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Original poster

I'm 40, dp is 35 - he wants kids, I don't! Should I have a DC?

63 replies

genesey · 07/05/2020 11:40

Dp and I have been together for nearly 2 years. I was widowed a few years ago so took things super slow and didn't even introduce kids to dp untill a year later. Anyway we were friends before we got together and I told him that I wasn't interested in having any more children as I already have 3. He was ok with this as he didn't want any.

So now he has told me he actually wants his own. He has only moved in with us just before the lockdown and we're all obviously spending alot more time together as a family. He's spending loads of time with my kids and really seeing what my life is really like. He said this has shown how lovely it is having kids etc. The bonds you have etc this has all made him now want his own children even though he says he gets along with my kids but it's not the same as your own. I don't want anymore. My youngest is still only 5 and I am just starting to get my life back and I just don't want to do that baby thing all over again!

Is this the end? I'm really gutted. I always was worried that this might be an issue one day. Hes still young and I feel like I'm robbing him from something that he really wants. We could try for a baby. No guarantees I would even get pregnant though. I'm torn

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/05/2020 11:42

No one should have a baby if they don't actually want one. And you need to seriously think about whether you would want to be a lone parent to 4 kids as there is always the possibility that even the best dad will walk away at some point.

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 07/05/2020 11:42

If you don't want any more children and he wants one then you need to let him go. Otherwise, he may just leave of his own accord at any time. Remember men can father children much older than women can.

LilacTree1 · 07/05/2020 11:47

no way

I know of two couples who divorced and neither wanted the children

unwanted children are a disaster all round. you can't send them back!

I know a few women who regret having children but obviously, you're stuck with them. So all you can do is hope that

  1. your partner does most of it
  2. you have a liver that can cope with the drink problem you'll get
  3. you have a friend to whom you can honestly say "why on earth did I do this"

don't do it. No man would ever be worth it. it's insanity.

Dontbeme · 07/05/2020 11:49

even though he says he gets along with my kids but it's not the same as your own

So what happens to your three if you do have a baby with him? Are yours demoted to second best in their own home and considered "less than" by their own stepdad? That attitude would make me seriously consider my future with this guy.

MangoHat · 07/05/2020 11:51

I don’t know your financial circumstances clearly but given you were widowed before (and I am sorry for your loss) you will know how vulnerable you can be, how benefits etc only come if you are married. So there’s that.

If you marry him you have to consider financial implications for your own dc.

Then there’s not really wanting a baby. If you did have a baby I bet it would be lovely and an amazing addition to the family. But you’re heading for a big extension to the small child years, the school run years, the teenager at home years. Where do you want to be, for yourself, when your youngest turns 18 or 21? Do you want there to be a 13 year old in the mix at that point or are you hoping to get some freedom and chance to travel or do your own thing?

As you say, you might not get pregnant. Other risks rise as you get older in terms of your health and the baby’s. What if you have a difficult pregnancy or a child with additional needs? Are you up for that?

What would your other dc think? They have lost their dad, would they like a sibling or will they feel pushed out by a baby that is for you and your DP?

Would he be a hands on dad?

It is tough to not have your own children but one thing your DP does have is the opportunity to be an amazing step dad and to parent your dc with you without any other conflict from other households. It’s not a bad place to be in!

Don’t have a baby if YOU don’t want one!

B1rdbra1n · 07/05/2020 11:57

Every child deserves to be completely wanted by both parents
Do not bring an unwanted child into the world

LannieDuck · 07/05/2020 12:00

Is he offering to do all the additional childcare that comes with a baby, overnights included? Will he take 8 months of parental leave (after you've had a month maternity to recover from the birth)? And will he be the one to sacrifice his career to illness / school runs etc?

AnotherEmma · 07/05/2020 12:01

No - please don't do it.

LilacTree1 · 07/05/2020 12:04

also think about the effect on your children.

Backtothenewme · 07/05/2020 12:06

Dont do it. It is really hard to reconcile

timeisnotaline · 07/05/2020 12:07

I know of two couples who divorced and neither wanted the children
Oh that’s just awful. Those poor children. Those shit parents.

pinksmile · 07/05/2020 12:08

It's wonderful that he gets on with the kids so well and enjoys the family dynamic - however he has not seen the sheer amount of graft it takes to get you there.

The early years, no sleep, sleep regressions, tantrums, potty training, screaming toddlers, colic babies etc.

What if you go through all that childbirth entails and he struggles with the early years?

I wouldn't do it.

NoMoreDickheads · 07/05/2020 12:16

Of course not, not if you don't want one. It's too major a thing to do just to please someone else.

As you met at 38 and you already had 3, and you said you didn't want more, he knew the score.

Hopefully this is just a passing daydream he's having.

LilacTree1 · 07/05/2020 12:16

time "Those shit parents."

Yes. I do blame the bloke particularly. He wanted a child, yes, I agree, the wife gave in, but when the divorce came, he should have taken the child.

as it is, in that particular case, the child is with grandparents and I have no idea what happens when they die. Care, I suppose. Or maybe the man will step up.

B1rdbra1n · 07/05/2020 12:18

I would bet a pound to a penny that this is a pre planned strategy, he humoured you when you said you didn't want more children because he was confident that he could manoeuvre you into agreeing to go along with him if you decided he did want a child of his own.
Because he has 'taken on' your children and because he is the younger partner he feels this gives him enough leverage to get what he wants

JoesExotic · 07/05/2020 12:29

Is he off work at the moment? He might ease up once he gets back to work and the urge wains.

Original poster
genesey · 07/05/2020 12:30

I'm really really upset by the whole thing. It's so shit as I can't even be alone and have a bit of space to think about thinks. I think you're all right. I shouldn't have anymore dc when really I've already decided and I told him upfront too.

The sad thing is that the kids really enjoy having him around and I took ages to introduce him to them as I wanted to make sure a relationship was more a long term serious one as I don't want men coming in and out of DC's lives. But now he'll be leaving. I feel so shit for them. I want to cry. He keeps saying think about it- I think he has a bit of hope that I might change my mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
genesey · 07/05/2020 12:33

JoesExotic no. He is working. He works from home a lot anyway due to his job so not much has changed there. He's been really hands on with chores and helping with kids schooling and we've been taking turns to juggle work/ school/ chores etc.
Things were going great till this spanner in the works.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 07/05/2020 12:39

No, don’t do it and he needs to leave. There’s a big difference between having a newborn and the older kids he’s around now and let’s face it, he won’t be doing the heavy lifting if you have another.

LesleysChestnutBob · 07/05/2020 12:40

All you can do is stand firm and let him make up his mind what he wants to do when you have reiterated that there will be no more dc. If he decides to stay, he can't hold it against you, it's his decision.

VisionQuest · 07/05/2020 12:48

Really difficult situation but no, you can't have a child for him or just to keep the relationship in tact.

Maybe take a month or so to really think about it but please don't be pressured into doing it, it's such a huge decision to have a chid and you already have 3 so very much have your hands full.

I get that he wants to have his own, of course he does, but you are ultimately in very different places

B1rdbra1n · 07/05/2020 12:49

The kids really enjoy having him around
and that's why he feels able to put pressure on you to have his baby, he knows he's got some leverage
when he says think about it the message is 'think about what you could lose if you don't do what I want'

VisionQuest · 07/05/2020 12:50

Also I should add that two years is still a relatively new relationship and he has only just moved in! Even if you were on board with it, you probably wouldn't want to wait too much longer due to your age so you don't exactly have the luxury of time or maybe waiting a year or two to reassess.

It all just feels very rushed, on his part.

B1rdbra1n · 07/05/2020 12:52

You were upfront with him but he pretended to want the same as you
Bait and switch

Greenlorry · 07/05/2020 12:58

I wouldn’t do it either kids are a blessing but they can change your life if the circumstances are not right. Also it’s your 3 kids that get the short stick if it didn’t pan out.

Try to be understanding as I have heard people say they don’t want kids or they are not bothered and then they changed their minds I think everyone has the right to as feelings can develop and your mindset can change. Best of luck it’s just a phrase for your partner.

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