Is my husband right to be mad at me?

[Mrspeabea]

Hi. I’m new but I need some advice. My husband is really unreasonable with certain things. He’s brilliant in everything else but when it comes to certain things I never know how he’s going to react. Is he going to laugh or go mad?
When we first met he didn’t like some of my friends and they were not very nice to him so I distanced from some of them. Then if I say I want to go out out it’s an argument because I’ve always said I don’t really like going out out. So he thinks I’m a liar. If I speak to certain people he says I’m keeping things from him by not saying to him what we’ve spoken about.

It sounds a lot worse than it is once I’ve written it down this is all been over 6 years. It probably comes up in some form once every 4-6 months unless I’ve really annoyed him and he will bring it up constantly for a while.

The worst bit is. I am always at fault. He can be unreasonable and it’s my fault because I didn’t tell him who I spoke to and what was said.

Am I being unreasonable to say to him he is out of order? I used to feed this behaviour by giving up saying sorry sorry sorry I will try harder. Now I’m more likely to say your being stupid I’m not having this conversation anymore but I feel like I shouldn’t even have to deal with it in the first place.

No. He sounds very controlling. You need to realise that. It's not healthy.

Sounds like my ex. That’s why he’s my ex. Very controlling behaviour I’m afraid

This is not a mutually respectful and loving relationship. You deserve one.

Who you speak to and what was said is none of his business. The fact he thinks it is is shocking.

Does he recount every conversation he has?
Does he go out?
I bet that’s two no’s.

He sounds very controlling and abusive.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He is behaving abusively towards you; he wants power and control over you here. Such men do not change and his nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

He’s massively controlling. I imagine if you told us more there would be red flags galore all under the pretenders of how much he cares.

Seriously, read up on controlling and coercive behaviours and you’ll start to see the light,

*pretence

Nope he has no right to be mad at you. He's a controlling arsehole

He calls you a liar because you want to go out!

That's beyond controlling. Why are you still with him?

Tell him to mind his own business. You're a grown woman, you don't need his permission to go out.

You're not being unreasonable. Of course you shouldn't have to deal with it in the first place.

He has no right to police anything about your life, or interrogate you and demand to know the content of conversations.

See any friends you like- get back in touch with the old ones if you like. Tell him he can't control who you see or what you talk about.

His wanting to know who/what sounds either like he's a) suspicious/paranoid/jealous, or b:-

He's acting badly towards you in various ways and he doesn't want others to know what he's doing. So- he controls who you can be friends with/speak to, and what you can say. He creates scenes if you don't do what he wants. Anything else he wouldn't want people to know about? Is he controlling/demanding in other ways?

You shouldn't have to worry about his response to anything you say to him, you're supposed to be a loving, respectful team in life. He's being an absolute bell end.

I think it’s paranoia and jealousy. As his parents were controlling and unfaithful to one another he almost thinks because he’s not as bad or like them he’s doing fine.

He doesn’t do it on purpose it’s like he will say I can do something but he will then throw a strop after it’s happened away from people. He’s very negative. Today I told him I was going to take our children for a walk and I spoke to my neighbour for 12 minutes, it’s caused a lot of issues.

He does love me and the kids and I know he is controlling but he’s so manipulative he always makes me feel like it’s my fault and in an argument it’s always on me. He has never said sorry to me in his life. So I end up feeling terrible about everything. I don’t have a job anymore, I don’t have any money from myself at all. He has made me complete reliant. I feel like I can never leave. Also I know if I left he would have no one.

Fucks sake, get out as soon as you can. He’s done a right one on you. Google (if you can) Why does he do that? Call women’s aid. Start getting everything ready, paperwork, bank statements, passports. Be very careful. Good luck.

That isn't love op.
He cares not a jot for you or your happiness..
Start making plans to split..
The law is on your side now in abusive /controlling relationships..

You are married to this man and thus have legal rights in law. You also have a choice re this man, your children do not.

It was always his aim too to keep you reliant on him. This is what controlling types do. This man wants to keep you in a cage made out of and from his own paranoid making.

Its not your issue, fault or problem if you left him and he had no-one. Why are you feeling so responsible for him in this respect?. Are you codependent when it comes to relationships?. Would he give you this consideration, no he would not. He is really not worthy of you at all.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you and he?. His parents were the self same and he has learnt their behaviours from them. He does this too because he can and it works for him. Would you want your children as adults to be in such a relationship, no you would not. So stop doing your bit here to show them this treatment of you from him is still acceptable to you on some level. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft as a starting point. I would also suggest you never enter into joint counselling with him but start to properly plan your exit with care from this abusive relationship. Womens Aid are well worth making contact with too. This is really no relationship model to be showing your children either.

Hi! I think you know in your heart of hearts what is going on, "He does love me..I know he's controlling but he's so manipulative he always makes me feel like its my fault..."
Subconsciously you have totally nailed it. I was in your position and I completely get it. It will get worse. It will feel impossible to tolerate and impossible to leave. It's emotional abuse. The difference is if you consider your options you are taking some control back. Do you have parents or a sibling you can talk to? Can you talk to some trusted friend? It may be difficult to identify any who aren't loyal or connected to him but please try. As this ramps up his behaviour ad tactics will and you will begin to feel that you can't trust your own judgement. Start talking to people early on and get some advice. Think also of your children - this really helped me - do you want them to think this behaviour is normal? They will replicate it anyway but if you take steps you are mitigating the effect on their life and your own. Sending a massive hug xx

you CAN leave...

To add to the other comments - do not confront, its potentially dangerous and he will know you are on to him (even though he will think its justified). Understand that there is a gap between what a DV charity will advise - ie leave and understand that a family lawyer will advise - stay. I choose to stay but knew I had legal backup. I also had a bag packed and had briefed the children that if I said a certain word - we leave wherever we are and we discuss the why's and wherefore's later. Eventually he left of his own volition but it took six months negotiation. If it helps keep a diary so when you think you are losing it you can check back what he said and when. Clearly keep this in a safe place. It may also be useful if you decide to go down the criminal route at any future stage you will then have evidence if needed. Listen to the other posters make sure you get copies of any significant paperwork and hide the kids passports etc. Significant paperwork is primarily anything financial.

You always have a choice.

No I would never want my kids to feel this way. I know it sounds stupid but I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t want to bad mouth him to anyone.

EVERYTHING is in his name. I do need to get out it’s just knowing where n how to start. I also just feel so guilty for feeling that. Like I never thought I’d be this woman who almost can’t see for looking. I know what’s going on but I almost feel stuck.

There's lots of help if you look for it, you'd get UC and a share of the marital assets Don't let him squash you into being compliant

You're married, so whose name is on what is pretty irrelevant. Use lockdown time to get up to speed with finances - his pension, his income, home ownership and equity. make sure you know where your documentation and your kids' documentation is - birth certificates, passports, all that.

Then you can start divorce proceedings. Your life will change. You will be poorer financially and yes, you'll have to work. But you'll be free.

I want to work. That’s not the problem. I just feel like I can’t leave and I don’t know why. I know I should but I just keep coming up with excuses and excusing his behaviour.