People who lost a parent before 25, how did it affect you?

[feelingsomewhatlost]

I lost my mum a year ago and I was 24 at the time. We didn't have the best relationship when I was younger but it was really starting to improve and now I feel like I've been robbed. I can't imagine what life will be like without her, she won't be there for when I get married, the birth of my future children, buying a house, new jobs, all the exciting milestones I have to look forward to that are possibly only a few years away. I know she was devastated about that but I feel like it would be helpful to hear how other people have adapted to not having a significant parent in their lives. I don't mind hearing the bad stuff too.

I'm reading this with interest, as my DH died last year when DS was 18 and I know he has struggled but bottles it up. He has become angry and depressed, but paints on a smile to the world and I only know about the anger because of the amount of damage he has done to his possessions. He replaces them out of his own money, but he had to explain the television which he had punched as he took it out of his room. He refuses to seek counselling and won't let me arrange anything. To the outside world he is completely well adjusted and is sunny and positive at work. It's really hard to know what to do for the best.

My dad died when I was 10 and I lost a few other people as a child. I think you should see it as you haven't just lost them in the present but you re grieving for a future you thought you were going to have and that's a big adjustment.
I was never the same after dad died, took me a long time to adapt and recover as best I could.
However, positively;
I don't do anything I regret now
I have a good group of friends as I
only make time for positive people in my life
I met my husband young as I know when you ve got something good, life is short and you go for it.
I m also stronger and more resilient and I really enjoy helping people like he did. Certainly you re not invincible after a loss like this but I don't sweat the small things and can really support people through any of their losses and difficulties.

I have a job I enjoy, I bought a house and got married at 22 and my first baby is on the way and if it's a boy I feel healed enough and proud to give them dad's name as their middle name.
Your life won't ever be the same and it might always be different and difficult for big life events but that means you cared deeply got them so that's okay.

So sorry for your loss. I lost my mum at 26.. we didn’t have a great relationship either (she was an alcoholic) and I was sad we weren’t able to build bridges, but I will say it has given my an amazing strong relationship with my siblings. I was worried for years that having a bad relationship with my mother that I was never able to mend would mean I wouldn’t be a good mother myself, but I have had children and it’s made me more determined to have a better relationship with them then I did with her.

It’s tough.. my heart goes out to you. But these life events make us the people we are xx

I lost my mum very suddenly when I was 16. She had a brain aneurysm in the garden whilst chopping a tree down. Luckily a friend was with her otherwise me or my brother would have found her after school.
It threw me into a weird bubble for years that I'm only just starting to realise recently and it's been 12 years. I look back on the first few years after her death and it's a complete blur. I really don't know what I was doing, I didn't make very good choices and I don't think I was supported or guided as much as I could have been. I think people just didn't know what to do with me because my brother just got on with it.
But I'm 28 now, married and due my first baby this month. I know she'd be proud and it makes me so sad that she never got to meet my wonderful husband and won't meet her grandchildren.
She missed everything. Exam results, prom, moving out, jobs, learning to drive, engagement, wedding planning and dress shopping etc. I've always felt horribly envious of all my friends who have had that with their mum's. It's been difficult.
I did make sure my wedding had memories of my mum from the flowers, music and I did a speech and included a few words about her in that.
Aside from the initial grief, the wedding was the hardest bit for me. I spent the whole planning and whole day hurting and angry that she wasn't there, so I wish I would have addressed that beforehand because it affected me more than I realized and has tinged what should have been all happy memories from the day.

I spend a lot of time looking through photos and listening to music that my mum liked. I still have days where I ugly cry for hours, hide away and hate the world, but I have more days where I smile and laugh at memories and feel so lucky to have shared the time I did with my wonderful mum and they're the days you need to focus on. I don't really have advice as such, just that every emotion that you will feel is normal and to go with it, don't ignore it or hold anything in.

@andnon my son was very similar, he was 16 when his dad died. 8 weeks before he sat his highers at school. He went through a lot of pain and anger both during my husband's illness (my dad can't do what other dads can) and afterwards. He suffered from depression and even now has a lot if anxiety where he draws into himself and doesn't speak, unlike his sister who talks a lot. Just be there for him and let him talk when he is ready...his anger is an inability to express his feelings. He is 24, nearly 25 now. Great job but I worry about him during lockdown...he lives by himself and not the best communicator.

She had a brain aneurysm

This is is what happened to my mum. My younger brother (aged 4) was with her. That breaks my heart.

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners I m sorry for your loss. I didn't ever have counselling but I know for those that did they would only go when they were ready and other people I know that have also lost a parent it took them time to be able to share with a stranger. Also I didn't feel able to share my feeling with my mum for years as I knew how much pain she was in, she felt guilty about it when I admitted it years later but I always reassured her that it was not her fault but mine.

Suggesting they speak to others online in a similar situation could be a gentle suggestion to make to him.

Wow, I was not expecting this many responses. I am really grateful to everyone who has taken time to share their losses and I'm sending to everyone too. Slowly working my way through this thread and it is so insightful.

also if anyone is reading this who was over 25 when they lost a parent/significant person and wants to talk about it then please feel free to do so

My father died when I was 24 and was 3 months pregnant at the time with my 2nd .
I was hard , as of course all deaths of our lives ones are but I told myself I had to keep going for the sake of the pregnancy so tbh I probably didn't grieve properly until after the birth.
Lots of years have passed since then and I have also now lost my mum.
I'm sorry for your loss op.

I didnt lose a parent at that age, but Cariad Lloyd the comedian did. She has a podcast called griefcast in which she talks about it a lot. Id really recommend listening to it. Its very comforting to hear other people expressing feelings that you may have and for whatever reason are unable to articulate.

It’s interesting to me that several people on this thread found that early bereavement made them braver in life. In many ways I find the opposite. Losing my dad when I was a child and being raised by a not very nurturing mother meant that I felt flung from the nest early. Although i’ve always been very independent and capable, I also felt like there was no safety net and it made me risk averse over career choices.

I also lost a couple of other people close to me before I was 30 and now I fear the upcoming grief as I’m at the “normal” age to start losing people.

I do notice a big difference between people my age who have experienced bereavement and those who haven’t, like my husband. He never thinks about death, whereas it’s a constant “hum” in the background for me.

I lost my mum when I was 20, she had been ill with cancer since I was 18, diagnosed just after I got my a-level results. We were very close, and I have no doubt it altered my life - I literally can't imagine the person I would have been if it hadn't happened. I think about her a lot still, often dream about her (I'm now 41). I feel robbed of an adult relationship with her. I've not had children, but I know that my DSis (also very close to her) has found that particularly hard, I remember holding her in the hospital as she cried just after she had her first - she wanted her mum.

But that's not to say it's ruined my life - I've gone on to achieve, have a great job, a lovely DH and lots of fun times. I'm just aware there's someone missing, and I'd love to talk to her still, and know what she thought about my life choices. My DH also lost his mum young, at 16, and it hasn't affected him in the same way, I know. Not sure if that's a mother/daughter thing, or just different families, different situations. He's always been close to his dad, whereas my relationship with mine was much more strained - I've actually become much closer to him as an adult, though I'm sure that might have happened anyway.

I found the book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman a good read. Good luck on your journey - it's a shitty hand you've been dealt, but you will learn to live with it.

My mum died when I was 6. Was back in the early 80s and nobody ever talked to me about it. My mum was very rarely mentioned after she died until I was an adult at which point I didn’t want to talk about anything. I still can’t talk about her without a sinking feeling.

I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot- the usual stuff like not having her at my wedding, meeting my kids etc. But it does get easier as the time goes on and I don’t think about her every day. Maybe that’s my way of dealing with it though.

I was 22 when my dad died pretty suddenly, almost 20 years ago. I didn't really have any memory of losing anybody before (grandparents died when I was really young or before I was born) so I didn't know what to do.

The biggest thing I felt, and still feel, is regret. I'm sad he didn't see me get married, or have kids, or do well in my job. I'd only just started my first proper job when he died, and he was so proud.

I think my life would have turned out different if he'd lived longer, but I can't articulate why. I think it's because he was the common sense in my life, if that makes sense. He was the person that made me see all sides of everything. He'd dissect all plans that I came up with, helping me see the good and bad. He also made me see how I could be ambitious and made me feel like I could do things. I think I played safe with everything after he died, and have done ever since. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I think some things would have been different if he'd been around for longer.

In a couple of years I'll have been without him for half my life. That's a weird thought.

Lost both parents in my early 20s, well over 20 years ago. Grandparents died before I was born or at primary school. No siblings so most of my life I've been on my own.

In some ways it has completely blighted my life. I know things would have been very different had either of my parents lived longer. Losing my dad (mum died first) led me to a lot of risk taking behaviour that was very unhealthy.

Ever since they died I've basically been searching for someone to care about me, to matter to someone else. And aside from my children where it was more giving me someone to care for, I've not found anyone who actually gave a shit about me really. My last romantic relationship ended because he wouldn't apologise for upsetting me, which is the least you would do for someone you care about. But he couldn't even do that.

That sounds like my life has been awful doesn't it? And it hasn't, not really. If you met me you wouldn't think so for a moment. Financially I do pretty well. I have a good job and a nice home. My children are happy young adults. We're all healthy. But I've always felt it's not the life I should have had, it's never been as good as if my parents had been here for more of it. I had a great relationship with them but because of the age I was it never quite got beyond the parent/child stage. I was still a student when my mum died, and just started my first job when I lost my dad.

I miss them every day. Whether it's their conversation, wise advice, funny stories, or just them. I wish they could have seen my children grow. I feel sad for my children that their grandparents are just shadows to them; they don't even know how either of them sounded.

I have little patience for other people now with the deaths of elderly relatives...I have colleagues in their 40s whose grandparents are still living; when one dies I just end up thinking how they've had parents and grandparents until the age I am now, and how bloody unfair that is.

Sorry I can't post more positively OP.

I lost my dad at 15. I'm not sure how its affected me in the long term.. it's hard to differentiate what issues (and I have a lot of them ) would be there anyway! I have an anxious attachment style and general issues with anxiety and control - I think that probably stems from his death.
My wedding was hard, as was having my first child and I often feel a real lack of family support. Theres just my mum around "on my team" and that can be really hard.

I had a bit of grief counselling at the time but I felt and still feel quite numb, I dont have any memories of that time or my dad particularly so I often wonder if its still unresolved. It's nice to read others experiences actually and feel a little bit more "normal" !

Sorry for everyone's losses.

My Dad died when I was 17.

My parents had always been "older" parents so I think I thought that it was sort of OK because he was old. He was 58 . I am older than that now but I certainly don't feel old.

Obviously I miss him but I seem to have managed to get through all the usual milestones OK - it's been over 40 years now.

Last year I was at my grandson's first birthday and he was laughing and giggling with my daughter's FIL and it just suddenly hit me that my Dad would have made such a lovely, funny grandpa to my kids and to his great-grandkids.

I completely lost it and had to go and hide in the garden for a proper snotty wail, so it can still hit you like a steam train when you least expect it

Lost mom when I was young, not long married and with a baby. It was sudden and not expected. Life went on and I had 3 more children. She would have absolutely loved them and i am sorry they never knew her.
Main thing I noticed about myself is lack of emotion in some situations where others are really affected. I also had a thing about dying at the age she died, it mithered me for ages but that landmark recently passed and I can now look back and see how useless that particular intrusive thought was.
I also couldn't look at photos of mom for ages as a previous poster said.

Thanks musical and 1990s, at least it's not an unusual way of reacting then.

My mum died when I was 10. Of breast cancer. My eldest sister came into our bedroom and told us (my 8 year old brother and myself) that she had died. It was a huge shock as we hadn't even realised she was that ill. I don't know why our father did not tell us though, probably it was too emotional for him. We went back to school the next day as though nothing had happened - very much stiff upper lip world. We were both sent to boarding school soon after and matron said I was the only girl who never cried. I remember feeling very stressed in French lesson when we all had to translate a sentence in turn and I ended up with 'Ma Maman est dans la cuisine' Then that brother died in a car crash aged 24 killed by a drunk driver whilst I was on holiday with my husband and youngest daughter. Again, we did not talk about it too much and the other sister phoned us in Austria to say he had been killed outright. I went on to have a very large family - life is for living.

@Brumcherub I had the same feeling about reaching the age that my mum was when she died. That passed and now I’m focused on the fact that my child is nearly the same age as I was when I lost her 😳

@zazasabore When you mentioned getting stressed in your French lesson because of the sentence you ended up with, it reminded me how much I freaked out when a little time after my mum’s death, we were told our termly topic at school was Egypt and that we would be learning about mummies 😳

huge sympathy to everyone on here, especially you OP

I lost my mum over 27 years ago, at the age of 23, to breast cancer. She was in her early 50s.

Like you OP I didn't have the best relationship with mum when I was younger, I was an angry teenager and didn't cope well with adolescence, she found it hard to understand me. Our relationship was very much improved by the time she died and I was enjoying connecting with her.

It has been hard since I'm not going to lie. All of the things you and others have mentioned have been tough, not having her around for significant moments, her never meeting or even knowing about my kids etc etc etc. I went on to develop alcoholism and deep abandonment issues. Whether they were directly related or not who knows (I had always struggled a bit). I still miss her.

But, I'm also strong and resilient. As PP said I know first hand how fleeting life is and how close any of us really are to death. I know that the worst CAN happen. I know that life is short and we need to make the most out of it. I've left bad relationships on the back of knowing this, I've overcome my alcoholism and other MH issues on the back of it, I've invested in myself and my own happiness on the back of it.

I have two DC and I talk often to them of my mum. They know how much she would have loved them. I don't go on about it but sometimes when they do something really funny I tell them she'd love it, or I relate some funny story about her. They are teenagers now so when they play up I often remember how fraught my relationship with her was when I was their age and I feel optimistic we will get through it. I look forward to being in their lives when they are adults (although I'm never quite convinced I will be I try to stay optimistic!)

I feel life is precious, my kids are precious and I try to make the most of every moment I have with them.

I know I do have a constant sense of loss still though, and even in the happiest moments I am very aware they will end. It's like life has a tinge of melancholy, even in the most joyful moments. But that's ok, it's real and I appreciate that.

I wish you the very best OP. It is very tough but time does heal the worst of the pain and acceptance comes when it is ready.

My father died from suicide when I was 21

It was dire. I lost about three years to depression and anxiety.

Had you have in dept counselling in late 20s.
Although I am very successful in my career I feel my mid 20s were wiped out by grief and I felt alienated from peers.
It now feels like a sad memory.

I lost my dad when I was 13, almost 25 years ago. It has affected me probably more than I admit. When people say, 'oh that's terrible' I kind of just shrug and say 'yeah, but I'm ok.' I didn't deal with it at the time (there were no real external support systems around then) and ended up needing counselling a few years later.

I've missed him at so many big events, graduation, wedding and now he's missing out on being a grandfather. I don't think about him every day and more often than not he is just a pleasant memory now. The hardened side of me feels relief that I only have one parent left to 'get over' losing when the time comes. I don't know if that's normal or not!

Bizarrely, I feel most cheated when I look at my friends parents who are (pre coronavirus) going on holidays, going on trips, and enjoying retirement together. I feel my mum has lost out so much as she is on her own. But in another bizarre way, I also take some comfort in knowing that if I lost DH, I would survive because I have seen a great example.

I don't know if any of that makes sense!