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Original poster

Am I being too harsh? Cheating.

89 replies

Namechangeio · 08/05/2020 22:57

Dp has been showing me some lovely snaps he has taken of our child in the swimming pool today, very cute snaps.

I saw his camera roll at the bottom and there were two pics of his dick. I didn’t say anything.
He then went on Facebook and uploaded a pic of our child and I saw the dick pic again with closer detail as his camera roll comes up as thumb nails which confirmed to me it was infact a dick pic. The angle was him standing in the kitchen, camera pointing down, penis out and a foot either side.

I felt sick to my stomach and I still do. I went upstairs and I text him to be discreet and said can you explain why you have 2 dick pics on your phone and who have you sent them to? He has denied everything. I asked to see the pics he’s deleted as it was just 2 pics of the floor, asked for deleted folder he said he’s emptied it. He’s making out I’m accusing him of stuff and he’s not done anything wrong. I know what it was and it was the tip of his bell end. Surprising I can recognise it as we haven’t had sex for over a year. Unsure if it’s a sex site (fab swingers is one he has used before and I caught him on) or sending it to someone we/he knows in real life.

He made a comment about his pubes being so overgrown who would want to see it? But my guess is that he would of zoomed in to cover these and make his ‘thing’ look bigger.

I want him out of my house. Its rented by me.
Am I being too harsh by packing his things and putting them in a suitcase outside his mums and being done with it? I’d never stop contact with our child and I will share the household items with him. I have also written a message to his mum in my notes telling her his stuff is there and the reason why I want him out.

Is it being too harsh or just firm? Either way I want him gone ASAP.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeio · 09/05/2020 12:39

He said he lied because he was annoyed that he had been caught out ???

There’s no way he took a picture of his erect member just for the sake of it. it was taken for a reason. If he was jacking off he would be on a porn website not jacking off to the sight of his own penis or is that a thing these days?

OP posts:
TippledPink · 09/05/2020 12:45

@goldenlog Sounds like he has form in the past for cheating, OP doesn't have to have proof to end the relationship, she can end it for whatever reason she chooses to. There is only one reason for taking a dick pic and it isn't to keep and look at himself.

If you haven't had sex for a year, cheating in the past, lying to you now- you are definitely making the right decision.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 09/05/2020 12:48

He’s come and confessed to me that it was a dick pic but swearing blind that he hasn’t sent it to anyone but doesn’t know why he’s taken it

It’s very very well known that cheaters will always confess to a little bit first (usually they’ll confess to just what they think you know about as he has done here) in the hope that you’ll feel as if you’ve gotten the truth. In reality he has confessed to nothing- because you already knew he had taken dick pics. He’s just agreed that what you saw is what you saw. You didn’t need him to confess that at all- you already knew!!

goldenlog · 09/05/2020 13:07

@Namechangeio @TippledPink Sorry I didn’t see that he had cheated in the past. I only said about getting proof as I know first hand then when it’s denied and the anger fades you can start to doubt yourself and your decision without the proof.

grecianwomen · 09/05/2020 13:23

Surely, in the long term this is a win for both of you - it clear from the past cheating that your husband wants to be sexually active, yet you two are not sexually active together.

There's only one way that can work out without cheating and that is going your separate ways.

Original poster
Namechangeio · 09/05/2020 13:30

I totally agree.

Just got to get through this weekend now. I was thinking of remaining civil and allowing him to stay for our child’s sake and so he can save for a new property and nice things for our child to have but I don’t think I owe him that much (if anything at all)

OP posts:
Yecats1990 · 09/05/2020 14:21

You owe him nothing.
He's a liar and a cheat.
He made his bed so can be responsible for the fall out.
You sound really strong. You will be so much happier without him.

grecianwomen · 09/05/2020 15:02

I was thinking of remaining civil and allowing him to stay for our child’s sake and so he can save for a new property and nice things for our child to have but I don’t think I owe him that much (if anything at all)

But that isn't just about him. You've put that in terms of what is best for your child too.

What discussions did you both have about the fact that you don't have sex and what that means for trying to make the marriage work?
If he has been choosing to not have sex with you, when you would have like to have sex with him, that paints him in a terrible light. But if you have been choosing not to have sex with him, or are unable to have sex for some reason, then you must have both realised this was never going to work out, as his past behaviour makes it clear he still wants to be sexually active.

nowayhose · 09/05/2020 15:04

You owe him nothing, and he can damn well save money at his mums can't he ?

I can't quite believe you were actually still trying to be nice to him (for any bloody reason) when he's lied and cheated before and now been caught again !

What would he have to do to make you stop putting HIS damn needs before your own ? I get that you want your DC to have a nice time when he's at his dad's, but that's NOT your problem to solve, it's HIS !

You sound incredibly strong, brave and intelligent, but you definitely still need to stop thinking that HIS problems are for YOU to solve for him. Confused

Concentrate on ONLY you and your DC, and let him sort out his own shit. You are NOT responsible for ANY of his actions or issues, they are HIS alone.

nowayhose · 09/05/2020 15:14

@ grecianwomen

''If he has been choosing to not have sex with you, when you would have like to have sex with him, that paints him in a terrible light. But if you have been choosing not to have sex with him, or are unable to have sex for some reason, then you must have both realised this was never going to work out, as his past behaviour makes it clear he still wants to be sexually active.''

I can't believe you think that if the OP doesn't have any sex drive at the moment, that it's HER fault the marriage has broken down ?? WTAF ?

So if she's depressed, unwell, in pain, in menopause, in mourning, too tired................any bloody reason really, then it's HER fault her DH cheated previously and has been caught at it again ???? So you actually think that HIS needs are somehow more important that the OP's ?? Or is it that you don't think HE can possibly have to take ownership of his own actions/ decisions ??

According to YOUR beliefs, the partners of all sexual predators/ rapists/ paedos are at fault ? For not 'understanding' or 'meeting' their 'needs'??

Unless, of course, I have misunderstood your meaning ? Please say I have......................

grecianwomen · 09/05/2020 15:26

Of course you have misunderstood. But thanks for the angry stereotype response that goes way past what I said. Hope you enjoyed your righteous outrage.

I am not saying it is OPs fault. But a relationship where one person wants sex and the other doesn't is clearly a relationship which is almost certainly going to fail. No one should have sex they don't want and no-one should stay in a relationship which does not meet their core needs, whether those are emotional needs or sexual needs. So what was their discussion about this?

noyoucannotcomein · 09/05/2020 15:28

Just wanted to say well done, OP. Wish there were more threads like this on here.

PippaPegg · 09/05/2020 15:48

@grecianwomen the point you have missed is that this specimen DIDN'T LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. He just started shagging around while still living with OP, lying to her, having her cook and clean for him etc.

HE didn't bother discussing that with OP did he the lying sack of shit.

You can take your misogynistic crap and fottfsof

grecianwomen · 09/05/2020 15:57

There is absolutely nothing misogynistic about what I have said, and frothing at the mouth and dehumanising people rarely makes someone look like someone whose position needs to be given consideration.

He didn't leave the relationship. Nor did she. They both chose to remain in a relationship where there appears to have been a major incompatibility. With a rather inevitable outcome.

LexMitior · 09/05/2020 16:09

Don’t let him stay. Just make him leave. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

Pack bags and get lost. Really, it is so easy NOT to take pictures of your genitals and send them to strangers.

He wouldn’t entertain any such excuse from you.

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 09/05/2020 16:46

Stick to your guns. He's cheated.

FuckYouVirus · 09/05/2020 17:02

Bloody well done you OP!

You have done exactly the right thing. What a lier and cheater.

Original poster
Namechangeio · 09/05/2020 18:33

Thanks guys.

There has been previous discussions around lack of sex. At first it was more effort would be put in on from him as I was quite up for doing the deed, but as time slipped on and knock back after knock back I eventually (and this is quite recently) have stopped asking and I don’t want to be intimate with him anymore. He did agree a few times but I never enjoyed it because I know he was doing it out of duty and it left me feeling like a sexual predator.

Again when I have had a conversation about it he claims it’s the most important thing to me and that I am shallow as a relationship to me revolves around sex. I responded with the fact that it’s unreasonable for him to expect me to NEVER have or want sex again in my life time and it isn’t usually the norm for couples to not have sex at all. This conversation was 2-3 weeks ago.

He has made half hearted effort and tried to be more tactile but as I said I just do not want to do it anymore and that includes kissing, cuddles or any form of physical contact. The writing is on the wall but no need to start sending pics like that around especially whilst under my roof. It just boils down to respect and the lack of.

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

OP posts:
CarolefeckinBaskin · 09/05/2020 19:39

he claims it’s the most important thing to me and that I am shallow as a relationship to me revolves around sex

Bog standard response/accusation from an arsehole right there.

Removes the 'blame' from him. Says that you're asking way too much of him in expecting a bit of a sex life.

Reality probably is - he has been enjoying his seedy sex sites or wherever it is he's sharing his dick pics too much, leaving no time nor energy to sort out his real life relationship problems and would rather call you a nympho while secretly wanking over whoever it is he's messaging. Urgh!
I can't believe, after being caught before, that he thinks you'll fall for his bullshit. Erect dick pics only mean 1 thing imo - they are to send to someone/people/upload on sites - and if he wasn't sending them to you, well........
You are well rid. You deserve better.
Well done.

IcyWind · 09/05/2020 19:44

It isn’t harsh at all!. You’re very strong!

popsydoodle4444 · 09/05/2020 20:05

@Namechangeio

It sounds as though you're relationship is dead in the water anyway.You've previously caught him on a swingers site;I'm assuming he had created a profile on there?,you forgave him and now you're no longer in a physical relationship and he was taking explicit photos of himself with a flimsy explanation.

Get rid.Find yourself (when you're ready) a decent bloke you want a physical relationship with and isn't a lying cheat.

HollowTalk · 09/05/2020 20:11

It could just be innocent in the sense that he was taking pictures of himself to check out how his ‘man hood’ looks like and now he’s embarrassed but it could be more.

God. Haven't you heard of mirrors?

Original poster
Namechangeio · 09/05/2020 20:27

I am starting to get a bit nervous now but I’m going to keep reminding myself of what he’s done and that he deserves nothing from me. I have given him a second chance and he’s blown it. I need to keep reminding myself that this is his doing and not mine.

And to the poster that said what is it going to take for me to put myself and my child first? True words. If I fall soft now, the next time (and there will be a next time) it will be my own fault for trusting a proven liar and cheat.

He’s acting pretty normal with me now and I just really hope he doesn’t think it’s swept under the carpet because it is far from dealt with.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 09/05/2020 20:36

Keep coming back to read this whole thread to remind yourself what he is like and what he has done.

When I eventually left after 17 years of marriage and numerous emotional affairs I made sure I told everyone the reason so they could keep me on the straight and narrow because I knew I'd waiver...I'd done it time and time again and true to form a few weeks down the line I kept thinking it all wasnt so bad as the previous times so why had i kicked off but the difference was I had finally had enough and it was just another disrespectful action.

I also read back old diaries to remind myself what he had put me through for all those years.

Good luck, you can do this, keep posting here if you have a wobbleFlowers

Original poster
Namechangeio · 09/05/2020 22:11

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
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