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[Greentrees33]

I need some opinions please. My husband sent this message (trying to attach this) to an ex colleague the day she left. I feel that I may be too emotional/biased so wanted opinions please.

What do you think of this message? To me it seems he has feelings for her and that it is reciprocated but nothing has happened. Do you think this is correct or am I over thinking this?

I also feel that if she didn’t already, the recipient knows his feelings as a result of his text?

Or am I just being crazy and this is all very platonic /fine no need to think anything of it? Please be gentle

Thank you very much in advance

I suppose I am /was not happy he sent that Text. It was a huge betrayal. I have never had a sorry or I shouldn’t have sent it. It’s always been “I was so suicidal at that point in my life she was the only person who was nice to me” (he wasn’t talking to
Many people then) whereas I don’t think texting other people of having ‘crushes’ as he admitted is ok. You deal with your relationship.

If this was 2 years ago, you really need to move on. If you can't let it go, then reconsider being in the relationship. You say you were "slightly emotionally abusive" - if you're dragging this up again, you still are being. You need to stop if you're staying together.

It sounds like nothing happened, but he thought she was amazing.

Agree. Doesn’t sound like anything happened. He may have been ‘fishing’ slightly, but he sounds like she was providing emotional support - not an affair. He sounds pretty needy.

So you are still together ......tbh I would have lost the plot if my H had sent that to another woman. Best 2 years he could have lived ? Fuck that ! This is still troubling you and you have to decide to either move on or go your separate ways . I know which one I would be doing .

Given the drip feeding of context, yeah you're looking at a guy who was at his lowest ebb and probably was barely managing to make it through each day. A nice lady at work who chatted to him was probably exactly what he needed to survive.

I have had friends at work who have pulled me through horrible times, including in my former marriage, and I never had affairs with any of them despite becoming very attached to them in a platonic way. Once the crisis was over, the attachment typically fades but the person stays a fond memory etc it doesn't mean there was an affair.

Human beings cling to each other during horrible times. He was suicidal, not sure it gets worse than that, and you were dealing with serious grief. He probably shouldn't have sent the text, but it was 2 years ago, he deleted her number and didn't stay in touch.

With the context you give, I'd assume that he was going through a stage when life seemed very fragile and happiness very easy to lose, so he came out with a probably inappropriately emotional text for this woman as he was about to lose her friendship as well. And then he let her go.

I'm glad you are getting counselling. It might be best to have some compassion for your husband, as well as yourself. You can't hold this kind of thing over someone's head forever. If you really can't deal with him having been a bit dependent on this woman 2 years ago, it might be kinder to let the man go, you shouldn't punish him forever. It's not fair and doesn't help anyone.

“I was so suicidal at that point in my life she was the only person who was nice to me” ... honestly if that's not enough for you to feel compassion for him, enough that you can see why he wouldn't apologise for leaning on her... then you need to leave him. Life is short OP. Don't spend it punishing someone else.

As other have already said - you already dealt with this all - broke up, saw others.
He didn’t - so clearly he wasn’t looking to replace you as a partner back then - and, as he said - really needed a human interaction/connection that wasn’t happening in your relationship back then. As you said yourself - you were emotionally abusive.
In that light - it’s hard to blame him for that message - although worded imperfectly - it’s innocent. There wasn’t an intention to cheat.

You need to really decide if you want to put the work into this relationship and build it up looking toward the future, not bringing up the past

You need to let it go op it was 2 years otherwise you'll never move on

I initially thought it a bit off until you mentioned the rest of the back story. He clearly leaned on her for emotional support and if he was feeling suicidal, and as you said you were being emotionally abusive, its was a clumsy message but I think I would let it go in those circumstances. If he wanted to be with someone other than you he would have dated someone else when you were dating other people. Sounds like you have both has a torrid time - if you want to stay together you need to draw a line in the sand and leave everything from this moment in the past.

The fact that this was 2 years ago concerns me. If it was sent recently I wouldn't be happy but it was 2 years ago and it's like you are trying to find a reason to stir things up again.
You need to either move on or leave.
To bring it up with him now would be wrong, things should have been resolved at the time.
You sound like you are still looking for reasons to be emotionally abusive.
He deleted her details before you even knew it was sent, he clearly didn't want to say anything to her or actually try and start something.
You need to look in to counselling OP coz this is not healthy behaviour

Thank you. Especially to posters on the second page, who have been through the same/understand. I’ve had another loss, this time it was my baby boy who died on my chest so I’ve been dealing with his loss (as has my husband) but I suppose there is fear of thinking whether history Will repeat itself and will we turn on each other but it’s been 3 months and there’s been nothing but love in the relationship so I need to move on. Thank you

Funny how when men like this need support, it's always from attractive, often younger women .. not from their parents, siblings, friends etc. People they're much closer to and who know them much better..

Could it be because it's an excuse.

It's a really gushing message with a great deal of emotion; if I was the recipient and not interested I'd be like "oh fk, get me out of here, this guy is crushing big time, he either wants an affair or is going to leave his partner if I give him any encouragement, how do I get out of this civilly". It is cringe.

I'm so sorry about your losses op, that is absolutely harrowing.

I appreciate it all must've taken an awful toll on you both, but personally I find what/where he's focused on for "support" and distraction inappropriate.

You've managed without attaching to a male work colleague and writing him messages like that.

You need to either move on or leave.

I do agree with this though.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.
In your shoes I would be feeling very much his second choice.
And he would be gone.

The op says she broke up with him and saw other people during that time. He focused on his own mental health. So it sounds very much as he was her 2nd choice but he has taken her back.

I'm very sorry for your losses OP but as it was 2 years ago (which would have been very useful to know in the original OP to stop a ream of painters telling you to now LTN as they haven't read on) I completely agree with what @rvby says.

Posters not painters.
LTB
Fucking phone.

Oh and you say "I've had a loss" "my baby boy" well no, you've both had a loss and he was his baby too. That dismissive language of not including him as a parent won't help if that's the way you speak about it to him. May seem like a tiny point but I bet he feels it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was going through an awful time and you were also going through an awful time so couldn't comfort each other. This woman brought him a little joy and he is very grateful for that. A bit gushy, yes, but under the circumstances maybe understandable.

The fact that when you broke up he didnt see anyone but focused on his mental health speaks volume. You two sound like you have a lot of live for each other but tragedy pushed you apart for a while.

I was so suicidal at that point in my life she was the only person who was nice to me” (he wasn’t talking to
Many people then)

For the sake of argument he could have asked for counselling through gp for example and the counsellor would have been "nice" to him, and they'd have been a trained professional to boot.

He could've called the Samaritans and they would have been "nice", listened etc.

Did he truly have noone else who could have been nice and offered support? Not one family member or friend or acquaintance.

Plus it doesn't actually sound like she wax especially supportive or empathetic etc. He seems to just refer to her chatting, gossiping etc. It sounds like she was just going about her day a d taking about whatever was in her head. Maybe the distraction and ordinariness/light heartedness helped him but it wasn't intentional support on her part so the gushing is even more ... Not sure what word to.use.

I don't know; it's a strange thread because initially it seemed like it happened recently but now its clear it's a while back and you two have broken up, reconciled, and suffered an absolutely harrowing bereavement ... And it's hard to know what to say.

Are you going to break up in the context of all this if enough posters say his behaviour was absolutely unacceptable (?)

You've both been through a lot. It seems 2 years ago when this happened, you thought it was only you suffering and that wasn't the case. His text was a bit much but he wasn't in a good place and nothing happened between them.

I'd just move on now.

OMG..I bet she cringed when she received that text. How embarrassing for her .

But yes, he was clearly smitten