Ex's girlfriend too involved?

[Estill]

Ex and I have DD, aged 5, shared parenting. We both speak to DD every 2 days depending on who she is with. Recently, when talking to her dad I have heard him say 'I'll pass you onto girlfriend now'. Then DD chats to GF and asks to speak to her dad again. It happens nearly every phone call every 2 days. I'm a bit annoyed because the calls are for her dad (when she is with me) not his girlfriend. Plus, at the moment, GF is also spending every other week with DD. Why does she need to speak on the phone as well? I feel its a bit too much to have this much contact. DD does not even speak to my parents (DD's grandparents) this often.

Also, whenever DD returns from her dad's she usually says her dad has been working and girlfriend has been looking after her. What's the point in spending more time at her dad's if it's the GF looking after her most of the time?

Ex has big habit of controlling relationships and pushing people together (he did it with me a lot). Although GF seems very nice I'm a bit concerned about DD - seems she is having GF pushed on her when she just wants to speak/spend time with her dad.

You sound a bit petty. If the GF is kind to your daughter, I don't think it's your business really.

It’s a tough one, I suppose it’s nice that she cares. However, you aren't unreasonable in the way you feel, contact and phone calls should be focused on dad and daughter relationship. How long have they been together?

@therona of course it's my business, I'm her mum!

@Bbang about a year. But looking after DD for the majority of the time and speaking to her on phone every time is a recent thing.

The phone calls are only a problem if the conversation with Dad has decreased because he passes the phone to his gf. How long does she talk with each person? 10 minutes with Dad and 2 mins with gf is obviously fine. The other way could be problematic.

You can't influence the time spent while at Dad's. It is shit if dd spends more time with the gf than her Dad but unless the gf is an unsuitable babysitter then you need to let it go. As they've spent lots of time together, it is inevitable that there is now stuff to talk about.

It sounds like the problems is your ex. He's asking the gf to babysit and call- could it be to try and piss you off?

You know I’ve actually been through this very situation but only in reverse, I was the new girlfriend.

Of course I can only speak to myself but me and her being pushed together like that before we were ready led to a lot of upset and confusion on both sides, and actually it made me really resent my partner as I felt used by him and unappreciated also I was annoyed he’d put me in the firing line so to speak with his ex!

Me and my step daughter have an amazing relationship now but only because I recognised how damaging our relationship being forced like that was and took a big step back and popped some boundaries into place so our relationship could build organically.

For me if I was you I’d try to gauge your daughters thoughts on the situation or see if you can take her lead on what’s happening? It could be she’s fine with it but it’s something that’s understandably giving you a lot of anxiety or it could be that maybe she’d like dad to actually be the parent and his partner a fun extra person to spend time with casually.

Is the problem ex not being involved enough or passing his share of involvement to his gf? It fits with the controlling narrative.

Thanks @Headbangersandmash Yes, absolutely. I do think he's doing it to piss me off. I've learnt not to react to most things my ex does but this has an impact on DD so of course I am worried.

I think if your exes girlfriend is taking an interest in your daughter and being friendly then that is a good thing. When my partner and I met his daughter was 10. I would spend time alone with her and sometimes pick her up (about an hours drive away.) It really helped us bond. Her mum seemed really happy that we had such a good relationship and I got on really well with her Mum. Over the years her Mum and I would text each other. When my stepdaughter was 11 I had a baby and she came to stay for a week shortly after and it was lovely. My partner and I have recently split and my stepdaughter is 21. We are very close and I am also still in contact with her Mum. I would be happy his girlfriend wants to speak to your daughter it would be awful if she didn’t care.

Thank you @Bbang you've explained it really well and this is how I felt with my ex too (pushing me together with other members of his family, trying to be best friends with my friends etc). Sounds like maintaining boundaries has worked well for you. DD has made some comments about her dad always working. And on the phone DD never asks to speak to GF, it's always from ex who suggests it. And then she wants to go back speaking to her dad straight away.

We FaceTime DSS a few times a week. I would be pretty upset if I was banned from the chat. Plus children that age don’t actually like talking on the phone but it almost feels like an obligation to stay on the line, perhaps your ex is trying to make the call worthwhile?

i have been the new girlfriend in this situation op and i went on to marry her father m. We had a fifteen year relationship, married for 12. She had just started school when i met her and she is 24 now. As her father was selfish, he didn’t change his routine when it was her weekend with us so we spent quite a lot of time together.,

i can tell you that i absolutely adored that little girl, we’d go shopping, i’d buy her hair bands, all sorts but her mother would take them off her which really just led to confusion for her.

i would get to know the new girlfriend, she needn’t be the enemy and if she’s decent she’ll feel just as apprehensive and will care about how you’re feeling.

out any bad feeling aside as this time next year you won’t feel the same and in a few years you might even realise that had you met under different circumstances you may have been friends. I’m still in touch with my ex’s daughter and mother.

good luck to you!

Isn't she experiencing the normal long term life of her father?

Her DH having a partner, her DH having to work etc.

Sounds like your DD isn't bothered by it all and frankly you sound petty. Careful or you'll become the subject of those "my DP's ex-W is so controlling and difficult" threads.

I’m sure you’re not and you are only thinking of your daughter but you come across as jealous and petty. Co parenting is about compromise and this may be one of the times you just have to get over it. If the GF was bringing harm to your daughter then that’s different but if she is kind and your daughter likes her then just let it go. Pick your battles.

I also think you sound petty.

I’m afraid you do sound jealous, not that your ex has another DP but that she’s forming a relationship with your daughter. I must admit I can understand it would be difficult, I hate the idea of my children having another mother if me and DH broke up, but at the same time I’d want his new partner to take this much interest in the child, if they stay together she’ll be her stepmum. I have a couple of friends that are step parents and honestly they take this much interest in their children, one of them does most of the raising as her and the father have custody and she’s a SAHM.
If your daughter has concerns or complaints then fair enough, but really I think it’s fine.

@therona of course it's her business who her daughter speaks to!

I’d have to say something. The phone call is to talk to her dad not current gf. Contact us with her dad not current gf.

Sounds a bit like the green-eyed-monster is coming out here! I know it's hard that there's another woman in your dds life, but you need to accept the fact that your ex has moved on and is in a relationship.
If you look at it from the other side, if you had a new partner that was serious and living with you, would you expect that he not be doing stuff for your child? Would you not want him to have a relationship with her?
As much as it may hurt, this woman may be a part of your dds life now, and so it's best to keep her on your side. It's much easier all round, and can sometimes work in your favour, especially if your ex is being an idiot over something, you may be able to use her to make him see sense.

my ex and I have 50/50 shared parenting - my advice is pick your battles, of which there will be many, a little bit of facetime on phone with your daughter, will not be a battle to pick.

when there's something that you really disagree with, having gone over the smaller battles will take the punch out of your words when it comes to something really important.

I would let this one slide. In the grand scheme of things, DD won't be effected by seeing a face of someone she's known one screen for a while, and trust me I know the feelings of annoyance when I have ex H gf facetiming DS and taking over the whole call (she's very controlling) but I let it go because there will be more serious issues in the future.

Good luck

Agree with PP I think it sounds a bit like jealousy that another woman is forming a relationship with your DD sorry OP.

of course it's my business, I'm her mum!

Well it is and it isn't though. It's not up to you to determine who your daughter spends time with and talks to when she's with her dad. And I don't think having a chat on the phone with her GF for a few minutes is the end of the world either. Unless your daughter specifically says she doesn't want to speak to her of course then that's different but it doesn't sound like she has, your post is all about how you feel not what your DD has told you she feels.

Is the GF looking after her more now because of lockdown? I'm looking after my step children most of my husband's days now because he is still working and I'm not and of course the children aren't in school so it's the logical solution.

Regardless though, as I say it's up to her dad who she spends time with on his contact days not you unfortunately.

Plus it sounds like the GF must be nice to your DD if she's speaking to her on the phone and looking after her whilst her partner works. Lots of step children don't have that. Sometimes people the have opposite problem with the new girlfriend, showing their disdain for her kids, dad suddenly not seeing them as much etc... I'd be happy that she obviously likes and treats my child well tbh.

I’d have to say something. The phone call is to talk to her dad not current gf. Contact us with her dad not current gf

Does it really matter though? This sounds like it would be all about you and how you feel about it and nothing to do with your child. Why does it matter?

Contact is for the child to see their other parent, that also sometimes involves their family, partner, other siblings etc...

So what that she has a quick chat with your kid on the phone? It's jealousy, nothing more.

If mum had a friend round who knew and spent lots of time with DD would you care if friend said a quick hello/chat? The only reason is because it's a girlfriend and you don't like it.