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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my husband right to be mad at me?

55 replies

Mrspeabea · 08/05/2020 17:11

Hi. I’m new but I need some advice. My husband is really unreasonable with certain things. He’s brilliant in everything else but when it comes to certain things I never know how he’s going to react. Is he going to laugh or go mad?
When we first met he didn’t like some of my friends and they were not very nice to him so I distanced from some of them. Then if I say I want to go out out it’s an argument because I’ve always said I don’t really like going out out. So he thinks I’m a liar. If I speak to certain people he says I’m keeping things from him by not saying to him what we’ve spoken about.

It sounds a lot worse than it is once I’ve written it down this is all been over 6 years. It probably comes up in some form once every 4-6 months unless I’ve really annoyed him and he will bring it up constantly for a while.

The worst bit is. I am always at fault. He can be unreasonable and it’s my fault because I didn’t tell him who I spoke to and what was said.

Am I being unreasonable to say to him he is out of order? I used to feed this behaviour by giving up saying sorry sorry sorry I will try harder. Now I’m more likely to say your being stupid I’m not having this conversation anymore but I feel like I shouldn’t even have to deal with it in the first place.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 08/05/2020 19:38

He has made you dependant on him, so he can con you that you can't function alone.
Add up what your assets and debts are, your worth is far more than you think.
Make this a new start.

SmokedGlass · 08/05/2020 19:44

I’m afraid this behaviour will only get worse

famousforwrongreason · 09/05/2020 02:18

I became Demanding suspicious jealous and controlling once I realised that my ex was a massive liar and very likely to have been unfaithful.
Our relationship was already broken by his dishonesty and self obsession but when I realised my jealousy and suspicion were taking over I ended the relationship for my own sanity

1forAll74 · 09/05/2020 02:55

A controlling,insecure,and immature partner. You are not liking this now,so you decide on a future with all this, or without all this.

differentnameforthis · 09/05/2020 03:05

  1. he didn't like your friends, so you "distanced" from them - red flag - he was isolating you.

  2. Didn't like you going out - using your own words against you - red flag

  3. You can't to people without being accused of hiding things - red flag

  4. EVERYTHING is in his name - of course it is...

He doesn’t do it on purpose it’s like he will say I can do something but he will then throw a strop after it’s happened away from people because he doesn't want other people to see he is a controlling dickhead, and YES he IS doing it on purpose

I don’t have a job anymore, I don’t have any money from myself at all. He has made me complete reliant. I feel like I can never leave. Also I know if I left he would have no one. NONE of this surprises me one bit.

Yeah, he isn't brilliant. You are being controlled and abused. You can leave, but the reason you don't is because he has cut you off from your life before him, and you think you have nothing and nowhere to go, which is exactly how abusers like their victims to be/feel.

You feel utterly reliant on him. That, he WAS brilliant at achieving, being a loving husband and father, not so much.

Lozzerbmc · 09/05/2020 03:18

This is awful hes controlling and abusive. Get a job. Make a plan to leave. Have you family to support you?

TehBewilderness · 09/05/2020 03:28

You need to read this.
archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/2up

Sertchgi123 · 09/05/2020 03:37

Frankly @Mrspeabea your DH is a abusive, controlling, deeply unpleasant man. Things won’t get better either, they will get worse. Leave this toxic relationship ASAP. 💐

81Byerley · 09/05/2020 03:55

Google coercive control. It's an offence for a reason. What you have with him isn't love, and you won't be sacrificing anything by leaving. In a divorce you will be entitled to half, whether it's in his name or not, so the advice you have received on here to safeguard yourself and leave, is good. I would start by finding out as much as possible about your finances as possible. If you feel you need time before leaving, keep a diary of events. You are an adult. You are entitled to go where you want, see who you want, and speak to who you want. You are entitled to say whatever you want to others, and you are entitled to privacy about your conversations. Remember you can contact Women's Aid.

Muh2020 · 09/05/2020 03:59

Divorce.
Honestly - that is the only solution.

Coyoacan · 09/05/2020 04:07

I know it sounds stupid but I don’t have anyone to talk to

Of course you don't. A lot of us have been in similar positions to you, OP, and it was obviously that, after six years with this man, you wouldn't have anyone to talk to, because that is what these men do, isolate us to make it harder for us to leave. And most of us are bright, intelligent women.

But the longer you stay with him, the harder it will be and the more of your life you will have wasted. You should get in touch with women's aid, among other things. You are entitled to your share of the family assets if you divorce and he will have to give you child support.

tara66 · 09/05/2020 05:00

Red Flag! you need to find some strength to deal with this situation now. You seem to still be fairly young/youngish - think how awful your life - old age - will be if you stay. Try to get help. Go to Citizen's Advice when you can - that's a good and easy start.

Toastiemaker · 09/05/2020 05:11

I had an ex like this. It took ages for the emotional scars to heal, still today I can hear his words in my ears... 7 years after it ended. Leave. Give yourself a chance to heal and you'll see what a manipulative and controlling abuser he is. Flowers

JudyCoolibar · 09/05/2020 05:46

You absolutely can leave. Phone Women's Aid as soon as possible.

chatterbugmegastar · 09/05/2020 07:19

He doesn’t do it on purpose

So he's a controlling twat by accident!?!?

Why do people ask questions and then when they get answers they don't like - backtrack

Your husband is a nasty controlling buffoon

What he does and says is NOT normal and not respectful and not loving

You are allowing your children to see and live alongside a very unhealthy relationship

pilates · 09/05/2020 07:27

That’s not a nice way to live but you know that. If he cannot change his ways you only have one alternative, leave.

ChristmasFluff · 09/05/2020 15:37

Even though everything is in his name, because you are married, you absolutely have a stake in every single thing. Do not let him convince you otherwise. Get legal advice if you can.

If you are in the UK, contact Women's Aid. they will help you, including legal advice, and they will hopefully get you on a Freedom Programme so you can meet other women like yourself and have people to talk to.

The minute you find yourself modifying your own behaviour because of fear of the other person's reaction, is the minute you are certainly, 100 per cent, being abused.

Children pick up on this dynamic very quickly. You are already doing the eggshell-walk. Don't let them think this is normal in a relationship. It isn't.

ChristmasFluff · 09/05/2020 15:42

Oh, and there is no excuse for being an abuser. Abuse produces people who go out of their way to accommodate others just as often as it produces horrible people like your husband.

He will never change because he doesn't want to. His past is an excuse for him, rather than something to heal from. You cannot heal another person with your love. I promise you, if it were possible, I would have achieved it. All that happens is you lose yourself.

I strongly recommend you listen to this. It was what gave me clarity on how what I was experiencing was abuse - even though by this time I was being regularly beaten. It is just as applicable to coercive control. You are experiencing coercive control, and he is using the same 'explanation' they all do.

www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave?language=en

Take care of yourself, OP. Flowers

nolovelost · 09/05/2020 16:04

Definitely controlling. My ex husband was like this, best thing I did leaving him.

Coffeecak3 · 09/05/2020 16:21

This is why your friends weren't nice to him, they saw him for what he is.

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 09/05/2020 16:49

I don't know how old your children are but imagine yourself witnessing them in abusive relationships as adults and telling you they can't leave. You staying with this man will be the role model relationship that is set for them. Leave for them if you can't for yourself.

differentnameforthis · 10/05/2020 08:49

@chatterbugmegastar You don't have to be so judgemental! People minimize because this is their life we are discussing, and they need to minimize it in order to reconcile it with themselves.

Many don't even know it's abuse, and don't want to believe their partner is capable of such shitty behaviour.

chatterbugmegastar · 10/05/2020 15:04

I thought I was being helpful and answering the OP. My bad and apologies if I've stepped out of line. It's difficult to know where the line is Smile

Original poster
Mrspeabea · 11/05/2020 08:30

Thanks for re affirming what I already started to think. I know what I need to do but it easier said than done. :(

OP posts:
Babdoc · 11/05/2020 08:48

OP, of course it seems difficult to divorce him and leave - he has isolated you, made you question your own ability to cope without him, etc.
But just break the task of leaving into small manageable steps, a day at a time.
For example, set yourself one small job - phoning Women’s Aid for advice and support. It may take several tries to get through, as there are loads of women suffering the same abusive control that you are, and lines can be busy.
Once you access them, you will not be alone, you will have well informed help on your side.
Then take another step - find out all you can about the marital finances: bank accounts, wage slips, mortgage details etc.
Armed with this, another step would be an appointment with a solicitor. This may have to be via phone or video call, given the lockdown, but it can still be done. Some solicitors give the first appointment free.
Each step you take will empower you and give you confidence for the next one. You will find your old self slowly emerging from the fog of abuse - that normal version of you, a happy confident woman who saw friends, lived a full life, didn’t continually question herself or defer to a bully.
This is a journey to your new happier future - and as the cliche says, a journey begins with one step. Take it!
God bless you and give you strength for this, OP. You CAN do it.