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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He told me No?

77 replies

MissSugarplum · 06/05/2020 19:24

So after so many years of being a stay at home 1950s type of wife.. I managed to bag myself a temp job just as lockdown came to support our family and I'm loving it.. thing is I dont think dh is... I'm only doing 3x 8 till 5 shifts a week and I said I wanted to do an extra shift.. extra money and also as it is only temp just know, also to try and keep it at the end of this lockdown too. My ds is going to go to nursery full time and my other two kids will be back at school too...I'm not wanting to just be here again... alone.. isolated... a maid again.... I want to be working... I've had so much already from working, I'm happier, gaining confidence and realising I do have strengths and skills to offer.. and I'm getting a lot of praise from customers too which is lovely..
Mentioned to dh this morning and said I'd like to take another shift on and he told me a striaght NO, we dont have the time and walked out to work.. I've been so annoyed about it all day like hold on a min if I want to work and is the only on able to be working and bringing in money just know shouldn't this be a joint decision not just his 😖

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 07/05/2020 12:59

I'm another one waving the flag for 'Take the Shift' OP

whatisthisdeliciousthing · 07/05/2020 13:04

Take the shift. Sounds like you've been in this marriage far too long.

PlanDeRaccordement · 07/05/2020 14:33

If he’s not working at all due to lockdown, and you are breadwinner then yes you take the shift!
What an idiot he is.

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 07/05/2020 20:43

Ok so done my shift today an the patterns were already written.. so was too late this week.. I may b in with a chance for another three weeks a the lockdown wont be lifted here yet.. dh met me from work and we went shopping.. he met some of my colleagues.. told him they were great to work with etc.. got home and we spoke about my shifts.. I old him I was giving it it and was going to take on another just until hes back for he extra money and how its benefiting me personally... hes told me I'd be working that shift for nothing as we would loose our tax credits and it would only just cover it and because hes bk three days too just know that one day we have together would be taken away but that's up to me if I wanted to use that day to go to work.. so the guilt trips in..I explained I wanted to continue working it didnt have to be where I am but I also think it's time I went to study to bring in a better wage in the long run, he then told me that hes roughly bringing in xyz and that's a very good wage to cover what wed loose if I did go full time.. I had said I hoped I get a full time job out of it he said I wouldnt make enough to cover everything wed loose.. so yeah I guess I'm stuck.. so part time only for know and hopefully if my ds goes to nursery ok then I can then take more on.. ds has suspected autism and we dont know if hell settle so that's up in the air just know.. he had said he always been the one bringing the money in? My reply was that was your choice like it was for me the take care of the kids.. but I'm done just doing that know I want to work. Then.. out the blue
He said to me who's that guy so I told him.. hes not gay hes definitely a mad sh@##er.. that you can just tell..? I mean why did I need to know this exactly. Sorry for the rant 🙈

OP posts:

Elieza · 07/05/2020 21:06

The money bit maybe true but he sounds concerned you may fall into the open arms of Mad Shagger Man....
As if. What does he think you are. Clearly you cannot be trusted around men as you may accidentally shag one. As you do. You know. Reach into the stationery cupboard for a pencil and come out pregnant.
Sigh.

OliveToboogie · 07/05/2020 21:58

You don't need his permission he is you dh not your dad. Put you big girl pants on and tell him to get lost.

Laserbird16 · 07/05/2020 23:18

Your DH sounds barking in this update.

Plus that whole its not worth you working...of be wary of that. Even if financially it doesn't bring in loads extra it does mean you are keeping your skills up, if anything before happen to his income you at least can mitigate the risk and you can invest in your pension. All of this makes you less dependent on DH. I'm not too sure but it sounds like you're going to work part-time until your DS goes to nursery and then you'd like to go full-time? Sounds good.

I'm sorry the name calling of you and your colleagues is just nasty.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/05/2020 06:23

I’ve just seen your update about your ds dictating how you parent and telling your husband you were in a bad mood. I think you’ve got a pretty big problem there. Your 16 yo has learnt men are superior to women and that women have to be in a good mood all the time or be berated. God knows what your dd and your younger ds have learned.

copycopypaste · 08/05/2020 06:27

You don't need his permission he is you dh not your dad. Put you big girl pants on and tell him to get lost

This!

ImDillDandin · 08/05/2020 06:50

So the son has picked up dad's attitudes towards women too in believing you and your daughter need to be controlled and put down by the menfolk. Sod that. Where do these men get off thinking they have a divine right to superiority over women?

he said one time that he couldn't understand why I wasnt happy all the time and I'd argued the point that no one can be all the time and he said that he and the kids were so .. this is a perfect example of the old joke....."I was a happily married man for 12 years, until my wife decided that she wanted to be happy too".

I hope your job becomes permanent, and I hope your husband realises you are a human being not a malfunctioning domestic appliance.

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 08/05/2020 11:26

Yeah I'm hoping to stay part time until ds is settled into nursery.. I find out on Monday if I'm staying or going as three temps are being let go..

Just noticed I can reply to each comment
Thankfully

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 08/05/2020 11:28

He doesn't want to look after his own children!!!
Well tough, take on the extra shift.

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 08/05/2020 11:36

I've been saying about my older ds attitude toward me and my dd for so long know.. it always ends up he speaks to me in that way because I moaned at him ie handled it wrong.. dh says that's why he doesnt listen to me.. because I moan instead of talking to him.. which I did after being so frustrated from his attitude toward me.. once he punched his mirror in his bedroom which frightened me so I told him if he didnt calm down i would call the police.. when his dad came in i told him them both at the time under any circumstances will I tolerate it or any violence from him and if my ds didnt change he can move out or I would.. dh had supported me and it's never happened since it's only been the odd cheek or talking down too me.. I've started to deal with it differently know and talk to him and it does work most times.. but he still speaks down to me when he doesnt like what I'm saying.. but it's much better than it was..

OP posts:

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 08/05/2020 11:45

He has already clocked the person he is going to accuse you of liking @MissSugarplum. Watch out for this. It will be his reason to bully you into not working.

He may be correct in losing money if you do more hours, check entitledto.com so you know if he's talking rubbish or not. It doesnt stop you working if you end up with less, obviously. But it may be worth checking so you can get a reply ready

Lweji · 08/05/2020 11:51

Your mistake was to say you'd like to.
He's at home, supposedly.
You decide you take the extra hours and do it.

billy1966 · 08/05/2020 12:04

OP, you stay in your job.

Think of your daughter being in a house with two male bully's.

Apologies, but your son sounds like a bit of a thug in the making.

You tolerating being spoken to and belittled has allowed him to think that he has that right.

Bad for you, your daughter and him.

The more you post the more controlling and toxic the house sounds.

I feel very sorry for you.

Well done for standing up to him re the police.
Hold on to that.
But you being told how you need to speak a certain way so that your son doesn't smash mirrors is so shocking and so damaging for the home.

Please seek outside support.

I would be most concerned about your daughter in that environment.

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 08/05/2020 12:07

I think its probably his insecurities coming out he did say to me when hed opened up to me last week that he always thought it was a fluke he met me and that he always thought that he was just waiting of someone else better to come along and that he was always punching above his weight, but said hes realised that it wasnt a fluke and that I do love him and want to be with him etc.. so I'm presuming that's were the name calling is coming from.. but if that's what it is he doesnt believe it then does he? If hes making comment like that?

OP posts:

B1rdbra1n · 08/05/2020 12:10

He is a manipulative bully who wants an easy life at your expense.
everything he says and does is designed to get you to shut up and do as you're told.
Is that the life you want?

B1rdbra1n · 08/05/2020 12:12

Don't waste your time analysing his psyche and indulging him by trying to guess where he's coming from.
He's not worth your time.

JKScot4 · 08/05/2020 12:15

Am I the only one disgusted at the DH taking light bulbs out because the DD didn’t switch lights off?
Your son sounds as if he’s heading down the same road of being an arrogant arsehole, pity the gf he ends up with.

Lweji · 08/05/2020 12:21

Typical putting you down and controlling you to raise his self esteem.

MintyMabel · 08/05/2020 12:22

Tell him it is what you are doing and if he doesn't like it he can leave.

Lweji · 08/05/2020 12:23

This type of men doesn't want you working so that you're dependent and can't leave.

Keep your job. Any loss of benefits is well worth your independence

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 08/05/2020 12:27

My dd is her dd little angel and her dad does not allow her brother to speak to her the way he does me.. in fact I do think he favours her more.. although he would never say it, he does she brightens up his day to be fair.. shes very much stands her ground too and does not take any rubbish from anyone to be fair..

I did moan at them or "go on" ut it was because I didnt felt heard and that's why dh says that's why ds didnt listen to me.. as he talks to him as a mate and I'm speaking to ds like his mum used too when he was young aparently and he said he can see where I'm going wrong only because of that.. I understood but I dont think he understood that if I was listened too in the beginning and him support me it would would of happened

OP posts:

2bazookas · 08/05/2020 12:48

If I understand your post right, starting your job pretty much coincided with the kids being at home all day with no outside social activities. That's a bit different from having a working mum in normal times.

When lockdown ends, you and DH will also be sharing getting the DC's fed/dressed/taken to and from nursery, school, activities, playdates. And fitting that around both your jobs. It's going to take a while for everyone to adjust.

THEN is the time for you both to consider any further changes to the work/life/family balance /an additional shift. No rush, bide your time.

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