Partner suddenly left after 16years and I’m heartbroken

[27Kirkham]

So a few weeks ago my partner woke up and out the blue said he didn’t love me anymore, he said he didn’t want to be just a ‘mummy and daddy’ anymore and wasn’t fulfilled growing old with someone that was his best friend and he wanted more. I asked if there was anybody else and he said there wasn’t and he was severely depressed with his life. We have been building our dream home Over the last 12months and were due to move in before lockdown hit so have been living with my parents for the last year whilst the build was happening. I know this has took a strain on our relationship in regards to intimacy and our own space but it was only going to be for a short period of time. He immediately packed a bag and left my and our two year old son stating he needed space and wasn’t open to talking through anything as he needs to find what makes him happy. I’ve been reading up on depression and trying to send him things over that will help guide him to get some counselling and help but he just seems to be burying his head in the sand and continuing with his normal routine of work then seeing our little boy. I can’t eat, sleep or function. I’m struggling to be a good mum to our little boy as each morning it all hits me like train. The days my little boy goes to stay with him I just bury my head in bed and don’t want to see the light of day. I’m unsure of what to do for the best, leave him to his own devices or pursue trying to help him through this. We have never had any problems or arguments in the past and this has completely floored me

wasn’t fulfilled growing old with someone that was his best friend and he wanted more
This kind of comment does, unfortunately, come up when someone is comparing the first days of a current infatuation with the normal everyday ins and outs of a long-term relationship.

They don't tend to admit it, even if you ask nicely. Are you sure there haven't been any changes in your relationship or in his behaviour that you might have thought were due to the stress of being at your parents'? For example, was he going to bed early, coming home at different times, or spending more time in front of a screen? Has he recently got any new colleagues? Taken up a sport/hobby? Recent interest in a new music type or author? New clothes?

Nothing to stop you continuing to be your usual thoughtful self and trying to help with his depression, but you have already led him to the water; you can't make him drink. And however open-minded and optimistic you are that he's not got an OW, it doesn't hurt to look out for signs.

Can't help thinking that someone who was having an affair could easily take advantage of the fact that no-one can easily check on him right now and move into this house with his OW for a few weeks of undisturbed fun. That way he'd have until the end of lockdown to see if he really wants to be with OW and it might have a future, or (if it's not so great) declare that he's willing to give it another go and come back home.

My advice is quite hardcore but I think it is sensible.

Stop sending him information on depression. He doesn't want to engage with you then stop engaging.

Don't facilitate any child time. Let him come to you if he wants to speak to his child or see him on video and in photos. Let him ask.

Focus in your baby and your own health.

He is not in your strong team anymore, he chose to leave so let him be left.

I would bet my house on there being someone else. I'm sorry. Whatever is going on he isn't reliable any more and you have to focus on you and your child.

@Weallhavevalidopinions while what you say is completely true, it is more likely unfortunately that it's not true in this case.

he didn’t love me anymore, he said he didn’t want to be just a ‘mummy and daddy’ anymore and wasn’t fulfilled growing old with someone that was his best friend and he wanted more. I asked if there was anybody else and he said there wasn’t and he was severely depressed with his life.

To me, it sounds as though he is unhappy with his situation. Ie, his responsibilities. He doesn't want to be part of a family so he has left them.

In case I'm wrong, which I obviously could be, maybe the OP could let her partner's mum/family know what has happened. Let them reach out to him and then she can focus on her own MH and her son.

I’ve sent him articles and numbers to call regarding his depression but he isn’t engaging in it. I’m so worried about his mental health now he is isolated on his own

Who's worrying about you OP ? Stop sending him Depression info.. he's not depressed.. he simply wanted out... he's woke up and ended his relationship, packed a bag and walked... meanwhile you're literally ill worrying about him.. is he worrying about you NOPE... is he sending you helpful supportive information.. NOPE.. fuck him.. you lady need to look after You and your DS .. please eat and stay healthy

Tbh living with my in-laws for a full year would depress the hell out of me.

I know this has took a strain on our relationship in regards to intimacy and our own space

I mean, what are we talking about here? No intimacy at all? No own space at all? Do you have your own living area, does your son have his own bedroom? Have you been able to even just kiss and cuddle the odd time?

My ex said he had depression. Turns out it was OW.

I'm so sorry OP. I dont really have any new advice I'm afraid, just want to offer my sympathy. My DH did similar to me so I understand how you feel. He woke up one day said he wasn't 'in' love with me then over the next 2 weeks said he was depressed, didn't want to be a step dad (we have none of our own DC) and left. I haven't seen him since. He wasn't willing to talk or try and work things through and had already decided I wouldn't support him without giving me an opportunity. I believe he started to get help and he told me he had a session with a counsellor. He tells me she told him it was an impossible situation and wouldn't work so he told me by text that he wouldn't be back. I was devastated and like you, couldn't eat, sleep or function for a while. It did get better though and every day became easier. I found writing a list of all his bad points helped! I used to read it every day. I also tried to do something which made me smile every day. I had great support from friends and family and I'm now 6 months down the line and feeling much better about it all. I wouldn't be surprised if there was someone else but luckily i don't have to find out as I dont see him. Unfortunately it's going to be harder for you as you will have to have contact with him. If you're worried about him being alone the ask one of his friends to look out for him. You need to focus on you and DC. Take care 💐

I asked if there was someone else and he said there isn't*

Well he would say that wouldn't he?
You may well find that there is someone else. So sorry OP.

SunshineCake

Has it in a nut shell

Move into your new property and start making a life for yourselves, not the life you had thought but a life all the same - that can be good.

That's such a shock for you OP. I can see how you'd be completely floored with it. I think the only thing you can do is take him at his word that he wants to leave and get on with re-building your own life. Move into the property, start doing things for you and try and get over the upset and shock. That's really easy to type, very hard to do, but you have to move on otherwise it could wreck your own state of mind. Who knows he may want to re-discuss later, perhaps after he has sought help.

In my experience, this kind of depression usually presents as a woman on her back with her legs in the air.

Sorry to be harsh but I have lived through this and seen it happen to friends and without fail they all left for someone else. In a couple of cases it wasnt because of an affair but because their head had been turned and suddenly that mean that the entire marriage had been shit.

They rewrite history, so be prepared to be told that all the happy years you remember didnt happen, that he was miserable the whole time and you didnt notice or care. Its bullshit, its done to justify treating you like crap.

Dont get sad, get angry. He has treated you and your son appallingly so stop facilitating him. No more wife work, no more contacting him about seeing your son, no providing meals or clothes for your child during his contact time, he does all that himself now.

Remember, he is NO LONGER YOUR FRIEND, you cannot trust or rely on anything he says. Anything he does or says will be to benefit him in one way or another so do not agree to anything without getting advice first, either legal or just posting on here if its something not legal/

Take care lovey, been there, done that and come out the other side, you will get there.

Are you absolutely sure he’s in that house on his own? Is he having somebody visit? If he’s taking your son there then it’s best to find out for sure. Can you get your parents to watch your son one eve and do a few drive bys between 9 and 10pm to see if anybody else is there.

If he referred you to you as a friend, I imagine he is saying that he wants a sexual relationship with someone. He either has someone or is planning on finding that someone so stop with the leaflets and advice because I suspect the depression talk is a smoke screen and total BS.

Sorry OP, but I agree with others. There is an OW or he has had his head turned.
Please read THIS HERE
It will prepare you for what is to come.
He doesn't want help with is depression, because he is not depressed. Or it is highly unlikely.
Right now you need to look after yourself.
Don't engage with him on anything other than your DS.
Don't beg or plead or be needy. That is not going to work.
You need to be strong (or at least pretend to be).
You need to keep your strength up.

I got through this bit by drinking sugary tea and eating orange juice ice-lollies. I could not stomach solid food for weeks.
Sugar levels up and keep yourself hydrated.
Reach out to anyone you can for support and help.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Nothing we say can ease the pain you are in. Actual, physical, heart wrenching pain! We've been there and we can tell you that it DOES get better.
Not for a long time yet but it does!!
Concentrate on you and your DS.
I do wanna send you a big fat (((((HUG)))))
This is horrendous - but it will get better!

Oh, @27Kirkham 💐 how horrible. I know just how you feel. World's worst feeling.

It's worse if you let yourself get too tired or too hungry, so try hard to get a rest and eat even if you don't feel like it.

I think it will be OW not depression as he sounds far too motivated to be depressed and it's pretty much following the usual story. You'll be ok even if it doesn't feel like it now.

A piece of advice o got on here which really helped, oddly, was to get nice new bedding and stuff and change things up a bit at home. Also to tell someone in real life. Everyone was so lovely when I did that.

I'm not sure it is an OW and just depression.
When I get depressed I need to be away from people. But for him to say he needs space to see what makes him happy doesn't scream out that he's depressed. I know everyone is different though.

Either way as PPs have suggested don't keep contacting him, ask someone else to incase it is depression. And sort your finances out in case. I would give him 2 weeks and then contact him again. If he is still in the same frame of mind then you need to think about selling the house, filing for divorce etc.

I'm so sorry and I wouldn't know what to think.

Crazy idea but if there was only a way to tell us the address of where it is there is a good chance it I'll be near a mumsnetter and they could spy to see who exactly is in the house. Would put you out of your misery but really, he's gone so let him go.

Soon you will be glad you didn't pander to him. If he was genuinely struggling he wouldn't be hurting the woman he said he would love for ever nor disappear on his child.

Stop sending him articles, OP. The only person that can help him is him. Nothing you say or do at this stage will help. Concentrate on looking yourself and your ds. I don’t think your DP deserves your care right now.

I was married for 24yrs when my ex came out with something similar - no other woman yada yada.

of course there was .

Concentrate on making sure that you are financially secure and can feed, clothe and house yourself and your son.

If a woman posted that she'd fallen out of love with her husband, was no longer sexually attracted to him, viewed him just as a friend, she'd get a very different reaction from "she has realised she isn't happy and it is her happiness that is the most important thing. It is not rational.." etc.

I can see your point @scott72 but I'm afraid it generally is the case that most men don't leave until they have someone else as they don't like to be alone. Women are less afraid of this and so will usually leave before finding someone new. I appreciate this isn't always the case but it is more common for men to leave for someone else than women

Scott72

I think because there have been no red flags before this it is why so many people are blaming an OW or depression.
If they had been unhappy for a while then I would completely agree but being out of the blue is strange.

@scott72 if a woman had said those things on here, and then followed up with 'but I won't tell my partner, I'll just walk out after dropping this bombshell on them and leave them holding the baby and then I'll ignore them for 2 weeks', the response from posters would be very negative.

Wow OP I am so so sorry. This exact thing happened to me 1 year ago, Easter Sunday 2019. We had only been together just under 3 years but it was horrific, he just say me down and said entirely out of the blue that he didn't love me anymore, and left. Honestly after the first few months of crying not knowing how I would make it through the day, I genuinely don't know how I coped - I just did! I had to for DS. I felt like I was dying, it was physically painful. I am doing much better now, and I have to say the thing that helped me the most was leaving him to it, rather than trying to find ways to help him. Likelihood is he checked out a long time ago and has been figuring out how to tell you. Sometimes there is no convincing somebody to come back. Take care xx