Hi @27Kirkham, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I was immediately drawn to your post because I am a husband and dad who is not particularly happy at the moment and I desperately don't want to end up doing what your partner has done. This is why I have signed up for mumsnet today - my own story will appear here soon along with my requests for advice from some of the brilliant posters on here.
What struck me is that you didn't see this coming and it came straight out of the blue. In my own situation, I am not happy right now, but as with your case, I don't believe my wife is aware of that fact and if I were to suddenly leave, it would similarly take her totally by surprise and the whole thing would devastate us all.
I think the key here may be that unlike women, men are, in general, not as in touch with their own feelings, tend to bottle up their thoughts, are scared to share their worries, vulnerabilities and frustrations and more ready to just swallow and fester over their issues to keep the peace short-term. But of course, this can never work truly long term - the issues just gnaw away at you and become amplified and the result may be that all the pent up, unvoiced, toxic frustrations just put you into meltdown one day. This could have been what's happened to your partner and I see this tendency in me. I am carrying too much around in my head unvoiced. I know it's not fair on my wife but I genuinely have such difficulties in communicating my issues. My wife does notice that I am quiet or a bit down sometimes, but I always put it down to being tired at work, feeling a bit ill, etc - again, a short-term and frankly cowardly fix to avoid difficult conversations. I am now seeing that this is having a cumulative effect on me and if I don't seek help, I may well end up doing what your partner has done - and I really don't want to. That's why I am here on mn. In most respects, I am a normal and hopefully mature man who is reasonably successful in most areas of life, but when it comes to my emotions and my ability to communicate, I am like a small child who needs help. Perhaps your partner is the same?
Many posters are suggesting a possible OW, which I understand and of course may be possible, but it may not be the case. Perhaps your partner is like me, paralysed and depressed by his own inability to address and communicate his issues, in a vicious circle, who has reached a point where he has just emotionally melted down and sunk into an even deep depression. He may not even fully know what his issues are himself, just that he is unhappy and had to get out to be on his own. Right now, I expect that he may be experiencing some relief (he's probably been carrying his issues for a long time already), but also a lot of confusion and uncertainty. There is also a very good chance that he still loves you and misses having you and his little family unit together, but just doesn't know what to do or where he should go to be happy again. He may feel completely lost and scared. I think this would be exactly how I would feel if I blew up right now and left. Does this seem plausible Kirkham? How has he been over the years regarding expressing his feelings and his general communications skills? Do you think he has a tendency to bottle things up and hope they will go away? Or is he a good talker/communicator?
In terms of what to do from your point to view if you want the best chance of your family getting back together, all I can do is think how I would want my wife to react if I were to do what your partner has done. I’m not saying he deserves such effort on your part (or I would deserve it in his shoes), but I’ll just describe how I would like her to handle it in the most likely way to help me get my head out of my backside. I would hope that she would, as gently as possible, let me know that she loves me and misses me, and although she is very much hurt herself, she would like to give the relationship as much chance as it can to surviving and is prepared to give me time and space to sort out my feelings in my own time, but will be ready to talk whenever I am. It would help me to hear her say that she understands that I may have issues that I have been bottling up and that I may find it very difficult to discuss these and she knows that this can lead to depression and be paralysing. But but that she is willing, when I am ready, to explore and talk through these with love, patience and maturity with the goal of finding compromises and solutions that we can work towards to create a happy family unit again, and if we can't do that, then to maturely discuss the alternatives, with as much love as possible, keeping your little boy’s needs top of the agenda. Having communicated this, I would want her to step back for a while and limit the conversation to the daily essentials of childcare. She wouldn't need to spell out to me that she couldn't wait for me forever - I would know that myself. But being given a little space and time and understanding would really relieve the pressure and the guilt and would really help me to start clarifying my own mind. Of course, in my own case, I want to try to achieve this WITHOUT first walking out. Why oh why do I find it so hard to start that ‘Can we talk?’ conversation? It is absolutely paralysing and so unfair on the whole family – but here I am! As I said, I’ll be positing my story soon and would be so grateful if you would read and consider it.
Kirkham, I really feel for you and I wish you all the very best. I truly hope things work out for you and your family. Please keep posting and hang in there. Whatever happens, you and your little boy will get through this. It would just be so nice if your partner could be a part of this too. I'm crossing my fingers for all of you x
