I'm 40, dp is 35 - he wants kids, I don't! Should I have a DC?

[genesey]

Dp and I have been together for nearly 2 years. I was widowed a few years ago so took things super slow and didn't even introduce kids to dp untill a year later. Anyway we were friends before we got together and I told him that I wasn't interested in having any more children as I already have 3. He was ok with this as he didn't want any.

So now he has told me he actually wants his own. He has only moved in with us just before the lockdown and we're all obviously spending alot more time together as a family. He's spending loads of time with my kids and really seeing what my life is really like. He said this has shown how lovely it is having kids etc. The bonds you have etc this has all made him now want his own children even though he says he gets along with my kids but it's not the same as your own. I don't want anymore. My youngest is still only 5 and I am just starting to get my life back and I just don't want to do that baby thing all over again!

Is this the end? I'm really gutted. I always was worried that this might be an issue one day. Hes still young and I feel like I'm robbing him from something that he really wants. We could try for a baby. No guarantees I would even get pregnant though. I'm torn

He changed his mind. You need to let him go so he can have children of his own someday. Your children will be hurt but it’s better he go now than a few years down the line.

Absolutely what @AlternativePerspective said

"Hopefully this is just a passing daydream he's having."

This sounds pretty callous. Perhaps he's seen firsthand what its like having kids and now he wants some of his own, which is reasonable. You should probably encourage him to leave OP.

So let's say you agreed, despite your reservations, and two years down the line, you still have not conceived (because at 40 this is a real possibility). Would he leave you?

I was him. I moved in with my girlfriend and her two girls (then 2 & 6) and couldn't believe how rewarding family was.

My girlfriend had made it utterly clear that there were no more kids, which sounded fine to me. She was 35 and I was 37 so we didn't have years to spend thinking about it.

And yes, I did suddenly want my own - NOT because "it wasn't the same" but because I was sad I'd missed the whole experience - the pregnancy, the baby part.

We ended up having our own baby girl last year. But I never asked, and never mentioned. My girlfriend suggested it after watching my bond with her girls grow for the first couple of years.

I would never have pressured her into it though, and he shouldn't pressure you. I empathize with him but he needs to respect your decision and not make it an issue.

If I knew him, I'd be telling him that to me there's no huge difference between my biological child and the other two children I help raise every day. I don't know why. I didn't grow any of them for nine months inside me. I think Step Dads have it a little easier in that respect. I'd take a bullet for any of them without thinking.

A stepchild is not the same as your own child.

If your relationship with him ends, he has no legal right to see your kids again.

Women can't have it both ways...if you want equality, then you need to be fair and well balanced regardless of gender.

If you don't want another child that's fine...but all this other stuff isn't fair to make him seem bad.

@AlternativePerspective

I agree with you 100%. The double standards are ridiculous. A stepchild is not the same as your own child.

A lot of double standards on this thread as usual.

If you were the one posting that he had children and you wanted one because you wanted a biological child of your own people would be completely understanding, they would also suggest you leave if he didn’t give in to what you wanted, or there would be some who suggested you just get pregnant because “once a child is here it won’t be regretted.”

The step parenting board is full of posts by OP’s who make a very clear distinction between someone else’s kids and your own, and any woman who says that she feels guilty that she doesn’t feel the same about her DSC as her own DC would be greeted with pure understanding

We ended up having our own baby girl last year
Congratualtions, NewLevelsOfTiredness!
Sounds like you've both navigated those tricky waters very well!

No. Please don't.

No. Definitely not. I am number three to one parent who didnt want anymore kids after their first two and also the spoiled child of the other parent who needed to have their own baby because the step kids weren't enough.
Disaster.
Apart from anything else you just dont want another kid and having three is already quite a lot for most people.
If he loves kids that much surely he'd want to stick with the three he had a good relationship with.
Let him go if he wants but maybe hes just applying a bit of pressure to see if you'll be swayed.

It’s really not a good idea.

If you’re not on the same page it doesn’t look great, this is a big thing for us as well, we are on the same page and it is something we talk about quite a bit. It’s a huge issue and one of those things that doesn’t really work with a compromise.

I think it’s different from a woman wanting her own DC. Not that it’s wrong for a man wanting his own biological DC.

But that it’s the woman who goes through pregnancy, and childbirth. It’s women who’s careers stall whilst on maternity leave & a lot of the time thereafter as they do the bulk of the childcare and fit career/work around childcare.
And It’s predominantly women who are usually left with the child(ten), if the relationship fails.

Also OP & her partner have only been living together for five weeks, and her boyfriend has decided he wants a baby. That’s crazy.

I wouldn’t force someone to have a DC if they were reluctant. I wouldn’t want to be pushed into having a DC either. And surely five weeks into living together under, incredibly different circumstances, is not the best time to be planning a baby. When life goes back to normal, and you’ve been living together for a while and see eachother during normal times and how you cope with family life might be a better time to revisit this. If that’s what you want.
But OP, you sound like you are done. So I’d stay firm on that.

@genesey how are you doing? It must be so difficult having this grenade lobbed into your life. Hope you have been given the space and opportunity to explain how you feel and express what you want.

The answer would be no from me. In my opinion, your kids are young. What happens if you have an abruption during birth and die? Sorry to be blunt but it happened to me. I didn’t die (obvs) but I got very very lucky as it happened in the hospital. If I’d been at home, I wouldn’t be here today. You have 3 kids and no father to be back up. You’re it for them and shouldn’t be taking any risks with your life at all