I really really need someone to talk to

[thegreenlight]

My situation with my mum is just breaking me. I’m a shit mother, wife and daughter. My husband really shouted at me last night for nothing because literally no one cares how I feel. My boys are badly behaved and it’s my fault. Everything would be so much better if I was t here. I just want to disappear. I’m pathetic and useless.

Hi OP, you might want to read www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3901906-Any-single-woman-looking-for-a-friend?msgid=96281755#96281755 this thread before opening up to Shark

It’s been all my life, I am very deep in the fear, obligation, guilt cycle. Horrible messages lately telling me what an awful daughter I am (most recently stemming from not sending enough pictures of DS birthday but we did FaceTime candle blowing) I have let her down apparently. I am horrible and selfish. I have spoiled my eldest and he needs to see someone for his behaviour. Husband went mad as me last night, apologised this morning and then shouted at me again. I’m working from home full time, homeschooling 6 year old and looking after 2 year old while husband is at work full time. Everyone feels like they can speak to me how they want and I hate confrontation so I just roll over. My children will probably grow up to hate me too. What’s the point.

You don't give a lot of details but :

• if your husband shouted at you for no reason he's the one who has an issue, not you. If this happens regularly you need at the very least to tell him it's unacceptable, and if he keeps doing it you may need to escalate the situation.

• if your dc are badly behaved it's as much your husband's fault as yours. Depending on age/circumstances it may also be temporary. Most likely it's not too late to address it. Think about how you can deal with this and ask your husband to participate as discipline is as much his job as yours.

• don't know what the situation with your mother is but you may benefit from distancing from her for a while. Gain some perspective. Does your mother have a good point that you find uncomfortable ? If yes, think about how you can address it. If not, think about distancing from her as much as you need to feel comfortable and happy.

Please don't think that, it's hard trying to hold everything together when times are tough. How old are the boys ? What have they been doing ? Do you usually fall out with your mum?

@shark17 fishing for potentially vulnerable women to chat to? Reported. Find a new hobby.

OP I hope someone genuine comes along to chat to you soon

Just saw your update. Block your mother's number.

If she wants to talk to you and get pics of the children, she gets that when she talks to you decently enough. Until then, block.

Oh. Thankyou CafetiereCoffee I didn’t see your message.

The message this morning was horrible.

Have you had any counselling? I was in a situation after having DD where everyone seemed to think they could treat me like shit. Counselling really helped me assert my boundaries. You also need people IRL who are in your corner. Do you have any sensible friends or family you could reach out to?

There could be a cycle with your mum.
Talk nasty, get daughters attention. Daughter absorbs nasty things said , reacts to mum out of guilt. So mum does it again. And it continues.

Start with one thing and your mum is easiest as you can't see her.

Next text or phone call that is nasty your reply is.

"Stop, I will only talk to you if you speak nicely"

Go silent. Say nothing more until she reply's.

If her reply is accusing or nasty, you repeat the above sentence and then say nothing.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

If it goes on you then say. "Ring me / text me when you only have nice things to say, goodbye".
Then put the phone down or stop answering texts.

Do it. You can do it. Be strong. It is her problem not yours. She is the wrong one. Practice it.

If you do this and keep doing this you will grow a little bit stronger and stronger. You'll become more confident and believe in yourself. Then it will start to filter out into other things. Like how you deal with your husband.

Start small to gain big things.

Eldest is a bit challenging very sweet but immature. I’ve always suspected high functioning autism but I don’t know. He’s not the most compliant child in the world. I told my mum I hadn’t taken many photos on his birthday to send as he had been a bit difficult that day so had concentrated on interacting lots with him as it was his birthday and he had no friends there and I was told I’d spoilt him and have never listened to her advice. There was a big incident at the start of lockdown when I stood up to her very politely (I never do but get accused of ‘shouting’ at her every time I ask her not to give 2 year old huge bags of sweets etc) horrible message came. Dad made to message to tell me how awful I was too. She says all these things and part of me thinks it must be true and dies inside.

My two best friends lost their mum at an early age so I can’t talk them and my other best friend has not really spoken to me since my Mum verbally abused her over Facebook (which was the incident at the start of lockdown). Husband has lived with this for years and now has no sympathy. I have no one.

Yes, you are still very much blundering about in the FOG.

You will only get peace from your mother if you cut her off completely.
Whilst his shouting at you is completely unacceptable your H is probably at his wits too after seeing you tie yourself up in knots at her hands for years on end.

Would you have tolerated any of what your mother has done here from a friend, probably not. Your mother is no different.

I would also urge you to re-read the replies you had in your other thread and try and take those words in. You had some very good counsel there from other posters.

Your son is neither ill behaved or needs looking at; she is merely projecting her own self onto your child. She also made your child's birthday all about her; how many more family occasions and for that matter how much more of your life will she be allowed to ruin?. Please seriously look at talking to a therapist; BACP are good and do not cost the earth.

what you are described you are feeling sounds overwhelming. This is a very heavy emotional load. You must fell exhausted and very alone.

You are taking on a lot of responsibility - but remember, how your mother feels has nothing to do with you. A toxic parent will never be satisfied, regardless of your actions. Take a break from her for a bit, before making a long term plan how to deal with her going forward.

Your husband shouting at you is not on. Do you have the energy to stand up to him, or is your situation too much to really react?

Your kids are a product of both your and your husbands parenting, so it's not just your fault. Also kids don't always behave perfectly, give yourself a break.

Can you start with finding some kind words for yourself? you are so hard on yourself, I think you need to find a way to he kinder to yourself . Can you speak to a therapist?

I have no kind words. Husband called me horrible things last night. A miserable cow, a fun sponge because I said that I was 40/60 holiday to disneyworld wouldn’t go ahead. He mocked my reactions (because I couldn’t get my words out, I panic at confrontation and he accuses me of acting like a beaten wife which makes him more anygry) he woke me up at 5 to apologise and then shouted at me again because he was annoyed about the message from my mum. He’s said before that the boys would be better off if he took them as I’m mad like my mother. He only said it once but it’s really affected me. I’m just so tired.

I think you need to find a way to limit the ways your mother can contact you. You know that interacting with her only causes pain. Can you reduce contact? Change your number. Yes she will go mad. So what? What can she do to you that she isn't already doing?

Can you reach out to the friend that your mum had a go at? Why should you be responsible for your mum's actions? Don't allow her to cut you off from your friends. Even the other two who lost their mums - i don't see why that would stop them from being there for you. Their mums were probably nice and yours isn't, totally different relationships and needs. Don't believe what your mum says. I bet your friends would want to be there for you if they knew you were feeling that low. You don't need to tell them all the details about what your mum is saying or doing. See if they will help you while you get this toxic witch out of your head.

Your husband is a different ballgame but sounds just as bad as your mum. You're both working full time, but you're the one who is doing all the childcare and home schooling. Why?

I'm sorry op you really sound at the end of your rope and I'm concerned that you say you can't do it anymore. You hate confrontation, that's totally understandable because you've been trained by your mother not to confront anyone. But can you find tiny ways to stand up for yourself? Eg new SIM card, new phone number - don't tell your parents your number. Contact your friends and let them know you're struggling. Please let them in, i hope they will help you. It sounds very much like you might be depressed - can you contact your gp to discuss your feelings with them? Tiny steps to getting your husband to pull his weight with the children. I would say go full on with him too, he sounds like he's probably just as bad for your mental health but fully confronting that will be too much at this point in time.

It'll take a lot of strength to take steps to put a stop to everyone dumping on you, but it sounds like you've endured a lot of shit and you're still here. What's that if not strength?

Oh OP it's so hard to unlearn patterns of behaviour instilled by nasty, selfish caregivers because when you're little you need them.

It takes a while but if you already know about the FOG concept as you say then you probably know about the JADE acronym too, i.e. what not to do with people who are abusive: justify your choices etc, argue, defend, and explain. It truly works as those things are what we do with people like your mother.

And there's a high chance that growing up unprotected like that you unconsciously chose a husband with similar issues.

Let's face it, if my grown up child had told me that she sometimes found her children a challenge, as a Mum I'd try and be supportive. Instead she criticises you and goes in a huff when you don't obey her made up rules.

When you get the time, I'd recommend reading up about complex ptsd. There are podcasts and videos you could listen to if you don't have time to read.

For now, think about being a kind mum to yourself. It was the best starting point I found. You sound like a sensitive person so I'd say be sensitive with your own feelings. You have as much right to care as anyone else.

I don’t want to be here but I’m scared to do anything about it. If I could flick a switch I would. I’m a waste of space. My mum’s depression has always trumped everything. I think constantly about how I could escape. I just want everything to end. I try so hard to come across as happy and confident and cheerful everyone I know would have no idea.

You are wrong in that you do not have anybody; you have your children and H and you have an outlet here to write in. You can reclaim your life here.

Your parents are not worthy of being called such and they are dead really inside. Both are abusive and your dad is her both secondary abuser and willing enabler here. Both will continue to damage not just you but your family unit also if you have any form of contact with these people.

Your mother is patently not qualified to even judge a flower show, let alone your lives. You really do need to get those dissenting voices out of your head. Your inertia too when it comes to your parents hurts you as much as your family. Where's your boundaries at too when it comes to your mother; it seems this is also harmed here primarily because she along with your dad, have encouraged you not to have any. They really do see you in their disordered heads as an extension of them. Start telling these people what they deserve to know about your life; nothing. At the very least you need to practise the "grey rock" technique; i.e be as boring as possible and giving no details away.

What makes you think HFA?. Do not assume anything particular if your mother has put ideas in your head. If you did anyway have some concerns re your child's development the best person to see in that regard would be your GP who would then refer your son onto a developmental paediatrician.

Reach out to your best friend that your mother abused via FB (a fab tool for narcissists) via a phone call.

The boys wouldn't be better off with him. Please don't believe that. You're their mother, and the one who they love more than anyone in the world. You're the one who is making sure they're safe, cared for and loved. He's a shit father who would rather work and not worry about them. Plus, he's emotionally abusing you. But like i said above, dealing with him and your mother will be too much in one go. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Op please can you contact your gp and tell them what you said in your last message? You don't have to feel this way.

If you don't feel able to do that, the Samaritans are 116 123.

If you can't speak to someone, ie husband might hear you, you can text shout on 85258. They're a text service for people in crisis. I used them the other day. They were fab and gave me an outlet so i could carry on for the day.

Please please get help. Life doesn't need to be like this.

DH is at work full time and has been since this started. I think he wants to be at home. He really is a good dad. He loves the boys very much. Things have got harder since he lost it with my mum a couple of years ago (she used to ring me up and scream at me and he got fed up and screamed back at her) I made him apologise (I know but I was not as strong then) and I think he checked out then which has made it harder for me to balance the two.

I understand why you are scared but feel the fear and do it anyway.

What would really happen if you did assert yourself as a person here to your parents here; not that I am at all suggesting you confront them. Fade these people out of your life. The sky would not fall in and the world would still turn on its axis even though you've been led to believe otherwise.

Abusive people sometimes use depression as an excuse for their behaviours. I doubt very much she is depressed in the usual sense of the word, oh she is unhappy most certainly but you're not the cause of that and you did not make her that way. Your mother, and your parents together, use you as the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Your dad chose a side here and came down on his wife's side. Do your parents have any friends; most likely not and only have distant acquaintances. There are reasons why that is the case.

Would a good dad threaten their mother with taking them away from her because of her mental health? Or would a good dad act in the best interest of the children and support their mother to get the help she needs?

Would he support you in cutting contact with your mother do you think? If you think this is where his appalling behaviour towards you is stemming from? What if you sat him down and said you need his help to get rid of her.