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[Greentrees33]

I need some opinions please. My husband sent this message (trying to attach this) to an ex colleague the day she left. I feel that I may be too emotional/biased so wanted opinions please.

What do you think of this message? To me it seems he has feelings for her and that it is reciprocated but nothing has happened. Do you think this is correct or am I over thinking this?

I also feel that if she didn’t already, the recipient knows his feelings as a result of his text?

Or am I just being crazy and this is all very platonic /fine no need to think anything of it? Please be gentle

Thank you very much in advance

You should appreciate that he came back to you after seeing others. Does he rehash and bring up the people you were seeing when you split, or is it just you that is raking up an understandable and fortuitous connection

Wtf!

They were broken up when she saw other people, they weren't together.

They were when he sent that gushing message.

A d noone should have to "appreciate" that someone came back to them after they'd seen others. They were single and had the right to do so.

It's up to either of you to decide you want to get back together and accept any people they dated whole you were finished/single. You're not doing them.a favour or taking back.damahed goods or something.

He was free to see others too, he apparently didn't. His choice.

*while

understandable and fortuitous connection

He was going on line she was the love if his life, or something, anyone would be really uncomfortable receiving that message. It's not understandable, it's inappropriate.

If that's how he goes on when he and his partner are experiencing miscarriages, I would worry about his focus/behaviour in other scenarios.

*like

At the time you were having problems
I became detached and slightly emotionally abusive and he became an angry person and suicidal
He was left dealing with losses in his own way and became friends with a woman he worked with. He does sound emotionally attached to her, and she sounds to have reciprocated his friendship. It does not mean there was anything more than a deep friendship, at a time, and it hasn't continued or developed. He seems to have kept this within boundaries. I can't see anything wrong with this as things stood at that moment in time. He was finding a way to cope at a time you detached from him. You coped in your own way.

Both of you have had so much emotional overload to cope with, your marriage might not survive. Fixating on an emotional text from 2 years ago is a pointless exercise. It shows nothing more than the marriage was in trouble even then. I think expecting him to apologise should also be met with an apology from you for shutting him out. Better still let it go. Many marriages fail in the face of loss and trauma.

Do you know what; not only was it inappropriate from an attached man .. it was actually inappropriate to a (just former) work colleague too. Unprofessional. If she_d been the extreme type she could have complained about it "so and so seems to have got the wrong end of the stick etc.".

Ugh that has 'vom' written all over it 🤮
He sounds pathetically so far up her arseholing arsehole. More vom 🤮

Who even writes this shit? It's creepy & far too intense.

He's an idiot.

I wouldn't be happy reading that if it was my husband. He's definitely smitten but seems she's just being polite back

I think expecting him to apologise should also be met with an apology from you for shutting him out

Wow! Have you ever lost a baby? She should apologise for shutting him out? Really? And that justifies him running off to another woman at the first sign of trouble does it?

I have lost babies. I know what it feels like.

He did not run off to another woman. She knows he did not have an affair but did confide in a friend. We know that OP by her own admission dated other men in their short break. We also know she was being bloody awful to him at the time he sought out a friend to talk to.

Depends if that's just what he's like. We got quite a poetic email from a bloke who left today with a similar tone

Ugh just ugh. If my partner sent another woman a msg like that it would be over. I hope we meet again in another life... wtf honestly. No way.

You poor woman. I'm so sorry you've lost your babies. And I'm sorry he has too. But it's not on to send another woman that msg. Where was he in your grief too? It would have ripped me open seeing that after going through that together.

We got quite a poetic email from a bloke who left today with a similar tone

We.

Take it he sent it to more than one person/a group? Not an individual privately.

We know that OP by her own admission dated other men in their short break.

By her own admission implies she admitted it - like it was something wrong or that she shouldn't have done. She didn't "admit" it or confess it : she said straight they she dated some other people when they broke up as she had every right to do. If he didn't that was up to him.

It has no bearing in this message before they broke up.

*on this message

he sought out a friend to talk to.

Did I miss somewhere that op said he confided in and talked to this work colleague about their situation .. he certainly didn't mention a word about it in his message. It was all bullshit about her chatting and gossiping and how much he enjoyed being in her company etc.

It didn't come across like "you e been a great friend and j appreciate your support' , more just a big gushy, emotional, sentimental, slightly crush-y 'vomit" of feelings.

Get this into perspective, over 2 years it stayed as friendship, and when she left, the friendship ended and he didn't persue a friendship beyond, let alone overstep the friendship, from what I can see the over-gushing text was more about appreciating the emotional support at a time when the op admits she was giving him emotional abuse. Overall, it's up to both of them to decide if they are going to move on from past events or not, focusing on the text is not going to help your future. Like or not, it might well have been fortuitous that he found someone to talk to at a time he felt suicidal, so that didn't happen, it also shows that nothing else other than talk did happen.

over 2 years it stayed as friendship, and when she left, the friendship ended and he didn't persue a friendship beyond, let alone overstep the friendship, from what I can see the over-gushing text was more about appreciating the emotional support

Maybe or maybe she didn't give him any encouragement or opening to more during the two years; just like she didn't when she got that uncomfortable message.

I actually think he developed a crush, might have acted on it had he had the opportunity, when caught in that leaving message, blamed their situation and his depression.

Yes perhaps the background and depression contributed to the crush, bit he's still in my view rather despicably/manipulatively used their situation and the stress, depression etc as a smokescreen.

Of course he can't admit to a crush now; it would cause more damage, more shit, there's no good going to come from it so he wouldn't admit it.

GilbertMarkham, ok, you can stop attacking and quoting my posts now, for whatever reason only you know, you feel the need. Other opinions to yours are allowed, you have yours, I'll have mine. I'm off..

It didn't come across like "you e been a great friend and j appreciate your support' , more just a big gushy, emotional, sentimental, slightly crush-y 'vomit" of feelings

Yes this is why I found it so uncomfortable - he sounds quite shallow in his appreciation of her, very much about “being near her” which sounds like sexual frisson, rather than any deeper support that could be attributed to friendship.

for whatever reason only you know, you feel the need

The only reason I (or most people on here) would quote and disagree with a post is that they disagree with the opinion and think it's either unfair to the op, or poor advice to the op (or both).

I, like most people in here, also quote and agree with posts I think are reasonable, helpful, insightful etc.

I couldn't have told you if I'd quoted the same person more than once because I wasn't reading the poster names. Only what people are saying.

So much yearning in that original message BUT it was two years ago and now you're having counselling so..... I guess this is make or break time, is the counselling to fix things or reinforce that you're no longer compatible?
Also, from a pp: 'so far up her arseholing arsehole'
Love this and it really taps into my current anger and rage about my ex with one of his many indispensable exes who were of more importance to him than I was.

It’s a full on message, bit emotional but def doesn’t sound like it’s quite on a romantic level or anything has happened. Her saying I’d love to have seen you say this up my face, with the laughter emoji indicates it’s out of character and she also isn’t perceiving it as romantic. In my opinion it just looks like a real positive/matey connection and he’s sad she’s leaving as enjoyed they had a laugh sitting together - they obviously aren’t planning to keep in touch. Saying that if I’d probs feel a bit upset if my husband sent this.

@TorkTorkBam seriously fuck off. Yes it is a public forum but I’ve only asked regarding the message he sent not what you think of me. How do you know I was so ‘bloody awful’ to him? i had a miscarriage, followed by a chemical. After my chemical (When things were bad between us) I had anxiety one night where I woke up tried to sneak downstairs to not disturb my husband he unfortunately woke up and asked me what was wrong I told him I was feeling anxious and was going to head down for a bit. He told me to shut up and go to sleep. I lay back down and tried my best to shut up and cry quietly. He has since apologised - this was when he was suicidal. We were both shit to each other.

As for your comments that you keep making- I have lost babies. I know what it feels like.

So you know what it feels like and so you are justified in making your disgusting comments?

Have you held your living breathing baby and had him die on your chest 3 months ago? Are you broken and wish you had bled out instead of the dr giving you an emergency blood transfusion?

Fuck off.