Splitting Up

[Diabetes123]

Hi all

Handholding needed :(

I have just told my husband that I want to split up after 22 years of marriage.

We have 2 girls 19 and 16 who have understandably not taken it very well. They are soooo angry with me which I expected.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life.

Anybody with some good advice for me would be hugely appreciated right now.

:( :( :(

I was a teenage girl when my parents split. My view: Let them be angry. Let them ring their friends and rant or get blind drunk. Don't criticise, don't suffocate. Just reassure from a respectful distance. Time heals to an extent, but their entire world has just been turned upside down by you. And I didn't have to deal with it during a global pandemic.

Watching with sympathetic interest. I am in very much the same situation. Have eventually decided I cannot take any more of my boring existence. Dreading telling the dc who are much younger than yours.
Sorry about your situation op.

Teenagers think the world revolves around them. When they are older their views likely will change. People are allowed to leave an unhappy relationship. It is better to teach your children that, than for them to believe you should stay in a marriage when you don’t want to.

Thank you for your comments it means a lot.

I know this has come at the worst time too but I just could not go on any longer pretending that everything was ok when inside I was physically and mentally suffering.

Grandadwasthatyou - I feel your pain but the relief I felt when I eventually told my husband was huge however since telling the DC my anxiety has reached a peak I never thought it could. Literally cannot eat, sleep or think!

This by the way is totally what I expected to feel like and I know I have done the right thing but the consequences of the pain I have caused is almost unbearable. I am absolutely terrified and worried about everything especially my relationship with my DC. I am just hoping that in time they can forgive me.

Lockdown was never gonna be a good time to do it but quite honestly is there ever a right time?!

Has anybody been in a similar situation whereby the DC have come round and how long did it take? Not that I am wanting to rush them its just peace of mind for me and timescales for them.

Stay strong. Be honest. Don’t start trying to play Disney mom though and bribing or pandering to tears/tantrums. Teenagers are manipulative and I had a friend at school who used this exact same situation to wring every last penny out of his mother because she left the husband. He did it deliberately. Played on her guilt. Your kids (one is an adult, the other almost is) are old enough to understand that their world isn’t falling apart, it doesn’t need to be a drama, everybody will be much happier, you have a right to be happy and no they aren’t going to be allowed to play up/tread on boundaries because of it.

Your kids will soon be going off and leading their own independent adult lives. They can’t expect you to stay at home, unhappy just to keep the peace. Take each one separately and speak to them adult to adult. Reassure them that you’ll both still be there for them and that things will be better because you’ll all be happier.

Stay strong.
Embrace yourself, it's not going to be easy and you'll feel shit for a while.

But keep your goal in mind, eventually you will be free to live your life as you want. And be kind to yourself, what you are doing is very brave. So many people stay unhappily married because they are afraid of changes.

All the best!

Thank you searchaway and honeybee very positive and encouraging words.

My youngest one is very manipulative and is a proper daddys girl, the elder one not so much so but I have always been really close to them both so its really difficult not being able to hug them and reassure them that everything will be fine.

I know they are acting out and reacting which is perfectly normal and I accept this but its still very difficult. Me and my husband keep talking though he's just been up to ask if I'm ok (think he knows I'm really struggling) and I know he is too but we are still being there for each other which is nice.

I have a good family and bunch of friends who are super supportive and for that I am truly thankful.

My youngest one knows how to push all the right buttons to get a reaction but the eldest has always been quite sensitive and emotional so not really saying a lot just that she has nothing to say to me. I'm trying not to rush into anything but I have the option of a 3 bed house just up the road which is standing empty at the minute and the owner has said shes hopeful once shes had a chat with her husband and sister that I can rent there for a bit.

Do you think this is the right thing to do given the current lockdown situation as I literally have nowhere else to go and obviously its very difficult being in the house with them all at the moment especially as they don't want me here. My friend is telling me not to rush into anything?

Yes, I thinking renting the house is a good idea. It sounds as though you are sure your marriage is over and this will help you and your DC to look to the future, even if they dont want to right now. My mum left my dad when I was 19 and after the shock had worn off I was just pleased not to be living in a war zone any more. Give them some time then as pp have suggested, have an adult ish conversation with them one at a time. Stay strong, things will work out in the end 💐