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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He told me No?

77 replies

MissSugarplum · 06/05/2020 19:24

So after so many years of being a stay at home 1950s type of wife.. I managed to bag myself a temp job just as lockdown came to support our family and I'm loving it.. thing is I dont think dh is... I'm only doing 3x 8 till 5 shifts a week and I said I wanted to do an extra shift.. extra money and also as it is only temp just know, also to try and keep it at the end of this lockdown too. My ds is going to go to nursery full time and my other two kids will be back at school too...I'm not wanting to just be here again... alone.. isolated... a maid again.... I want to be working... I've had so much already from working, I'm happier, gaining confidence and realising I do have strengths and skills to offer.. and I'm getting a lot of praise from customers too which is lovely..
Mentioned to dh this morning and said I'd like to take another shift on and he told me a striaght NO, we dont have the time and walked out to work.. I've been so annoyed about it all day like hold on a min if I want to work and is the only on able to be working and bringing in money just know shouldn't this be a joint decision not just his 😖

OP posts:

pumpkinpie01 · 06/05/2020 19:36

Is it because he can't be bothered to put the dc to bed ? Does he have to collect them from childcare when he finishes work and also can't be bothered ?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/05/2020 19:38

This isn't his decision to make like some twatish dictator. Don't allow him to control your future.

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 06/05/2020 19:39

Hell be home with them whilst I'm at work

OP posts:

itaintthatdeeep · 06/05/2020 19:39

Well the month I went back to work my exdp dealt with it extremely badly even though I sorted childcare and besides me not being on call all the time nothing changed for him.

So I had two options, give up work or tell him it's over. It was only a temp job too, so I decided to tell him it's over!!!
if you can't support me, then there is no relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/05/2020 19:41

Hell be home with them whilst I'm at work

Yes, just like you have been all these years. It's called being a parent. It's time he figures this out.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 06/05/2020 19:42

Luckily for you, you don't need his permission!

amy85 · 06/05/2020 19:43

Some men are dicks! My sister is currently not allowed to work due to covid-19 not because of government guidelines but because her partner says so....it drives me mad!!!...don't let him control you

GoddessOfGettingThereInTheEnd · 06/05/2020 19:46

Hold your ground as much as you can.

My x was like this. I remember I got a job and he wouldn't ''let'' me take it. I cried and cried and cried. He was a nightmare and I did leave eventually but obviously when I left he screwed me financially.

If he really kicks off, tell him you cannot be told what to do and you will have to divorce him even if that means you're not free to work, it won't compromise your integrity in the same way.

I work now, thank goodness!

Elieza · 06/05/2020 19:46

Yeah he’s at it. He just doesn’t want the hassle of looking after his own kids. He likes things the way they are. Doesn’t want to change. Why can’t you just stay at home and look after me like a good little wife kind of thing.

He speaks as though once he says something that’s that and the decision has been made.
Er, I don’t think so mate.

Further discussions ahead.
Don’t be surprised at the amount of stuff he will bring up in order to subjugate you. The kids will somehow suffer. Men could prey on you. It’s not fair. Yeah mate. Whatever.

pumpkinpie01 · 06/05/2020 20:01

So basically he can't be arsed to parent his own kids ! Unbelievable

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/05/2020 20:07

Why did he say no? Did he not have a reason? He owes you a discussion, it can’t just be him saying no.
I agree it should be a joint decision. You say while he works, you are home and while you work, he is home.
Would you adding another shift mean he has to reduce his hours and potentially jeapordise his job? Who is highest paid?
It would not make sense to me from a family finances view to have the lower hourly earner getting extra shifts at the expense of the higher hourly earner losing shifts/risking their job.
Could you maybe find childcare so you can both work the same shifts?

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 06/05/2020 20:09

At first he was great.. he was enjoying it.. he made my tea for me coming in kids were organised.. I learnt him how to use the washing machine etc.. and he was doing it.. great in fact.. but then I think the novelty as he put it has worn off and he said he needed some him time so wanted to start going back to work.. even though he wasnt supposed to..
I keep noticing other things too, that I think I ignored before..
hes always had the final say on everything.. which weve argued about before and he tells me is rubbish.. because he always talks to me about things first before any decisions are made 🤔

OP posts:

Atthebottomofthegarden · 06/05/2020 20:09

Is he trying to look after the kids whilst WFH?

What hours does he work normally?

Have you told him how much better working makes you feel about yourself?

GabsAlot · 06/05/2020 20:09

So hes not working furloughed? and says you havent got time to take an extra shift

wanker

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 06/05/2020 20:12

Due to lockdown his business is shut he is self employed and I'm the only one bringing in money just know as he isnt supposed to be open..

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 06/05/2020 20:19

Wrll you could clearly do with the money-he doesnt sound nice though

Wannabangbang · 06/05/2020 20:21

Sounds like he can't cope looking after the house and his own kids, hate men that are like this...

Bluntness100 · 06/05/2020 20:23

Quietly inform him you weren’t asking you were telling.

Seriously who does he think he is and you are,”no” my arse.

Go do your extra shift. He’s not your dad you’re not a kid.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 06/05/2020 20:31

Unbelievable, well it isn't really. I've come across so many men who finally get to see how much work their wife/partner actually does and they don't like it. I have one of those, drives me mad. Just say, we'll no, we need the money and I'm going to take it!

Windyatthebeach · 06/05/2020 20:35

Shame I have already told them yes...

browzingss · 06/05/2020 20:39

Some men just hate when you start becoming independent or unreliable on them to survive

I think you need to tell him that you never want to go back to how things were, you don’t want to feel like a maid anymore etc and see how he reacts

ilikemethewayiam · 06/05/2020 20:40

Agree with PP’s remind him you don’t need his permission, you are a grown up! Tell him you are taking the extra shift whether he likes it or not. See how he reacts and if it’s not supportive then you know the truth about your ‘partnership’. Time to tell him that some things are not negotiable and making your own decisions is one of them.

Cosyblanky · 06/05/2020 20:43

Take as many shifts as you can, his business may well be in trouble as it could be ages before it's allowed to reopen.

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 06/05/2020 20:48

Yeah I think I will and I think that's exactly what it is hes actually seeing what I did and has realised I didnt have it so easy..as he told me...

OP posts:

searchaway · 06/05/2020 20:49

Who does he think he is. Arsehole. Trying to hold you back. Tell him you’re taking the shift so he’ll have to buck up

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