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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really really need someone to talk to

56 replies

thegreenlight · 07/05/2020 07:25

My situation with my mum is just breaking me. I’m a shit mother, wife and daughter. My husband really shouted at me last night for nothing because literally no one cares how I feel. My boys are badly behaved and it’s my fault. Everything would be so much better if I was t here. I just want to disappear. I’m pathetic and useless.

OP posts:
Hill1991 · 07/05/2020 08:24

I think all of your problems stem from your mother , you say that she's got depression that is no excuse to be treating you that way, my mum has depression has done for years but she would never say the things that your mum has said to you ( she is using the depression as an excuse to belittle you and abuse you) and your dad is letting it happen.

For your own sanity and your family's sanity I think you need to put up boundaries and tell her to sort herself out before even start judging you.

If she calls you a crap daughter counter back and tell her it's a reflection on her and the way she brought you up.

You also need to explain to your dh that you take enough crap off your mother and don't need him adding to it

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2020 08:24

Its not you, its them.

You absolutely matter and you are not a waste of space!!. Your kids and for that matter your H would be lost and sad without you. Your parents have conditioned you to think this of you and such really can stick in your head particularly after many years of being told such. What you're writing here is not all that unusual for now adult children raised within such dysfunctional and abusive family structures.

Your abusive parents use you as a punchbag, I would urge you to find it within yourself to reclaim your life back from these people who have and continue to abuse you and damage your own family unit. If you really did think nothing was wrong you would not have posted. You have taken a small but significant step in writing about this here and for that you should take full credit.

Please keep writing here and find some outside support along the lines already suggested. You are worthy of being helped here and getting support!.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 07/05/2020 08:24

I don’t think my dad has ever chosen anything in his life, yet my mum blames him for every bad decision she has ever made. Nothing is ever her fault. She says she gave up work to look after my youngest (I paid her £100 a week to do it, negotiated by dad) but really she was suspended because of her behaviour at work including verbally attacking a lady who’s husband had recently committed suicide and gossiping about confidential patient information. She tries to tell me I have no friends and that they are just work acquaintances or ‘yummy mummy’s’ who are hateful middle class women who are the worst apparently. I think the whole Facebook thing was a way to get rid of a very good friend of mine. I never really had friends growing up so I think she doesn’t like it now that I do (did)

OP posts:
Hill1991 · 07/05/2020 08:27

She doesn't like you having friends because she is jealous that you can make friends and she can't, it sounds like that everyone needs to get a backbone with her your dad included and I wouldn't be letting her have my son if she can say those things to you she can do the same with your child

TwistyHair · 07/05/2020 08:28

If you are feeling suicidal then it’s best to phone your GP. Your mother sounds toxic. Lots of people have complicated relationships with their parents, doesn’t make it ok for you husband to shout at you about it.

Treacletoots · 07/05/2020 08:33

Do we have the same mother OP?

I'll give you one piece of advice. Block. Block block.

I blocked my controlling, nasty, narcissistic mother over a decade ago and it's been the best 10 years of my life. My DF has never been allowed to have an opinion since he married her.

I had DD a few years ago, DM made no effort to contact until she heard about her. Then the manipulation started again. DH thought we should give them an opportunity to meet their DGD but only if they could behave. Guess what, within 24 hours the abusive messages started so they were promptly blocked, permanently.

Your DH is another issue. Deal with one at a time. But deal with it. He should be supportive and on your side, not shouting at you for being upset. Life doesn't have to be this way. You CAN change it. Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2020 08:34

What do you think of the responses you have received today and on the other most recent thread you posted?.

Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all (so am not surprised to read that she has got into trouble with others who will not tolerate this). The men in their lives are either as narcissistic as they are or are otherwise discarded. Please tell me you no longer give her £100 a week to look after your youngest; you were well and truly suckered here by willing enabler dad.

Do you fully accept that your parents, both of them here, are abusive?.

Please try again with your friends. What your mother is saying about you is really what she is saying about her own self; she has made you her scapegoat for all her inherent ills.

FTstepmum · 07/05/2020 08:45

You poor thing! No wonder you feel like this - the two people in your life who should support you are not doing it!

Your mum is the biggest issue here. She is a dangerous narcissist and is seriously emotionally abusing you.

Please, please, for your own sanity - cut her out of the picture for as long as is necessary. That may be for years.

Your partner is also a problem, but that might be because of your mother's horrible influence.

Above all you need love and comfort and to be told that you are significant and valued. Please get that from here, from your friends and if you are a person of faith, from God.

Don't give up. Please find the smallest seed of hope. Xxx

Tigersneeze · 07/05/2020 08:51

have you ever thought about going NC with your mum?

Original poster
thegreenlight · 07/05/2020 08:53

DH has just rang and apologised for his behaviour and for not being supportive. We had a good chat and he told me it makes him angry when she says these things and he takes the frustration out on me. He’s acknowledged that he needs to understand how hard it is for me (even though to him it looks so simple just to walk away) I have contacted a councillor as I feel this is something I need to do to help me in the long term. I cannot thank everyone enough for their advice. It is so helpful to hear from people who have survived similar experiences. It is more painful for me at the moment as I can now see our relationship for what it is so I have to learn a whole new set of skills to cope. DH is on board with this and understands his role now I hope.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenlight · 07/05/2020 09:01

How do people cope with the fact that their mum can be really nice, buy gifts, arrange things so when they are horrible you feel bad because of all the nice things they do?

OP posts:
Hill1991 · 07/05/2020 09:03

Glad your looking at getting the support that you need and that your DH and is going to support you.

Something my dad always used to tell me is that if someone is nasty to you it's a reflection on them not you

Also you asserting boundaries and not taking her shit anymore your dad might follow suit and she may finally get herself together

Hill1991 · 07/05/2020 09:08

That's part off the control (if this was a relationship with a partner it would be coercive control)

Tigersneeze · 07/05/2020 09:08

How do people cope with the fact that their mum can be really nice, buy gifts, arrange things so when they are horrible you feel bad because of all the nice things they do?
^
for me its very very difficult, even after years of therapy to not get sicked back into the cycle of shame and blame.

all I can say therapy was the only way to heal. if your mother would have broken your bone you would go and see a doctor, well she is breaking you spirit - go and find professional help.

madmumofteens · 07/05/2020 09:38

Oh OP you've really got a lot on your plate! Firstly block your mother, she is toxic and you don't deserve the abuse she gives you!! You are doing a great job stop worrying about homeschooling your mental health is more important and your child is only 6 and lots of kids are in the same boat! Just be kind to yourself you are stronger than you think 💐

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 07/05/2020 09:57

That's the other half of the cycle of abuse. If she was awful all the time you wouldn't give her the time of day. The nice part of the cycle sucks you in, so that you start to think "if only i do this, or that, she'll start being nice again". It's not about you. It's about her.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 07/05/2020 10:07

She’s sending cryptic messages now ignoring anything I have said. I simply told her previously to read back her messages and see how negative and unkind she had been to me at a difficult time. She replies that she doesn’t keep her messages (I know for a fact she doesn’t delete them, tempted to say I’ll send her them again) and that I’ve said she is an awful mother (I haven’t but she certainly called me an awful daughter) and that time will tell. Does she think I’m enjoying this. DH says not to reply. My mum keeps comparing our relationship to hers with her mum (who was horribly toxic) because my mum enslaved herself to her despite how unkind and demanding she was. I’m not doing the same so I am awful. We went on our first family holiday abroad in 15 years and she made my son not want to go because we weren’t taking her.

I will leave it now and not reply but it is so so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenlight · 07/05/2020 10:17

Also as I was growing up and currently lots of threats of suicide. She reminded me casually just the other day that she attempted suicide when we ‘fell out’ (she fell out with me but she has rewritten this in her mind)

I’m scared she’s going to kill herself. I remember writing letters as a child begging her not to.

I think that’s what she’s hinting at. I’m shaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenlight · 07/05/2020 10:18

I want more than anything to ring her and make it all go away. But it won’t, it’s just what she wants me to do. She’s so good at manipulating me!

OP posts:
Lilacpheonix · 07/05/2020 10:19

Hi OP, for your sake, and I know how hard this is, but you need to cut her out. She is a bully and she takes pleasure in having control over you. It's not your fault, there is nothing you can do or say to change her. But you can change how she effects you. I know it's hard, truly I do, but if you don't, she will continue to use your children against you. If you don't do it for your sake, do it for theirs, they deserve better than to be manipulated and used as weapons in your mother's vile war.

The reason she buys you presents etc is to keep you confused and sucked in. Classic abuser behaviour.

So glad you've started the journey to seek some counselling, that's a fantastic first step. Well done.

Lilacpheonix · 07/05/2020 10:22

Just read your updates. She's using the suicide threat to manipulate you. It's so transparent. My mother did exactly the same thing, you know what I did? Called the doctor to get her help as she was "suicidal" she was absolutely livid with me. Then I knew it was all for show and not real. Just like this isn't real. If she wants to play that game and is making suicide threats, then it's only the right thing to do to call for assistance, surely?

Wellhiyahun · 07/05/2020 10:27

Please please look on the stately homes thread of the relationships board - you’ll see that in your current situation you’re not alone and lots of practical and emotional support. Maybe have a look at the freedom programme too. You are a valuable human being and deserve to be treated as such Flowers

BigBairyHollocks · 07/05/2020 10:33

Oh OP,it is heartbreaking reading this. Please try to get some urgent help.You sound like a lovely mum and you don’t deserve this.If you could somehow find the strength to walk away from your parents, block and ignore your life would improve immensely.I know it would be hard but it sounds like your husband would support you.Flowers

Tigersneeze · 07/05/2020 11:02

DH says not to reply.

the best advice. do not engage.

that she emotionally blackmailed with suicide is so damaging for a child, I feel for you.

When she does this again definitely get the police to do a well fare check to her address or like a pp said contact her GP

what sticks out from your posts - your mum caused a friendship to disintegrate and it sounds like the relationship to your husband is suffering because of her behaviour.

Time to take action and stop contact before she ruins any more of your relationships - which are your support network.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 07/05/2020 11:05

I thinks that’s the ‘time will tell’ she wants me alone with no one else to turn to I think. That would make her happy which is so so sad.

OP posts: