home to myself and our children who haven’t been anywhere near anyone else in almost 2 months!

Guavaf1sh · 12/05/2020 01:20

Boredom. And the virus hysteria is coming to an end now so I wouldn’t say anything to him

Butterymuffin · 12/05/2020 01:30

I would wait till he gets ready to go tomorrow and then say that you fancy some fresh air so you'll go this time and he can have some time with the baby instead. If he says 'but what about the risks to the baby' point out that they're the same as when he goes. And remind him that they won't let you all in together. It's definitely your turn today.

DamnYankee · 12/05/2020 02:15

If he's a good husband in most respects?
Elsa it (Let it go).

DeeCeeCherry · 12/05/2020 02:26

Whats interesting about supermarket shopping that you are compelled to do it every day?😕. Of course he's up to something. I don't know why the "it's for his mental health" people think they're any better than the "it's suspicious" ones. If he's up to something he's out of order, if he's out daily but never goes out for a walk with his partner(doesn't sound as if they do) then he's still out of order. Such a backward sexist view that having a partner & baby is boring so the big man needs his space away from it every day. OP, as soon as you can get HIM to stay with baby so YOU can get out for an hour or so each day.

As to tracking apps I don't get it. What's wrong with a quick text/phonecall? Are women really tracking their man just so they can have his dinner on the table on time? I've been beamed back to the 1950s housewife zone...

MyNameIsAlexDrake · 12/05/2020 02:32

Maybe he just wants to get out the house and have a purpose to do so? I'm sure many people can't get motivated to 'go for a walk' so instead think to themselves, I really need to get some tomato sauce from the spar or such like as an excuse to go? Not saying it's right, we really should be minimising trips to shops but really it doesn't have to be a sinister reason that he's going out so often.

notangelinajolie · 12/05/2020 02:52

Some people just can't bear to stay in at home all day. It could be as simple as that.

redbigbananafeet · 12/05/2020 03:06

MyNameIsAlexDrake absolutely 100% the guy just wants a break and to get out the house. There's nothing sinister. There's no affair or secret phone calls. The guy just wants to be out the house for a few hours. Please ignore the cheating posts. He just wants some time to himself. Honestly that's all it is

NerrSnerr · 12/05/2020 03:37

I also think he probably wants to get out of the house.

Givenupno · 12/05/2020 04:43

Sounds like he wants some time out. I couldn’t stand being in the house all day everyday.

Risks? No greater than the millions of people working and out and about everyday. People who think it’s risky and irresponsible to go to a shop need to get a grip.

As for Are women really tracking their man just so they can have his dinner on the table on time? I've been beamed back to the 1950s housewife zone...

We use find my iPhone all the time when both working. It automatically lets me know when my OH is about ten minutes from home, and likewise for her.

Generally on a work day it’s me that his home before her so it lets me know to get diner served up or put the kettle on. It’s nice to be nice, nothing sinister and I definitely am not a 1950s housewife (6ft hairy man)

Also means she knows when I have safely arrived at the office which she finds reassuring

selfisolatingsince2007 · 12/05/2020 07:54

Could just be as simple as him being bored on lockdown honey, honestly can you blame him? I get it adds risk though which isn't fair on you and your baby, but the lockdown is lifting now so I might mean he gets out once or twice a day to do something other than shop (like workout etc).

My husband does it too but honestly I'd rather him get out and about than be depressed in the house.

Good luck and hope it gets better xx

fartyface · 12/05/2020 07:58

Why does having a baby mean you can't go to the shop?

Just leave it with the dh?

Although it sounds like you have enough in

Whitestick · 12/05/2020 09:27

I'm glad boredom is now a good enough excuse to endanger the lives of your family. Ffs. He can take exercise like the rest of us.