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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He told me No?

77 replies

MissSugarplum · 06/05/2020 19:24

So after so many years of being a stay at home 1950s type of wife.. I managed to bag myself a temp job just as lockdown came to support our family and I'm loving it.. thing is I dont think dh is... I'm only doing 3x 8 till 5 shifts a week and I said I wanted to do an extra shift.. extra money and also as it is only temp just know, also to try and keep it at the end of this lockdown too. My ds is going to go to nursery full time and my other two kids will be back at school too...I'm not wanting to just be here again... alone.. isolated... a maid again.... I want to be working... I've had so much already from working, I'm happier, gaining confidence and realising I do have strengths and skills to offer.. and I'm getting a lot of praise from customers too which is lovely..
Mentioned to dh this morning and said I'd like to take another shift on and he told me a striaght NO, we dont have the time and walked out to work.. I've been so annoyed about it all day like hold on a min if I want to work and is the only on able to be working and bringing in money just know shouldn't this be a joint decision not just his 😖

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2020 20:51

Wow he has always taken for granted you would look after the kids. Did he ever ask you if that was ok? What about doing sport, going out with mates etc, does he ask you then? Just because you’ve been a Sahm for a while, it doesn’t make you default parent.

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 06/05/2020 21:07

I feel like I'm finding myself again.. I really dont want to loose this temp job but even if I do I'm going to find work elsewhere...

OP posts:

Fiveasidefootballfamily · 06/05/2020 21:07

Don’t just give up on it. I know what it’s like to get that taste of independence again and it’s good for you, even if it does mean you have less time and things are a juggling act at home. I would sit down calmly and explain how good it is for you to have self-worth again and how fulfilled you feel. If he can’t understand that and won’t help you achieve your potential, I would reconsider your relationship.

Could he be concerned about managing with the kids once he’s back to work? Would nursery and school cover your full working day? If he’s at work, would he have to reduce his hours to pick them up for you?

Windyatthebeach · 06/05/2020 21:16

My exh refused to ever do anything for our dc. 4 under 7..
Then I divorced him for unreasonable behaviour.. He tried to throw it at me that I refused to get a job!!
Mm kids home alone eh you knob??
My dm lived 40 miles away. His 3 streets... His sil had free childcare on tap. He was also an arse..

billy1966 · 06/05/2020 21:46

Well he sounds like a right arsehole.

He really thinks he's the boss of you.

Has been telling you that you have it easy but has now realised whatva busy house looks like.

Do not be bullied OP.

Tell him it is NOT his decision.

Be prepared for some unpleasantness but stand your ground.

Your opinion counts.

pallisers · 06/05/2020 21:50

Hell be home with them whilst I'm at work

That's why he doesn't want you to take an extra shift. He doesn't want the work of minding his children.

I bet when you were a SAHM though he thought you had a cushy life and he was the one doing the hard work. Yeah - so cushy, he can't do it.

keep that job OP.

copycopypaste · 06/05/2020 22:01

Good job you're an adult and don't need his permission.

This is a big issue OP, do as he says now and you'll never had a life of your own. I suggest you take the shift, tell him tough shit, you're working and it's his time to step up being at home and looking after the dc. Be prepared for a lot of years and tantrum (from your dh not the dc), he won't like his little world and his word being questioned

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 06/05/2020 22:12

when he told me how low he felt, he also said he was trying to give me a compliment,
A part of me felt good.. a part of me felt a bit of resentment.. I feel bad saying it but it does...
I remember he said one time that he couldn't understand why I wasnt happy all the time and I'd argued the point that no one can be all the time and he said that he and the kids were so ..I felt such a weight with this... then I saw a video of a person who is a life coach and he also said that no one can be happy all the time.. I felt a massive weight off my shoulders instantly and these are the kind of things that keep popping into my head like I was right all along..
I'm sorry I'm going on a bit know 🙈
Going off subject.. it's nice to be able to get things off your chest things that have niggles me without the label of moany attached to my name lol

OP posts:

shootmenow2020 · 06/05/2020 22:18

It sounds like he's putting you down a bit to keep you on an even keel. My ex used so the same. Subtle things like he'd say I was crazy for how I reacted to something that made me
Unhappy. But then I realised it's totally normal to react to things like that. Emotions are valid and normal parts of every day life. Speaking from experience, stick with the job. It makes you happy. The kids will benefit from a happy, independent, hardworking mom. You've done your time at home with them.

You could also say maybe say that you were given an extra shift and can't turn it down due to staff shortages.

Honestly men like this do my nut in. I hope to god my son doesn't turn out like that.

Ithinkthis · 06/05/2020 22:20

You had to teach him how to use the washing machine - sounds like he’s not keen on doing the household/kids stuff and that’s why he wants to keep you at home as much as he can !! If not impacting him - other than having to do home and child care which he should do anyway. There is no reason for him to have that attitude, he’s not your keeper - yes it should be a joint decision but like I said if there’s no reason not to then he’s just being selfish and not pulling his weight. He should support you going out and making a wage for your family (and HIS family) and being happy. Maybe he feels like his role as breadwinner is being undermined which is so egotistical.

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 06/05/2020 22:21

Yeah I've got a special name to psycho suzie 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 06/05/2020 23:00

He senses the status quo (which he rather liked) shifting under his feet...

Mangofandangoo · 06/05/2020 23:05

Next time he asks for something from you, you should say No.

Laserbird16 · 07/05/2020 03:26

Take that extra shift. And take note of his behaviour. I'd seriously be reconsidering the relationship if my DH spoke to me like that. This sounds like one of a long line of decision that are convenient for DH. Plus how dare he not even discuss? What are his reasons beyond 'it's too hard to look after my own kids'.

On the face of it there is no reason to prevent you taking this shift and it would be beneficial to the family finances. As a family, not a dictatorship, this is what is important. Also you're loving it! That should make your DH happy too.

He could experience the novelty of being divorced, the arse.

Redroses27 · 07/05/2020 04:26

That's great that you have made a success of your new job, and that you like it so much.Take the extra shift and see does it suit you, but let it be your decision. It's his chance to learn new skills like working household appliances. The extra money will be useful as things are so unpredictable at the minute. We could get locked down again in the Autumn.

Crowbarred · 07/05/2020 04:45

Take the extra shift. Perhaps this time he will figure out the cooker.

NoMoreDickheads · 07/05/2020 12:01

he told me a striaght NO, we dont have the time

We don't live in an age where a man can tell a woman what to do. You're not required to obey him, do what you have to do to fulfill yourself.

As you've said, the money will come in handy for you all right now anyway.

Yeah I've got a special name to psycho suzie

This is verbal/emotional abuse.

Bananalanacake · 07/05/2020 12:14

Is he controlling, does he stop you socialising or going out to hobbies. If not it sounds like he doesn't want to look after his own kids.

12345kbm · 07/05/2020 12:19

Take the extra shift OP and make sure to sort out work since it's giving you so much confidence and self esteem back.

Just say no to all requests from now on and when he asks you what's going on, say Psycho Suzie's feeling stabby, best not to ask.

TorkTorkBam · 07/05/2020 12:26

Well what goes around comes around.

because he always talks to me about things first before any decisions are made

Now you are the breadwinner you have done the same. You talked to him, discarded his wrong opinion, then you made your decision, which is to take as many shifts as you can. Hopefully you'll get a promotion.

Original poster

MissSugarplum · 07/05/2020 12:27

Next week should be my last week so wanted to fling in more hours, more money and also extra time to impress the boss here in Hope's shell keep me on... he doesnt stop me from doing or going anywhere without him.. but to be fair I've no friends here anyway so I dont go out and socialise myself.. never really had the confidence for that... I dont think hes enjoying being home now and this worrys me.. not just because he should want to be home but its worrying me personally for our relationship.. I always get the feeling I'm on his nerves.. he came home yesterday and was cheery.. I was dry because of what he said.. then he turns and said our ds who's 16 had said I wasnt in a good mood? And he felt i wasnt the day before either? Utter rubbish.. our ds had butted into my telling my dd off for leaving the lights all on for the hundredth time which yesterday hed told me dh ended up taking out bulbs because she was terrible leaving them on... so I told my ds to mind his own as hes no idea why and to remember who the parent is here.. he went to his dads work and told him I was in a bad mood! Men 😖

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 07/05/2020 12:33

Absolutely no way he gets to dictate this, who does he think he is? He can start learning to be a parent.

It sounds as if you could do with the money.

Besides he sounds like an entitled arse out of the 1950s and when you get around to divorcing him you'll need an income.

TorkTorkBam · 07/05/2020 12:34

All the more reason to make damn sure your new career is not sabotaged.

There will be growing pains. Nobody has had to worry about your needs or work around you. Now they do. At first they will feel you are being difficult. Growing pains. Let it wash over you. They have to find their own ways to adjust to the new normal. You carry on regardless and they will catch up eventually and it will most likely be fine.

amber763 · 07/05/2020 12:37

Take the shift. He doesn't get to dictate what you do and don't do.

beeinmygarden · 07/05/2020 12:39

You are not a child, he is not your manager and you don't need his permission to have a life and income of your own.

Take the extra shifts. You have been looking after the kids whilst he is at work for god knows how many years.

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