People who lost a parent before 25, how did it affect you?

[feelingsomewhatlost]

I lost my mum a year ago and I was 24 at the time. We didn't have the best relationship when I was younger but it was really starting to improve and now I feel like I've been robbed. I can't imagine what life will be like without her, she won't be there for when I get married, the birth of my future children, buying a house, new jobs, all the exciting milestones I have to look forward to that are possibly only a few years away. I know she was devastated about that but I feel like it would be helpful to hear how other people have adapted to not having a significant parent in their lives. I don't mind hearing the bad stuff too.

Oh I wish I could say something nice to you 😔

I lost them both at 23. It's hard, really really hard. I'm sorry you're going through it. It does get easier but the sadness will always be there. It's always so sad thinking about my children not knowing my mum.

My dad died when I was 18. I’ve not done great for significant partners (not that I think that’s related) but I do miss my dad.
I’m a fierce feminist, and so was he, but he was a practical sort and I’m not. I’d love him to check over my car, or help me decorate my house.
I miss him for all sorts of reasons but I think the main thing in the first few years was I felt untethered.
I’m so sorry about your mum xx

If I can say anything positive thing it's that I'm a very strong and resilient person because of it and I think a lot about what is important in life. I know I can deal with anything and I'm not scared of much or what people think of me.

@anxietrist it was very nice of you to reply 😊 I'm so sorry that you lost both your parents, I know nothing's 'fair' but that's really unfair. I feel like I'm beginning to understand that I can be both happy and sad at the same time and I'm okay with that. It's just rubbish isn't it? I know my mum would have been an amazing grandma.

Hi OP sorry to hear about your mum. It is very sad when you lose a parent when you’re both too young.

How are you feeling now? Do you have friends and family?

My mum died when I was 21. Very sudden and wasn’t expected so was a complete shock.

I felt robbed too. I felt so angry that I was so young. I also didn’t have a good relationship with my dad (he’s selfish etc)

My mam had other issues too so I knew I would never be able to rely on her to help out with my children like a lot of grandparents do etc but it would have been nice for them to meet her etc...

That was nearly 20 years ago now OP. I’m now married and gave two beautiful children. I do wish she could have seen them of course and I do get envious of friends etc who can ask their man to help out etc and who have that person who also loves their children so much. The doting grandmother.

I suppose having my children was the hardest part for me without a mum. I just wished I had someone I could for help without feeling I was a pain

On a positive note time is a great healer. I also had very good friends and older siblings that I was so grateful for.

I very rarely cry, probably not done for years really but that’s my way of dealing with it. I think I was upset angry etc etc then it stated to get easier over time. Obviously now I’ve never known a proper adult life with her so I just don’t really think about it. I would say it’s parked away in a box in my brain really.

I struggled to look at photos though fur a few years afterwards. Now my children keep me going. Since having them I’ve realised how much my mam lived me.

I don’t normally do kisses here but...

Xxxxxx

I'm sorry this happened in your life .
I lost my dad at 24, and in addition to the things you have already listed, along with previous posters, I think I have had to be extra strong and switched on in terms of my choice of partners since then. My dad would have sussed a dud and told me straight, 100% committed to having my back, and I would have valued his opinion. Instead, in his absence I developed a sort of inner dialogue, 'checking in' with him to see WWDD (What would dad do?) after a couple of bad mistakes, both of which notably had seemed to hone in on the lack of male defender in my life.
However, although I find it sad he is not here to know my DC, the joy I feel sharing my memories of their grandpa with them, and letting them know how much he would have adored them is very sweet.

I am so sorry to hear about you mum, OP, and to all who have replied too.

May I reply from a slightly different point of view? My mum lost her own mother when she was your age, and then went on to have me just a year or so later. She was a very loving mum, but from a really early age, I remember being aware of her sadness, and that loving me was about more than just me. There wasn't counselling available then (I'm quite old! ) and I know that she tried to be positive and not sad in front of me, but I so wish she could have grieved properly and fully, and then in time, talked about her mum, and made her part of our lives, and part of our present: "Your Grandma would have loved to see you play" "Your Grandma would have been excited to see X." Instead, my Mum hung onto her sadness and to memories and to objects and only spoke of her Mum and her own feelings about the past with a sense of tragedy.

It is tragic, of course, to lose your mum so young. But it's a double tragedy if it then defines everything that you do, and choose, and feel from that point on. If you get chance to do so, please please do consider counselling (Cruse, I know, offer brilliant counselling at any point after a bereavement), so that you have chance to get the support that you need, when you are ready to do so, to move forward, with memories which you will cherish but free from the regrets and could-haves, which can be a burden in themselves.

But only when you are ready. You are allowed t feel sad, to mourn, and to move forward in your own time. A year is still very early in your journey

Sending best wishes to you.

My dad died when I was ten. I think about him every day and miss him terribly. As others have said, I feel robbed.

It’s affected many of my life plans and choices, though I’ve had mostly healthy relationships. Other areas of my life have been possibly negatively affected, though of course there’s no way to know how they’d have been different.

It sucks. I’m so sorry for you. Do get counselling, I wish I’d had professional support. I’ve had counselling and therapy as an adult, but i think a lot of shit could have been avoided if my family had dealt with it better at the time.

My dad died when I was 25 but to be honest he was never the best dad and we never had the closest relationship. Him and my mum split when I was a baby and whilst my older siblings adored him, I never understood it as he never did anything for us. He was a good fun person to be around though.

Having said that, I still found his death really hard. I believe that I grieve for the dad I always wanted and not the one he actually was.

Since he died I’ve met my now husband, got married, had a baby and now have another on the way. Each of them occasions have been tinged with sadness, because my husband will never know my dad. My dad will never see me be a mum, never meet my children, wasn’t there to walk me down the aisle but I chose to believe he is watching over us and would be proud of my little family and what we have achieved.

There is a poem called Look for me in rainbows which was read at his funeral and brings me comfort, it reminds me he is watching over us whenever I see one.

You have to allow yourself to be sad about these sort of things but then you must pick yourself up and carry on. I actually make all my big decisions in life with my dad in mind, what would he tell me to do? Generally I know all he would want is for me to be happy. So when I make decisions I question what will make me happy.

I want to give every person on this thread a hug 😢❤️

I'm so sorry your Mum died. It's really hard.
From experience I'd advise you not to make any big decisions in the next year or so. If you really have to, try to be very aware of how much of a factor losing your Mum might be in that.
Also resist the temptation to point out how lucky people are when they moan about their Mum doing things wrong or interfering. It's reasonably likely you'd have been doing the same if circumstances were different.
The pain does ease with time but IME it doesn't go away completely. Even 30 years later I still get flashes of it sometimes.

My kids lost their dad (my husband) at 19 and 16. It's 8 years ago now and it's been an uphill struggle for them....he didn't see them graduate, missed my daughter's west end debut missed my son getting a really good degree and job. During my grieving (he was ill for many years with a brain tumour) my daughter said that I would never understand what it was like to lose a parent at a young age (mine are both alive at 84 and 88) and that it's a totally different grief.
I also am in a new relationship and that has been hard for them. I still talk about my husband and sometimes cry on certain occasions but it is different. It will affect your life. Hugs to all of you.

I lost my dad suddenly when I was 15. It had a profound effect on my life - issues with anxiety and other mental health problems. (I was also being bullied at school at the time.) It took me a very long time to get over. I am now in my 40's. I'm rather pragmatic about life - however I still
live day to day. I hate making long term plans. I miss dad every day, I felt sadness when I married and when I had my baby because he wasn't there to see it and share in the joy.

However, I know he would be proud.

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry. It's okay to miss them. One day you'll wake up and you'll be surprised that the pain has eased. It'll never entirely go away but it does get better over time.
xxx

My father died quite suddenly when I was 22; that was 26 years ago now.

It is a difficult thing to process at that age as none of your friends are experiencing the same thing, I went through all the stages of grief and remember feeling very angry and bitter at one point which I didn't expect but got through it.

There are some positives from losing a parent at a young age

• I understood early on what was truly important in life
• I became much closer to my mum and brother
• I am relaxed about most things as what is the worst that can happen? It's probably not as bad as losing a parent!
• I am able to talk about death and grief easily with others

I feel grateful to have had such a great role model in my life and know that I have benefitted hugely from the time I had with them.

• I don't put off doing things til some time in the future as we don't know how long we have so have those fun experiences now
• I am strong and resilient to most of life's dips as I have been through much worse

It's a long slow road but it does get easier with time.

Take care

My children's father died, also of a brain tumour, when they were 9 and 13. It was hard, of course it was, and in some ways still is, but if I have learned anything, it is that human beings are adaptable and can still survive and thrive in spite of traumatic experiences.
It is hard to see that early in bereavement, which is where you are OP. You are at a different life stage to my kids and the reaction to each bereavement is as individual as the people involved. Would you consider talking it through with someone from a charity like Cruse (I am not sure what they are doing in the lockdown but maybe they are offering online counselling). I have also found the lockdown has meant more introspection for some about issues, certainly one of my kids has looked at photos of his dad and talked about him more.
It feels as if the pain will never change or grow less at some stages, but it does ease and you will eventually see things differently, even if it doesn't feel like that now
www.cruse.org.uk/ (they do have a helpline)

I lost my mum when I was 22 and my dad disappeared a few years before that. I won't lie it's been very hard. It's been ten years and I still miss her so much. The biggest advice I can give you is to accept any help to talk through what you feeling. I didn't do any and bottled everything up and powered through and think I'm still paying for that 10 years on. You won't ever 'get over' losing her and there will be lots of what's ifs and if only she was here now moments. You are stronger than you think ❤️. Unfortunately we don't get to choose how life pans out sometimes and it can be extremely unfair. X

I also lost my mum and am finding it very hard now I’m pregnant. I want her opinion on names and choosing outfits. I want her to meet my children as she loves children and this would have made her so happy. I also have had to deal with insensitive comments from people saying at times like this you really need your mum. I am so close to snapping and saying, yes I know that, I will just bring her back from the dead shall I?
The other thing I found difficult was friends, because we were young, a similar age to you they didn’t know how to respond and some friendships never recovered.
On a positive note, we make much more effort as a family and my favourite memory of my mum dying is all the family being together playing in the garden, young and old. Another difficult thing is not knowing her favourite flowers now I buy them quite a lot.
Talking about her helps, I really wish she could have met my partner, she would have loved him and she would have been very proud of how life is. She was always very proud of us and I imagine your mum was very proud of you. When you do hit those milestones, honour her in some way, a photo or home furnishing she may have liked, a reading, poem or song at your wedding, anything that lets people know a little bit about your mum as if she was there. Take some time for yourself, the most important advice given to me after it happened was by my ex, a lovely kind person who said it doesn’t matter what other people think, if you like it and it makes you happy then your mum would have been happy, apply this to everything, house buying, clothes, anything as I’m sure she would just want you to be happy. ❤️

I lost my dad at 17 and my mum at 22. I felt such an orphan and lost my way for a while, getting into crap relationships and making some bad choices.
Big events in my life were hard, my weddings, the birth of my child as they were never there to see them. I have a sister who I'm close to but the rest of the family lived hundreds of miles away so I felt very alone.
On the flip side, I am the strongest and most resilient person I know and live a happy life. I tend to keep any troubles or worries to myself as I'm used to it being me sorting them out rather than relying on others.

It's now been more years without my parents than with them and whilst I miss them, it does feel like a lifetime ago that they were here and I'm such a different person now.

I still get pissed off when I hear people falling out with their parents over petty issues. Be grateful you've got them to fall out with, some of us aren't that lucky.

Not sure that helped but its quite cathartic to talk about it

My father died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 5. That's more than 45 years ago and I still carry that loss with me daily. There are times when it is harder - especially significant events that I would like to have shared with him like getting married, having his grandchildren. When I'm alone I still talk to him, he still gives me comfort in that way. What I don't like is the empty half of me that should be full of all those experiences, conversations, memories - it manifests very clearly in my mind, one half of my life stretching brightly behind me of life including my mum, and the other half just a grey dullness. I fear too for my own kids lest one of their parents is snatched away. I'm constantly making plans against that possibility. I'm also sad that I don't know much about his life, most of that side of the family are gone or have dementia - it is a constant regret not to have reached out to them sooner, but when I was younger I was running away from the grief. I hold him close in my heart now though, he is still my Dad.

I lost my dad suddenly when I was 20 he was 49, I'm not sure how much it affected me deeply, (I'm sure a physiologist could tell me, because I'm pretty screwed up)! On the surface it hardened me greatly, I felt I had to protect my mum & stay ultra strong for her. I didn't really grieve for about 5 years until she met a lovely man who made her so happy then I just broke down & cried for about 48 hours straight.
My dad was a complex character didn't show love & was very moody (possible mental health issues but of the generation that never discussed such things) our home was not really a happy one, strangely I find myself attracted to similar men, ex was so much like him even looks wise.
I went on to suffer quite a bit of loss in the following 15 years since my dad died, my grandad 2 years after & my daughter 10 years after that, which I think furthered my emotional hardness to the point I'm now a right ice berg. I try to show my 2 children love but it's tough, doesn't feel natural, I'm not a hugger & find it hard to empathise with other people's little woes & worries when I've been through so much.
Ive been single for much more of my adult life than I was married or in relationships & I think that's because I'm no good at it because of my past.

I found out after my dads death that he had actually been physically abusive to my mum in the early years of their marriage & that was a tough thing to reconcile because I couldn't confront him over it but I bloody will one day!!

My mum went on to have 17 wonderful years with my stepdad who sadly passed now, he really was the love of her life & my admiration for her to get through losing him too & still being so strong is my inspiration to be a better person... she's amazing

I lost both my parents by the time I was 13. Technically my stepdad, but the only dad I'd know since I was 3.

Anyway, I was very lucky to be raised by the family who took me in. In all honesty, happier than I might have been.

And maybe it's that, looking for the positives in my situation. Having the child I otherwise wouldn't have, because i wouldn't have met my ex. Having the friends I have because of meeting his dad, etc.

But sometimes I do feel like i don't belong to anyone. Despite my "new" family always telling me how much they love me. I feel like it can't possibly be that unconditional love I'd have from my mum.

But it is what is. I tell myself I'm stronger for it. I know I can survive most things. I don't "need" anyone else. And I'm quite proud of the mum I am myself today.

Sending you love, OP

From the perspective of a 66 year old ... my mother died 50 years ago when I was 16. Obviously it was awful, dreadful, unbearable for a while.
But I went on to finish my A levels, went to college, completed a degree, taught and had a very successful career and a happy marriage. I have an amazing relationship with my own daughter and granddaughter. There have been very few occasions where I have 'missed' my mother even though I'm an emotional person.
So what I'm trying to say, I think, is that losing a parent might not be the life shattering event that it first appears.

I was older, 29 when I lost my mum. I do recognise from your post the sadness that she didn't meet DH, or see my house, or see me get married and all of those things. It feels lonely to me but I do get better at coping as time goes by. I did have a big relapse when my daughter was stillborn, again the loneliness and now that I'm pregnant again I feel less lonely because I hope to have my own family soon. I realise that it shouldn't be a childs job to replace holes in my heart, and I've always wanted children so it's not the reason I got pregnant, but I do long for that close bond.

I lost my dad at 14. Very suddenly. There was a lot of complicated bullshit going on behind the scenes.. I had counselling the whole time, I think it's nipped my issues regarding losing him in the bud. I will always miss him and think 'what if'