Ex's girlfriend too involved?

[Estill]

Ex and I have DD, aged 5, shared parenting. We both speak to DD every 2 days depending on who she is with. Recently, when talking to her dad I have heard him say 'I'll pass you onto girlfriend now'. Then DD chats to GF and asks to speak to her dad again. It happens nearly every phone call every 2 days. I'm a bit annoyed because the calls are for her dad (when she is with me) not his girlfriend. Plus, at the moment, GF is also spending every other week with DD. Why does she need to speak on the phone as well? I feel its a bit too much to have this much contact. DD does not even speak to my parents (DD's grandparents) this often.

Also, whenever DD returns from her dad's she usually says her dad has been working and girlfriend has been looking after her. What's the point in spending more time at her dad's if it's the GF looking after her most of the time?

Ex has big habit of controlling relationships and pushing people together (he did it with me a lot). Although GF seems very nice I'm a bit concerned about DD - seems she is having GF pushed on her when she just wants to speak/spend time with her dad.

[RonSwansonIsBuff]

I've asked this so many times now...

Is this a lockdown thing? Is it because he has to work and your DD is not in school and therefore your ex is having to make do with what he can so he can carry on working (like thousands of other parents)?

If you don't like it. Ask to have your DD when he's working. If you can't because you're working yourself then you've no right to dictate who he can / can't have to look after his child during his contact to allow him to go to work.

[RonSwansonIsBuff]

she has a mother, it's her father she is supposed to be seeing not his gf

Considering the current situation and thousands of parents struggling with childcare and work at the moment I don't think we have enough information to determine whether or not it's unreasonable.

If OP is working herself and can't have DD during these occasions then it's not unreasonable for dad to ask his partner during his contact time. He has to work.

If OP isn't working, then she can ask to have her DD back when he is working. She can't expect her ex not to go to work just so their DD isn't looked after by the GF who is able and willing and who dad obviously trusts.

Thousands of parents are just having to find the best solution to a shit situation at the moment to allow them to carry on paying their bills.

[opticaldelusion]

I love that the dad's partner is dismissed as 'some other woman'. Mumsnet literally despises second relationships. It's tedious, predictable and petty.

If a new girlfriend is uninterested in a child she's a bitch. If she tries to make an effort she's an interfering bitch.

[Mintjulia]

My ex does that, and I usually let my DS get on with it. He'll hang up if he's bored or doesn't want to talk to her, so it's his choice - he's 11.

However Ex hasn't been near us since lockdown, but facetiming instead. The other day I heard the girlfriend say to DS "Ooh, is that your sitting room..."

Err, no! How rude and a massively intrusive step too far. I killed the router so the video link died. I've explained to ex why that won't be happening again.

[RonSwansonIsBuff]

Because she asked if that was his living room? Really?

Get a grip.

[RonSwansonIsBuff]

Surely her dad is still seeing her during the evenings/when he's home from work? Really it's not different to the times he saw her when she was in school all day whilst he worked. The difference obviously being schools are now closed and so he's had to find an alternative source of childcare during the day.

[harriethoyle]

@ronswansonisbuff OP won't answer any query that doesn't suit her narrative. You're talking perfect sense but she'll ignore you because you're not piling on the gf. Too boringly predictable.

Yep @opticaldelusion! Spot on

[Mintjulia]

@ronswansonisbuff I don't go to their house and peer in their windows,

It's sorted though thanks to Zoom.

[LemonTT]

We can agree that the OPs approach to step parenting is better. Personally I do. But she isn’t in a position legally to impose that on her ex. I think that practically she won’t be able to either without dragging her DD into it one way or another. And by that I mean the ex may manipulate the situation with his daughter.

OP step parenting is not usually as rewarding as people think it will be. If the girlfriend is around in a few more years she will find this out. There is no unconditional bond in the relationship and it is much harder because of that.

Your role in this will be to help your daughter navigate having a step parent. And regretfully maybe a series of step parents.

[RonSwansonIsBuff]

I don't go to their house and peer in their windows

No and if she'd done that I'd have agreed with you but if you're on a video camera with someone, you may expect that person to be able to see the room that you are in.

Cutting the video link because she asked if that was his sitting room is so dramatic. What on earth do you have to hide in your living room? Is it really that important to you that your exes partner doesn't know what your living room looks like?

[Hopkinsscar]

I would just be glad your ex has a partner who is interested. You could be on here posting about his gf being nasty to your 5 year old, ignoring her, etc. I know which type id rather have for my kids!

[Mintjulia]

I am entitled to relax in my own home without intrusion. I don't want someone who is wholly unconnected to me, popping up in my living room without an invitation. So no, I don't think cutting the link is dramatic.

I've adjusted the tech to allow everyone to be happy with the situation. Seems quite reasonable to me.

[RonSwansonIsBuff]

Well each to their own, I still think it's a very OTT reaction to her asking if that was his sitting room.

I'm assuming you knew he was talking to his dad/his partner? If you don't want them to be able to see any part of your house, maybe video calling isn't the best idea.

[Aerial2020]

I think picking battles here.
If you have a good enough relationship with your ex that you can speak to him about this (I'm guessing not) and saying your daughter would like more time on the phone with him then great.
If not, let it go.
You cant control this and don't want this annoyance to be picked up by your daughter. She will internalise it as her fault. She will be adjusting to all of this herself anyway.
If the gf is a nice person and is building a relationship with your DD then that's surely a good thing?
Is speaking on the phone to her for a few mins really worth your energy on this?
When your DD is older she will have her own phone anyway and will be able to decide.
It's hard but I've learnt as mine have got older to let things like this go. For my own sanity.

[Kabakofte]

I have been on your position with regard to my kids going to my exs but then hearing that the gf would be looking after them whilst he went off doing a hobby, not every time but enough to feel annoyed that for the limited time he had them they didn't seem to be his priority. His gf to be fair was fine but more matronly than motherly, I would bite my tongue as I knew they were safe and looked after and ultimately if he couldn't see it wasn't ideal he certainly wasn't going to listen to me. The kids pulled away from going as frequently as they got older and their dad now gets that he could have been better and its too late to get that time back. I can't say I'm glad, I wish it had been different but he was the other parent and that's the path he chose. With regard to the phone that didn't happen but oddly enough as an adult (I'm 40+) when I talk to my dad in the phone he always then insists on me then talking to his wife, I like the woman but it is a bit odd. I think he wants her to feel included, it's always short and I'm obviously polite, it's tolerable. I wouldn't let it get to you, it in no way takes away from your relationship with her. Focus on cementing all that is good in your relationship with your daughter. I have a solid relationship with my kids and I actually feel sorry for their dad that he doesn't have the same.

[ActuallyItsEugene]

It's tough OP, but I'd be grateful that their relationship is so good.

She's your daughter, no one can, will or want to take that away from you.
Her getting on with his GF doesn't change that.

If it bothers you that much then speak to your Ex, be prepared for it to blow up in your face though. As annoying as it is, you've no say in who her dad allows around her.

I suspect that if you did bring it up your Ex would use it as a stick to beat you with anyway.
Try your best to bite your tongue, if DD brings up the GF just say 'that's nice love' and then move on.

[BillHadersNewWife]

Unless you want more contact, why shouldn't the gf look after your ds? During your exes contact it's his choice how he manages childcare surely?

[FortunesFave]

I think that as your son grows OP, he's going to have more and more people in his life...who influence him and so on. You'll need to chill out a bit.

It's a bit weird of you in my opinion to complain your ex has someone looking after him during his time....what else should he do?

Would you prefer your ex to have less time and you look after DS?

[OhCaptain]

Does it matter? DD commented that her dad worked a lot but not that she was unhappy? I assume she wasn't upset or you would have said.

So, why does it matter? DD is happy and safe. He could be with a complete witch and there wouldn't be a lot you could do about it. But he's not. He's with someone who's good to your dd, who she gets on with, who she's happy with.

So - does it matter?

[booboo24]

I also think you come across as jealous and the behaviour seems petty. Inwould be glad that the new girlfriend is taking an interest in her and being kind to her, that's far better than her ignoring her!

[WaterOffADucksCrack]

The other day I heard the girlfriend say to DS "Ooh, is that your sitting room..." Err, no! How rude and a massively intrusive step too far. I killed the router so the video link died. I've explained to ex why that won't be happening again You sound like you need help and support as this is a really extreme reaction. If I was your ex I'd be very concerned about your mental health and what you were teaching the child! Unplugging the router because she asked if the room he was in was his sitting room?! My son gave his dads girlfriend a tour of our house on Skype! I'd hate him to feel as though he couldn't share both his homes with both his parents.

OP you sound very petty. It's perfectly normal for her to speak to her dad's partner. I'm happy my son gets along with his dad's girlfriend, it would be awful otherwise. I actually get along better with her than my ex. Unless your daughter's said she's unhappy with it I wouldn't give any thought to it.

My stepsons mum didn't like me speaking to him on the phone, he would ask as we have majority care so he missed us and she would say no or just hang up. She's been perfectly happy to not see him or call him for 5 weeks though in case we give her covid! She isn't vulnerable or anything it's just her latest excuse!

[myangelalex]

In all honesty is there anything you can do about the situation?

How the ex behaves during his contact visits is up to him and his gf however irritating it is. I'm sure he is doing it to upset you, so don't let it. Provided DD is not unhappy with the setup I'd stop getting worked up about it. It's just falling into your ex's trap.

[Nicolastuffedone]

Does your child like her dad’s girlfriend op? Mintjulia you’re a nutcase! 😂

[Menora]

I’m in the position of the OP and 10 years ago or however long it was my ex met his GF and she became a fixture of being there 24/7.
But this is normal if people live together! Where do you expect her to go when your DD is at his house and he goes to work? Would you like him to bring her home every time? You are trying to dictate how he parents, who with, how long the calls are, what he does on the calls and the hard truth of the matter... no it is not any of your business, even if you are the mum, you are no longer a couple. Also just because you do X and Y in your own life doesn’t mean he has to as well

I actually really like my exes partner she is a nice woman who cares about my kids

I would only get involved if the child is upset about any of it