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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex's girlfriend too involved?

75 replies

Estill · 08/05/2020 00:56

Ex and I have DD, aged 5, shared parenting. We both speak to DD every 2 days depending on who she is with. Recently, when talking to her dad I have heard him say 'I'll pass you onto girlfriend now'. Then DD chats to GF and asks to speak to her dad again. It happens nearly every phone call every 2 days. I'm a bit annoyed because the calls are for her dad (when she is with me) not his girlfriend. Plus, at the moment, GF is also spending every other week with DD. Why does she need to speak on the phone as well? I feel its a bit too much to have this much contact. DD does not even speak to my parents (DD's grandparents) this often.

Also, whenever DD returns from her dad's she usually says her dad has been working and girlfriend has been looking after her. What's the point in spending more time at her dad's if it's the GF looking after her most of the time?

Ex has big habit of controlling relationships and pushing people together (he did it with me a lot). Although GF seems very nice I'm a bit concerned about DD - seems she is having GF pushed on her when she just wants to speak/spend time with her dad.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 08/05/2020 08:57

He has to work though. And someone needs to look after DD. Maybe she could stay at yours while he works?

ChockyBicky · 08/05/2020 09:13

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, she has two parents you and her father.
If her father is unable to have her due to work or other commitments she should be with you her mum not babysat by some other woman when she could be with her mother.

I'd be rearranging so that she spends time with you and time with her dad whoever else is there keeping her dad company at the time is fine.

The phone calls seems trivial as it's just a conversation but giving up my time as a mum so someone else can play mum would be my problem.

diddl · 08/05/2020 09:25

I agree that it's a good thing that your daughter & her dad's gf get on.

But if he often isn't there-then you aren't sharing the parenting are you?

How did he managed before his gf moved in?

NamechangeOnceMore · 08/05/2020 09:31

You sound jealous, I'm afraid. It's up to Dad, not you, what happens on Dad's contact time - unless there are safeguarding issues, which this isn't. I agree with PP who have suggested you pick your battles. Focus on enjoying your own contact time with your daughter, and try to be supportive of her relationship with her dad's partner. If this is a serious relationship, this partner could be on the scene for years, even forever, and it'll make everyone's life much easier if you all get on.

RonSwansonIsBuff · 08/05/2020 09:31

I think this is why it's important to determine whether this is a lockdown thing.

Kids aren't in school at the moment remember, it's harder now than it was last year for parents to care for their kids and work. I've been looking after my SC whilst my DH works. I'm not working so it's the logical solution. He still wants his evenings with them and their mum still has to work too.

If this is because he's struggling to source an alternative due to the current situation then I think he's just in the same position as a lot of other parents right now trying to make do.

Bbang · 08/05/2020 09:36

You’re getting a bit of a (predictable) hard time on this thread.

For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re being petty, jealous or control. Why must jealously always be the default when it’s two women? It’s so tiresome.

It must be frustrating when dad is the parent and should be parenting his child accordingly but he isn’t, he is choosing to absolve lots of his responsibility and duties on to a person your daughter isn’t related to. This probably and understandably makes you feel nervous and confused, it’s not unreasonable for you to want your child’s parents to be the only ones in the co-parenting relationship for now.

It’s hard being a co-parent at the best of times let alone if you’re unsure of how to handle a new situation, l would do as above and take your child’s lead on things and maintain open lines of communication with her. Maybe she’ll get used to things and it will be fine or maybe she’ll need some extra support when GF moves in with dad. Just keep an eye on things, and I say this all from a step parent perspective.

WorraLiberty · 08/05/2020 09:39

Of course it's unreasonable, we're in lockdown. He's working and schools are closed.

And unless he has a 24 hour job, he'll be seeing his DD after work like most working parents do.

Rainbow12e · 08/05/2020 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RonSwansonIsBuff · 08/05/2020 09:43

Why must jealously always be the default when it’s two women? It’s so tiresome

It's not about it being two women. It's about a parent accepting another adult in their child's lives. My DH was jealous at first when his kids started spending time with his exes partner. They live together now and I know he didn't like it at first.

But it doesn't mean people can't point out that it's best for the children if you move past that feeling (or at least as much as you can) and get on with it.

It's part of life as a separated parent. No one is saying it's easy, I certainly am not saying I don't understand the feelings. But the likelihood was always that one day your child would have a new gf/bf in their lives who may eventually go on to be a SM/SD. Accepting that and picking your battles makes it a hell of a lot easier imo.

zaphodbeeble · 08/05/2020 09:46

Do you have a new partner op ?

ConnieDoodle · 08/05/2020 09:51

Really odd responses here.

Op, was he active parent before you split? Not just fun time / following instructions? Did he do hi share of household tasks?

Im wondering whether your concern is be found someone to replace the responsible role in parenting because he can’t be arsed.

Flumo · 08/05/2020 10:11

You sound a bit like my ex, I've always been quite happy with his girlfriend having a part in the kids life. Shes apart of his life and they are apart for his life, I would hate for her not to want to be involved or to dislike being around them. I got with my partner about 6 months after them 2, hes absolutely amazing with my 2 they have alot more time with me and my partner and my ex hates it. Tells me he shouldn't be having time alone with them(its being nearly 4 years with him plus I'm nearly due his baby) he blames him for them not wanting to speak or gets angry if he can hear my partner on the phone when they ring him. But that's the kind of man he is, I had to get emergency accommodation to get away from him. All control, try think about when you find a man that you want around your dd.

Bbang · 08/05/2020 10:12

That’s not at all my point or what I was referencing @Worra and @Ron

RonSwansonIsBuff · 08/05/2020 10:15

Yes, I was stating that MY point wasn't that it was jealous simply because they are two women as you seemed to suggest in your post. I would have said (and have said to my own DH), the same thing had the OP been male.

And as I've also said, it's impossible to say anything about the current situation until we've determined whether it's because of lockdown, in which case he's in the exact same situation as thousands of other parents, or whether he's always passed parenting on.

MNHQ

JoMumsnet · 08/05/2020 10:20

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic - the OP didn't intend to post in AIBU.

Bbang · 08/05/2020 10:22

Well like I said @Ron you’ve got it wrong and misinterpreted what I was saying. Easily done online, not sure the need for shouty capitals I was just saying that’s not the point I was referencing.

SandyY2K · 08/05/2020 10:28

I think people are missing the point...its about her Ex forcing the relationship between DD and his GF, not about jealousy.

Her DD never asks to speak to the GF...and if he's spending his contact time working...it sounds like another case of a GF being used as a free babysitter.

The number of SMs looking after Step children, just shows the dads need another woman to take on their share of the parenting.

funinthesun19 · 08/05/2020 10:31

I do think there’s some truth in how women feel towards each other e.g. jealousy and bitterness. It’s like it’s more satisfying to direct anger and upset towards the new girlfriend/the ex wife whichever side of the fence you’re on, than it is the man.

Original poster

Estill · 08/05/2020 10:31

God, all those saying I am jealous and petty really predictable. Please give me an example when you've been in my position! A lot of judgemental people on here

Yes I do have a boyfriend - not sure why this is relevant. He gets on very well with DD. However, I wouldn't be encouraging him to be chatting to DD every couple of days when she is with her dad. It's just not needed. Boyfriend also has a daughter who I've only met a couple of times as she is mostly with her mum who lives in another country. Again, we are taking it slow and I wouldn't dream of pushing myself into some SM role when she already has a mother.

@ConnieDoodle yes exactly, very hands on and active beforehand. I suppose I think it's a shame for DD as she had full attention from her father before and now doesn't. All time with her dad is also with GF.

OP posts:

RonSwansonIsBuff · 08/05/2020 10:52

Lots of people here have been in your position OP, they are also allowed to disagree with you. You posted for opinions and got them, I'm sorry that some of them weren't what you wanted.

Has this situation where the GF has been looking after your DD whilst her dad works just been occurring since lockdown? Is that the reason? If so he is allowed to get anyone he sees fit to look after his daughter during his contact time, you don't get to dictate that I'm afraid.

So long as there is no safeguarding concerns it really is best to leave your ex to parent how he chooses at his house/on his time and you at yours.

I certainly wouldn't be kicking up a fuss about something as trivial as a quick chat on the phone when she speaks to your ex. If you don't like the fact that she looks after your DD whilst he works maybe suggest she comes to you during those times instead? If that's not an option though and your ex needs to work then he is capable of deciding who looks after her during his time, just as you are when she's with you.

baileys6904 · 08/05/2020 11:17

OK so my DP has kids with his ex. I get on brilliantly with them, they jump on facetime to me, message me independently, on social media etc. We have a nice, relaxed relationship and they are happy.
Their mum has a relationship where partner doesn't really engage with them, doesn't have the same relationship at all. To that account, they are not so happy.
My ex who I share a child with has a partner and I know how tough it is. However surely the happiness of the child is more important than anything. They will also feed off you, and if they know you're not happy, that will affect them. You are and always will be their mum. I am very conscious to make sure DPs kids know that, always defer to her decision or tell them to ask her about things if needed. Much as it's tricky and emotional, working with them rather than against them is better for the child, and doesn't diminish your position in anyway

aSofaNearYou · 08/05/2020 11:30

Phone etiquette is a minefield. Chances are, they just think it's normal to have a quick chat with everybody in the house when you ring someone up. I remember this happening to me loads as a kid, and I found it tedious because most kids don't really like being on the phone. Why don't they just facetime simultaneously, rather than talk one at a time?

There would be outrage on MN if a step mum made it clear she wasn't bothered about not seeing her stepchild, they may be just trying to make a point of her still being interested so DD doesn't think she doesn't care.

You are really picking the wrong battles during lockdown, most of this can't be helped. There are bound to be times when DDs parents are working and she will need to put up with it, because schools have closed and work hasn't. Kids are having to learn to be more patient. The only problem I see is if his GF doesn't want to be taking on these duties and he's pushing her into it, but that's not really your concern, it's theirs.

harriethoyle · 08/05/2020 11:57

Nowhere have you said your daughter is unhappy with either the phone call sharing or the SM picking up the slack when F is working. You sound like you are using this situation to weaponise contact and it's not on. If your daughter's happy, be thankful for that and leave well alone.

Original poster

Estill · 08/05/2020 13:28

@harriethoyle weaponise contact? Wtf? I've said further up my daughter has commented on her dad always working and yes I think it's unfair for DD to have GF as a substitute! You have obviously misinterpreted what I have said.

OP posts:

Devlesko · 08/05/2020 13:39

maybe the gf will soon realise what your ex is like for pushing people together.
I agree with you, she has a mother, it's her father she is supposed to be seeing not his gf.

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