Partner suddenly left after 16years and I’m heartbroken

[27Kirkham]

So a few weeks ago my partner woke up and out the blue said he didn’t love me anymore, he said he didn’t want to be just a ‘mummy and daddy’ anymore and wasn’t fulfilled growing old with someone that was his best friend and he wanted more. I asked if there was anybody else and he said there wasn’t and he was severely depressed with his life. We have been building our dream home Over the last 12months and were due to move in before lockdown hit so have been living with my parents for the last year whilst the build was happening. I know this has took a strain on our relationship in regards to intimacy and our own space but it was only going to be for a short period of time. He immediately packed a bag and left my and our two year old son stating he needed space and wasn’t open to talking through anything as he needs to find what makes him happy. I’ve been reading up on depression and trying to send him things over that will help guide him to get some counselling and help but he just seems to be burying his head in the sand and continuing with his normal routine of work then seeing our little boy. I can’t eat, sleep or function. I’m struggling to be a good mum to our little boy as each morning it all hits me like train. The days my little boy goes to stay with him I just bury my head in bed and don’t want to see the light of day. I’m unsure of what to do for the best, leave him to his own devices or pursue trying to help him through this. We have never had any problems or arguments in the past and this has completely floored me

[YinMnBlue]

OP, so sorry. This is so brutal for you.

I agree with the advice of PP. do not contact him or engage with him at all. And I wouldn’t go out if my way to facilitate access to your son, either.

I’m not saying be obstructive or block access.

Just don’t mother him or fuss over him (which sending articles about depression is).

Let him find out for himself what fending for himself emotionally entails.

[Butterfly44]

This is EXACTLY what happened recently to a friend of mine. To the letter, same lines. And she tried hard to understand he was depressed, being kind, giving space, arranging counselling he was adamant he didn't want but went anyway. Pushed her away, definitely didn't love her anymore, still wanted to see kids though, but needed to find himself.
Few weeks later found out yes he had met someone else. He didn't want the grief, and pushed away because it's best to not be reminded of past and what makes you feel bad right when you're secretly free and having a good time.
No one just all of the sudden wakes up and wants to leave. It's something that has been building up. His head has been turned but he won't tell you because it would hurt you and he would lose face for walking out on the family. Depression is a cover. You don't become depressed and lose love for your partner at the exact same time. Suggest counselling and see what he says. I bet he will say no to anything you suggest. Because he's no interest in getting better or coming back. Sorry OP. 💐 Surround yourself with friends and family, talk and don't be afraid to ask for help.

[OliveToboogie]

Sorry but I'm sure their os OW. He is just too much on a coward to tell you the truth. Stop engaging with him and look after yourself. You deserve better.

[SandyY2K]

Sometimes one party thinks everything is fine, but the other is not so happy.
Having said that, I think doing it during lockdown makes me suspicious that there's more to it on his side.

[Scott72]

@theseriousmoonlight good point. He has the right to leave the relationship. However leaving in such a fashion is just inexcusable. Depression cannot be used as an excuse for such poor behavior. He owes OP a sincere apology, at least. And if there is another woman, cut him off.

[TheStoic]

If a woman posted that she'd fallen out of love with her husband, was no longer sexually attracted to him, viewed him just as a friend, she'd get a very different reaction from "she has realised she isn't happy and it is her happiness that is the most important thing. It is not rational.." etc.

No kidding. I can’t imagine why that might be. 🤔

[Patch23042]

Don’t keep messaging him with medical advice OP. He’s uninterested and let’s be honest, it probably isn’t relevant anyway.

Focus on yourself and your son. Sort out the finance and practicalities.

[chatterbugmegastar]

Take care of you and your child

[Coffeecak3]

He's not depressed, he's just trying to justify his change in behaviour because he's not quite ready to tell you he's got another woman.

[TossaCointoYerWitcher]

I think because there have been no red flags before this it is why so many people are blaming an OW or depression.

For what it's worth, my experience with my ex-wife was almost word-for-word what happened with the OP and her husband (yes, I even sent her articles on depression). There was, indeed, an OM however her reasoning was still "she has realised she isn't happy and it is her happiness that is the most important thing. It is not rational..." regardless!

That said, having seen posts from women in a similar position to my ex, I'm not convinced they would get off lightly. Maybe a few more defenders, but generally still a lot of heat, regardless of the gender.

[Thrivingnotjustsurviving]

Another one popping up to say mine was 'depressed' too when he left for another woman. If you read that link to The Script a PP posted you'll find it all rings true. Time to focus on yourself and your needs

[DeeCeeCherry]

He's got someone else. They ALWAYS use the 'depressed and need to find myself' line. It's in The Script. Women nearly always fall for it, and turn guilt onto themselves. You see it on here all the time, thread saying No OP he hasn't got another woman. Pages or new thread later, it turns out he has.

He's walked out on you and your child. Absolutely don't send him depression info. Bet he's self-diagnosed🙄. I recall a friend going through similar, we're in London, her 'depressed DP' took himself all the way to Leeds to 'find himself'. She too worriedly sent him info. 2 month's later she discovered he had an OW and was living with her (it didn't last).

I hope you access some legal advice OP. He's depending on you being blindsided whilst he gets his new life together. He's gone. It's hurtful but, build a new life for you & DC too, this man doesn't deserve you💐

[YappityYapYap]

I've never heard of a man just upping and leaving without someone else being involved. I know that sounds very narrow minded but it's actually my experience. Well not my own personal experience but from friends and hearing about it

[ShouldWeChangeTheBulb]

@YappityYapYap
I agree

[lilmishap]

Are you sure the intimacy issue was down to being at your parents?
It's clear one of you has been in the dark about the others feelings for a while.
There was a site mentioned on here about men who do sudden exits and he is ticking all the boxes, the casual way they will announce it out of the blue and then the depression, or the urgent need to reassess everything, the total lack of concern or awareness that you are left reeling, always followed by a new woman who turns out to be not so new.

The thread Some Friendly Words is not only packed full of fab posters, it's such a long running thread that it starts during A split, before she knows about OW, several posters were certain there was one. They were proved right months into it, and he was still lying to her about this woman being 'just an ex' for ages after. That thread really opened my eyes.
There is a pattern and script, he is following it.
Hunker down, prepare for the worst. Have wine.

This is the site

[Palmtree76]

OP I sympathise having been in an identical situation in January.

However I’m going to go against the grain and say THE OTHER WOMAN DOES NOT ALWAYS EXIST. I know lots of posters here are being helpful trying to share their own circumstances, but It was a dagger to my heart when I shared my own story and got a million posters telling me to wait for an OW to come out of the shadows.

It wasn’t like that for me- partner had always been depressed and we had slipped into mundane druggery and were not happy. We were like friends who shared a bed. We need time apart to learn what we really want from life; although I couldn’t see it at the time, I do now.

My partner too sprung it one me (NYE to be precise!) and it was completely out of the blue. Shocked me to my core. But he was like a different person after he’d said it- like there was a weight off. He’s now happily alone as am I- thinking about working on myself and prioritising what I want instead of dedicating my life to
Someone who didn’t give a shit about me.

Take some time to figure out what you want, as painful as it is right be right now. It does get easier.

[Lozzerbmc]

I’m sorry this has happened its awful and totally devastating. I’d back off trying to support him
and focus on yourself. You need care and support! He needs to sort himself out. I hope he does. There was another women when my exh said he didnt love me anymore but its not always the case. Leave him be, let him miss you. Focus on looking after yourself and your son. Good luck

[Onthedunes]

Are you married.?
if you are, this is how I would play it.
Like the previous poster said he has blindsided you.
You have absolutely no information.
You are in the dark.

I would hire a private investigator for a day giving the address of your mother's house.
If you get proof there is someone, you start getting your financial stuff in order, getting help from close family.
Keep texting him appearing to be concerned about the depression.

You need to be informed to be able to make informed choices.
AS this could go on for months stringing you along.

Irrifutable proof will blow any future arguments into the water concerning child maintenance or divorce and property settlements.

He is currently playing the victim.
Hopefully for your sake he is and is indeed suffering from depression.


Sending heartfelt support.

[Onthedunes]

Just to add, that sounded incredibly harsh and obviously if he is suffering with depression, I hope you all get the support that is needed.

I tend to be too cynical...

[ABlackRussian]

Forget about the fact that there may be another woman (for now).

Don't keep sending him numbers and info.. if he is feeling depressed that will make him feel worse and under pressure. For now, I would take his word for it.

Maybe check up on him, every few days, with a breezy message, or let him know how your day has been, at the end of each day. But back off a bit, emotionally.

These times are strange and everyone is feeling different. Perhaps he just does need space.

Try and do you best you can with what you have. If it's meant to be, it'll come right.

That said..a man will never intentionally make his life more difficult. He's going for the easy option: whether that's space away from you or getting closer to someone else.

Good luck.

[saffy1234]

Hi @27Kirkham just wanted to say I'm in completely the same position.3 weeks ago today my husband did this to me (on my birthday) said the same things,please ignore the OW comments for now they always seem like a massive dog.
I'm been NC with him apart from him collecting his children and he has made several comments which indicate he isn't happy in his new single life in a rented place.Yesterday he blew up completely and mentioned how I'd deleted 'I love my husband ' from twitter -which caused him to block me.He makes comments about my 'new bloke' who doesn't exist.I think mine is going through some major issues he is angry one minute and the next trying to be fun and jokey with me when he drops DC.It will get better,it's 3 weeks on and I feel a lot better.I just wish I knew what was going on he won't speak to anyone about it and doesn't want people knowing we have split xxx

[Zaphodsotherhead]

It doesn't really matter though, does it, whether there's an OW or not? The end result is the same; OP is left, holding the baby, not knowing what's going on. I admit that knowing about an OW can give you the anger that drives you on through the divorce, but for the day to day, getting through life thing, WHY he's gone is less important than the fact that he's left.

If you are with your parents, OP, let them support you. Don't bother being kind to your DH, he isn't kind to you. If he's depressed he can find his own route to helping himself. Take care of yourself, cry, sob and work out FOR YOU where you go from here.

[saffy1234]

I totally agree with @Zaphodsotherhead it's happened and you have to focus on you,the minute I stopped obsessing over the whys and how come and trying to analyse I felt better xx

[VictoriaBun]

The op made 3 comments on the first day of posting ( 7th May ) and never came back. This thread died out after a few days .

[passerbye]

Hope OP is ok