I'm 40, dp is 35 - he wants kids, I don't! Should I have a DC?

[genesey]

Dp and I have been together for nearly 2 years. I was widowed a few years ago so took things super slow and didn't even introduce kids to dp untill a year later. Anyway we were friends before we got together and I told him that I wasn't interested in having any more children as I already have 3. He was ok with this as he didn't want any.

So now he has told me he actually wants his own. He has only moved in with us just before the lockdown and we're all obviously spending alot more time together as a family. He's spending loads of time with my kids and really seeing what my life is really like. He said this has shown how lovely it is having kids etc. The bonds you have etc this has all made him now want his own children even though he says he gets along with my kids but it's not the same as your own. I don't want anymore. My youngest is still only 5 and I am just starting to get my life back and I just don't want to do that baby thing all over again!

Is this the end? I'm really gutted. I always was worried that this might be an issue one day. Hes still young and I feel like I'm robbing him from something that he really wants. We could try for a baby. No guarantees I would even get pregnant though. I'm torn

The fact he wants his 'own' speaks volumes about how your DC will never quite be enough for him.

No, a million times no.

Red flags all over this anyway, even if you DID want another baby, I would say don't.

-Nearly two years? No. Just not long enough, not at ALL, to decide on having a baby together even if you wanted one.

-Your children have been bereaved as well as you, I would add to the above that I think you'd need to think super carefully about ANY extra change in their lives anyway;

• So he's literally just, as in for the last few weeks, 'discovered' how great intimate family life with kids is. Ok. And instantly, his first reaction isn't - 'This is good, I like it, I like being part of this already established family' - it is -'Oh! This is great! But I want it to be more MINE. It's lovely, but let's immediately start shifting it to something that is more about me.' He may think his feelings are genuine, but at a very important level they are not - they are about his own gratification. Practically his first response to appreciating something good is not to respect it but to want to put his own stamp on it. You ARE a complete family. 3 kids is a lot. You were clear about this. It's a very childish reaction. If you'd lived together a couple of years, I could understand it - but I would be so wary after hearing this from somone after literally weeks of you living together.

• 'It's not the same as your own' - Really? I think that my answer to this would be, not only are my emotional energies already completely taken up with parenting three bereaved children, there is also not a hope in hell I will willingly create a situation where they suddenly gain a step-parent who looks as if they may be the type to see them as second class when his own baby appears. No way.

• 'It's not the same as your own' - from the other perspective. He doesn't actually know that, does he? What with the living with you and 'parenting' having been a real tangible part of his life for, oooh, a few weeks. What if you have a baby and (a year plus later, when the lovely messy-painting-cuddles-on-sofa honeymoon stage has worn off, what if he discovers that actually, it is the same? That he finds he didn't actually want his own after all, and oops, he always said he didn't want kids so bye, here, parent FOUR on your own'?

Not only do you not want a fourth child, and are bereaved, and forty, I would say the biggest red flag is the impetuous, thoughtless air to what your probably perfectly nice bf has said (as well as the nicely manipulative, boundary-trashing 'think about it' - oh dear, no no no).

Absolutely don't even consider it.

Oh OP, very disappointing but absolutely do not go back to having a baby when you know you are done.

He has every right to change his mind just as you have every right to abide by your original decision.

Going back to the baby stage is very very difficult after what could be 6 years, not to mind if you are not 100%.

I've never know anyone to feel thrilled to be thrown back into the baby stage, once they were fully out of it.

You forget just how full on it is.

I also hate to say this, but right now, no matter how lovely and probably permanent your DP, your kids only have you. Pregnancy is risky. If something happens to you, or if your health or body are badly affected, you take away your own ability to be their mum in the way you are now. (I have a friend who was widowed and she has talked before about how she evaluates risk now on the basis of being the only parent available )

Nope. Not a chance.

Everything else already mentioned but also this: you are only 35 and now you've had 3, you should take this time to feel happy in your body and enjoy what's left of your youth. If you have another kid and it takes years for your body to bounce back then you might find yourself over 40 and feeling a frump (which can e hard to bounce back from) Not that you would be of course, it's just, I think you might kick yourself for not enjoying NOT being pregnant in your thirties.

I mean I know now even at 31,I wish I'd wore more pretty things when I was a slip of a thing xD maybe it's a little thing in the grand scheme of things. But every woman wants to feel beautiful sometimes. And we are so harsh on ourselves. So maybe dobt risk unshiftabl baby weight for a kid you have no desire to have and a man who thinks your body is a mini-me maker, instead of respecting it for the temple it is!

NO! You should only ever have a child if you really want one. You'll probably be 60 before they all leave home.

I am 2 years older than my husband and we got together when I was 34 and he was 32. I had 2 children when we met.

He off-and-on wanted a baby, but I could never get over the worry that I had that he would end up favouring 'his' child, at the expense of my first 2. Even though he said he would treat them all the same, I could not get over that worry. Once a baby is born, instincts can kick in in ways we wouldn't expect, and I couldn't risk it.

Obviously there'll be lots of Mumsnetters who have made it work, but for me personally, and my own peace of mind, I couldn't risk it.

@MangoHat

Excellent point.

All you can do is assure him that you won't be changing your mind. It's then up to him whether he wants to commit fully to this existing family, or leave and look to start his own.

When I met DH I told him I didn't want children at all. DH said that was fine. He already had his adored DD. But from the week we moved in together we had DSD the whole weekend every week because her mum worked then.

I had no interest in kids at first but over the next few years I grew to love spending time with DSD. One day I asked DH if he'd mind if I changed my mind. He just smiled in his laid back way, said no, and I got pregnant almost instantly.

I've now got 2 DC and my darling DSD. DH died when our boys were still at primary school. The three of them are close and they are treated equally in my Will.

I would have entirely accepted DH's decision if he'd wanted to stick to our original deal but he'd seen me with DSD and I guess he knew I'd be a good mum.

Hi op

I wouldn't have one

I don't think 2 years is enough time relationship wise, he's only just moved in and it's still the honeymoon period

He's not done any hard slog so doesn't really have a full picture
And lastly but realistically not every child is guaranteed to be born healthy
And if that happens, then it's a whole other ball game.

He might skip out and your left with the raising of child with problems
And the other 3 suffer

Don’t do it. Your family is complete. You have been more than honest. It’s up to him if he leaves but do not be talked round

I don’t agree with people suggesting yours aren’t good enough
There are loads of women out there who take on step children but still want a biological child of their own, it’s understandable he does
If you are genuinely done and wouldn’t consider another you need to let him go

No.

Apart from the fact that you've been clear all along that more children aren't in your plan...

He's only just moved in, so you are very much in the honeymoon period of living together, added to which, he hasn't experienced "real life" with 3 children, he's only experienced lockdown life, which is in absolutely no way the same.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy this is touching to read and puts a different spin on things.
I’m glad that all 3 children are still so close that’s lovely to hear.

Do not do it. He’s already told you that your 3 will be considered less important in the new set up.

And there’s the chance you’ll be left holding the baby if he changes his mind again, or falls in love with a 25 year old.

What you have now is precious. Cherish what you’ve got and you’ll find a new DP in time.

Good, but sad that he is leaving. But seriously there were only 3 ways that could have gone:

He was serious, so were you. So he has to leave, find someone to have kids with, which he deserves

He was serious, so were you. So he has to leave as you deserve a relationship that fulfils you rather than stresses you.

You know you were serious, maybe he wasn't. So he leaves as that's an unpleasant game.

Either way, once that has been said one half of a relationship will always feel the other half has let them down. It should always be, at the very least, the queue for some serious rethinking!

No don't do it.

As a PP said, never have a baby if your heart is not in it.

I’m in sort of the opposite situation. Both 40, I have 2 dc and he has none (we’ve been together for longer than you two though). He has never wanted his own biological dc and has been very clear about this (loves mine that he sees as partly his though!) I’m split, my practical side can see that it’s not a good idea for various reasons but my emotional side actually sort of wants a baby with him. We had this conversation early on in our relationship (around the2-year mark actually) and I agreed it wasn’t an option. Ultimately, I chose him. I can be a bit wistful at times but life isn’t perfect and that’s the choice I had to make and I don’t regret it.

I think my point is, you know where you stand and he needs to make this choice now. But I don’t believe it’s a good idea to have a baby you don’t want just for his wishes.

Wanting to have your own kid(s) is not an inherently bad thing, but the things that stick out are:

• the "not the same as your own" comment. It's either incredibly clumsy or a slip that indicates the pecking order of your kids vs. new baby. Also, shout-out to the step-parents who really try; step-parenting is a concious choice to parent when you have the option not to.

• it's been a few weeks. He has no idea what he's talking about with regards to "family life" and as PP have said, not seen the blood, sweat and exhausted tears of three pregancies to babies to their current ages.

• you've said that you're done having kids from the beginning of the relationship. People/desires can change, but you've been consistent in this and he's currently not listening and sprung "think about it" (so patronising!) into a rather pressured situation, having just moved in and being stuck indoors together.

I'd listen to your instict. It's only been two years, other PP have pointed out that you and your children were bereaved which already dictated how he was introduced. It might also impact what you prioritise in the future and if it were my choice, it would be the stability and care of your three existing children than his imaginary "different" baby.

I was in this situation and had another child. We later split up. I don't regret having my child, but it did make my life a lot more difficult! I would recommend not having one unless YOU really want to.

We've had another long chat about it whilst the kids were watching a movie. I made it absolutely clear to him that I do not anymore children. Period. I also told him what pps have said about he's not seen the utter relentless work that has gone into getting to this stage I'm at with DC.
I also brought up the issue of him seeing my kids as "second" to his own to which he replied it wasn't the best thing to say and he regrets it as he didn't mean it like that. I believe him. He genuinely is a very honest and good person.

I told him that we probably need to break up if that's what he really wants but we agreed that we will see a couple of months after lockdown is lifted when the daily grind of school runs and clubs etc kick in and see how he feels.

Meanwhile, I'm really broken. I don't want to break my kids hearts too. They were so happy when I first told them that he'd be moving in. My eldest has really bonded with him so well.

beachbreeze if you has said no to more kids would he have walked away?

A lot of double standards on this thread as usual.

If you were the one posting that he had children and you wanted one because you wanted a biological child of your own people would be completely understanding, they would also suggest you leave if he didn’t give in to what you wanted, or there would be some who suggested you just get pregnant because “once a child is here it won’t be regretted.”

The step parenting board is full of posts by OP’s who make a very clear distinction between someone else’s kids and your own, and any woman who says that she feels guilty that she doesn’t feel the same about her DSC as her own DC would be greeted with pure understanding. And from the other side, there is in fact a thread on Step parenting where an OP is resentful that her partner doesn’t love her children as his own and people have told her she’s unreasonable to think that.

Ultimately you got together quite young. 33 is a usual age for men to often realise that they do want children, so it’s not unexpected that he originally felt he didn’t want children and has now realised he does.

While you absolutely shouldn’t have a baby to please him,neither would you be reasonable to expect him to get over his wish to have a baby to keep the relationship with you. And truth is that if he holds off for now there’s every chance he will still have that desire, and he has the ability to walk away at any time and still father children.

You need to let him go.

And no,I don’t believe there are red flags over this or any of the other phrases that people like to trot out on these threads. He was entitled to change his mind,just as you would have been,and if you had then people would have been telling you to leave.

So many dads bugger off. Do you want to be alone dealing with A levels at 57 while he possibly fannies in and out of the picture, with a child you never really planned for?

I had my fourth at your age but we both wanted her knowing it might never happen at my age. I thought about being 60 and still a child in education and again we both wanted that.

I wouldn't as although you will love the child, yourdoing it for him, and he might move on